by S. L. Naeole
I raised my head again so I could see his face, look into his eyes as I continued, “I know now—I know that he’s supposed to be in my life, but as nothing more than my friend. I love him. I never stopped loving him, even when he broke my heart, but if he hadn’t, I think I’d still be sitting at home, pining after him while he continued to date Erica behind my back.”
Robert’s face, which had seemed so pained just a few minutes ago, now bore a smug smile. He shifted his weight, rolling the two of us over so that we were both on our sides facing each other. I think that you and I would have still ended up right here. He lifted his hand to brush a strand of my hair behind my ear, his smile turning sweet. Either way, I’m glad that Graham was too blind to see what it was that he was giving up by choosing Erica. If not, I wouldn’t be able to do this-
I held my breath, and refused to blink; he placed his hand on the bed to brace himself as he leaned towards me. Slowly, carefully, his lips—soft, warm, and perfect—found their way to mine. I want to say that it was magical, that I saw rainbows and fairy dust or something fantastic like that, but I couldn’t. It was more. Much more.
It was as though the world has fallen down around us, and everything was frozen in ice. But I wasn’t cold. I was blazing hot, the fire starting where our lips joined, where angel met mortal, and I could feel the flames flickering out towards the limbs that I was fighting with desperately to keep still, not wanting them to latch onto him, not wanting to seem out of control because at that moment, I would have given anything to be just that.
His lips weren’t insistent. They weren’t demanding and they weren’t anything but soft and gentle. I pulled away then, because God help me if they ever chose to be. And, also, because I needed to breathe. I knew that the dizziness I felt wasn’t for lack of oxygen, but rather because something had changed between us, as though finally admitting how I felt had made me more attuned to him in some way. Breathing was simply a distraction.
Robert laughed softly at my thoughts, but I could see by the way he was breathing that I wasn’t the only one who had been affected. His chest was rising and falling quite rapidly, as though he had been breathless, too. You think breathing is a distraction?
“I think you’re a distraction,” I responded, trying to remember that breathing in meant I had to breathe out as well. “Breathing is…difficult at the moment.”
He brushed the side of my face with the back of his hand, rounding the curve of my cheek slowly, stopping to touch my lips with his fingertips. Breathing is a necessity for you humans, and if kissing you causes you to have difficulties, I might have to refrain from doing it again.
I gasped at his thought. “It’s not that difficult!”
The soft laughter that filled my room plus the hand that was still finding its way around my face, as if to map out each and every angle and curve did wonders to distract me; when he leaned in and formed his lips to mine once more, I was completely taken aback. This time, there was no preparation, no time to tell my body what to do. My hands flew to his neck, to his face, greedy for the feel of his skin, the texture of his hair, the cut of his clothes. I never understood why authors used the word “pawing” to describe the way hands would touch a body during intimate scenes until my hands were doing just that. It felt almost primal, the way I was reacting, and had I been anywhere else, I might have even growled. But I wasn’t anywhere else. I was in my bedroom, on my bed, with Robert, and the door to my bedroom was slowly opening.
I braced myself for the onslaught of yelling that I knew would soon be filling the house again. Instead, I felt my face fall onto the comforter of my bed, my muffled voice covering my surprise at the warm yet empty void on my bed.
“Grace? Are you okay?” Janice called out softly. “I heard some noises in here. I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“Mmm-hmm.” I mumbled, turning my head towards her just enough so that I could see the door out of the corner of a now exposed eye; I was hoping that there was nothing else for her to see other than me on my bed. Alone.
“Okay. I was just checking. You go back to bed. Good-night.”
“Mmmm-mihhh.”
I watched as she walked out, pulling the door closed behind her. As soon as I heard it click shut, I was up, looking for the familiar glow. Instead, I felt a tickling sensation near my feet. I looked down, but in the darkness I couldn’t see anything. I knelt on the ground and looked under my bed but saw nothing. I stood up and looked at the window. It hadn’t been opened any further, and I wasn’t sure if he could mist that quickly, so with no other option left, I headed towards the closet. Slowly, I opened the door. “Robert?” I hissed.
