“I’m sorry.” Ben said, so quietly Alex almost hadn’t heard him. “I acted like such a jackass that night when you walked out. I had so much going on in my own life and it’s not important right now but…I took all my worries and stress out on you. I think it was the idea that you’d never leave and you’d always be there like you’ve always been. It was wrong and I’m sorry.”
Alex was a little shocked. Taking things out on him wasn’t something Ben had ever done. They’d never been in a place like this before. It’d had always felt like it was them against the world. “Thank you for that. You have no idea how much that means to me. I’m sorry you have stuff going on but you can always talk to me.”
“Like you’ve been so open talking to me, Alex?” Ben asked with a smirk. He was right Alex hadn’t been being completely honest. Not with Ben and definitely not with himself.
Taking a deep breath, he started.
“Ben, I want you to know that I started therapy a couple of weeks ago.” He looked up at his friend, seeing the shock on his face. Alex couldn’t blame him Ben knew how he had always felt about therapy for himself.
“That’s huge, man. How’s that…how’s that going?”
“It’s good. I go two times a week, and he’s helpful. It’s not easy to talk about, but I’m sure it’ll get easier.”
“I’m happy for you. I am. That’s a big step for you.”
“It is, so is me being open about my feelings and that’s why I’ve called you.”
“That night, I wasn’t trying to embarrass you or anything. I was just…you know me, Alex. Well, maybe not completely me but you get it. I was trying joke, that’s all I was doing.”
Alex prepared for that, he knew his friend, knew that was what he was going to say. Without looking at his notes, he replied, “But, Ben, what you did that night, that hurt. Joking or not. I’ve tried to tell you so many times, and you never listened. I…I guess I’m not like you. I hold things in and with Evie I’ve never allowed myself to grieve or anything.”
“I hear you, man, but that doesn’t mean you stop living.”
“You’re right. And I did do that for many years under the idea that I was protecting myself and doing what I needed to be there for Evie.”
“Not living wasn’t helping her. That was you being a chicken.”
Alex’s heart beat jumped. The words hurt because in part they were true, but he had to find his path. Alex and his therapist had talked about that. No one could’ve forced or convinced him to do anything other than what he wanted. Alex had to come to that conclusion all on his own. As much as Ben was right, he was wrong, even now, for getting up on his high horse about it.
“You’re not listening, Ben. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but you go about it all wrong. I needed to be the one to make that decision, not you. You have to understand where my mind was, that dating or sleeping around wasn’t something that would’ve made me happy.”
Ben had his hackles up, getting defensive but at least he was listening. “But Kelley, you dated him and things had gone so well until you pushed him away.”
“You’re right on both of those, but there’s something you don’t know.” Filling his lungs, bracing himself for admitting it. “I sent Kelley away because I had been refusing to acknowledge that something was wrong and he kept trying to help me but I wasn’t ready. Ben, I’ve been having panic attacks and not just small minor ones but big, crippling scary ones.”
Ben’s eyes widened in surprise, filled with pain. “Wow. I had no idea. Man, why didn’t you tell me? I’m your best friend, we’re family.”
“I guess we haven’t been completely honest with each other lately.” Alex couldn’t decipher the look that had come across Ben’s face in that moment but it almost looked like guilt. “I was so afraid that I couldn’t even admit to it out loud to myself.”
“How did I not see this? I should’ve known something was wrong.”
“No, you shouldn’t. I made sure no one did. Kelley only knew because I had one after the first time we had sex. Don’t blame yourself for not seeing it. I never let you see.”
“We are all kinds of fucked up right now,” Ben said as he shook his head. “And I know I went too far that night. I guess I got scared. As each year passed and you still weren’t living, I was afraid what your life would become. I love you and I want you to live and be happy. But I definitely took my fear and stress and pushed too far. I’m sorry, Alex. I’m a stubborn asshole, but I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know, Ben, and I never thought you did. At the time, I couldn’t see that if I were honest with you then you wouldn’t have acted that way. I had been so deep in my little world that I thought I was safe from all the pain that even I couldn’t have fixed it.”
“What made you finally go get help?”
That was simple. “Kelley.”
“You got it bad, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but I said some hurtful things, plus I need to get my head in a good place before I go try to fix that.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You are one of the strongest people I know, man. Going through life after losing your dad and then your mom the way you did, I had always wondered how you could do it.”
“I’m not that strong. I ran away from those things, I didn’t confront them head on.”
“No. You may have hidden from the pain of them, but you stood up, head held high, and ready to take on the toughest job after each time life tried to knock you down. And Evie is the better for it.”
“Thanks, Ben, that’s good to hear. I’ve got a way to go but I think I can do it, I do.”
“I know you can, and I’ll be here for you and Evie no matter what you need. I’m truly sorry for treating you like I did. I should’ve considered your feelings and not mine.”
“We both did things wrong, Ben. Hopefully, from now on, we can do better. It won’t be perfect, I mean you aren’t as awesome as I am, but we can’t have everything in life.”
