by Frost, H. Q.
He shrugged. “I like the word fuck.”
“I fucking do too, and dick, and shit, and damn, and cunt—”
“All right, that’s an Ashley word. If you start talking like her, I might wash your mouth out with soap.”
“What would you prefer I say?”
“Depends. Why would you use the word cunt?” His eyebrow cocked.
“Referring to a person.”
“Stick with dick, or bitch.” He shrugged.
“In bed,” she then said.
“Pussy.” He looked up at her, pushing a bite of chicken into his mouth.
“You like that word?”
“I love that word.”
Lilith contemplated this a minute, then brought her attention back to her plate.
“You like that word?” he spoke up when she seemed offended.
“Pussy?”
Liking the way it sounded coming from her mouth, he smirked. Noticing his face light up, she giggled.
“I like your reaction.”
He chuckled. “I got you a job Thursday.”
She looked up at him with excitement. “A job? A date job?”
“Yes.” Her enthusiasm made him laugh. “A gentleman from Japan has a dinner with associates from here and he needs a date. He’s just looking for someone to sit at his side and appear to be barely legal.”
“Ian!” she boasted with disgust.
“He’s a perv. It’s not my fault!”
“I look barely legal?” An unwanted lewd feeling began creeping through her.
“No! But you can.” He looked away after seeing the discontent all over her face. “If you don’t want the job I’ll send one of the other girls, but I just figured this one’s easy. He’s adamant about no sex, it’s a few hours at dinner, you don’t have to talk much.”
“And that’s good because I’m not good at communication?” she scoffed, folding her arms.
He looked up at her confused. “What?”
“You said I don’t have to talk.”
“I didn’t mean that, Lily. You know damn well I didn’t mean that.”
Her perpetual bad mood was hitting a nerve.
“What time?”
Stabbing at his potatoes pointlessly, he replied, “Thursday at seven.” The feeling of hunger drained, being replaced with sick aggravation.
“What would I wear?”
“I’ll have an outfit for you. Robert Tanaka has a specific idea.”
“Oh god,” she snickered. “If it’s something disgusting or too perverse—” She abruptly silenced when his silverware clanked loudly on his plate.
“I tried to tell you this is not a job for you.”
The tensity in his jaw made him look like he was grinding his teeth.
Realizing she was bitching just to bitch, she said, “I want the job! I do.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm her irrational mood.
“I can give you office work, Lily. Something simple. It won’t be the same amount of money—”
“Is that all you think I care about!”
His eyes shot to her with confusion and sadness; her mood swings were alienating.
“This is the second time in two days you mentioned money!” Grabbing her plate, she stormed to the kitchen. When she absentmindedly tossed the plate into the sink, it broke into three pieces.
“Fuck,” he muttered, leaning his head into his hand, thinking ‘Karen doesn’t even act this irrationally, and she’s legally crazy’.
Giving her space, he finished his food then walked to the sink, seeing what she’d done. With a shaking hand and racing heart, he picked out the glass pieces around the food she barely ate. The feeling that everything was going to come to an abrupt end loomed and he didn’t know how to stop it.
Wanting to give her time to cool off, he went out and bought wine, candy, and a bad book he hoped she’d at least pretend she’d read.
Lilith was still in the bedroom behind the closed door when he returned. After making her another plate of food, because she hadn’t eaten enough, and pouring her a glass of wine, he went into the room. She didn’t pull her eyes from the book she was reading.
Setting her glass of wine and plate on the nightstand, he carefully sat on the bed and took her book, placing a bookmark in it and closed it.
“You didn’t eat.” His gentle tone brought on a flood of tears from her.
Throwing herself into his arms, she cried, “I’m sorry.” After a few minutes of deep sobbing, she pulled away and looked at the book he bought. “You brought me a book?” she asked through tears.
“You don’t have to read it.” The sadness in his smile told her how much he was trying and feeling like a failure.
“I’m so sorry. I’m trying.” She began to cry again, making more mascara run down her face.
“I know.” The words didn’t sound as convincing as he wanted.
Standing, he walked into the en-suite bathroom and looked around for a washcloth to remove her running makeup. Opening the cabinet to find makeup remover, he saw the razor blade on the sink ledge and a few drops of blood in the sink. His heart stopped with a thud. To feel like he was still breathing, he deeply inhaled. It was too late, but Lilith remembered what she left in the bathroom and she closed her eyes, knowing he was going to be pissed.
He approached the bed with a washcloth and baby oil, then wordlessly began removing her makeup while she chewed a piece of chicken. Through trembling hands, he was gentle with her delicate skin. While he wiped her face, his eyes kept shooting to her arms exposed by her tank top, but there were no visible gauze or irritation.
“This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone, baby,” he whispered, putting his lips to the side of her head.
Lilith closed her eyes, choking back tears. She put a shaking hand to her face and fought to slow her breathing.
When He feels He’s lost His meaning
She’s killing me. I’m losing her. I cannot stomach the thought she wants to hurt herself more than talk to me or have sex with me. That was our thing: we’ll fuck it out. Why doesn’t she want to fuck it out anymore!
