by S. L. Naeole
“Who can genuinely feel sorry for her when her own actions bring about her problems? Like today, for example: She was expecting you to go after her, and you did, but you didn’t attack her in the same manner that she did to you, and because it wasn’t so blatant, so obvious to her, she couldn’t quite see that everyone else noticed and felt only that justice had been served.
“The suspension would have just been icing on the cake for her. You did her a great disservice by telling Mr. Danielson to not punish her without punishing you as well. If, for whatever reason, he decides that both of you should be reprimanded, it’ll only make her that much more angry, because you’ll be the one who was wrongly disciplined in the eyes of the student body, and that’s the last thing she wants. You can’t be the victim anymore if she’s going to be.”
Oh how good that almost sounded. How good it sounded to not be a victim, not be a freak, not be anything else and just be Grace. How strange, and wonderful, and confusing, and fantastic. But I could also see how pathetic it was, to finally be the envy of someone and have it not be because of something I had achieved, but rather because of circumstances beyond my control. “She can’t share anything, can she? Not even a role that no one really ever wants.”
Robert sighed again. “Whether she can’t or won’t doesn’t matter; she’s already a victim.”
I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. “Yeah. Of herself.”
SHIFT
The auditorium was completely empty by the time Graham returned. A janitor had already asked Robert and I to leave twice, but I had promised Graham that I would stay until he came back, and with my uncertainty about where exactly our relationship stood after the soliloquies, I did not want to take any chance at weakening what little I might have left in way of a friendship with him. Losing his friendship, even for that short blip of time, had altered my world in ways that I did not want to relive.
Robert was still holding my hand, squeezing it reassuringly whenever my mind would run through some thoughts that were painful or foolishly self-deprecating. We had not spoken once since the realization had hit me that Erica had become a victim of her own machinations. He could still hear my thoughts, but didn’t try to force me to hear his. The awaited intrusion by Stacy or Lark never materialized, and I was as yet still so unsure of so many things that just sitting here together was enough.
“Grace.”
Graham squatted in front of me, his face unmistakably upset. “Grace, I want you to know that I did not know about any of this. What Erica did, what she tried to do to you…we’re done, Grace. It’s over between Erica and me. God, I didn’t know. I swear to you, I did not know…”
“Of course you didn’t know, Graham. I didn’t think that you did.” I tried my best to reassure him, removing my hand from Robert’s and placing it on his. “You couldn’t have known just how much she hated me.”
Shaking his head, he turned his hand over and gripped mine with fierce fingers. “I should have known. I should have realized when she was pleased that you and I were friends again that something was up. She was so insistent that I end my friendship with you this summer—I stalled for as long as I could—and when I did, she was so happy, I didn’t think about what it would mean…”
I looked at my friend. His heart was broken, his trust had been shattered, and his world had been turned upside down. If anyone understood what he felt, it was certainly me. “Graham, I’m sorry-”
Graham’s shouting silenced me. “Would you stop trying to apologize, Grace? I’m the one who screwed up and brought her into our lives. If I could go back and do it over again, do it differently, I would; I didn’t know she’d go all Fatal Attraction on us!”
I smirked. “I’ll be sure to warn the neighborhood rabbits.”
He didn’t seem amused.
“Graham, I’m not worried about Erica anymore. I’m only worried about how you’re feeling.” I wriggled my fingers free from his tight grip, the blood rushing to them all at once, and placed them, tingling and numb all at the same time, on the side of his face. “I didn’t want any of this to hurt you.”
Robert stood up suddenly, his face a mixture of so many emotions I could only pick out the anger in his steel eyes and the sadness in the downturn of his mouth. “Grace, let’s get you home. I’m sure Janice and your father are wondering how things went today.”
I removed my hand from Graham’s face, the tone of Robert’s voice, and the sorrow and guilt in Graham’s eyes both pulling at something inside of me that I didn’t even know existed. I looked at Robert’s awaiting hand and reached for it. He pulled me up quickly, effortlessly. “My crutches-”
Graham handed them to me, apparently having grabbed them the minute I had removed my hand from his face. I allowed him to place them under my arms, and heard him sigh sadly as he stepped away. “She wants him, you know.”
My eyes jerked up. “What?”
He flicked his eyes over to Robert’s face, as though expecting some sign of acknowledgement to his statement. “She told me so after I said we were through. She said she didn’t care if we were over because she and Robert were meant for each other.”
I felt a bubble of laughter climb its way up my throat. It burst out and echoed around the auditorium, proof of my incredulity and faith all at once. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you, Graham, please believe me. I’m laughing at her saying she and Robert were meant for each other.”
Robert’s face was a veritable rock, while Graham’s was a composite of confusion, anger, pain, and humor.
“Grace, let’s go.” Robert tugged at my hand.
“How are you going to get her home?” Graham asked, his arms now folded across his chest, his face wiped clean of everything except a hint of arrogance. “Her Dad dropped the two of you off from what I heard.”
I was beginning to wonder that myself, as I waited for Robert to answer. His motioned his head towards the door of the auditorium, and I heard Graham groan. I didn’t even have to turn my head to know who could elicit such a reaction from him.
