by Falon Gold
“That day is coming faster than you think, now go, beautiful. I need to brush my teeth, and someone has to keep the natives from waking Majestic, but it’s probably too late and they’re already fighting over her. Great-grandma is probably winning… again.”
Mahogany gave me one last lip lock before quitting the room. Upon opening the door, she shrieked, “Majestic, you’re supposed to be sleep! Who gave her the chocolate and fries?”
I knew exactly what had happened. Mahogany had left the confiscated candy in easy-grabbing distance of Majestic, the carryout from Tommy’s. Before Mahogany could put either away for safekeeping with her purse on the night stand, I had kissed her, and she was going to figure that out any minute now. No way was I coming out the bathroom before she cooled off, so I locked the door.
“Chance!” Mahogany yelled as soon as the lock clicked into place.
The knob began twisting back and forth furiously.
“No one gave them to her, Mahogany,” my mother answered with amusement evident in her tone. “She had the bag and food opened when we got in here and she was too adorable to take it from her. The bathroom door was locked, so we decided not to interrupt whatever you two were doing in there.”
“Oh, I know whose fault this is, Dania. It’s your son’s. He distracted me before Majestic was fully asleep and before I could hide the food. Chance, you can’t hide in there forever! I need a washcloth for Majestic and you’ve got to come out sometime!”
She was right. The bathroom didn’t have a window, and I couldn’t take up residence in there. Well shit! Might as well get this over with.
*******
~Mahogany~
Keep your heart and hopes locked down, Mahogany, I repeated to myself in the cafeteria that I was ushered to by Chance and Dania, once he braved coming out of the bathroom. I sat alone and attempted to eat what was left on my lunch while they cleaned up Majestic and her bed. She’d had ten whole minutes to stroll mac-n-cheese, lightly-salted fries, and candy wrappers all over the sheets, and discover a new sweet to eat: toffee. That wasn’t anywhere near as bad as her father’s syrupy kisses that were doing me in mentally. The multiple orgasms he gave were taking me under, and the good side of him was messing with my head.
My strategy, to endure until he was done with me and gone back home was failing. I was slipping further into him as his goodness manifested more and more, making it harder and harder to not fall deeper for him. Except, I wasn’t sure if he had switched up plans while still meaning to hurt me or if there was or wasn’t a booby trap lying in wait for me after this one. Therefore, I was feeling low about my failure to maintain distance between Chance and my heart, and wanting to hit something. Just how vulnerable was I when it came to him? A whole hell of a lot apparently, and the strength to deny him anything wasn’t in place, as usual.
You should’ve remembered that before you agreed to ‘date’ him. Hindsight twenty/twenty and appetite gone, I picked at my food.
“Okay, we’re done,” Chance announced from behind me.
I whirled around as he approached, grinning at me. For the first time, that smile was a slap in the face and I didn’t want to see it, so I turned back around, continuing toying with my food.
“Question, Mahogany, what do you want the most?”
“A vacation,” I muttered as I stabbed the fried chicken thigh, desperately needing a getaway from my own stupid heart.
Chance took a seat in front of me, crossing his arms on the table top then leaning heavily on them toward me. “To where?
I sighed. “Well, the other day, I dreamed about a room at a lodge and a good book and if I’d had the book, I’d have robbed you of your bed at the resort. Hijacking your suite is the only way I’d ever stay somewhere besides my place, so I’m stuck with imagining a vacation and the book I’d read. Why?”
“Because you’ve earned whatever you want after Majestic, and I want to give it to you.” More spoiling from him that would boomerang on me later somehow probably. Yay! Not.
I paused in killing the meat twice to eye him. “You don’t have to.”
“I know that, Mahogany but I want to do it, and it’s as easy as dropping you off at the resort tomorrow night and going back to your apartment with Majestic. No hardship, so how fast can you pack?”