They both laughed making Alex feel a little bit fuller than he had before. He knew he still had a long way to go but having that back, it helped.
“Are you going to try to get Kelley back?” Ben asked.
“Yeah, maybe, not sure when or if it’ll even work but I want to. I love him. He turned my world upside down, I can’t regret that because it brought me to a place that I could finally see what I was doing.”
“I have no doubts you can do it. I saw that, even with how much of an asshole I was that night, that guy looked at you like you hung the fucking moon.”
“Maybe. I’m just taking things one step at a time.”
“Smart thinking, man. Now, you got any food in here? I’m hungry.”
He knew that was just the first step toward building back the friendship that they had but he couldn’t be happier that it was a step they took together.
One thing down, a million more to go. Piece by piece Alex was building his family back together. There was just one more piece missing. Alex hoped by the time he was ready, Kelley was still there.
Sitting back at his desk, after yet another meeting, Kelley finally allowed himself to take a breath and just relax. After weeks of working long hours, the intern program had finally been rolled out in two different departments.
Kelley couldn’t have been happier about that.
Each one would run for the next six months and then they would get together to work out any kinks in the system any new ideas that would improve it and start another two departments.
Bret had been impressed with the very detailed plan, which included checks on the program, that his team had implemented. Kelley had been impressed with them as well. They all worked tirelessly on it and deserved the praise and bonus they had gotten for it.
They had even received some excellent feedback from the community, and even some of the other smaller businesses had started their own intern programs. It was what Kelley had hoped for. Much more people had gotten a step in the right direction for
a bright future.
Kelley’s home project of repainting the family room and one of the upstairs bedrooms had gone well. He’d even watched videos on how to paint stripes onto one wall in the family room, roping his friends into helping. Kelley loved how it came out and had been thinking of doing it to some more rooms.
Anything to keep his mind as busy at home as it was at work.
David and Charlie had been coming over more often just to hang out. He started to feel like they were babysitting him. He shooed them home a couple of times, not wanting to be alone, but certainly not needing his friends hovering about. It was his job to hover.
As Kelley could’ve predicted, Peter had been less than sympathetic to his heartbreak, there had been some “I told you” and “You don’t need that shit” from him, but Kelley understood his friend was the less love talk, more sex talk kind of guy. But he had given him a hug when no one was looking and then walked away.
He was glad for his friends. They helped and annoyed in equal measure. Who could ask for better than that?
Kelley contemplated calling Alex a million times in the weeks following the breakup. He missed him so much. He found himself wondering what they were both doing, was Alex okay, did he miss him.
But each time he picked up his phone to make the call he would talk himself out of it. He knew it was for the best. Alex hadn’t been in the right place to be in a relationship. Especially not one that Kelley had wanted.
He had been closing down his computer to leave for the day when his office phone rang.
“Yes, Delilah?”
“Mr. Matthews, you have a phone call on hold.”
“Okay, who is it?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Matthews I didn’t ask. I was just walking out the door when I picked it up.”
“Oh, alright, I’ll just pick it up. Thanks, Delilah. Have a good night.”
Pushing the line with the blinking light, he picked up the call. “Kelley Matthews speaking.”
“Hi, Kelley. It’s me. Evie.”
Evie? Why would she be calling him after all that time? “I know who you are, kiddo. Why are you calling me? Is there something wrong?”
“No, I just…” Her voice had gone quiet when she continued a moment later. “Well, Alex is in the shower, and I wanted to tell you that I miss you and I wanted to talk to you and ask if maybe you can come over?”
That little girl was going to break his heart. How do you explain to someone so young about break ups? Alex must’ve said something to her. “Oh, Evie. I miss you so much too, and I’m glad you called, but you know I can’t come over, right?”
“Yeah. I guess. I know you aren’t boyfriends with Alex anymore…” There was a long pause before she finally spoke again. “I heard you that last night you were here. He listened, ya know?”
Great, he hadn’t even thought that Evie would’ve overheard what they were talking about, he had been so lost in the moment, so scared for Alex. And then heartbroken for himself when Alex sent him away. “I’m sorry you had to overhear that, kiddo. I never wanted you to. What do you mean he listened?”
“He’s so stubborn, but sometimes the wax in his ears doesn’t block out what he doesn’t want to hear. He started going to see a doctor, and he’s less stubborn now. So, I’d bet he’d love to see you.” She had spoken so fast it was hard to understand her.
“I’m so happy for him and you. I’m happy and glad, and it’s a beautiful thing for you, but, Evie, you gotta listen really good right now, okay?”
Evie sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”
“If your brother wants to see me he’ll do it when he’s ready. You know that, right?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was so quiet with sadness it was near a whisper.
“And no one, not you and not me, can push him to do that. You understand?”
“I think so. But…but…I miss you.” And that time Kelley could hear her little sniffles when she started to cry. All he wanted to do was run over there and hug her until she stopped.
