by Tess Oliver
We sat on the steps and stared out at the quiet town, still more asleep than awake. I couldn't hold back a smile as Ella took hold of my hand and held it tightly in her lap.
"My dad was a badass. He was a fearless pilot. He wasn't scared of anything. I still remember sitting next to him on the couch one night when he was miserable with a toothache. He'd finally had enough so he just reached in and yanked the sucker out." A short laugh punctuated my words. "He could eat a jalapeno pepper like it was a marshmallow. That's the kind of guy he was. But he had a collection of movies, mostly musicals, that showed his other side. The side that always heard the music, no matter what the situation, no matter how shitty things got, he heard the music. Hair was the one movie I didn't mind sitting down with him to watch. I pretty much memorized it." I looked over at her. "Are you disappointed that I stole the nickname from a song?"
"Not after hearing the amazing story that goes along with it." Ella lifted my hand to her mouth and kissed my knuckles, red and raw from work. "Hearing you call me Starshine already touches me at my very core. Now it means even more."
I pulled my hand from hers and dropped my arm around her shoulder. "Not in the mood to work today. I got a call from my mom that my grandpa's old horse died last night."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Fynn."
I trailed my fingers along her arm. "She was an old horse, and she had a good life, but I'm sure it's going to be hard on my grandfather. Milly was always there when you looked out the window of the farmhouse. Just like a big, gray lawn ornament, swishing her tail in the breeze and shaking the gnats away from her ears."
"Fynn?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you teach me to ride a horse some day?"
"I sure can. Shit, let's go right now. We can just pack up and head back to the farm."
She looked at me, trying to assess just how much I was kidding.
"Really, just say the word, and we can have you in the saddle in a few hours."
"You realize how tempting that is for a girl who grew up surrounded by horse posters and plastic toy ponies, right? And I'll bet you are a sight to see sitting up on a horse. Particularly because you are a sight to see just sitting in the center of this dreary park." She looked back over her shoulder. "I see they got the sprinklers going." Her smile sparked my direction. "You did that. You started something here in this park, and it's stretching out through the whole town."
"Yeah, I guess it kind of is."
Ella hopped up. "I've got to open the store. I'm off at twelve. I could come help if you think I can be more of a help than a pain in the butt."
"You are never a pain. A distraction? Totally. But never a pain." I stood up and pulled her close, deciding I wasn't quite ready to part with her lips yet. "Hey, are you up for a trip to the beach?"
Her smile lit up. "Yes. When?"
I reached up and ran my finger along her bottom lip. "What the hell is it about this smile that makes me know everything in the world will be right?" The words were meant for me, but they spilled out before I could stop them.
She placed her hand against my face, a touch that I could feel through my whole body. "Just a guy and his dog," she said quietly. Like my words they seemed to be meant only for her but they rolled out.
"How about we head to the coast after work?"
"I would love that."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ella
My face was glued to the passenger window of the van. I was already miles past any place I'd ever been, and every sign, every building, every tree was different. Boone had insisted on sitting next to me on the seat. I had my arm around him to keep him from falling off at sharp turns or stops. We had left the small two lane highway that led through the string of towns, and Fynn turned the van onto the four lane freeway that would eventually lead to the coast.
"Not to sound like an annoying little kid on vacation, but how much farther?" I picked up the bag of cheese puffs from the console and took out a handful to share with my seat partner.
Fynn laughed at my enthusiasm. "We've got about forty more miles to go." His wrist was draped over the top of the steering wheel. He lifted his finger to point through the windshield. "See those small mountains? We've got to wind through those, and when we come out the other side, we will magically be at the coast. When was the last time you went to the beach?"
"Hmm, let me see." I tapped my chin as if I was actually trying to drum up the exact date, even though I knew there was no date. "Oh, that's right. Never."
His face shot toward me. "You've never been to the beach?"