“I wouldn’t pack. No intentions of wearing clothes, and I wouldn’t leave Majestic so soon after she got home, though. Talk to me in about three months when she’s feeling well enough to dump out her shampoo in the tub when I’ve turned my back to grab a towel after giving her a bath. You don’t need to go out of your way from me though. I’m sure I can get a room for a night and a book in about oh… sixteen years. Children get more expensive every freaking year.”
He snorted. “I’m about to find out just how expensive, aren’t I? And I’m not going out of my way for you.” No surprise there concerning the new Chance, who had a bone the size of Mount Rushmore to pick with me.
“Who are you doing it for then?”
“Us.”
It was amazing that he thought there was an ‘us,’ after he had made a point of seeking my help so he could leave me behind in every way only a few days ago. Playing with me still. Ticking me off further.
“Why do it at all, Chance? There is no ‘us.’ Now, why am I reminding you of this?”
He reached over, stealing a fry from my plate that Majestic hadn’t gotten to. “Oh, there’s an us.”
“Since when?” I shrieked, tired of the games. “I thought you—”
He shook his head and grinned. “Don’t think. Just go with my flow.”
I was caught in his flow after the first voicemail was recorded on his phone, and being smashed against the rocks. “You’re confusing as shit, you know that, Chance?” And taking me by storm, with no shelter to be seen anywhere, not even inside me where my feelings and heart were supposed to be safe from him.
He angled his head sideways. “Am I confusing you?”
“Ah yeah.”
“Hmmph, well, I guess you’re going to have to figure out what I’m up to now, aren’t you?”
“Now? Has your original plan changed? And you could just tell me if it has.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
I guess his game plan has changed, but what did that mean for me? I had the sneaking suspicion he wasn’t going to tell me and that only made me overly alert, exactly what I should’ve been around him from the beginning.
“Well, not knowing isn’t fun for me, Chance.”
If I could just catch one break with this man, I’d be grateful.
“Well, I am enjoying the hell out of you not knowing, Mahogany, and I think you might enjoy what I have planned.”
I might enjoy it now, but what about later? My fork clattered against the plate as I dropped both elbows on the table and glowered at him. Suddenly, I was just too fed up with my gullible self and his damn plans to not lash out.
“There was a lot of I’s in that sentence, but it was all about you, wasn’t it, Chance? Just be straight with me for a change. How much of you coming here was all about you? Did the opportunity to pay me back for leaving without telling you I was pregnant drive you here instead of Majestic almost dying?”
He held my gaze for what seemed like the longest time as the light in his eyes dimmed. I hadn’t saw them that bright since the day before the last one when we both were in Utah. It was official: I had hit something soft in him, though no physical smack had passed between us, but his expression was darkening as if I had struck him. I had broken the first rule of fair fighting: use ‘I’ and your own feelings to get your point across. I had used ‘I’ alright, referring to him the whole time. Because I knew the rule, read it somewhere, there was no excuse for what I had done. Only, I had valid excuses: I just wanted the truth, wanted our old relationship back, except I may have just fought too dirty to establish a direct line of communication, all because my emotions were in an upheaval.
I rubbed at my tired eyes. �
��Shit, Chance, I’m—”
“Stop.”
I froze, with ‘sorry’ dangling from the tip of my tongue.
He swallowed deeply. “All this is my own fault for keeping secrets, so here’s what you wanted to know. That sentence was about you, Mahogany, who couldn’t have struck a lower blow when insinuating I came here mainly to get back at you, my dying daughter just an afterthought or excuse to do it. It was more like get here, do what I had to for Majestic, then get back with you but I didn’t know that’s what I really wanted until last night. When I tried ‘all about me,’ it was still all about you. If I was capable of making it all about me, you would have never gotten away in the first place. I would’ve handcuffed you to my bed the first time I laid you down on it, so you couldn’t get away and no other man would ever see let alone touch you again. I wouldn’t have kept my feelings bottled up inside so as not to scare you with how intense they were after I’d already scared you with how much of a bastard I can be, and you would’ve known long before now that there was no getting over you like I’ve found out. Especially after you gave me someone as precious as Majestic. Thank you for that because if you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t know what I was missing out on when I decided having kids was not for me. I wouldn’t trade Majestic for the world. As for it being all about me...”