“I’ve got practice in thirty minutes so you two had better hurry up,” Stacy yelled before heading out the door, the end of her ponytail the last thing I saw as she disappeared from view.
I looked into Robert’s eyes. Still steel—cold, unmoving. I didn’t like that. “When did you arrange for Stacy to take us home?”
“Yesterday. She was the one who suggested I come with you this morning.”
I couldn’t stop the amused smile that turned the corners of my mouth upwards from appearing. Someone was either playing matchmaker or…she was really trying to get on Graham’s nerves. Either way, I had a lot to be thankful for when it came to Stacy, my sudden friend.
“Will you be coming to the house, too?” I turned to ask Graham. He seemed to struggle with an answer before finally nodding in the affirmative. “Good. I’ll see you there then.” He walked away, the weight of all that he’d learned today making him appear shorter to me for some reason.
Once he was gone, I hobbled towards the steps that led off the stage; since no one other than Robert was watching anymore, I simply walked down, too tired and annoyed to keep up the charade of using the crutches. The fact that after an entire day of using them, my body had become used to the step-pull-swing rhythm had escaped me until I realized that I had a little strut going on.
“That’s actually quite cute.”
I glared at Robert, annoyed that he was as aware of my movement as he was of my mind at that moment. “Care to explain to me why you were so rude just a little while ago?” I could still see the anger that hardened his eyes, preventing that small joy I would get from seeing the liquid shimmer enter into my vision.
“Not really.”
“Not really? What do you mean, ‘not really’?” We walked side by side, my crutches dragging on the ground as I stared at him, not amused at all by his response.
“I mean not really. Right now, let’s leave it at that, okay Gee?”
&nbs
p; I stopped walking. “Uh-uh. I want to know why you acted the way you did around Graham. I know it wasn’t because of anything that I was thinking, so it must have been because he thought something that you didn’t like. So what was it? Did he call you a name? Was he lying about being sorry? What?”
Robert continued to walk away but his voice never left my side…erm, head. If you’re not in the car in two minutes, Stacy will leave you here.
How beyond rude could one get? Changing the subject in my mind? Ugh, I had to admit that he had a point. Realizing that I had come to the end of my freedom from crutchless motion, I reverted back to the step-pull-swing repetition I had perfected throughout the day and managed to get to the front of the school before Stacy decided that I simply wasn’t worth taking home anymore.
Stacy’s car was a cute little thing with a front end that looked as though it were smiling at you. “It’s a Neon.” She proclaimed proudly as I approached, my face obviously screaming “what is it”.
“My oldest brother’s old car. He bought himself one of those cutesy little hybrids last year and gave this to me when I turned seventeen. Isn’t she cute? I call her Lola.”
“Lola? Why?” The voice came from inside of the vehicle.
“Because she looks like a Lola.” Stacy stepped aside, and I gasped at the passenger in the front seat.
“Um. Hi-Lark.”
Lark smiled, although her pale gray eyes—though blind and sightless—were focused elsewhere. I turned my head and allowed my eyes to follow her gaze and saw Graham getting into his Buick.
He seems to have weathered this storm quite well.
I shook my head, not out of disagreement, but simply at the sound of her melodic voice filling my head without ever uttering a word. Though I should have been used to it, it was still strange. My mind kept telling me that lips should be moving, eyes focused on me, in order for conversations to be had.
You’ll get used to it.
I certainly hoped that there’d be cause to as I watched Robert open the rear passenger door for me. The creases on his face and the angry hardness in his eyes had eased a bit, but for all of that, he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, and I prayed that I certainly did have the time and reason to get used to it.
***
Stacy dropped us off in front of my house, her hands jittery with nervousness as she realized how late she was, and knowing how angry her father was going to be. “I cannot be late anymore. I’m a teacher now! He’s so going to whoop my butt when I get there!”
With completely unnatural—well, unnatural for a normal person—quickness, Robert had me out of the backseat of Stacy’s Neon and standing in my driveway. Whatever that must have looked like to Stacy, she said nothing except an almost indistinguishable exclamation of farewell and then signed it with the peeling sound of tires against asphalt.
Lark had been the first one out, almost before the car had even stopped moving. She now stood with her hand on the seat of Robert’s motorcycle which was still parked behind Janice’s little SUV; her face was holding a smirk of amusement on it that would have looked absolutely unnatural on anyone else other than her.
“She’s going to break about eighty-three traffic laws in order to get to practice, only to find out it’s been cancelled. That’s going to be amusing to see. I think I’ll watch.”
I looked at her, confused. “Watch? How are you going to do that?”
Her smirk grew into a full blown smile. “Well, I could go there, of course, and simply stand outside and watch it all unfold. But I think I’ll just view it from her eyes and the eyes of her brother who cancelled the practice so he could catch some one-on-one time with his new girlfriend.”
My jaw popped open in shock. “You can do that?”
She turned her head to face me. The eerie look in her pale eyes caused a shiver to run up and down my spine. I didn’t necessarily like it when she did that, knowing that she could actually see me, just through someone else’s eyes.
