by Aubrey Irons
I head down to the lower piers, following them almost aimlessly.
Of course what the movies don’t show and what the tour buses skip is the darker side - the part of town that behind the veneer of it’s adorable little main street. Beyond the charm and the little shops selling plush whale stuffed animals and keychains with founding fathers’ names stenciled on them, there’s the other side of Shelter Harbor.
Silas’s side.
The edgier side, home to the boy from across the tracks.
The one I wanted to save.
The one I thought I could save.
The one I married, before he proved how silly and wrong I could be.
The one who-
“You lost, Slimy?”
I jerk my head up, right into his grinning, cocky face.
Silas.
I’ve walked further down the piers than I thought, lost in my own head. I’m down by the resident slips, and he’s standing a foot above me, perched on the edge of a dilapidated looking tug-boat of some kind.
Yeah, the years have been good to him - ridiculously, unfairly good to him.
He looks older of course, but in that staggeringly handsome way. The lines by his eyes are a little deeper, but only in a way that makes him look better somehow.
Dick.
But there’s the same shadow across his eyes, the same dark hollows in his cheeks. That same perfect nose, and those deep, Atlantic-ocean-blue eyes.
I shake those thoughts away as I hold a hand up and squint through the afternoon sun at him.
“I told you not to call me that.”
Silas grins. “Aww, but I like it.”
I scowl.
“C’mon, you used to like it.”
“When we were ten.”
He chuckles as he shakes his head.
“Enlighten me how I keep running into you like this?”
Silas straightens, raking his nails across the stumble of his chin. “Could ask you the same thing, Hammond.” He winks. “And anyways, you’re trespassing.”
“What?”
He steps back into the low boat moored to the docks and spreads his arms wide.
“You’re on my lawn.”
My brow jerks up as I realize it’s not a tugboat he’s standing on, it’s a houseboat. A very junky, very beat-up, very I-can’t-actually-believe-it’s-floating houseboat.
My nose wrinkles. “You live here?”
“Yep.”
“Here. On a boat?”
Silas rolls his eyes. “It’s a houseboat, yes.”
“It’s a boat.”
He chuckles as he runs his finger through his hair. “Yeah, well, it’s home.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “Since when?”
“Since…” He glances down at the watch on his wrist. “Since about an hour ago. Rented through the month.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re staying in Shelter Harbor? Why?”
Silas groans. “You know, you ask a lot of questions in the morning. How did I not remember that?”
I swallow the lump in my chest.
“Because I probably didn’t before,” I shrug. “Whatever, I’ve changed a lot.”
“I can see that.”
His gaze lingers, and I feel the heat before I can stop it. The same sort of forbidden heat from the night before.
My face goes red as I shake my head.
“Listen, you want coffee? I can’t do question-time before coffee.”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
He grins. “C’mon, Sl-” he stops himself, clearing his throat. “C’mon Ivy.”
God the way he says my name. It’s like a lover’s touch all over again - the same velvet sound of his voice from that throat, tugging something inside of me like I’m hardwired to his sound.
“Come on in, I’ve got some brewing.”
I raise a brow skeptically. “You want me to come into your house?”
He laughs. “Oh, so it is a house now?”
I give him a look.
“It’s coffee, Ivy. I think we’re adult enough to have coffee together. I’ll behave.”
His face hardens. “Look, there’s some things I should tell you-”
“There are things you should have told me,” I toss out before I can stop myself.
“Eight years is a long time, you know,” he growls out, moving towards me with his eyes suddenly steely and locked right on me.
I bark out a mirthless laugh. “Believe me, I know.”
“What I mean is, eight years does a lot to change people, Ivy. I’ve changed.”
I swallow thickly. “Well so have I.”
“Yeah you have,” he says darkly, his eyes flicking across my face. “But you’re exactly the same too.”
My mouth tightens, feeling my anger rising at the gall he has to assume he knows a single damn thing about the person I’ve become in a post-Silas world.
“You don’t know anything about me, Silas,” I say tightly. “I am not-”
“You still have it?”
He nods his chin at the place beneath my breast to the side, and I blush.
“No.”
He arches a single brow, and suddenly I’m caving.
“Yes,” I grumble out. “Yes, I still have it.”
His lips pull into a white grin. “Me too.”
He reaches down and snags the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it over that chiseled body. Sure enough, it’s right there, in the same place it was drawn nine years before at the place in Cambridge that only glanced at my ID.
It was my first that night, his fourth or fifth. He’s added more since that night, it appears - much more, in swirls and images and lines of text across his skin. But it’s still there. The tiny outline of a key, with plenty of space around it from the other, newer tattoos.
I shake my head. “We were young, and stupid.”
He grins. “Young, yeah.” Silas shakes his head as he drops his shirt back down. “Not stupid, though.”
“What are you doing here, Silas?”
The question comes tumbling out yet again. Because past all this banter, past this little sugar-coated jaunt down memory lane, it’s the only question that matters right now.