Since we’ve been home she’s been distant and ornery. I can deal with it, I just don’t want her to hate me, and at this rate she’ll never actually marry me.
“Eat,” I say. The cuts must have been small, perhaps on her wrist and disguised by the bruising because I don’t see anything.
She’s staring at the plate, mindlessly eating, and I’m studying her. Her brown eyes aren’t hers, these are the lost eyes I fear.
My phone has vibrated in my pocket three separate times and I’m glad Lily doesn’t know how much Karen is trying to get ahold of me. I’m worried about Karen too, but I’m more worried about losing Lily.
“I want to have a wedding,” I say, bringing her out of her trance.
Frightened eyes meet mine, and it’s sad staring into a face that I don’t think really wants to marry me.
“That’s not possible,” she fumbles the words out of her mouth.
“With your family, Ashley, Caesar.”
Ashley had called me when she left today and told me Lily didn’t want a real wedding, but I want to give that to her to make this more legit, and if I involve her family, she’ll be more apt to stay . . . I hope.
“I haven’t even told my mom.”
“Tell her. We’ll tell her together. I want to meet her, Lily.” I take her hand, trying to nonchalantly look at her wrist, but still see no cuts.
“I’ll make dinner arrangements,” she says like she’s not mentally in the conversation.
“You don’t want me to meet her?”
“I’m worried about you, your reputation. You want these people to know, but what’s going to happen when it gets out?”
“Your family lives two hours away,” I answer like distance offers protection from revealing us.
I want the world to know, except Karen. If I could just keep Karen in a protected bubble, I would.
“I’ll se
t up a dinner. I don’t want to discuss this now,” she mumbles, pushing the plate away and lays down with her back to me.
After taking care of her plate, I lie in bed and wrap my arm around her stomach. Cool dampness wets my fingertips and I pull my hand away seeing blood.
“Lily!” I bark, sitting up, rolling her to her back.
Blood is seeping through her tank top and I push her shirt up while she tries to fight it down.
“What’d you do?” I ask in a low, panicked tone. “Lily, what’d you do?” I ask again, slowly reaching for the bloody bandage across her ribs.
She’s trying to fight my hands away, but her weak fight is no match and I pull the gauze away, exposing two deep slashes about four inches each on her right ribcage.
“Oh god, Lily. Baby,” I force the terrified words out of my mouth through the burning in my throat.
When I look at her face, she’s staring at the ceiling with tears rolling from her eyes, down the sides of her face into her hair. She’s expressionless. It’s like she’s in a fucking comatose state; it’s unnerving. The burning in my throat turns to a lump and I get out of the bed, quickly going through the bathroom for medical supply. My shaking hands are barely working and I’m fighting back fucking tears. I shouldn’t be crying over this. I shouldn’t be fucking crying!
With a trembling hand, I wipe the seeping wounds before rubbing ointment onto them, all the while she stares blankly at the ceiling with tears flowing out of the corners of her eyes. My hands have her blood on them and I’m trying to calm down after I get her cleaned up, but her shirt still has blood on it and now the bed sheets do too. It’s all visually unsettling because I automatically go into protective mode.
“Baby.” I push her hair out of her face with my wrist, not to smear blood across her face.
“I feel so numb,” she listlessly says, still staring at the ceiling.
Fuck, what am I doing to this girl? Is it me?
LUXE 2
*LUXE*
Without words to console her, he cuddled into her side with his head on her shoulder, hoping his closeness would smother her pain. The thought sex might have helped came to mind, but he couldn’t arouse knowing she was physically hurt. For close to an hour they lay in complete silence.
Feeling his phone vibrate against her side for the second time, she mumbled, “Karen’s calling.”
Ian didn’t respond, he looked at her blood dried on his hands then closed his eyes in despair.
“You should answer that, Ian.”
Laying perfectly still, he still didn’t respond.
“Answer it, Ian!” she loudly snapped.
Angrily, he pulled his phone from his pocket. “Hello?” he answered, glowering at Lilith. “I won’t be home tonight. I’m at my mother’s.”
Lilith jerked her head too look at him and began to shake her head no, silently telling him he wasn’t staying the night at the condo.
“I’ve had some drinks, I shouldn’t be driving. Get Trinity to stay the night tonight.”
Lilith could hear Karen whining on the other end and she sat up. With a stern face and mouthing the word “go,” she pointed to the door.
Shaking his head no, he said into the phone, “I’ll be home on my lunch tomorrow. Let me know if you need something.”
With annoyance, Lilith dramatically crossed her arms under breasts, but a burning pain reminded her of her instability and she dropped them.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hung up before Karen could say ‘I love you’.
“Goddammit, Ian!”
“I’m not fucking leaving you!” he yelled at her. “Get in the shower.” He pointed toward the bathroom.
“Leave!” she viciously growled.
“Get in the shower!” he demanded. “Now!” His roar echoed through the house.
Lilith looked at him surprised, but after a minute of consideration, she walked into the bathroom with him on her heels. Like a helpless child, she stood planted, watching him prepare the water, then carefully undress her and slowly pull the gauze away. Taking her hand, he helped her into the shower, then picked up the razor blade from the sink and put it in his pocket.
