by D. Kelly
“Who the hell do you think you are to give me advice?” Daniel yells loudly this time, but Marc isn’t having it. He cuts him off as if he didn’t even hear him.
“And if you haven’t figured it out already, Kate is the perfect person to step in and fill that role for him.”
What the hell?
“What happened with Kate and me is between us. But it isn’t what you have with her. She loves you in a way she’s never loved me. In a way she never even loved Mike. I don’t really care if you like me or not, but I’d rather be your friend than your enemy. Matthews and I have spent too many years having that battle. But I’m warning you right now, don’t fuck this up, because if you do I’m going to be there to pick her up and put her back together this time. If you let her go again, I’m going to take the opportunity I should have a long time ago and get that beautiful girl to fall head over heels in love with me. So I suggest you stop being so stubborn before that happens and it’s too late for you.”
“Are you done now?” Daniel asks, sounding bored.
“Yes,” Marc replies.
“Good, then get out of my way. I need to take my son home.”
That did not sound good. Marc walks in with a triumphant look on his face and I’m at a loss for words.
“Were you eavesdropping, baby girl?” he asks with a knowing look on his face.
“Asshole. You know I was,” I tell him, smacking him with my towel as I walk by.
“Good, then you know I’m trying to make this right for you,” he tells me with such sincerity I can’t even be mad at him.
“Maybe you were, but he’s hurting right now.”
Marc smiles a panty melting smile. “I know, and it’s the best time for him to hear it. While he’s emotional and questioning life, he’ll actually put thought into it. Even if he may not want to.”
He has a point.
“Alright, I’ve got to take a shower and get ready. Why don’t you take this opportunity and go downstairs and tell Mike how you tricked him all those years ago? It would be nice for you two to make some peace, too.”
I’m scolding him, but he deserves it. When he told me what he did to Mike when he was away on vacation, I was furious but got over it quickly. Mike gave as good as he got.
“Mike was leaving when I pulled up. I’ll tell him eventually, but if you think it’s going to make peace you’re delusional. He’s going to be pissed I let him believe it all these years.”
And he’s right about that, too.
“Fine. Just go wait downstairs. I don’t want any more drama today.”
He laughs and holds his hands up in surrender. “You got it, baby girl. No more drama from me. Today is our big day. I’m so proud of you and your mom would be, too.”
And that right there is why he’s my soul keeper. He’s the first and only one to mention her to me today.
“Your mom would be extremely proud of you, too. You know, they’re probably sitting up in Heaven with Lila Hope and Vanessa, watching us right now and loving every minute of it.” I tear up at just the thought and I swear he does, too, but he quickly schools his features. Marc doesn’t like to be vulnerable often, but every once in a while he makes an exception for me.
After giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, he goes back downstairs and I try and push aside my sadness while I get ready for one of the biggest days of my life.
I just wish Daniel was going to be there for it.
Graduation was long and afterward, we had what seemed like an even longer and extremely awkward early dinner with Maryanne and her fiancé, my dad and Claire, Marc’s dad, Jeff, Jake and April, and Linda and Brian. It’s the first time all of us have been together since Mike came back into the picture and Dad and Claire decided to get married. Let’s just say I’m really glad to be home.
After changing into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, it’s time to go next door. I knock gently, in case Lucas is asleep, and let myself in after Daniel calls for me to come in. He’s in the process of putting Lucas in his car seat when I enter.
“Hey, we were just going to run to the house so I can get some clean clothes. I wanted to go earlier but Lucas was really fussy. I think he misses Vanessa.”
Hearing those words breaks my heart. Daniel looks frazzled; I think he can use some alone time.
“I’d be happy to stay here with him if you want. It might be easier for you to be in and out if you have both hands free.”
He looks relieved but he also looks back and forth between me and Lucas as if he’s not sure what to do. I’m sure leaving him right now is hard. Finally, his body relaxes and he looks like a weight has been lifted from him.
“Yeah, that would be great. I won’t be long. Chad is supposed to be here in a little bit to pick up some stuff.”
“Take however long you need. I’ll give him a bath and feed him so he’ll be ready for bed when you get home.”
Daniel kisses Lucas and places him gently in my arms, giving him another kiss goodbye before leaving.
“Are you hungry? I can pick up something to eat on the way home.”
He’s trying.
“I’m not starving but I could eat a little something if you want to stop,” I answer nonchalantly.
“Yeah, okay. Maybe I’ll pick up a pizza…or two.” He winks at me as he leaves.
I’m laughing and shaking my head and hoping we’re finally getting past the baby steps part of our reconciliation.
“Okay, Lucas, how about we go upstairs and I’ll give you a nice warm bath?” He seems melancholy. I bet he senses something’s going on even if he doesn’t know what it is.
Halfway through the bath, his eyes begin to droop. Poor little guy is exhausted. After rinsing his hair, I wrap him up in a towel and get him all dried off in the nursery. I’m singing him Rock-A-Bye Baby softly in the glider when he knocks out and Chad walks in. He flashes me an obviously forced smile as I place Lucas in his crib and turn on the monitor. I follow his lead but pause at Vanessa’s bedroom door; I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.