I wasn't sure how it happened, but far too many conversations ended up back at that day, the day that changed everything. But somehow Fynn made it easier to talk about. I stared down at my fingers and rubbed off the orange cheese between my finger and thumb. "After the accident, it just never came up again. My parents had no desire to travel to the coast. We rarely leave town."
"I'm sorry, Ella, I didn't even think—We could go somewhere else."
"No, please. I badly want to feel the sand between my toes. I've imagined the beach so many times. I need to see if it matches everything in my head." I reached forward to turn up the music. "I've decided I need to watch Hair sometime. I think I'd like it, even if it was filmed before man stood upright."
Fynn's deep, gritty laugh was quickly becoming an unforgettable sound, a sound I never wanted to be without. "That's a good one. I think you'd like it too."
I looked over at his incredibly handsome profile. Sometimes he looked younger than twenty-four, like someone who still had plenty of rebellion in him. Other times, he looked like a guy who had already experienced more than the usual man his age. "How did your dad die?"
It was a short, five word question but it changed his expression to hard and sad, and I wanted badly to retract it. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."
A sullen quiet followed, and I stared out the window, silently chastising myself.
"He killed himself." His voice came out of a cold silence. There was an edge of anger in his tone that I hated to hear.
"It's all right, Fynn. I don't need to hear more. It's not my business." I scurried to let him know that I didn't want to know details, but something compelled him to keep going, as if he needed to get something off his chest.
"His car was in the garage," he continued, and I wanted to just cover my ears and hum like I did when I was a little girl and didn't want to hear my Mom's lecture.
"He climbed inside, turned on the engine and sat there until he died of carbon monoxide poisoning. I was a kid, and I had no fucking clue that you could kill yourself that way. I found him sitting there in the front seat, still as a store mannequin. I shook him for a good five minutes trying to wake him."
I pressed my arm against my stomach. The winding road and the sorrow in his tone had sent a wave of nausea through me. "That's terrible, Fynn. I'm so sorry."
"No, Ella, I'm sorry. You look pale. I shouldn't have laid that story on you. I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes I just have to say it out loud because I'm pissed at myself about it. If I'd gotten there just a few minutes sooner, a remedy as simple as opening the garage door could have saved his life. Not to mention that I was a pig-headed, self-centered teenager. I should have listened to him more. I might have seen it coming."
Fynn had talked me through some of the heavy burden I carried around with me about the accident, and it seemed it was time for me to return the favor. I scooted sideways and looked at him as he focused ahead on the road. His mood had darkened, and it was my fault. I'd stupidly brought up the subject of his dad's death. Sometimes I was such a lunk-head.
"Fynn, you can't beat yourself up about a few minutes of time. It happened the way it happened. Every accident happens because of timing, so there just isn't any way to over think that without making yourself crazy. And pig-headed and self-centered describes ninety percent of teenagers. When I was a little girl, my dad called me kitten and princess. Those endearing nicknam
es disappeared during my early teens, not to return until I reached twenty. And with good reason. You just can't blame yourself. I'm sure that was the last thing your dad wanted."
Fynn nodded but didn't look completely convinced. Obviously, just like with my own demons, it was something he'd have to come to terms with on his own.
The clunky ring of my cell phone startled me, but it was a welcome diversion. I reached down between my feet for my bag. "Now don't laugh. My phone is a museum relic. In fact, I'm sure it was made at the same time they filmed that Hair movie." I pulled out my embarrassing flip phone and opened it. Very few people ever called me, so I knew without looking it was my mom or dad.
"Hello."
"Hello, Ella, it's mom."
"Yep, I recognize your voice." I winked at Fynn. His smile had returned, and I was relieved to see it.
"How is everything, Mom?" Silence.
"Mom?" My moment of panic was quickly replaced with the realization that I'd lost reception. "Between this curvy mountain road and my funky old phone, I doubt we'll be able to talk." The phone rang again. "Except my mom is persistent. Hello."
