by Rosalie Ash
'Do you really want Matt to stay away from you and Archie?' Jessica said finally.
She raised hunted eyes to her sister's narrowed gaze, and then shook her head jerkily.
'No! Oh God, no!' she groaned, rubbing her forehead, ‘I just felt... I felt that I couldn’t face it all over again. How can I explain? I'm not even sure how to explain it to myself!'
'You're frightened of letting yourself trust him.'
Victoria sighed. 'Yes. And I've been having a bit of a struggle with my pride.'
Jessica smiled slightly. 'I wonder why?' she taunted, 'Surely you're not about to admit you're as proud and stubborn as a mule?'
'Are mules proud? I thought that was peacocks,' she countered, smiling reluctantly.
'No, peacocks are vain, and at least that's one fault you don't have, little sister.' Jessica sat back with a thoughtful gleam in her eyes which was all too familiar. Even in the slightly tatty red dressing gown she managed to look glamorous, groomed and elegantly in control.
'Don't tell me you've got another brilliant plan,' Victoria sighed, 'You've meddled enough already. God, Jess, you set us up again, yesterday. You should open your own dating agency!'
'And all I've been doing is try and push together two of the nicest and stupidest people I know!'
Victoria managed a smile, but her heart felt leaden. Her cold vigil, huddled in the Range Rover last night, had finally opened a window on a dazzling, painfully bright truth. Matt had summoned every ounce of courage to beg her forgiveness. He had said he was no good at grovelling, but he had made a pretty good job of it. And she had sent him away. He hadn’t actually said he loved her, but he’d offered her everything else, offered to share his life with her and Archie, support them, create a family together, and she had been too strangled with fear and pride to accept his offer.
Worse still, she’d lied to him. She’d told him she didn’t love him any more. And now she’d completely blown it. He’d gone.
'I’d been thinking that he was in love with Emma Goodman,' she told Jessica suddenly, her voice distracted. 'But maybe he’s not…'
Jessica agreed, an edge to her voice, 'She's quite possibly been in love with him for years, but you know how good Matt is at keeping people at arm's length.'
'Yes.' Victoria lowered her eyes, remembering their frantic, explosive lovemaking last night. She had somehow got through his barricades, he had said. All that intense, repressed passion appeared to be for her alone. Last night's sensations flooded back through her, and she blushed involuntarily, warmth gradually displacing the chill inside her.
‘I love him, Jessica,’ she said, ‘I realised what an idiot I’ve been, while I was watching the sun come up this morning. I’ve been so busy protecting myself from getting hurt again. But Archie deserves better than me feuding constantly with his father. And anyway, I finally faced my biggest fear. A future without Matt would be so much more horrible than the risk of loving him, and losing him again.’ She tugged shaky fingers through her dishevelled hair, and rubbed her eyes wearily, ‘Oh God, is it always like this?’
‘What?’
‘Falling in love, trying to have a normal relationship?’
‘What’s a normal relationship?’ Jessica pulled a wry face.
‘You know what I’ve always thought?’ Victoria rubbed her fingers over her eyes, ‘You meet someone, you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, you have romantic dates, an engagement party, a fairytale wedding, a dreamlike honeymoon, enjoy several years as an inseparable couple before producing two gorgeous little children to complete your wedded bliss. And before you say anything, I do accept that my girlie vision isn’t going to happen to me!’
‘I doubt if it really happens to anyone, Vic.’
‘But surely, you and Andrew?’
‘Andy and I have had our problems, like anyone else. We’re okay now, I think, but we’ve had a few moments when we nearly gave up on it. In fact, I’ve even wondered recently if he’s …’ Jessica ran a hand through her hair, then stopped. There was a slight sound at the door, and they both turned to see Mira's striking, high-cheek boned face peering in. ‘Oh, thank you Mira.’
‘You’re welcome.’ The blonde girl’s husky Bosnian accent gave the platitude a sing-song sexiness that hung in the air as she glided in with the tray.
‘Just leave it here, would you?’ Jessica pointed to the low table by the fire.
Mira smiled and carefully deposited the tray containing two steaming mugs of tea. They both waited until she’d gone out of the room again.
Victoria sipped the hot drink gratefully.
‘But we’re not talking about Andy and me,’ Jessica picked up where she’d left off, ‘We’re talking about you and Matt. You two really are your own worst enemies. Matt has all his past experiences to blame for the way he’s mishandled this thing with you. And you, well, basically you’re so young and inexperienced, Vic, and so impetuous, sometimes I just despair of ever getting through to you!’
Jessica’s expression was so frustrated that Victoria gave a short laugh.
'It’s alright. I am beginning to get the message. What were you going to say about Andrew, just now?’
‘Nothing that won’t wait for another time.' Jessica stood up suddenly, ‘I think I can hear breakfast mayhem starting up in the kitchen!’
Victoria stared at her sister closely. ‘Jess, you’d tell me if there was something wrong, wouldn’t you?’
‘Of course. Let’s go and see what mayhem our little darlings are creating, shall we?’
