At one point, I left them working while I went to the grocery store and bought all the necessary stuff: milk, bread, eggs, rice, pasta, red sauce, ice cream, soap, shampoo, and more. I also bought plastic cups, cutlery, and plates. Tomorrow, I would go shopping for real cups, cutlery, and plates, and for pans and all the little gadgets that made life easier. I had no idea what I would do with all these things after I moved back to the dorm, but right now, I didn’t care. I just wanted to enjoy my first time living by myself. Really by myself. No parents or roommates.
For dinner, Lauren and Iris came over and brought some takeout. Now we were just missing Gabi—we even called her to say hi and she yelled at us, telling us she hated us for getting together without her. Then she laughed.
The girls and I ate while they all helped me unpack my things. They didn’t know where I wanted my stuff, but the fact that my clothes were out of the boxes and suitcases and neatly folded on my bed made things much easier.
“Excited?” Hannah asked, munching on her pasta with the help of the plastic fork.
“I am,” I said.
I felt a mix of excitement and nervousness. I was finally by myself. I was finally doing something by myself. Sure, going to college in L.A. was more than anyone expected of me at this point, but I knew I could control the situation there—somewhat. I just had to avoid everything. Go to classes, go back to the dorm. Period. And spend most of my weekends in Santa Barbara at my parents’ house.
Here, though, in this apartment, with this paid internship, I could finally feel like I was working toward my independence, toward my freedom—from my parents, from myself, from my past. Times like this, I really thought I would make it. Someday, I was going to heal and I would lead a normal, healthy life.
I hoped.
Chapter Seven
“Here is where the magic happens,” Fallon said, opening one of the doors at the long corridor.
I gasped in surprise.
Her entire studio had been all white and elegant so far with gray or silver details. Because of that, and the fact that I had seen Fallon and Sonya in white and gray, I had chosen a gray pencil skirt, a white button-down shirt, and dark gray pumps for my first day.
This room though, the real studio of her studio, was an explosion of colors. Large, rectangular tables took over the center of the room, fabrics of all colors and textures spread over them. On one side of the tables stood three mannequins, and on the other side, there was a computer with a big screen. The walls were lined with more fabrics in neat order, like a giant box of crayons, shelves with several jars of buttons, zippers, and other knickknacks that could be used as details or accessories, and a large, magnetic white board with several written notes and pinned drawings.
Two women and one man worked in four of the seven stations.
“Come meet my team.” Fallon beckoned me to follow her. “Guys, say hi to the newest member of our team.” The fact that she didn’t say the new intern didn’t escape me, and I was excited about that. As they walked toward us, Fallon pointed at me. “This is Hilary Taylor. She just finished the second semester of fashion design at an art school in Los Angeles. She’ll be here with us this summer.”
“Hello,” I said, a little intimidated. These people worked with Fallon, which meant they were probably very good at what they did.
“This is Christine.” Fallon gestured to a petite woman in her thirties with strawberry blond hair to her shoulders streaked lime green. In my mind, the two colors didn’t really go together, but with her pink lips and bright green eyes, she made it work. Christine waved at me. “This is Margot.” Fallon introduced me to a black woman, also in her thirties, with long, curly, gorgeous black hair. Her smile was warm and it made her dark brown eyes shine. “And this is Karl.” Fallon showed me the only male of the team. As I suspected, he was gay. He was tall and slender, and his brown hair was cut short on the sides, and styled to the right on top. He had about six or seven piercings in his ears, and tattoos running up his arms until they were hidden by his rolled up sleeves. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he was gay or his easy grin, but I didn’t feel any panic while near him.
They all said hello and asked me how I was doing and how I liked school so far, and other normal questions for when you just meet someone for the first time.
“We don’t have a hierarchy here,” Fallon said, stirring me to one of the empty stations. “I assign projects as they come and won’t breathe down your neck while you’re working, although I do expect updates here and there.” She gestured to the large wooden table in front of me. “This is your workplace.”
I ran my hands on the smooth top, as if I could sense the magic we would make together. “This is great. I mean, not just the table, but everything in here.”
She smiled at me. “This is not just my workplace. This is my life. I try to keep a friendly, fun atmosphere in here. I won’t allow drama or downers. You’re warned.”
“Understood,” I said, nodding.
“Let me show you some of the projects we are working on right now.” She beckoned me to follow her.
We walked around the room, and she pointed to models and drawings explaining each one to me. Right now, she was getting ready for three big fashion shows, working on a few dresses for Hollywood actresses for their movie premiere or awards events, seven dresses for women with big names—aka heavy wallet— a couple of others that she called small orders like local weddings and other events. She also had a yearly fashion line. She designed several pieces, produced one of each, and sold them here in her studio. According to her, a big, luxury department store was trying to sign a line with her, but she didn’t like the idea of having several of the same dresses out there.
“Your first week’s task will be to walk around us like a ghost and take in everything you can,” she said as we made our way back to my station. “Ask many questions, and even make suggestions if you have any. We are here to help you learn and grown, and vice versa.”
“And the second week?”