He shrugs again - that same effortless easy and easing motion that hasn’t changed at all as he’s gotten older.
“Told you, Rowan invited me to see your dad’s-”
“Yeah, that’s actually another thing,” I say coolly. “ You and Rowan all buddy-buddy.”
“The guy’s my best friend, Ivy, despite what happened.”
“Well he’s my brother, Silas. Even after what happened.”
I hold his gaze another second before the words come tumbling out.
“He doesn’t know, does he.”
Silas frowns.
I shake my head, raking my fingers through my hair. “No, he doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. I’d have heard about it.”
“Doesn’t know about what?”
“About us.”
Silas raises a brow but I shake my head. “No, not about us being together, I mean…” I take a big gulp of air before looking up into his eyes, my own narrowed. “Your best friend doesn’t know you fucking married his little sister before you ran out on her does he.”
His mouth goes tight, and I bark out a small laugh. “Yeah, he doesn’t know about this, does he?”
I suddenly reach into my loose beach shirt and yank out the thin silver chain, with the pendant that was once my wedding ring hanging from the end.
Silas stares at it, his mouth hanging open.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I mutter. I’m the idiot who kept it.”
“Ivy-”
“Stupid, I know.” My gaze darts from his bare finger to his eyes. “I’m sure yours is long fucking gone.”
Slowly, Silas shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine as he swallows. “Eight years later and you still don’t know me, huh?”
Before I can say anything, he suddenly reaches down,
grabs his shirt, and whips it off his body.
“There.”
And suddenly he’s right in front of me, the manly smell of him invading my senses, and his bare, chiseled and inked body right in front of my eyes. And right there, laying against his chest on a small silver chain…
The silver ring.
The one I slipped onto his finger eight years ago in the back rectory of the church in Stoborough.
He kept it. It’s not tossed into the ocean, or flushed down a toilet, or hocked, or whatever I imagined he did with it after he left. It’s right there, laying across his heart on a chain that practically matches mine.
“It’s not long fucking gone, Ivy,” he growls, so close to me, his words a warm tease across my upturned lips.
“It’s been right here,” he growls, tapping his chest as his eyes pierce right into mine. “For eight. Fucking. Long. Years.”
I nod, my eyes dropping again to the little silver band dangling from his neck.
“Did it hurt?” I say quietly. “All those years?”
He nods, his jaw fighting. “Yeah, it fucking hurt, Ivy.”
I take a deep breath as I look him full in the face.
“Good.”
Somehow, I manage to pull myself out of the gravity of him, taking a step back from the proximity of him.
“Now multiply that by a hundred, and you can get a taste for what I went through not even knowing if you were alive or dead.”
He shakes his head. “Ivy, hang on.”
But I don’t hang on. I don’t “wait” - not anymore.
Instead, I turn my back to him, step back onto the dock, and walk away.
Chapter 14
Ivy
“Can I borrow your car?”
Sierra looks up from the book she’s reading in the big armchair in the living room.
“I’m going to go down to the train station and grab Blaine.”
Sierra raises a brow. “He finally get on one?”
I scowl.
Yet another reason I’ve been in a sour mood the entire afternoon and evening. Because if running into Silas Hard, again, wasn’t fun enough, my boyfriend is apparently incapable of making a damn train to come see me.
She puts the book into her lap. “Look, I’m sure he just had stuff to do that he got caught up in.” She shrugs her shoulders. “You know how you get when you’re sucked into those conference calls with marketing or whoever.”
“He missed four trains today,” I mutter out, pouting.
Sierra purses her lips. “Hey, you okay?”
“Fine.”
I haven’t told her about bumping into Silas earlier. I’m also trying to convince myself that doing so has had zero effect on me. I’m trying tell myself that the sole reason for my sour mood is Blaine missing trains, not Silas bringing up the past.
Sierra nods. “Keys are in my purse by the front door.”
“Thanks.”
By the time the parking lot is totally empty at the train station across town, I know I haven’t somehow missed him.
He’s just not here.
I can feel the heat rising in my face as I dial his number for the eighth time in as many minutes, letting it ring and ring until it goes to voicemail. Again.
I slump in the seat, blowing air out through my lips and drumming my fingers across the steering wheel. I glance down at my dark phone, as if watching it will miraculously get Blaine to call and let me know that, yes, I have somehow missed him. Yes, he’s waiting at home with my whole family, waiting for me to get there so he can tell me everything is normal, and calm, and on track, and that the past is going to stay there.
But it doesn’t. I check my call settings for the third time, to make sure I’m getting service or on the right network or whatever. But I know at this point I’m just fishing in the dark.
The train’s long gone, and Blaine’s not here.
I drive in silence back across Shelter Harbor to my parents’ place, letting the streetlight trail across the windshield and my thoughts trail across my mind until I pull the car back into their driveway.
Then the phone rings.
And I know I should let him wait. I should hold off until the very last ring to pick up. But I of course answer halfway through the first damn ring.
