by Myers, AJ
“It’s all right, Em,” Tyler crooned, not even bothering to hide his fear. He wasn’t afraid of me—and he really should have been because I was starving and he smelled like Heaven—he was afraid for me. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s go home.”
“I don’t have a home anymore,” I whispered against his neck, trying not to breathe in his essence like a drowning woman.
When I realized what I’d just said, I almost laughed. Not only had I been dumped by my soul mate, I was homeless. No matter what anyone thinks, it doesn’t get much worse than that. I mean, who gets dumped by their soul mate?
“We’ll take care of you, Em.” When Tyler leaned down and kissed my forehead, I tried to shut back down again, to retreat from everything and everyone, but he wouldn’t let me. Holding me closer, he started walking through the woods, making plans as he went. “We’re going to get you some Nexus, then you’re going to get some rest so you can recover from this. When you’re ready, we’ll talk about what to do next. Okay?”
I nodded, but only because I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. I could shoot myself up with enough Nexus to die of an overdose and stay in bed for the next thousand years and it wouldn’t do any good. I wasn’t going to recover. I would survive, sure, but I would never recover. Because, undead or not, you can’t live without your heart.
And Nathan hadn’t bothered to give mine back.
Chapter 17: Get Up & Get Over It
Okay, I admit it. I was totally pathetic for the first three days after Nathan and I called it quits. I just curled back up in a ball on Kim’s bed and gave up. For those three days, I became a creature I positively detested. I became a weakling, a loser who thought her life was over because some guy didn’t want her anymore.
Grams came to check on me, but I refused to see her. I wasn’t very nice about it, either. That didn’t keep her from coming back over and over again. Mrs. Val, Kim’s mom, came in and talked to me after the third time I turned her away, but I refused to hear what she said in Grams’ defense. She had taken something from me when she bound me—again. She had taken something that she had no right to take. It was going to be a while before I forgave her for that, no matter how good her intentions might have been.
Kim left my side only long enough to go to school and to sleep. Blake was just as vigilant. They would sit with me for hours, talking quietly to me in the hopes of reaching me somehow. When they realized they weren’t going to get through to me until I was good and ready to listen, they just stayed beside me.
Tyler never left. He stayed right there beside me, day and night. He didn’t attempt to reach me, but, then, he didn’t have to. He got through to me just by being there. And as he sat there, holding my hand and giving me my shots so Kim and Blake would be safe around me, something between us that had always been there got stronger.
“Why do you stay with me?” I asked him in a whisper the night after he found me in the woods.
It was late and Kim and Blake had finally gone to crash, but Tyler hadn’t shown the first sign that he was going anywhere. He was sitting in a chair next to me, his feet propped up next to mine on the bed, with his head back. His eyes were closed and he looked tired, but I knew without asking that he wasn’t going to go home. He was going to stay right there with me. I’d spent the last half hour trying to understand why he would even bother.
He didn’t answer for a second, and I wondered if he was trying to figure that out himself. Really, I’d never given him any reason to care about me as much as he did. Sure, we’d been friends for a while, but I couldn’t think of a single thing I’d done that would inspire the kind of loyalty Tyler had always shown me. If anything, I had done everything in my power to run him off. Yet, there he was. I wondered if he had any idea how much I cherished that loyalty.
“Scoot over,” he finally said, taking me by surprise. I did as he asked and he stretched out next to me and pulled me close, wrapping me up in his warmth. I snuggled against him and laid my head on his chest and he kissed my forehead before whispering, “I stay, beautiful, because there’s nowhere in this world I’d rather be than with you.”
I don’t know if it was what he said, or how he said it, but I found myself starting to feel again for the first time since he’d lifted me into his arms. When I started to sob silently against his chest, Tyler just held me closer and rocked me like a child. And I realized I loved him for it. I loved him for never pushing. I loved him for taking my shit and putting up with me anyway. I loved him for being my friend and being there even when he could have—and maybe should have—walked away.
Finally, though, I had to put some space between us. Being that close to him wasn’t a good idea. It made me want something I knew I couldn’t have.
“I’m right here, Em,” he said, not letting me retreat. “If you need something from me, take it.”
I’m ashamed to admit that I really had to think about it before I refused his offer to let me feed. The possibility alone had my mouth watering. It would have been so easy to take what he was offering. And he was offering, even knowing how close I had come to killing him the last time he’d been crazy enough to give me a taste. But it was the memory of that last time that held me back. I had already lost him once—and I still wasn’t sure I’d forgiven him for that. After losing Nathan, I wasn’t sure I could bear to lose Tyler again, too.
So as much as I wanted to feed, wanted to lose myself in the feel and taste of his essence, I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t take the chance of losing him again, and I wouldn’t take something from him knowing I had nothing to give him in return.
Because I loved him, I wouldn’t use him.
Not even to escape the pain of my broken heart.
Turning down that offer was literally painful. Hunger twisted my insides into a knot and I curled in on myself and wrapped my arms over my stomach with a soft moan. I held my breath so I wouldn’t breathe in anymore of his tempting scent. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see his shimmering aura. But they were still there with me, branded behind my closed eyelids and lingering on my tongue. The demon inside me roared with its need to feed, but I wouldn’t. Never again.