Why are you looking in your closet?
I whipped around, my arms flailing around instinctually to lash out at the voice, and crashed into an angel shaped wall. “I’ve done this before,” I muttered, mostly to myself between gasps.
The wall began to shake with quiet laughter as it wrapped itself around me and carried me back to my bed. “You laugh at me now. I was very embarrassed that first day.”
I was intrigued.
Of course he was intrigued. I was different. Different can be interesting, but how long until different just becomes boring?
Robert smiled as he lowered me onto the comforter. I don’t know if I’ll ever get bored with you. I’m not sure if I can. He lay down next to me, the two of us resuming our previous positions of lying on our sides and facing each other. You’ve made me feel things that I’ve never felt in all of my existence. I don’t know how that is possible, but it is true nonetheless. But Grace, I want you to understand something. What you said to me, about loving me…I don’t want you to say it to me again. It isn’t because I don’t want to hear it, but rather because I don’t want you to say it without me being able to say it in return.
My hand went to his mouth, as if it were pulled there, and began to trace the curve of his bottom lip. I stared at it, mesmerized as I tried to reason with him. “Robert, I don’t expect anything from you. I’ve already been told once that I expect too much from people, and I finally admit that is true. I expected way too much from Graham, from Dad, even from my Mom. And, I mean my goodness, how easy it would be to expect the world from you! But I can’t. I won’t. I won’t ruin it by wanting anything more than what you have to offer me. This—this right here is more than I could have ever hoped for, and I’m going to relish this moment no matter what happens tomorrow.”
When he kissed my finger, I closed my eyes. It was such a simple gesture, yet it was enough to warm my skin and send shockwaves down my arm. I opened my eyes when he started to share his thoughts again. Grace, you sound like you’re settling for what I can give you, rather than what you deserve.
My fingers pressed against his lips, as though to silence his thoughts so that I could speak again. “I’m not settling. How can simply loving you and, knowing that for me that is enough be settling? I can’t think of having done anything that would warrant me deserving you, so how can feeling this way about you be settling? ”
Robert sighed and reached for me. He pulled me close to him, my face pressed up against his neck, my arms locked against his chest. He rested his chin on my head and started reciting something. I listened carefully, the words sounding so familiar…
And here, in thought, to thee—in thought that can alone. Ascend thy empire and so be a partner of thy throne. By winged fantasy, my embassy is given, till secrecy shall knowledge be in the environs of Heaven.
I felt the slow tugs of slumber creep on me as I replayed the words over and over in my head. Before I succumbed to the sweet lull of his voice, I made one last request. “Stay.”
I was asleep before he could answer, but in my dreams I heard him reply forever.
GROUND RULES
The alarm was going off again. I don’t know why I never turn that thing off. It’s not as though this was the first time. Waking up at such an early hour on Sunday was just unforgiveable in the slacker’s handbook. I groan
ed and tried to sit up to attack the heinous buzzing contraption, but a weight against my waist kept me still. I turned my head and met the full impact of two liquid silver eyes.
Good morning, sleepy head.
I never could grasp just how a morning could truly be good—well, good enough to greet anyway—until just then, when I knew that last night hadn’t been a dream, and that he had listened. He had stayed. “Robert!” I whispered gleefully. I reached for him, but again, the weight on my waist held me down. I glanced down to see what it was and observed that it was his arm. “And I thought I was the one who had asked you to stay,” I teased, my hand finding his on the side of my waist, lacing our fingers together.
You toss and turn a lot in your sleep, your dreams are so vivid and…violent. I was afraid you’d kick me out of the bed and then wake up and get mad at me for not staying. He smiled, and I knew that there had never been a more beautiful thing to wake up to than that smile, even if he was teasing me.