“I told you that my ability isn’t limited by distance. Besides, she’s funny. I like the thoughts that run through her head. I’m surprised Robert hasn’t shared some of them with you.”
I didn’t need to say that Robert wouldn’t have shared that kind of information with me. She could hear both of our thoughts on the subject quite clearly. It made her smirk again.
“How odd. Usually, he’s all about the showing off. I’m amazed he hasn’t said anything. This is a first. So many firsts today. How amusing.”
I looked up at Robert, who had remained silent throughout the entire exchange. The slight crinkle in the corner of his eyes belied the dour expression elsewhere on his face.
“Well,” I said in a rather annoyed tone. “Since I’m obviously out of the loop, I think I’ll take myself inside.” I placed the crutches underneath my arms, back to pretending again, and headed towards the front door.
Robert kept pace with me, the amusement spreading from his eyes to the mouth. By the time we reached the porch, he looked ready to burst out with laughter, his beautiful eyes liquid again. It was annoying. It was amazing.
“I won’t ask what’s so funny; I probably wouldn’t get the joke anyway. I just want to thank you for being there for me today, Robert. It…meant a great deal to me.” I reached for the doorknob and turned it, pushing the door wide open as I entered the house.
Janice had apparently been listening for the door. She came out of the kitchen with a dish towel in her hands, an anxious look on her face. “So, how was the first day back?”
“She did very well.”
I looked behind me at the voice who had answered before I had a chance to. Robert was closing the door behind the two of us. “Don’t you have to take Lark home?” I asked, the annoyance edging out anything else I might have been feeling.
Robert shook his head. “She’s got a ride.”
“With who?” My lips were pulled in an aggravated purse.
“With a friend.” Leave it alone, Grace.
Comprehension finally kicked into gear and I nodded. “Oh. Ok.” I smiled, the act forced due to my sheepishness.
“So how did the soliloquy go?” Janice asked, sitting down on the sofa, her eyes soft with concern, sensing that not everything went well.
I maneuvered my way to the recliner and sat down, placing the crutches next to me. I looked up to see that Robert was standing next to the recliner, his hand placed protectively on my shoulder. “It went as well as could be expected,” I answered her.
I could tell by the look on Janice’s face that my half-hearted answer wasn’t going to cut it in the convincement department. “What I mean is that I didn’t pass out or anything and I didn’t turn into a ball of nerves while onstage. In fact, I did pretty well, all things considering…”
Janice cocked one eyebrow up, that last line dragging her curiosity out. “All things considering what?”
“All things considering the fact that she hadn’t had time to prepare onstage like the rest of us.” Robert’s interjected answer seemed to please Janice, who I knew had been given explicit orders to retrieve as much information as possible from me by Dad. Strike while the iron is hot, he’d say. This iron was ice cold.
Wiping her hands on the towel again, Janice stood up. “Well, okay then. If you’re still in one piece, and Robert’s here to keep you company until James gets back, I think I’ll go and finish up on dinner. I’m making meatloaf if you’re interested in staying, Robert.”
All of my annoyance had vanished as soon as Robert had saved me from having to discuss the gory details of this afternoon, and now looking into his divine face, I didn’t want anything else but for him to stay. For dinner. For dessert. Forever.
“If you don’t mind having another mouth to feed this evening, I’d love to,” he smiled. Janice, much like every other woman who had ever come into contact with him, seemed an inch away from swooning. Swooning? Did women in the twenty-first century do that anymore? If they didn’t, Jan
ice was about to start a new trend.
“Well. Hmm. I don’t mind at all. Okay.” Janice’s lack of anything else to say seemed to confuse her as much as it did me, but the semi-bored look on Robert’s face spoke volumes. He was used to it, the addled minds of women who came in contact with the aura of his divinity…his charm.
Annoyance flooded right back into me as I realized that this wasn’t the first time that a female authority figure had behaved this way around him. How many mothers, step-mothers…grandmothers of the girls he’d dated in his long life had reacted in this exact same manner, even when propriety demanded exactly the opposite? I shook the thought out of my head. It wasn’t right of me to expect anything of someone who’d been around far longer than some countries have existed.
I burst out laughing at the absurdity of that thought. That ridiculousness of it all was simply too much! I covered my mouth quickly, my self-consciousness kicking into gear, and looked around at my audience.
Fortunately, Janice had already retreated back to the kitchen, so all I was left with was the steely eyed stare of my angel. “You have to admit, that’s pretty funny.”
He shrugged. “I think the absurdity lies in your inability to realize that the reactions of everyone else bore me, and that your reactions are the only ones that interest me.”
Remembering Lark’s amusement at my treatment of her brother, I couldn’t help but smile. “You don’t take rejection well.”
“I’ve never had to deal with it before. Lark was right. It’s completely detestable. I’ll have to remember to not do anything to make you reject me again.” He sat in the spot that Janice had vacated, placing his hand on my casted knee, and searched my face. “Are you ready to talk about it? About what happened that night? Your head is full of so many questions, and I want to answer them, all of them if I can.”
