“It’s okay.” She shrugged. “I believe things will work out the way they are supposed to.”
Those words … she was talking about herself, but they rang true deep within me.
Smiling, Gabi stepped away from me and joined the other girls in front of the mirror—drinking champagne and talking about the dresses and the wedding.
Watching the girls, seeing how happy they were, how they all seemed to have found what made their life special, brought a little pang of jealousy to my chest. What made my life special? Designing dresses? That was my calling, my talent, but it didn’t enrich my life, it didn’t make me a better person, did it? I felt so confused.
Noticing the girls were caught up in themselves, I slipped away from the fitting room and went back to my desk, hoping that if I immersed myself in a new project, I would be able to keep my mind busy, blocking all thoughts of Gui and our kiss. Our fantastic kiss.
I shivered.
At least I had my self-defense class tonight and could burn off some of my frustration while punching a target dummy.
Gui
Practice had run late today since we had been trying out a new play, and I arrived at the apartment after seven in the evening. Gabi was alone in the living room, watching what looked like an old season of The Bachelor.
“Don’t you ever get tired of that show?” I asked, dropping my bag on the couch beside her.
“Não,” she said with a smile. “The drama is so good. I mean, terrible but good, you know?”
I chuckled. That was the purpose of reality TV—to enjoy the suffering of others. I walked to the kitchen, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, and then sat on a stool, turned toward the living room. Still sweating and probably smelling, I didn’t want to sit on the couch with my sister. I paid attention to the show for two minutes and couldn’t take it anymore. I stood and reached for the remote control on the side table. “This is ridiculous.”
Gabi almost jumped on me. “Don’t you dare turn it off.”
“If you’re gonna watch that shit, then I’m out of here.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You should get out of here. I don’t want to be near you with that smell.”
With a grin, I opened my arms and pretended I was going to hug her. She yelped and darted away. Laughing, I threw the remote back at her.
“Come here!”
She laughed and retreated several steps, putting two sofas between us. “You wouldn’t!” However, she knew I would. I had done it before, and she had loved and hated every second of it. “You better start showering at the club when I come live here. I don’t want this smell all over the apartment.”
I froze, my arms dropping. “What?”
She lost the smile. “If … I meant if I come live here.”
“Where is this coming from?”
“What do you mean where? Since you guys moved here, I’ve been nothing but verbal about wanting to come too.”
“I know, but I also know mom and dad would never allow that.”
She shrugged. “Well, tio João Pedro didn’t allow Bia to go to Colorado, and she went anyway.”
“That is not the same thing.”
She sighed, sitting on the couch again. “I know. But I want to, Gui.” Her eyes were pleading. “You’re all here and I’m there alone.”
“You have Mom and Dad, and your friends. Aren’t you applying for vestibular in several colleges soon?”
“I don’t want to go to college there.”
I knew that. In fact, I was well aware that my sister didn’t want to go to college at all. She wanted to play polo, like our cousins and me.
“Gabi.” I let out a deep breath. “I won’t say yes or no or maybe, because I’m not Mom and Dad, and because you’re nineteen—old enough to make most of your own decisions. If you really want this, you have to talk to Mom and Dad. Make them agree with you. If they say yes, then my apartment is yours.”
“If I talk to them and they say maybe, would you talk to them for me?” she asked. Merda, I didn’t want to get in a fight with my parents, especially not over Gabi. Then she pressed her hands together and stared at me with huge, begging eyes. “Please?”
I cursed under my breath. “Okay. But only if they say maybe.”
“Yes!” she said, jumping up on the sofa. So happy, she raced to me and almost embraced me. Then she wrinkled her nose again. “Yeah, um, I’ll want a hug, but only after you shower.”
I laughed. “You win.” I turned my back to her and headed to the hallway. I itched all over, wanting to ask her how her afternoon with Hilary was, but I held on. I was surprised that I was strong enough and didn’t ask. “I’m out of here. I’m gonna take a shower, and then we’ll order some dinner for us.”
“Sounds good.” Her smile changed from sweet to mischievous. “As long as we get to watch more of The Bachelor.”
I shook my head and marched to my bedroom, thinking of ways to disconnect the cable.
Chapter Twenty-One
We had scheduled our next meeting at the ranch before we had gone to the nightclub on Saturday. Before we had kissed. I wasn’t sure if Gui was coming, since I had ignored all his texts and calls, but I thought he deserved a face-to-face explanation.
So, Thursday after work, I went to the ranch, like we had agreed.
For some reason, I thought he wouldn’t come, but I should have known better. Gui was honorable and didn’t back down from anything. Even when I was giving him the cold shoulder, he honored our agreement and arrived before me, as usual.
I parked my car between his Jeep and Hannah’s car—I thought she would be out with my mother right now—and walked the few steps until I was standing in front of him. I lifted my eyes to him and sucked in a sharp breath. He was seated on the hood of his Jeep, wearing dark jeans, a red T-shirt, black baseball cap, and black cowboy boots. His eyes were hard, and his jaw and shoulders seemed tense. I could feel the tension in his entire body, and I hated that I had put it there.