I giggled and then sighed when he leaned in and placed a soft kiss against the corner of my mouth. Come on, sleeping beauty, it’s time to get up. Your father will be ready to tear my head off in about half an hour before taking you to the hospital, and I have to make sure that I’m presentable. He listened to my silent question and grinned. He’ll want to know why I’m still in my tux, and I can’t tell him it’s because I spent the night in your room.
Grasping onto the seriousness of the situation, I sighed again. “Well, I guess you’d better let me get up then so I can get ready.” His arm lifted and I sat up, the loss of the weight making me feel suddenly bereft. I climbed to the foot of the bed and reached over, slamming my hand against the droning buzz coming from the alarm and basked in the resulting silence. Feeling the need for urgency, I ransacked my drawers for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. My first pair of jeans in weeks! The amount of satisfaction in that thought was immeasurable; at that moment, I didn’t care if Dad grounded me for a month!
Clutching my clothes to my chest, I looked over at Robert, who was lying on my bed, one arm propping up his head, his other arm lazily toying with my comforter and I silently thanked Janice for seeing a need there and changing it. “I’m going to change in the bathroom.”
He smiled, already knowing that was my plan. My head was clearer to him now. He could see beyond the fog and the void that my cluttered mind portrayed. And, I could feel him in there, too. How odd.
I wanted to know what that meant, but I needed to change and brush my teeth first. The idea of waking up with him in my bed and scaring him away with dragon breath was enough to get me moving at a pace that would rival his own. It was when I had closed the bathroom door and stared in the mirror that I could hear his laughing in my head.
I ignored it as I quickly changed my clothes, being very careful to avoid the mirror just in case he chose to not be so gentlemanly and take a peek. That was going to be difficult now that I had made myself aware of it, this whole privacy thing. I knew that if I made him promise to never do that, he’d be tied to it, but I had to admit to the small, minute, microscopic part of me that almost didn’t want to. Almost.
I brushed my teeth. Twice. And I headed towards my room, crashing into Dad in the process. “Um. Morning Dad.”
His eyes were still glazed over from sleep, and his hair looked as though he’d fallen asleep under one of those vacuum hair-cutting deals, but he was still shrewd enough to give me a once over, as though he knew something else was different about me. I was too cheerful this morning, I told myself. That’s what it was.
“Morning, Grace,” he replied gruffly. “I’m going to call the hospital and see if we can get your arm x-rayed early, so I suggest you get dressed and ready to leave by eight.”
“But I-”
He held up his hand, “No buts, Grace. I’m going to get your arm back in that cast. I saw those x-rays, and there’s no way that your arm would have healed this fast. Now go and get dressed.”
“Dad, I’m already dressed,” I pointed out.
Blinking a few times to clear his foggy vision, he finally noticed my jeans and t-shirt. Unfortunately, he also noticed that my jean clad right leg was conspicuously cast free. “Where’s your cast?” he asked, his voice calm but hinting at the anger that was threatening just beneath the surface.
“My leg is fine Dad—there’s no need for the cast-”
It was as if I had learned nothing from the night before. The puce shade was back, but when combined with his helter-skelter hair, and his glassy eyes, he looked terrifying. I backed away, fearful of him for the first time.
“Grace, I want you to get in your room, I want you to call Robert, and I want you to tell him to meet us here in thirty minutes. Is that clear?”
I nodded, and inched my way around him, quickly opening my bedroom door and shutting it, bracing myself against it. As soon as the sound of the latch could be heard, Robert had me in his arms, my face pressed against his shoulder, his hands at the small of my back and the back of my head, warm and comforting.
“Oh, I’ve made a mess of things,” I groaned. “I’ve never seen him that angry before. What is he going to do?”
Robert’s movements were a blur of speed as I was sitting in his lap on the bed before I had even gotten to the word “angry”. He stroked my hair, his hands reassuring. He’ll yell at me, accuse me of not caring for your welfare after all the trust he’s put in me, threaten me with bodily harm if I ever set foot near you again…the usual things a father says when he loves his daughter.
The groaning didn’t seem to cease. “He’s completely overacting. I’m so sorry about all of this.”