“I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” I tell him gently.
“Wait, Kate. Actually, can we talk for a minute?”
“Of course.”
He takes a seat on the edge of the bed and I sit next to him. “How are you holding up?”
He chokes on a sob and I watch as his shoulders shake and his body trembles. I’d love to help him but I don’t even know how so I just rub his back, trying to comfort him as he cries. Finally, he’s able to talk.
“She was the love of my life. I knew when we were fourteen years old that I would marry her someday. Her home life was awful. Her mom was a real piece of work. You know my parents went to tell her Vanessa died and to see if she wanted to come out and meet her grandson and go to the funeral. Do you know what she said?”
He’s so angry. It must be really bad. I don’t even think I want to know how bad.
“She told my parents if there was a life insurance policy to make sure they had her current address and then started making out with her boyfriend and closed the door in their face.”
OH MY GOD.
Now I’m crying and still trying to comfort Chad. “That’s awful,” I whisper, using my free hand to wipe away my tears.
“You know what the worst part is? It doesn’t even surprise me. How sad is that? Vanessa’s mom has never paid attention to her unless she wanted to tear her down or needed her for something. But I had hoped that if she knew her daughter was gone…that she would just…I don’t know…feel it, even just for half a second?”
This conversation is so sad.
“Maybe it’s better this way. If she came she would just cause a scene and I know Vanessa wouldn’t want Lucas anywhere near her.”
He pauses a second and looks at me thoughtfully, “Speaking of Lucas, you’re good with him. I’ve noticed it before… but tonight, when I was watching you with him…you looked like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. And yet none of that refl
ected outwardly to him. Vanessa…she would be so happy Lucas still has you in his life.”
He chokes out the last bit and I’ve had enough. I have to hug him, and it might be uncomfortable because we don’t know each other that well, but he needs to be hugged. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to mind and actually grips on to my shirt, pulling me closer. We both cry it out a bit and then gradually he pulls away, wiping his face on his sleeve.
“Daniel told me you want to bury her by Lila Hope. I think she would like that very much. As a matter of fact…” He stands up, walks to the dresser, and pulls an envelope out of her jewelry box. When he sits back down, he hands it to me. It’s sealed and has my name on the outside in her handwriting. My hand trembles as I look down at it. My heart races. I want so badly to rip it open and read it, but a part of me wants to savor whatever is inside for when I might be missing her most.
“Vanessa and I talked a lot about the future. We wasted too much time apart once we moved here and wanted to be pro-active for all things yet to come. She wanted you to have this immediately if something happened to her. It’s my fault. I should have come back here yesterday and made sure you had it but I just couldn’t bring myself to be here without her.”
I’m trying to swallow over the lump in my throat but I’m having a really hard time.
“It will be hard for a while but Lucas is going to need you, Chad.”
His shoulders slump and he lets out a long sigh. “I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but if anyone knows how this feels it’s probably you. I love Lucas, but part of me is really resentful he isn’t mine. It sounds awful to say that out loud but in a perfect world he would have been ours. If she was gone and he was ours…at least I’d have a piece of us left. There’s nothing I won’t do for that little boy. I will love his mother until the day I die, but I think I have to step back for now. I don’t know that I can be daddy Chad to him, but without a doubt I’ll be able to be another uncle for him.”
Without a second thought, I reach over and take his hand in mine. “Don’t make that decision now. You may change your mind later. You’re hurting and this whole situation is tragic. You need to remember Vanessa wanted you in his life. Don’t do something drastic while you’re hurting.”
“Thank you for your kind words. Vanessa was right; you really do care for everyone around you. I’ve given this a lot of thought, even before Vanessa died. Not that I mind being a step-parent, but I was always planning on taking more of an uncle-type roll. Daniel is a great dad and he deserves that title all to himself. It’s not like he was going to be an every other weekend kind of dad. If he was, then maybe I would have felt differently. I’m comfortable with this, and also a little excited at the thought of someday really enjoying my time with him instead of the shadow of losing his mom hanging over us.”
I nod my head because I understand what he means; I’ve had the very same thoughts myself. Daniel walks in, and once he sees the two of us in tears, he turns to leave. He’s not upset, just trying to give us time.
“Daniel, hang on. I need to talk to you.” He turns to me and smiles sweetly. “Thank you for the talk, Kate. I really needed to get some of that out. Read the letter now. It’s what Vanessa wanted. I’ve got to get back to my parents, but I’ll see you soon?”
“Absolutely. And if you need to talk again call me anytime, day or night.”
He nods. “Thank you. I just might take you up on that.”
Now it’s my turn to smile at him. “I hope you do. I think I speak for us all when I say we’d like to get to know you better. You’re going to be a part of all of our lives for a really long time.”
Daniel has a beaming smile on his face and I know it’s because I said the words he’s probably had trouble expressing to Chad himself.
“I’ll be back up after I show Chad out.”
After they walk out, I turn the letter over and over in my hands, wondering what Vanessa’s words are going to do to my heart. With shaking hands, I carefully open the envelope and withdraw the pages within.