“Oh, no tears. No tears. You’re breaking my heart. You want to make me cry while I’m at work?”
A few moments later her sniffles died down, she replied, “I guess not.”
“Okay, good. I’ve got a reputation to uphold here you know.” Evie’s watery giggle still broke his heart. “I miss you bunches and bunches, kiddo, but how about we leave this up to your brother and hope that he won’t be super stubborn forever.”
With such steel in her voice, she said, “Yeah, okay. If he does, I can just kick him.”
Kelley laughed at her because he could see her doing just that. Not that he would encourage her or anything, but it made him feel a bit better knowing that she had missed him and was willing to fight to get him.
Now only if her brother would do the same. “Maybe.”
“Thank you for talking to me, Kelley.”
“Anytime, kiddo. Anytime.”
Although that hadn’t brought Alex back to him, he felt good knowing something had woken Alex up to what had been happening with him. In the end, his greatest wish was that Alex got help. The rest was just bonus.
Alex walked out into his bedroom after his shower to find Evie putting his phone down on his desk. “Whatcha doing, Evie?”
She hadn’t heard him coming so when he’d spoken she startled and dropped the phone. Then just as suddenly she turned on him, arms crossed over her chest with her super mad face glaring right at him. Uh oh.
“I called Kelley cuz I miss him. Maybe you don’t, or maybe you’re just stubborn like always. But I want him back. I miss him, and I have a right to tell him that even if you don’t.”
She then turned on her heel and stalked out of his room.
Well, I guess she told me.
Alex had so much going on.
His therapist said he needed to fix his schedule allowing for other things in his life, not just work. Although he loved his work, he knew that hiding at his desk, burying himself in his work wasn’t the answer anymore.
And most of all it was best for Evie.
She had taken his therapy so well even to the point thinking that they could go together so they could play with her toys. He wanted to laugh at that, but in some ways, he’d rather have her therapy than his.
Too many times now his ended in tears. Sometimes it was happy tears for a realization about himself or a habit he had broken, much like hiding away his feelings.
Sharing with the therapist had made it easier to share with everyone else. Well everyone else being Ben and Evie.
But other times he cried from grief. After years and years, he finally grieved the losses in his life. He hadn’t felt immediately better afterward, sometimes it took days for the relief of that to come. But he never gave up, never stopped trying.
Well, he stopped trying when it came to Kelley.
Evie was still rather mad at him since her phone call with Kelley the other day. Alex was being a chicken. She wouldn’t tell him what they talked about and his fear was that it was bad. That Kelley had given up hope.
He should call Kelley. He deserved that much with all the shit he put him through and all the help Kelley had given Alex. He wanted to fix or amend any hurt he might have caused. Kelley was important to him.
Alex hadn’t gotten up the balls to ask his therapist about Kelley. If having a relationship right now was what was best for him. And he knew why he hadn’t asked. Alex was afraid of the answer.
Kelley was just as important to him as Evie was, as Ben was. Kelley was buried in his heart. Alex couldn’t get him out if he tried. He knew that because he tried so many times during their relationship. Kelley was there now, and he was family. His family.
He had to learn to trust his heart and his mind in knowing who he could open himself up to. And nearly from the very beginning, they both had given him the green light when it came to him.
Probably was the reason why Kelley could so easily embed himself, like he had always been there.
But did
that mean he could keep Kelley? Put him through more of Alex’s issues for who knows how long while he learned to heal, learned to grieve because he was not under any illusion that it was a quick fix for him.
He watched Evie, even as a child, go through the steps of therapy, and it wasn’t easy. Did he want that for Kelley? He had given Alex the key to open the door and the light to deal with the darkness that he locked inside himself.
That was why he should’ve asked his therapist. He just kept going round and round in his head. He would’ve at least given him a way to make sense, to break it down in a way that would help him understand what he wanted.
He was just a chicken shit for not asking him.
Shaking his head at his stupidity and stubbornness, Alex started to pick up Evie’s room like he intended before she got home. The place was a mess, and the mindless task would help him calm and center his thoughts so that maybe he could figure that out on his own.
Alex knew that he started that whole not hiding thing with his emotions, but he hadn’t put it into practice with Kelley. Avoiding making the decision, just like he avoided asking his therapist those same questions.
That was it. Alex had to go.
All the way over to Kelley’s Alex had been shaking like a fucking leaf. He had sat in the back of the car, eyes closed, doing all the deep breathing exercises he’d learned while his hands lay under his thighs so they would stop trembling.
Once he arrived at the gate that leads to the door, he stopped. Alex knew he had to do that but he was terrified. He was already sure Kelley would send him away like Alex had done to him. His mind had grabbed hold of that thought and not let go.
He could do it. He had to do it. Even if it meant heartbreak, he had to move forward.
Punching in the code, he made his way to the front door, and before he talked himself out of it, he knocked. The stunned look on Kelley’s face made him feel like an idiot. He should’ve called to see if that was okay. But too late now, might as well go for the gold. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
Letting Go Page 30