“Em,” Tyler murmured, holding me closer. “Em, it’s okay. You can—”
“No, Ty,” I whispered, turning away from the temptation he presented before I gave in. “I can’t.”
I thought he would press the issue, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled me back against him and pulled the quilt over us both, trapping his heat—and, unfortunately, the delectable scent of his essence—around us. As much as I wanted to push him away, I couldn’t. Instead, I just let him hold me. I used his heat and his closeness to ease the terrible pain I felt and spent the rest of the night fighting my demon.
On the fourth day after our break up, I mentally shoved Nathan into a tiny room in my mind and slammed the door on him, locking him away where he couldn’t hurt me anymore. Then, my grieving period over, I asked Tyler to go to Nathan’s and find me something to wear and got up and took a shower.
The hot water helped me think and by the time my shower started to run cold I had begun to form a plan. By the time I got out and started to dry off, I knew what I had to do. It was time to make some changes. I was a new me and I needed to embrace that. I needed a new look, new attitude, new everything. It might sound really girly and stupid, but the solution to my problem was clear.
It was time for a makeover.
Only, I was going to make over everything, from the inside out.
I was drying my hair when I caught the sight of my mark in the mirror again. Dropping my towel on the sink, I stepped closer to the mirror and reached up to trace the lines of the knot tattooed on my neck. I traced each individual curve, each line, becoming frustrated. There had to be a way to figure out where it began and ended, but I couldn’t seem to find it.
How could I have been so stupid? I had fallen in love with a myth and had actually been insane enough to believe that love was returned. I had accepted him
as he was, because I loved him enough to do that. I’d even forgiven him when he branded me with his damn mark. But the first time I really needed him, he had run for the hills. I had given my heart and soul and body to someone who had never really loved me.
“So what are you going to do about it?” My double in the mirror asked. “Let me guess. You’re going to mope some more? Maybe put on some emo-screamo music and become the undead version of Mrs. Haversham?”
It was the first time she’d talked to me since the morning Nathan had come home. Though I was kind of surprised by her reappearance, I didn’t feel the fear I’d felt in those first days as a darkling. She was a part of me, whether I liked it or not. I could fight it or embrace it.
And I was tired of fighting.
“That’s my girl,” she crooned with an evil smile. “I knew you’d come around eventually. Welcome to the dark side, sweetie pie.”
The dark side. Oddly enough, I liked the sound of that.
∞§∞§∞§∞
The new Ember made her debut a week later. Kim took the remodel of her best friend very seriously. It took her four days just to shop for my new wardrobe. She insisted on doing it alone, ordering me to stay home and rest. While Kim was shopping, Mrs. Val took it upon herself to take over my witchy education.
Kim’s family had hit the genetic jackpot. In her jeans and ribbed knit t-shirt, Mrs. Val looked more like Kim’s sister than her mom. They had the same dark hair, the same exotic-looking eyes, the same bone structure. But while Kim was beautiful, there was something…sultry about Mrs. Val that Kim didn’t have. I’d seen guys break out in a sweat just watching her walk past them.
“Good morning, honey,” she said brightly when I met her in the kitchen for our first lesson. She leaned over and looked behind me in an exaggerated kind of way and then arched her eyebrow at me. “Where’s your shadow?”
“Tyler went home to take a shower,” I told her, thankful once again that I couldn’t blush anymore. “So. What are we doing?”
“Well, we’re going to start with some basic exercises to refresh you,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “I thought we might talk for a bit first, though.”
I could literally feel myself shutting down as I followed her to the kitchen table. I knew what she wanted to talk about, and I really could have done without the heart to heart. Still, this was Kim’s mom, the woman who’d told me about sex and came to get me at school the day I started my period and took me to buy my first bra. She had been more of a mother to me than my own. If she thought we should talk, I would just have to suffer through it.
I took the chair she offered me and waited, my expression blank and my eyes straight ahead. Mrs. Val took the chair across from me and then just sat there, studying me. After a few minutes, she moved her coffee cup aside and reached over to take my hand.
“Don’t do that, Em,” she said softly.
“Don’t do what?” I asked, still staring at the flowered wallpaper over her shoulder.
“Don’t pretend with me. You’re hurting and I know it. You might have Kim fooled into believing you’re okay, but I know you, too. And unlike my daughter, I’ve never bought your acts.”
“Really, Mrs. Val, I’m—”
“Fine, I know,” she said, cutting me off. “But you’re not fine, Em. You just lost part of yourself. You forget, I know that pain better than anyone.”
“Oh?” I asked, arching an eyebrow at her. “You’re part demon, too?”
“I wasn’t talking about that, and you know it. I was talking about Nathan. You completed the soul mate bond, didn’t you, Em?”
We are two parts of the same whole. I am yours, and you are mine. Forever.
Turns out, forever wasn’t as long as I’d thought. Because while I was still his, and probably always would be, Nathan wasn’t mine. I wasn’t sure he ever had been. Not anymore.