I especially hated that I couldn’t not noticed how good he looked, even when mad at me. He was still the most handsome man I had even seen.
“I wasn’t sure you would show up,” he said.
“I said I would come, so I did.”
“All right. Let’s continue with what we were doing.” He jumped off the hood and stood in front of me.
I took two steps back. “Gui …”
Ignoring me, Gui turned to march to the stable. His movements were hard, rigid, much like the vibe coming from him. He was mad at me, but would still help me with my fear of horses?
I shook my head. “Gui,” I said louder. He halted, but kept his back to me. “I don’t … I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
He turned to me, his expression blank. “Because of what happened Saturday?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Don’t worry, Hil. It won’t happen again.”
All right. I would admit that having him say that hurt more than I thought it would. A part of me wanted it to happen again. A part of me wanted him to try that again, even when I was here, standing in front of him, looking into his eyes and lying to him that it was mistake.
“I believe you. If you say it won’t happen again, I know that nothing will happen.”
“Then, what is it?”
I groaned, deciding to lie a little more. “You were probably intoxicated and ended up k-kissing me without meaning it. So, I decided to give you an easy way out.”
His jaw popped. “One.” He lifted a finger. “I wasn’t that intoxicated, and right after the kiss, I told you I hoped it happened again. Two.” He lifted a second finger. “That has nothing to do with the riding lessons. I think we’re mature enough to keep our lessons without getting involved, if that’s what you want. You can trust me on that.”
I swallowed, hoping my nervousness went along with my saliva. “But I don’t trust myself. I … I like you more than I should, and I think these lessons, or whatever this is, will only make me like you more.”
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Gui’s jaw dropped and his shoulders sagged. After a couple of seconds, he straightened and took three long steps toward me. There was only two feet between us. “If you like me, why have you been avoiding me?” he asked, losing the hard edge to his voice.
I retreated a step. “Because!” I threw my arms out, as if an easy explanation would simply fall in my lap. “There are so many reasons.”
He crossed his arms. “Explain them to me.”
“I’m … we … that’s …” I groaned again. “I don’t know, Gui. It’s just too much. We’re practically family. It would be too weird.” He started shaking his head, but I continued before he could say anything, “And I’m not ready yet. Kissing a guy I like is on my list of fears, but I didn’t really think I would get to it so fast. To be honest, I thought I would never get to the last few items on my list, and—”
“Wait. What are the last items on your list?”
I shook my head. “That’s none of your business!” He winced as if I had hit him. I immediately regretted my words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just … it’s too personal. I had a really terrible time sharing them with my therapist.”
“I thought we were connecting.”
“We were … but there are bridges I’m not ready to cross yet.” I sighed, feeling exhausted by our conversation. “I don’t regret the kiss, Gui. It was amazing. But I’m not ready for more than that. Not yet. And I won’t tell you to wait for me, because I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to heal. If I ever heal. It’s not fair.”
“You can’t make that call for me.”
I ignored what he said and went on. “Like I said, we’re practically family. Even if I was able to go on, to kiss you again—” My heart raced. “—to try something with you, can you imagine how awkward it would be when we broke up? Having to sit together during family events would be too much.”
“And you think that from now on it won’t be? Now I know you like me and you know I like you too.”
He liked me? I forced that thought away and focused on what I came to do here. “Yes, but just the two of us know about that right now. If we pursued a relationship, I’m guessing the rest of the family would know. That’s too much pressure. Even if we tried, this—” I pointed from me to him and back. “—is doomed from the start.”
Gui tilted his head, his eyes studying me. “I won’t change your mind, will I?” I shook my head. He sighed. “And about the lessons?”
“No. I know myself. In our time together, I’ll fall even more for you and it’ll only make things worse for me.”
He nodded. “I understand, but I don’t agree.” He reached forward, and this time I didn’t have the strength to pull away. He cupped my face and looked into my eyes. “I wish you would trust me and let me kiss you again,” he whispered, leaning down. I should have run away, I should have stepped back, said no, screamed, but I was powerless. Gently, Gui brushed his lips on mine, drawing a sigh from my throat. “I wish you would give us a chance.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I understand. I don’t agree. But I’ll respect your decision.” He stepped back and, dizzy, I almost fell forward.
I caught myself and took a deep breath. “Thank you,” I choked. Deep down, I wanted him to fight for me. But why? Wasn’t this what I wanted? What I needed? In the end, I would just turn him down. I would disappoint him. Letting me go was the best, for him and me. “I ... I guess I’ll see you around.”
I spun on my heels and rushed to my car. Inside, I turned my head down, so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. Pretending to be strong, I turned on the engine and drove away without looking back.
Gui
I should have fought harder. I should have held her and not let her go. I should have told her how I felt about her—it was more than saying I liked her. It ran deeper in a way I never felt for any other girl. It scared me a little, but mostly, it excited me.
Until Hilary slammed the door in my face and locked it.
I paced in front of my bed, trying to calm down, trying to think through the frustration, the rage.