They took their tea mugs through to the kitchen, where mayhem was indeed in full swing. Archie was currently plastering Weetabix all over Elspeth and the kitchen floor, and William was giggling as Mira tried to feed him fingers of buttered toast. Jonathan was in his baby-bounce chair, watching the proceedings with solemn appreciation.
Uncaring of his sticky state, Victoria lifted Archie out of his high chair and cuddled him close against her, then held him a little away to look into the familiar silver eyes.
‘Your Daddy wanted us to try to be a family,’ she said to her wide-eyed son, trying to hold back tears, ‘We’d have liked that, wouldn’t we!’
'Then what are you waiting for?' Jessica gave her a small shake, 'For God’s sake, Vic, ring him, just tell him the truth, tell him how you feel!’
‘I think it might be too late. So far, I’ve sent him three texts, left three voice messages for him, and sent him an email...’
‘How long ago?’
Victoria turned to meet Jessica’s impatient eyes, and shrugged miserably.
‘I sent the last message about an hour ago.’
‘And what… nothing?’
Victoria shook her head.
Jessica pulled a face. ‘Nice one, Matt,’ she murmured, ‘What did you say in your messages?’
‘Just...just that I’d been thinking all night, and I need to talk to him.’
Jessica took Archie from Victoria’s arms, and plopped him back in his highchair.
‘I’ve got to get to the farm shop within an hour, so I have to go and shower. And in the meantime, Vic, please go home and get some sleep! You look like the living dead. When it’s a less anti-social hour, I’ll ring Emma, see if she knows where Matt has gone.’
‘Don’t bother,’ Victoria felt her voice crack as she imparted the final bit of information she’d been trying to block out, ‘When I said I’d heard nothing, I did get a response to my email.’ She went back to the sitting room, retrieved her mobile phone from her bag. Jessica followed her, then frowned at the screen Victoria showed her. ‘I got this automated message. He’s only gone back to bloody New York! And, naturally, he gives Emma Goodman’s email address to contact with anything urgent!’
Chapter Twenty-Five
Nearly a hundred guests were clustered in groups, wrapped up warm in coats, hats and scarves, chattering and laughing, their breath clouding in the icy December air. There was the spicy scent of warm mulled wine, and
a rich savoury smell of barbecued burgers, sausages and fried onions. The fairy lights in the trees turned the courtyard and walled garden into a kind of magical grotto. Assorted small children weaved in and out of the adults, waving sparklers and shouting excitedly as the bonfire leaped and crackled and the fireworks whooshed, fizzed and popped.
Victoria, with Caroline and Shelley helping, was busy behind the barbecue, putting sausages into bread rolls, garnishing them with onions, and distributing them to hungry guests. Sebastian was there somewhere, with a sweet-faced girl who he’d introduced meaningfully as ‘just a friend’. Victoria hoped otherwise, feeling pleased for him.
She gazed around her, smiling but distracted, her eyes constantly scanning the crowds. There were two reasons for this. One was that she was checking that Archie was alright. The other was that Matt hadn’t arrived yet, and she was on tenterhooks, wondering if he would really come as he’d said he would.
She located her small son, who was on safety reins for the evening, with Elspeth firmly grasping them. William was delightedly prancing around to demonstrate his freedom, provoking wails of complaint. She watched Elspeth put a sparkler into Archie’s gloved hand, helped him to draw golden circles in the night air with it, hovering to make sure he held it away from his face, saw the look of wonder replace the tantrum.
She was doing her best to enjoy the evening, but she was in a state of heightened nervous tension. She and Matt had been exchanging a few brief texts and emails over the last few days, hers stressing that she really had to talk to him, his responses emotionless and factual, stating that he’d gone to New York to see Sam Kent’s family before Christmas, to make sure they were OK. But nevertheless, they’d been communicating. He’d emailed two days ago, to say that he would be back from his trip in time to come to her birthday party. Just the thought of seeing him again tonight, after ten days of absence, was making her palms damp and her stomach twist into knots.
So far, he hadn’t arrived. She fiddled with her scarf, and served another hot dog, exchanged some jokey banter with one of their suppliers. If he didn’t come soon, she was going to explode like one of the fireworks.
Megan was coming over to her. Her sister was with Daniel Rockston, one of their best customers. Daniel was a chef and restaurateur, who had taken over the Golden Lion, transforming the already successful gastro-pub into a really top-end restaurant, and he bought all of his organic meat from the farm shop.
‘Great party, kind of a cross between Guy Fawkes and Christmas.’ Daniel grinned. He had a tall, Rugby-playing build, and his dark blue eyes were friendly under spiky-cut black hair.
‘Sorry we can’t match your haute cuisine,’ she smiled back, ‘But have a hot dog anyway!’
‘I just came to tell you that I saw Matt arriving a minute ago,’ Megan said, her face pink from standing by the bonfire, ‘And you shouldn’t be lurking here serving the food, it’s your party!’