A finger beneath my chin forced my face to look up, and a soft smile urged me to relax. You have nothing to be sorry about. If you had to spend all night in those things, you’d have had a much worse night than it was. I’ll deal with this. Don’t worry, Grace. It’ll work out.
I shook my head. How was this going to work out? How was he going to convince my father that it was perfectly sane and safe for him to have removed my casts without telling him how or why? And even if he did, what were the odds that Dad would believe him? It wasn’t looking to good on this end.
A knock on my door jolted us apart, and when my door opened before I had a chance to answer whoever it was on the other side, Robert had disappeared and Janice was walking in. “I just wanted to see that you were okay. See if I can’t try and get James to see it a bit from your side.”
She sat down next to me, oblivious to the remnant of gray mist creeping out of my window, and placed her hands on mine, squeezing them and sighing, “How was your date? Did you have fun?”
“Yes, for the most part,” I replied, once again unable to do anything but be honest.
Janice’s face was full of happiness, and I knew that she would be understanding about the casts. “Will you really talk to Dad about my casts? He doesn’t want to see that I really am fine without them.”
She lifted her hands from mine and reached for my arm. She examined the length, looked at my elbow, watched my face as she bent and straightened my arm. She made me flex my fingers, flex my arm, make a fist. She was school nurse Janice and I was patient Grace, being given the once over to see if I could go back outside and play.
“I think your arm is perfectly fine, Grace. I don’t know how. From what your father told me, it was a clean break, and that should take at least six weeks to heal, never mind the dislocated shoulder. And then we have your leg. I saw you walk to the bathroom this morning, and there’s no way that you should be able to walk if your leg were truly as bad as it was made out to be. I don’t know how or why, and right now, I don’t want to. I’ll tell your dad what I think, and after that, it’s in the doctor’s hands. I can only hope that Robert can somehow convince your father not to kill him.”
I burst out into hysterical giggles as I thought about how my hand had looked after my playful jab at Lark. I didn’t want to imagine what Dad would look like if he intentionally hit Robe
rt. Janice’s face was reproachful at my fit of laughter, and I attempted to stem it, not wanting to lose her confidence in my side. I quickly tucked my lips between my teeth and pressed down hard, the pain and the resulting tears doing much to sober me up to the gravity of the situation.
When Janice stood up and left, I looked at the clock and saw that there was exactly ten minutes left before Robert would be standing on the doorstep, ringing that bell. He hadn’t told me he’d be there in thirty minutes, but I knew that he’d heard Dad’s orders and wouldn’t do anything to cause me to get into any more trouble. I looked at the sunlight shining through my window, and saw the glint of amber reflected against the wall; I followed the reflection to its source. It was one of the crystals from the dress; it had apparently fallen off after I had removed the dress and dropped it in Robert’s lap. I bent down to retrieve it and held it up into the light.
The colors that sparkled from within it reminded me of fire and gold all at once, bouncing out onto the walls, sending shards of light and flash into every corner. I twisted my hand, causing the crystal’s ocher rainbow to move along the white walls, as though splashing it with the colors of the sunrise and sunset that you couldn’t see without staring directly at the sun.
My gaze was drawn to the center of the crystal; my vision entranced by the sweet hum of the soft colors that swayed and bent in the light. Their hypnotic dance lulled me into such a state of repose; I could see flames leaping and dancing around a familiar woman holding tightly to a child. I could see the woman’s tears, and I could see the abject fear on her face as the flames grew higher and hungrier, their tongues reaching towards them, smelling the sweetness of apprehension.
She turned to me and she reached her hand out, her dark eyes filled with hope, as though I were her salvation. I felt my arm rise, felt it reach out towards her, but she was too far away. I saw the way her eyes glossed over with unshed tears as the fire surrounded her, cutting off all means of escape, and I watched as the flames consumed her. I could not close my eyes until hers blinked in the recognition of death, and the darkness that was there was replaced by amber gold.