Her smile stretched wide. “Then I’ll assign you your own project.”
My jaw dropped and my heart beat faster, but it wasn’t from fear, but out of joy, eagerness. Oh my gosh! This was so exciting!
“That’s … great,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound too silly.
Smiling, Fallon checked her wristwatch. “Time for an important meeting.” She beckoned me to follow her. “Come with me and learn.”
***
I was packing up after an exciting first day when Christine, Margot, and Karl approached my table.
“So,” Karl started. “On Thursdays, we usually go to a bar and have a happy hour kind of thing. But today seemed like a good day to have an extra happy hour, you know, being your first day.”
I looked to them, meeting their eyes, trying to make sure of what they were saying. “You’re inviting me to go to a bar with you guys?”
Karl shrugged, but Margot smiled and answered for him. “Yes. It’s actually a restaurant with a nice bar area. It would be nice to get to know you without all the formality of this place.”
I glanced around. They thought this place was formal? Gosh, I wished I could take them to a real law or accounting office. Then they would see formal.
“What do you say?” Christine asked, popping her gum. “Are you coming or not?”
Go to a bar with three strangers. A bar, where men went to get drunk and pick up girls. With three strangers.
I opened my mouth to say no, but snapped it shut again. Today had been a good day, and I could close it with a golden key—if all went well.
I had just started going out to dinners with the girls about a year ago. I had gone to a bar three times in the last six months, and I had left early—twice on the edge of a panic attack. I had gone to maybe seven or eight private parties in a house that belonged to someone I knew—going to Hannah’s house for girls’ night in and the guys’ place for a get-together didn’t count. I hadn’t gone to a nightclub—yet.
I could take small steps. I could go with my coworkers to a bar, and if I started feeling uncomfortable, I could leave, couldn’t I?
I raised one finger, asking for a moment, and reached inside my purse. I picked up the small notepad and pen on the side pocket and scribbled something.
If a stranger read it, it wouldn’t seem like a big deal. Hell, if my sixteen-year-old self read it, she would laugh in my face and call me insane. But to my nineteen-year-old self, it was a big deal. A huge deal.
I added a new item on my fear list: Go out to a bar with strangers.
And so I went.
***
Hannah had sent me a text when I was at the studio, asking me to come over for dinner later. I thought it was only for me, so I was a little surprised when I saw Bia’s, Lauren’s, and Iris’s cars parked in front of my sister’s house.
The girls were all in the kitchen, preparing drinks and appetizers.
“What’s the special occasion?” I asked, joining them around the island.
“There you are!” Hannah smiled at me and handed me a glass with whiskey and coke. She was wearing a pink apron reading Soon to Be Married. “How was the first and second day?”
“Good.” I set down my glass. “Fallon showed me around mostly and told me what she expects of me, and all that.”
Bia grasped my glass and poured the contents on her own glass. “Excited?”
“Yes.” I smiled, letting them know I was telling the truth. At least I had one good thing to look forward to. Well, two. The internship, and Hannah and Leo’s wedding. “Excited about the job, but worried about my incomplete.” I rolled my eyes. “My professor emailed me this afternoon.”
“So?” Hannah wiped her hands on her apron and turned to me. “When do you have to go back to retake the test?”
I shook my head. “No tests to retake. He talked to another professor of mine from the design department, and they agreed that instead of retaking the test, I have to work on a design project.”
I almost had a heart attack reading the email when I left work late this afternoon. Apparently, I had until the end of summer to come up with an original design project, and the design had to have a history or a story. I would have to explain it to them during a presentation that we would schedule later, but would probably be one or two weeks before classes started again in the middle of August.
More things to worry about. More work to do.
“That sucks,” Iris grumbled. “The working for college part, of course. Not the design part, right?”
“Yeah,” Lauren said. “You’re excited about designing something, aren’t you?”
I narrowed my eyes, realizing they were right. This was a design project. I should focus on what I loved—designing—and not worry that it was for class and that I would have to present it in front of a committee later on.
“I wasn’t excited, but now I think I might be,” I confessed. Smiling, I looked at them. “So, what is this? A girls’ night during the week? That’s new.”
Hannah shrugged. “Just wanted to get my bridesmaid and maid of honor together, do some more bonding, and get in the mood for the wedding preparations.”
“Oh, Gabi will kill us when she finds out we’re together without her again,” Bia said.
Poor Gabi. I knew how much she wanted to move to the U.S., but we couldn’t stop meeting just because she wasn’t here. Otherwise, we would get together what, two or three times a year?
I turned to the fridge and grabbed a can of Coke. “You know mom will kill you if you don’t include her in all the preparations.”
“I know. I plan on including her of course, but she doesn’t need to be waist deep in everything. Just her toes will do. You, on the other hand. I want you to be neck deep in all this.”
I smiled, but inside, I was cringing. I was excited about the wedding, but I was so afraid of messing it up. I had never planned a wedding before, and the bachelorette party? Could we just rent a movie and do a drinking game instead of having a stripper over or going out to a club?