“I’d rather not talk about this,” I told her, going back to staring at the wallpaper. “Nathan dumped me. I’m over it. Let’s move on.”
“Em—” she began, but I cut her off.
“Please, Mrs. Val?” I begged, still hearing those words echo in my ears like Nathan was right there whispering them to me. “Please? Don’t make me do this.”
I don’t know if it was the pleading or the fact that she knew from experience how much it hurt, having lost her own soul mate when Kim’s dad died, but she let me have my way. She could have kept pushing the issue until I was forced to shut myself off completely, but she didn’t.
“All right, honey,” she said with a forced smile, blinking away the tears on her lashes. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m here. You know that, right?”
I nodded and turned my hand over to squeeze hers in gratitude. She had always been there for me if I needed a Mom figure to talk to, but this wasn’t something she could help me with. This was something I had to learn to deal with on my own.
“Now, my little witch, I think we should get down to business,” she said, getting up to put her coffee mug in the dishwasher. “Today, I’m going to teach you how to keep yourself warm.”
“That’ll come in handy,” I quipped, starting to get kind of excited.
“Indeed,” she laughed. “Now, I need you to sit on the floor and ground yourself.
“In here?” I asked, giving the cold tiles a dubious look. “Why can’t we do it in the living room? You know, where it’s warm.”
“Because I’m thinking of having this floor replaced anyway,” she said as she gathered up a few candles before coming to join me. “That means if you let things get out of control, it’s not a major loss.”
Good point.
Doing as she’d asked, I sat on the floor and crossed my legs in the lotus position. Closing my eyes, I reached for that connection to the earth and my power. To my surprise, I didn’t have any trouble finding it. It was like it had just been there waiting for me. I felt it filling me with power and a sense of strength that I’d been lacking for so long. My skin tingled as it raced through my blood, warming me and making me lightheaded with the buzz I got from it.
“Good,” Mrs. Val said with a smile when I nodded to let her know I was ready. Placing three candles on each side of me, she sat down across from me and waved her hand at them. “Light ‘em up, Em. This charm is specifically designed for your element. We need to make sure you aren’t going to have any problems accessing it.”
I balked for a second, remembering the devastation I’d left behind in the woods. What if that happened again? Mrs. Val would be replacing more than her kitchen floor, that was for sure—if she was alive to replace anything at all.
“Think of something calming,” Mrs. Val said when I confessed my fears to her. “Close your eyes and find something that brings you peace. Then release your fears and find your center.”
Doing as I was instructed, I closed my eyes again and tried to find something peaceful in my chaotic life. It took me completely by surprise when Tyler’s face sprang up behind my eyes. As I focused on it, tracing the familiar lines of the image in my mind, I could feel the tension seeping out of my shoulders, could feel the fear ebbing away.
Without even thinking about it, I opened my eyes and let out a low breath. As I exhaled, the candles sprang to life around me. The flames were crazy high at first, but as I continued to breathe they slowly receded until they were the small flickers of light they were meant to be.
“Very good, honey,” Mrs. Val said, smiling at the glowing candles. “Now. I want you to really concentrate and let your element fill you. The trick is to keep it inside of you.”
“Rather than become a flaming torch?” I asked with a grin.
“Exactly,” she said with a nod and a laugh. “The Council tends to frown on such vivid displays of power. I believe the last witch that gave such a brilliant demonstration of power in public is still in the archives of the Council headquarters cataloguing relics as penance.”
Wow. Magical community service. “How long has she been the
re?”
“Twelve years, I believe,” Mrs. Val said with a shrug. “They have a lot of relics in that basement. But you have to be especially careful, Em. They won’t give you penance. They’ll make you disappear…permanently. Shea’s already having one hell of a time keeping them from taking you, sweetie. You don’t want to give them any reason to change their minds.”
I stared at her, too shocked to say anything. Was that why Grams had run off, leaving me with Nathan and Tyler? Had that critical vote been about me?
“Ember, you’re not concentrating!” Mrs. Val suddenly cried, backing away as the candle flames shot up like geysers again. I shook myself and focused my power again, pushing the Council and their plans to the back of my mind to be examined later.
“Sorry,” I muttered when the candles were barely flickering again.
“No problem,” Mrs. Val said, though she still looked a little shaken. “You’ve been bound. It was to be expected. Our power is like anything else; without practice we get rusty.”
Those words meant a whole lot more to me four hours later when Mrs. Val finally let me call it quits. Manifesting my element had been easy as pie, but controlling it was like harnessing the wind and making it blow only in the direction I wanted it to. In other words, it was hard as hell.
But I didn’t give up. Every time I screwed up, I became that much more determined to get it right. By the time Mrs. Val let me go, I could not only summon my element, I could control it so effortlessly that it felt like I’d been doing it my whole life.
“You did amazingly well, Em,” Mrs. Val said with a proud smile when I’d managed to do the charm flawlessly ten times in a row. I grinned when I saw the way she pointedly kept her eyes away from the scorch marks on the floor. “You should go change and take your shot. I’m supposed to have you at the salon in an hour. My daughter’s orders.”