‘I needed something to do… where is he?’ Victoria’s throat was dry with fear.
‘I don’t know, somewhere in the crowd over there…’
‘Shall I go and see if I can round him up for you?’ Shelley suggested, exchanging glances with Caroline.
‘Happy Birthday, Victoria.’ Matt’s deep voice spoke just behind her. She spun round, her heart thudding so loudly she was sure he must hear it.
‘Matt!’
He looked so bone-meltingly gorgeous, tall, broad-shouldered, unsmiling, his hair flopping over his eyes, in Levis, thick sweater, black leather jacket, his silver-grey scarf wound round his neck. She couldn't catch her breath for a moment. God, she’d have to breathe into a paper bag in a minute, like an asthma sufferer.
Megan had calmly taken over the food serving, Caroline and Shelley were unashamedly gawping at Matt, and Daniel was spinning a good line to nearby guests about cordon bleu sausages and organic fried onions.
‘How does it feel to be all grown up at last?’ Matt mocked lightly.
‘OK. Good.’ She felt awkward, self-conscious, heat colouring her face and neck, impossibly shy and nervous suddenly, ‘Umm… can we go somewhere private, Matt?’
‘Right now? I only just got here. What about my cordon bleu hot dog?’ He was deadpan and teasing, no flicker of emotion.
‘It has to be right now. I can’t wait any longer.’
‘Sounds too good to turn down. How private do we need to be?’
He clearly wasn’t going to make this easy for her.
‘Private enough so I can talk to you. It’s my turn to give you some explanations. And I really hope you’re going to listen to me better than I did to you.’
She summoned the courage to grab his arm, her fingers impatiently closing round the hard muscle beneath the leather. She purposefully steered him away from the various clusters of guests, some of whom were observing their encounter with amused interest. She practically frog-marched him round the side of the house, past groups of people who were gathered to watch the next round of fireworks being lit by a friend of Andy’s. She could see that the kitchen was a bustling centre of preparation, Jessica pink-faced in a large striped apron, overseeing fresh supplies of food to be ferried outside.
Victoria tugged Matt past the kitchen door, towards the French doors that led into the sitting room. Finally alone, she shut the doors behind them, flicked on a table lamp, and turned to face him.
Suddenly her nerve failed. All the words that wanted to pour out, the apologies, the truths about her feelings, seemed to jam up inside her.
‘How…how was New York?’ she said awkwardly.
Matt looked faintly surprised, but said, ‘OK. The family are still traumatised.’
‘Could you do anything for them?’
‘I left some money with Sam’s widow, enough to pay for as much family counselling as it takes.’ Matt let out a shaky breath, and shrugged, ‘I didn’t feel I helped them much. There’s not much you can do to speed up the grieving process. The little girl is doing alright, but Leo is struggling. I suggested he might take the classic gap year and go travelling, and he was seriously thinking about it when I left.’
‘Are you OK?’ She wanted to reach out and take his hand, but she felt paralysed with nerves. ‘It must have been harrowing for you.’
‘I’m OK. Thank you. Did you drag me in here to make small talk, Victoria? Because I thought we had it all sorted out last time we talked. I’d still like to go and say hello to Archie, if that’s alright with you?’
She took a breath, determined not to lose her impetus now.
‘Yes. No. Matt…’ she began, huskily, ‘The things I said, the way I acted at the hotel, I was being stupid, and defensive, and hurtful, and cruel. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I think I might have hurt myself even more than I hurt you…’
‘Unlikely.’
‘Matt… I’m sorry, so, so sorry.’
‘Sorry for what? For being honest, telling me that you could never see a relationship between us working? What exactly are you trying to say, Victoria?’ He was looking down at her with that unnerving gaze.
‘That I wasn’t being honest!’ she said, her voice choking, ‘I’m trying to say that… that… that if you still want us to try to be a family, see if we can make it all work, you, me and Archie, and do all the stuff you talked about that night at the hotel, I’d like to try too.’
He stared at her in silence for a long, heart-stopping time.
‘Even though, last time we talked face to face,’ he repeated with careful deliberation, ‘You told me you didn’t love me any more. And that I could never be a family man, never be a good father.’
‘I’m sorry. I was lashing out. Protecting myself. Defence the best form of attack, you know? I thought you were just trying to be honourable, do your duty to me and Archie. I… I thought you loved Emma.’
'When did you dream that up?'
'The day we took Archie to the park? You said that up till two years ago, you'd never met anyone you wanted to get involved with. I thought yo
u couldn't possibly be talking about me. So you meant you'd fallen in love with someone else. Just before that weekend at Jessica's. That you'd had to put up with my infatuation with you, while you were in love with someone else.'
Matt shook his head slightly, as if trying to compute illogical information.
‘So that was it. Why you suddenly froze me out all over again. I don’t love Emma. I was trying to tell you how much I cared about you.’
Her breath hitched, and she felt a shudder of emotion sweep through her.
‘So, I guess it’s a shame that you don’t love me anymore.’ he added quietly.