“All right. I promise to work on your wedding when I’m not at the studio. Deal?”
Hannah handed me another glass of whiskey and Coke. “Deal.”
When she turned around to grab cookies from the oven, I passed my glass to Bia, who was already waiting for it, her hand outstretched. She winked at me and I rolled my eyes.
“What are the boys up to?” I asked, spying in the oven. Oh, I could see Bia’s awesome Pão de Queijo in there. My mouth watered.
“Guess?” Lauren said, her tone a little irritated.
“Monster truck racing, as usual,” Iris said, just as irked as Lauren. Even though they weren’t apt riders, they loved horses too, but they didn’t get the monster truck thing.
“As usual,” I repeated, nodding.
The rest of the evening went by fast. We talked about the wedding, of course, and about the guys, and about polo and horses. We also texted Gabi and, as we suspected, she was sad that she couldn’t be here with us.
Not surprisingly, I was the first one to leave.
I climbed down the front porch steps, my eyes looking in the distance for the stable. At night, only a handful of lights were on, expanding the shadows and making it look like something out of a horror movie.
I shuddered. What went down at this house and this stable three years ago could be considered right out of a horror movie. I shuddered again, exhaling. It was okay. It was over. No one would hurt Hannah or me anymore.
As I walked to the parking lot, I stole glances at the stable, focusing on what was inside. I had a terrible fear of horses. I still didn’t know how I had the courage to mount Belle and ride away on her that forsaken night. I guess I only did it because it was that or worse. After that one time though, I hadn’t gone near Belle. I hadn’t even stepped into the stable. Only gone to the gates a couple of times with Hannah and the others. But never inside.
Fear of horses was the next item on my list.
I stopped beside my car, still gazing at the stable. I had to face this fear. It was one of the easy ones. Well, no fear was easy to face, but this one was on the less difficult end of my list. If I were nervous about even planning on how to face horses and defeat my fear, how would I advance on my list? I closed my eyes for a second and took in a long breath.
You can do it, Hilary. One fear at a time.
I just wished it were that easy.
Chapter Eight
I parked my car beside Hannah’s, knowing she would be out with a tour group. I couldn’t do this if she were here. I don’t know, maybe it was because I wasn’t sure I could go through with it, and if she was here, she would keep saying, “You can do it,” and I wasn’t ready for someone else’s pressure. I was already having trouble with my own.
I looked around the parking lot. For a Friday afternoon—Fallon had sent us off to enjoy the weekend early—the ranch wasn’t as full as I thought it would be. Beside Hannah’s car and mine, there were six other cars parked near the stables, probably belonging to the riders who were out in the field with my sister.
After taking a long breath, I slid out of my car and looked down at my clothes. Jeans, a plaid, fitted shirt, and cowboy boots—the only ones I had, which had been a gift from Hannah when I was fourteen and miraculously still fit. Back then, she still had hopes that I would fall in love with horses like her, and we would ride into the sunset together.
I didn’t think I would ever fall in love with horses, but I was here to face my fear, to try and defeat my fear of horses.
Exhaling deeply, I walked into the stables. I wrinkled my nose once the smell hit me and I almost bolted right then. Gosh, how did Hannah spend all day here and didn’t gag? It was crazy.
I had been inside this stable only a handful of times, but I still remembered every detail. After the fire that killed our grandmother and destroyed the entire thing, Hannah took over the ranch and had the stable rebuilt exactly as it was before. To her, it was to p
reserve our grandmother’s memory. I would have preferred if Hannah had built it differently. Maybe it would have been easier to step into it right now.
“Miss Taylor?” Jimmy, my sister’s right hand at the ranch, stepped out from a side room, startling me.
I gasped, my hand over my pounding heart. “Jimmy, you scared the hell out of me.”
“I’m sorry, miss.” The old man looked all around but directly into my eyes, seeming uncomfortable around me. “Miss Hannah is out with a tour group. She should be back in about two hours.”
“I know.”
“Oh.” He shifted his weight. “Can I help you, then?”
“Well …” I looked around. “For now, I just want to walk around the stables, if that’s all right.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, probably thinking I was crazy. “Of course.” He stepped back, putting himself under the doorframe. “If you need anything, I’ll be here.” He pointed to the room at his back.
“All right. Thanks.”
He nodded and disappeared under the doorway.
I stayed in the same spot for a couple of minutes, taking in the place and, more importantly, trying to get used to the nasty smell. Yeah, that would take a couple of days. Or months.
The place was like a long, wide corridor with several doors on each side, but only two or three led to actual rooms, like the office Jimmy was holed up in now and the tack room. The other doors were stalls, where the horses were. It was easy to see that several stalls were empty, the horses probably out with Hannah and her group.
There were metal plates beside each stall, indicating the horses’ names. Leo’s horse, Minuano, was here, as were both Bia’s horses, Preta and Midnight, and Garrett’s mare, Felicity. Of course, Hannah’s beloved horse, Argus, wasn’t here. After helping him through a major trauma, she fell in love with that horse. Sometimes I thought she loved him as much as she loved Leo.
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