“Hey!”
Blaine clears his throat. “Hey.”
“Did you miss the train?” I hate how eager, how needing my voice is.
There’s a silence for another few seconds before he answers.
“No, Ivy.”
I let out a sigh. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I missed you then! I’m so sorry!” I grin, reaching for the keys. “Hang on, I’ll come back to the station and get-“
“No, Ivy, I mean I didn’t miss the train because I never took it.”
I blink in the darkness of the car, my brow wrinkling. “What?”
“Look, Ivy-”
“On purpose?” My voice squeaks.
“Uh, yeah.”
I shake my head, frowning and trying to wrap my head around this. “Blaine, if you didn’t want to come out here, you just had to tell me. I mean, my parents really want to see you, and of course I want to see you, but if you aren’t feeling it, you just have to-”
“Ivy, I’ve been thinking.”
I freeze, a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I swallow the thick lump that forms in my throat. “About?”
Blaine sighs heavily. “About us.”
The sinking feeling starts to burn hot.
“What do you mean?” I almost whisper into the phone.
“Look, babe-”
“What are you saying, Blaine?” I suddenly find my volume, and my voice ratchets up in loudness, a buzzing sound starting to ring in my ears.
“Look, I-” he groans. “Babe, I just don’t know if I’m ready for the life you want.”
My eyes start to narrow as the anger starts to bloom inside. “And what life is that, exactly?”
“Ivy, I don’t know, I’m just-” He take a beat. “I’m just not ready to settle down I guess.”
The floor drops out from under me. And I want to feel crushed, or broken, or hell, even sad.
But all I feel is anger.
“Is there another girl.” My voice is edged, my hand gripping the steering wheel of the dark car with a death-grip.
Blaine clears his throat. “Ivy-“
“IS THERE,” I belt out. The front door to my parents’ house opens as Sierra pops her head out. She raises her brow at me, but I shake my head, waving her back.
“Blaine.”
“I don’t know how you want me to answer that.”
The sound that comes out of my lips is anything but a laugh - this harsh, cracked sound. “I think you know how I want you to answer that, Blaine.”
He sighs again. “Ivy, it’s more complicated than that.”
I slump in the driver’s seat as Sierra slowly makes her way down the front steps, a worried look on her face.
“No, Blaine, it’s not. Just answer the damn quest-”
“Yes.”
The world goes quiet.
“Yes, there is.”
It isn’t until I hang up the phone that I let the scream that’s been bottled up in my chest come ripping out. I yell as loud as I can, squeezing my eyes shut and pounding on the steering wheel, only barely aware of my younger sister opening the door and helping me out. She hugs me, stroking my back like I need comforting.
Except I don’t. I don’t need comforting, not for what I feel inside. Because I’m not sad or heartbroken or anything like that. I’m furious.
“I need to get out of here,” I mumble out, starting to open her car door again.
“Hang on,” Sierra looks at me with her lip between her teeth, her face fallen. “Where are you going?”
“Out. Somewhere.” I shake my head, breathing hard and feeling the blood pounding in my ears. “Anywhere. I don’t know.”
She shakes her head. “Not in my ca
r you’re not. Not like this.” She gingerly pulls her keys out of my hand, and I scowl at her.
“Sierra-”
“Blaine?”
My scowl deepens as I nod and look away.
She puts a hand on my arm. “You want some company?”
“Nope.”
She closes her mouth and nods. “You do know I’m not going to let you drive like this though, right?”
“Fine.”
I turn and start to head back down the driveway on foot.
“Ivy!”
“I’m just going for a walk, okay?” I throw back, my sandals flapping against the sidewalk as I stomp down the street.
I want to break something.
I need to feel something.
But most importantly and most immediately, I need a drink.
“This stupid town is small enough for me to rage-walk to O’Donnell’s anyways,” I mutter out loud to myself as I storm off into the night.
It’s gorgeous out too, which only pisses me off even more. The smell of salt brine, the warm summer air, the glow of a three-quarter moon illuminating the trees.
It should be romantic. A night like this is for young love and forgetting about the future in favor of the now. A night like this is for stolen first kisses.
Because a night like this is when a game of flashlight tag turned into something more - a first kiss, heated, stolen, forbidden, quick and light across my lips and leaving me breathless. And a week after that night, on another night much like this one, is when I confronted him about it. After a week of feeling like I had a wonderful hidden secret but also scared to death of what it meant.
“You can’t just kiss me like that.”
He grins, the moon flashing off his teeth and the whites of his eyes. “Sure I can.”
“I- you-” I have no words, lost when those eyes look into mine, that cool look on his face.
“You shouldn’t have kissed me.”
“Why not.”
“Cause.”
The weekly Saturday night game of flashlight tag plays out across half a block of back yards, my siblings and a dozen other neighborhood kids from the neighborhood howling and giggling in the late summer night. Silas is “it”, but I know full-well we’re playing an entirely different game, hidden here together behind Ms. Hempstead’s garage.