Dear Kate,
Hello, my friend. Sit back and get comfortable…I want to tell you a story. And since you’re reading this letter, it’s obviously my last story to tell, so I better make it a good one.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond terrified. The lack of confidence I had in myself was immeasurable. I knew without a doubt there was no way I could do this. I had no life skills other than waitressing and having played a minor stint in being a bitch. That role I played exceptionally well, having learned from the queen of all bitches—my mother. With that kind of history, how could I bring a child into the world and even possibly begin to give them the kind of life they deserved? The kind of life I could have only dreamed of having as a kid myself. But then something happened. The pregnancy started to progress and I could feel my baby moving. I began to let myself start to get a little bit excited, anticipating what blessings this child inside of me was going to bring to my life. I stopped completely fearing how bad I would eventually screw him up and started hoping and wishing for all the ways he could make my life better. Other than Chad, this baby would be the first person who ever loved me. That thought excited me to no end and also terrified me immensely.
Then…I got sick.
When I found out about my pre-eclampsia, I knew somewhere deep inside my soul that I wasn’t going to live long enough to be a mother to this child. I’ve never said that out loud, not to anyone. I didn’t want to chance there was a bit of truth to it. What I did instead was start looking for Daniel and Mike. And yes, it was out of necessity because I needed help, but it was also because I was terrified.
During the past few months, getting to know you and your friends has been one of the greatest gifts I could have ever been given. You give me hope, Kate, and I haven’t hoped in a very long time. I learned at a young age hope gets you nowhere. And yet here I am, twenty two years old and I’m hoping for all kinds of things. Hoping it will all be okay, hoping I can be the mother my little boy deserves and one he’ll be proud of. I don’t think you realize the amount of calmness you’ve instilled in me, but your friendship has shaken me to my core. I’ve never met anyone in my life who is willing to look out for others the way you do. You reached out to me even when it directly affected your own happiness. You have an amazing gift to love people, Kate, and I have never been prouder to call someone my friend.
In a perfect world, I’d be here learning from your example so I could one day be as loving as you. You’re an inspiration to me and I thank God daily that you’re in my life. With all my heart I wanted to prove to those around me that I’m sorry for my mistakes and I can be the better person from here on out. I hope, in the time I had with you all, you realized I’m a work in progress but the end result would have been worth the wait. Sadly, since you’re reading this letter that’s not a future meant for me. Just because I’m no longer here doesn’t mean I don’t have a say in what happens, though. That’s why I need your help one last time and since I’m dead, you’re obligated. You can’t say no. Yes, I did just play the dead mother card on you. Sorry about that, but I know you still love me.
First, I want you to know you really have made a difference in my life. I consider you my closest girlfriend. I’ve never had one of those before and I’m really going to miss you. I know when you saw Daniel and me together you thought something was happening, or had happened, and that’s what has driven you guys apart. He loves you, Kate, more than he ever loved me, and that’s okay. It’s the way it should be. Anyone can see it. Don’t let him continue to push you away; he needs you now more than ever.
I think I knew the whole time Daniel was the father and that’s the way it should be, too. My little boy needs to know he was created out of love and I did love Daniel, I just wasn’t in love with him. In a perfect world, I would have created Lucas with Chad but that wasn’t meant to be. And in a way, I’m glad… because if that had been the case not only would I not have my Lucas (who I don’t regret
at all; he’s everything good about me) but I wouldn’t have met any of you guys, either. Your friendships and love are priceless to me.
Now that I’m gone, Lucas needs a mother. This is not an observation, it’s a fact. He needs someone in his life who will love him unconditionally and who will raise him as her own, even though he’s not. That someone is you, Kate. I want Lucas to know that God gave him to me so I could give him to you. I want him to know I picked you to be his mommy because I knew you would love him like no one other than me could. You and his father can let him know I’m in Heaven taking care of his sister, Lila Hope. And I will, I promise. I’ll find her and your mom and we’ll wait eighty years for you to come to us.
I know it’s a lot to ask, but I also know you’re the only one right for this particular request. I don’t know a lot of things but I know what I see when I look at you and Daniel. Your love story is epic and one day soon (I hope), you’ll get married and give Lucas some brothers and sisters. I never had siblings and I always felt like I was missing out. I don’t want Lucas to miss out on that experience. Please make sure Chad somehow stays in his life. I’m sure he’ll bow out of daddy duty because it will be too hard on him with me gone. That’s okay. Just keep him in the fold. Make him an uncle, or better yet, a Godfather. And please, for all that is holy, keep my mother away from Lucas. Don’t let her get near him to taint his life. He doesn’t deserve to be jaded by her.
If you and Daniel don’t end up working things out (even writing that hurts my heart, so you better fix what’s broken) I still want you to be Lucas’s mom. Chad’s attorney also has a copy of this letter and his staff had this notarized. In case any issues arise, my wishes are legally binding.
Thank you, Kate, from the bottom of my heart, for being my friend and showing me how good life can be. It’s amazing how things can change when you surround yourself with good people and let the past go. But most of all, thank you for being an amazing mom to Lucas. Please give my baby boy a daily hug, kiss, and I love you from me.