“Are there anymore?” he calmly asked. Remaining silent, her eyes locked with his. “Tell me now.” His tone was stern but poised.
“There.” Wanting the help, she pointed to a drawer.
A box of one hundred single-edge razors sat in the drawer. Not touching the box, he stared at it for a long minute. With a sigh, he picked it up then walked out of the bathroom. A few minutes passed before he returned and started to undress.
“I can’t control it.” Her small voice was always disheartening. “I thought I’d be able to, but I can’t.”
“We will.” He pulled her toward him and she nuzzled into his chest.
The water beat onto her back while he covetously held her for several minutes and thought back to Barbados and how he could count the hours on two hands the time he wasn’t touching or holding her. Loosening his arms, he got to his knees in front of her to look at the wounds across her ribs. When he delicately kissed them, she silently winced and put her hand to her mouth, squeezing her eyes closed. Soft kisses covered her stomach.
“Please don’t stop loving me,” he said in desperation. “I need you, baby.”
Her fingers slid into his hair and she let out a quiet sob, trying to fight back the relentless tears.
“I will always love you, Ian.” Closing her eyes, she lifted a shaking hand to cover them, wishing pain didn’t feed off her body.
“Promise me.” His words ached in her chest.
“I promise you.”
Standing, he pressed her to the wall, kissing her through her tears. It was what they needed, even through both their afflictions. It didn’t take long for her hands to explore their way down his hard stomach muscles all the way to his cock; she slowly stroked him until he was hard. The tears didn’t stop, but they were forgotten as she lifted her foot to the shower ledge, then guided him inside her. When she roughly pulled at him, he stopped her, kissing her deeply and rocking his hips deliberately. In an attempt to treat her body as delicately as he saw it, he took it slow, and with intensity he stared into her eyes, occasionally placing doting kisses on her lips. Knowing she wasn’t going to win out, she didn’t push him for something more demanding; his hold on her, his devoted kisses, and his deep plunges showed the possession she was craving. It was enough, he was enough, but her body wasn’t fully responding and didn’t offer her a release before he pulled out to orgasm. She watched every twitch and pulse his cock displayed.
When he left her in the shower, she stood in a daze, watching his come slide from her foot to the tub and swirl down the drain. Her eyes fixed on the funneling water until Ian touched her arm, bringing her out of her haze. While he dried her off, she stared at the wall with heavy limbs, and after dressing her wounds, he got her into the bed.
“Please go home,” she muttered.
“I am home.”
“Go to your other home. Karen needs you—”
“You need me!” he snapped.
“Not as much as she does. I’m fine, Ian, just go.”
“I’ll leave, but I won’t go home,” he said with animosity.
Turning her head to look at him, she asked, “Where will you go?”
“I’ll get a hotel room if you don’t want me here.” He looked at her with precaution, not wanting to upset her, but he couldn’t leave her. “Please, Lily, I want to be here with you, and. . . .” He stopped and sighed. “Please don’t make me leave you.
***
Waking up next to him made her smile, even if he was snoring.
“Ian.” She softly nudged him. “Ian, your alarm.” She nudged him harder.
Ian reached over, silencing the alarm on his phone then leaned onto her shoulder.
“Morning,” he groggily yawned out.
With a kiss to his forehead, she jovially said, “Good morning. Go to work. I need ins
urance.”
Quickly, he shifted the feature that touched his face briefly; the look like she was a different woman and he found her insane changed to a tired smile. Her good mood poured from her smile and bright eyes; it wasn’t her mood that concerned him, it was the drastic three sixty.
Trying his damnedest not to let his home life affect his business proved to be futile; concern for Lilith altered his concentration. He blamed himself though, it was all because of the problem he created, which was him allowing her to see other people and him constantly worrying about who she might be with.
On lunch he went to apartment, shocked to see Karen out of bed moving around.
“You should be in bed!” he stressed.
“I’ve been in a bed for over a month, babe,” she huffed.
“You hurt yourself just the other day, Karen. You need to stay in bed.”
“I’m going fucking crazy! Take me out. Out to lunch or something! Please!”
Staring at her, he saw she didn’t look anything like herself.
“I saw Dr. Hund yesterday and he said sex is okay if I’m up for it.”
Ian pulled his eyes away from her and walked around the corner to the kitchen.
“I think I’m up for it,” she called out to him, waiting for a response. “Ian,” she mumbled, entering the kitchen.
“We never discussed what you did, Karen. I don’t even know what kind of damage you’ve done to yourself for God’s sake. Everything was a big fucking secret at the hospital. What was that shit only you or your parents can get answers from the doctor?” He scowled at her.
“I don’t know.” Shrugging, she looked away. “I guess because the nature of the incident? We’re not married so. . . .” Without meeting his eyes, she shrugged again. “The hospital’s not important anymore. We’re important now, babe.”
“You’ve been cheating on me—”
“It was one time! I swear!” She reached out, but doubled over from the sudden movement. Ian grabbed her before she fell; he helped her back to bed. “Ian, I love you. There’s no excuse for what I did, but I didn’t do it because I don’t love you.”
“Why’d you do it?” He stared at her, hoping maybe she’d have some insight on why he too cheated.