I should have grabbed her shoulders and pinned her to her car, and only let go when she understood the turmoil in me. Then she would run—scared of my actions, of the angry shine in my eyes, of the strength in my hands. No, no. Unfortunately, only time and patience would work on Hilary. Nothing else.
I groaned and punched the wall. I gritted my teeth as I watched the pieces of paint fall to the floor.
Merda. Patience wasn’t my best trait.
I was already battling with myself over going to her apartment right now and imploring her to talk to me, to listen to me, to understand me. Like a fucking stalker again.
I groaned again and almost punched the wall again. The pain radiating from my red knuckles stopped me.
This was stupid. So fucking stupid. I shouldn’t be this worked up because of a girl. I was stronger than this. No girl had ever made me feel this powerless, and it wouldn’t start now. I would take control of this situation, and it would start right now.
I pulled out my phone from my back pocket and pressed João Pedro’s number.
“Oi, Gui. Everything okay?” he answered, his Brazilian accent thicker than mine.
“Is that team from Florida still asking for me?”
A pause. “The Blue Orchard, yes. Why?”
“Do we have any important tournaments coming up, or can I go?”
Another pause. “You can go if you want.”
“I want to.”
“Okay.” I heard the shuffling of pages as if he was turning pages of his calendar. “I’ll call them and set everything up. I’ll call you later with details.”
“Thanks.”
I turned off the call and strutted into my closet, pulling a duffel bag out.
That was me taking control of the situation. That was me finding some way to have patience, to wait.
As soon as João Pedro called me and confirmed the transfer, I was leaving.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The next morning, I was deep into drawing my school project when Hannah called. She said she would be in town and wanted to go out to lunch with me. I started protesting, saying I had lots to do, but she said she knew I could make my own hours at work, so she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
At 12:15 p.m., I met her at a deli place two blocks from work.
We sat in a booth in the middle of the deli, ordered our lunches, and talked about mundane things for the first fifteen minutes. I had eaten half of my panini when she opened up about the real reason for meeting me.
“So,” she started.
I rolled my eyes. “I knew this wasn’t a social lunch. Okay, what is it?”
“It is! Can’t I have lunch with my sister?”
“Of course you can, but I know you. You’re far too busy, especially around lunch, and you’ve never invited me to lunch before.”
“Well, that was a mistake.” She brushed her long, dark hair over her shoulder and stared at me with her big, green eyes. “You’re more than my sister, you’re my friend, and we should have more lunches together.”
I tilted my head, watching her. “I would like that. However, I know there’s more to this lunch than simply spending quality time with me. Lay it on me.”
“Well,” she started again. “I ended up coming back early from the riding class last evening, and I was at the stable when you arrived at the ranch and met up with Gui.”
My eyes grew wide. “Oh my …”
“I saw you two kissing,” she said.
My cheeks flamed. “Oh my …”
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on, or do I have to ask Gui about it?”
“No! Don’t ask him.” I sighed. “Oh, man. Well …” I didn’t know what to tell her, so I decided to start from the beginning. I told her about my therapist’s idea of creating a list of my fears from the mildest to the scariest and about working on going through the list, scratching off items as much
as I could, but also taking my time. I told her about being at the ranch to face my fear of horses and bumping into Gui there. I told her about his interest in helping me, not only with horses, but everything. I told her about the helicopter ride, the late night ice cream and chocolate, and that night at the club when we noticed we had more going on between us. And I told her about the kiss in my apartment. “After that, I avoided him. I didn’t answer his texts or calls, and I was careful when coming and going so we didn’t run into each other. But we had agreed to meet yesterday for another riding lesson several days ago, before the kiss, and I honor my agreements, so I went, but I stuck to my plan. I told him we shouldn’t meet anymore, that I was done with his help.”
She lifted one eyebrow at me. “Was kissing him yesterday in your plan?”
“Of course not. And I didn’t kiss him. He just …” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. It won’t happen again.”
She stared at me, and I could see the wheels in her brain turning. “Now that I think about it, I guess it was always obvious that Gui had a thing for you, for quite a while actually.”
“W-what?”
“Yeah, I mean, before I thought it was like Leo watching Bia, you know, like family interest, but now I see it. He was always watching you, asking about you, or making small comments like, ‘Wow, she’s so pretty,’ but then he would change the subject and nobody ever put two and two together. Until now.”
Gui had always watched me? He had always thought I was pretty? That was … wow. I had no idea.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, trying to convince myself.
“Why not? I can see you like him too.”
“Do I really need to explain myself?” I asked, lowering my voice. “For starters, he might not be a huge playboy, but we both know he’s a heartbreaker. He changes girlfriends every month.” I made air quotes to emphasize the word girlfriends. Gui didn’t do girlfriends. “I would be just one more, and then I would have to see him at our family events all the time. It would be too awkward, too painful. And the most important reason is me. I can barely understand how I kissed him, because just thinking about doing it again sends a jolt of fear through me. A new panic attack isn’t far behind. How can I even consider dating someone if I can barely kiss him? And he’ll expect more, much more. It’s not fair to him.”
Breaking Through (The Breaking Series Book 3) Page 21