"Are you there, Ella?"
"Yes, I can hear you. Everything all right?"
"Yes. Everything is fine. Your dad went out golfing with Uncle Bill. Where are you? There is so much static."
I stared out at the trees lining the road. They grew thicker as we climbed higher into the mountains. I debated not telling her at first but then I was a terrible liar. "I'm on the way to the beach." Silence. I huffed in frustration and looked at the phone. It wasn't dead. This time the silence was hers.
"Ella, why on earth are you going to the beach?" I'd expected her to sound curious, but there was far more than that in her tone. She sounded shaken. I knew one of the reasons we never went to the beach was because my parents didn't want to travel the same road of the accident, but it seemed that the statute of limitations on that would have run its course by now.
"Fynn invited me, and I decided it would be nice to finally see the ocean. It's fine, Mom. We're almost there."
"Oh, Ella, I knew that boy was trouble."
I covered the phone some, worried she'd say her ignorant thoughts loud enough that Fynn would be able to hear them, but he seemed focused on the road in front of him.
"Mom, you're being ridiculous. Tell Dad I love him and have fun. I'll call you later at home where the reception is better."
"Yes, call me the second you get back home."
"I will. Bye." I shoved my phone back into my bag, glad to end the conversation.
Fynn glanced over at me for a quick second and then returned his eyes to the curvy road. "It sounds like she wasn't too happy about you going to the beach."
I waved off his suggestion. "She'd prefer it if I just stayed in my room wrapped up in cotton balls. I guess she will never stop worrying about me." Boone seemingly grew tired of being cramped on the seat with me. He crawled over the console and jumped into the back where his cushy pillow waited.
I stared out the front windshield and watched the twists and turns in the road pass under us. We had reached the high point on the road and were heading downhill. A thin white railing bordered the side of the road. We had moved to the outside of the mountain, leaving us with a steep, rocky mountain on one side and sheer, steep drop off on the other.
The earlier wave of nausea snuck up on me again, and I swallowed back a bitter taste in my throat. I wasn't used to long car rides and especially not on winding roads. I opened my window a crack. The cool, fragrant air seeped in to refresh my face.
"Are you O.K., Starshine? You still look pale."
I nodded and swallowed again. It seemed the fresh air was doing little to alleviate my sour stomach. "Guess I've got a little motion sickness."
"There aren't any places to pull over along this stretch, but the beach isn't too much farther. It always helps to watch the road. That way you know when the next turn is coming."
I took a deep breath and forced a weak smile. "Right." I stared out the front windshield. Fynn was right. It helped the motion sickness. But the nausea was slowly being replaced by something I couldn't explain. Even the fresh air shooting through the window wasn't enough. It seemed that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get enough of a breath. I gripped the seat with my fingers, which had begun to tingle with a strange numbness. I was only vaguely aware of anything going on around me as the scenery blurred. The van seemed to spin as if caught in a tornado.
"Ella?" Fynn's voice came to me through the panicked haze in my head, but I couldn't respond.
My face, hands and feet were numb, and I sucked in deep gulps of air. My nails dug into the vinyl of the seat, and I held on for dear life as my body was hurtled through space. I closed my eyes and held my breath, a scream of terror frozen in my chest.
My eyes popped open as frigid air suddenly pelted me from every direction. The bag of cheese puffs floated around the cabin of the van like an astronaut in space until a big hand plucked it out of its gravity free flight.
"Ella, are you all right?" Fynn's deep voice found its way through the confusion and circled me like a comforting embrace. Slowly, the feeling came back to my limbs. My face no longer felt stiff and numb. I closed my eyes and rested back against the seat, waiting for oxygen to return to my lungs and my erratic pulse to smooth out.
Fynn's big hand covered mine. I hadn't noticed that we had slowed to a near crawl until his touch caused me to open my eyes. The road stretched out in front of the van. It had straightened out, and the steep cliffs and rocky walls had morphed into gentle hills.
I squeezed my fingers around Fynn's hand, but I wasn't ready to speak. I was still stunned and in shock. It had been awhile since I had motion sickness, but I'd never experienced a surge of pure panic like I had in the last few minutes.
"Ella." The concern in Fynn's voice tugged at my heart.
Not wanting to move too fast and trigger it again, I turned my face slowly. His dark amber eyes were fraught with worry.
I squeezed his hand and tried my best to work up a smile, hoping it would ease his concern. "I'm all right." My voice had not recovered and it sounded rough, as if I'd just been woken from a deep sleep. "I don't know what happened back there. It must have been brought on by motion sickness. It was a panic attack but not like any I've ever had. I actually felt as if I was falling. My whole body felt as if I'd just gone over the top of a tall rollercoaster." As my heart rate slowed and the queasiness in my stomach calmed, I felt myself returning to normal, as if it had never happened.
Fynn was still silent with worry.
"I'm fine. I promise. I think it was just the excitement about the prospect of seeing the beach coupled with the fact that I rarely venture past the outer limits of Butterfield." I shook my head and forced a little laugh, hoping to erase the embarrassment I was feeling. "I really have to get out more. God, you must think I'm such a sheltered nerd."
"No, I'm not thinking anything except that you just scared the hell out of me. I can still turn this van around and take you back to Butterfield."
"No, please," the words shot out. "I'm dying to see the beach. Besides, the fresh air will do me good."
"If you're sure."
"Right now, Fynn, it's the only thing I am sure about."
Chapter Twenty-Four
Fynn
School wasn't out yet and it was still too early in the season for beach trips, so we had the sand to ourselves. It was late enough in the afternoon that a cool onshore wind whipped at the shoreline, but the brisk, relentless breeze didn't tamp down Ella's excitement.
She stared down at her bare feet as her toes wiggled back and forth. "The sand feels colder than I expected."
"That's because it's late in the day. You walk across this sand at noon on a hot August day, and I guarantee you'll be hopping along like you're on hot coals."
"Then we'll have to come back here on a very hot day." Ella continued on to the water. Boone followed close at her heels
with his favorite tennis ball clenched in his jaw. Whatever had overtaken Ella on the drive seemed to be gone now, almost as if it'd never happened. I was relieved to see her back to her cheerful self.
After treating myself to the luxury of watching Ella stroll along the water's edge with her long legs and perfect curves, I jogged to catch up to her. Boone dropped his ball directly at my feet. I picked it up and threw it.
"It sounds like you've been on this beach many times," Ella noted. "How far is your grandfather's farm?"
"About three hours away in Fairfield County, but I grew up in Langston."
Ella tried to tame back her long strands of hair as the wind kicked them up in every direction. "You did? You never told me that."
"Didn't I?"
"No, I would have remembered if you had. That's why you knew about Vernon's egg salad sandwiches." She stared at me as if she was trying to decipher why I'd never mentioned it. I kept my face like stone.
"I was sure I told you." Boone had returned the ball for another round. I used it as my excuse to finish the conversation.
Ella, too, had found her own diversion. The choppy water had attracted a flock of seagulls. They circled above the white crests searching for food, screeching as they worked hard to stay aloft in the wind.
Ella waded in far enough for the water to reach her knees. She lifted her hand to shade her eyes and watched the birds hunt. With her free hand, she grabbed hold of her hair, and held it like a ponytail.
The icy water circled my ankles as I walked into the tide to stand next to her. "So is it everything you imagined?"
"The size of it is sort of overwhelming. I mean it just stretches on and on." She ran her tongue along her bottom lip, a gesture that did not escape my notice. "I can taste the salt." She took a deep whiff of the air. "I think I can even smell it." She reached over and brushed her hand down my arm. "Thanks for bringing me here. I know it sounds silly, but I feel just a little less small town now that I've actually experienced the beach."