He paused to rock in his seat as if getting more comfortable, settling into the serious talk he wanted to have tonight. “…if I was really that selfish, we would’ve married while you were in school. Vacation would’ve consisted of us being in a room together, a book nowhere on your radar because I’d have been inside you until it was time to go home, and it would’ve been our home that we returned to. I am sorry that I couldn’t see past my own hurt pride to how much I still cared for you when I got here. It’s because of how much I’d cared for you that my pride was able to get in the way. It’s no fun loving someone that can just up and leave you without one word why, only to find out they left because they were hiding something or rather someone from you, but I’ve learned since then that maybe you’ve got some things bottled up inside you concerning me too. It’s just not all what I thought you was feeling.”
“What did you think it all was?” I asked so quietly my own ears struggled to hear me.
“I hoped love, Mahogany.”
“It… it is, and since we’re speaking truthfully, it’s impossible to get over you too. I’ve tried, strategized, and failed. I think that shit only works for you.”
“Maybe so, but you’re a little bitter now like I was too. Sad thing is that I didn’t know I was. When I realized it last night while watching you sleep, I was already getting over the bitterness and the reason for it: you didn’t fight for us. You’re not over yours yet because it’s just started for you and I caused it by trying to erase you from here.” He palmed his chest. “I’m sorry for that. I wish I was perfect, but I’m not, so I’m going to give you time to get past what I’ve done to you now. No hurry though.”
“I’m over it,” I confessed.
His heartfelt thank you and apology and once-desperately-sought-after openness with me lessened years of hidden pains down to twinges, left me speechless, and wondering about the future that didn’t have to be perfect just have him in it.
Chapter Fourteen
~Mahogany~
There was no getting over you, he said in past tense. ‘Would’ve been our home’ was declared in what sounded like ‘but not now’ form. Had there been a chance for us to reunite when I woke up this morning? Had I just closed any opening to be with him by taking my anger at my heart out on him? I had no clue about any of the answers, but I wasn’t the only thing clueless in the room. My mouth didn’t get the memo that no words would be exiting it anytime soon, so it flailed open and closed while my mind filled up with questions. The sorrowful look on his face attested to him not forecasting pain for me anymore, but where exactly did we stand now? Did he think he had done what was best for me when he didn’t track me down years ago? How wrong he was, and I’d have told him that if his phone hadn’t rung the very moment I could speak again.
“Chance Middleton,” he answered while watching me. “I’ll be back Friday morning, Julia… Most of the things I wanted to do have been taken care of here so far, but I still need to show Mahogany the properties you found then get her and Majestic moved before I come back home for work.”
‘Home’ meant we had arrived at the point of no return. My heart dive-bombed into my lap as I began to hyperventilate silently. Someone had sucked all the air out of the room and my lungs didn’t have enough in them to make any sort of noise. I was worried about when he’d go and now, I knew. Would have to let him go much later than I anticipated but it was still too soon. If I had him for forever, it wouldn’t be long enough.
God, I would always love this man, faults and all, I complained to myself, suddenly even more exhausted than I had been this morning. Today had been the longest of days and it was only midday. I had just enough energy to watch his mouth closely as it ejected the prediction for my future that would take place without him and Majestic at the center of it.
“No, Julia, reschedule the meeting for the following Monday but leave all my weekends free from now on. Oh, I’ll email you some ideas I have for the presentation… Okay, see you then. Bye.”
My last chance to make him understand I never stopped loving him was pending but quickly fading as he resolved himself to a weekend father. Nothing else was possible when his home and business was out of state.
“Chance—”
He swiped through air with his hand. “No, I wasn’t done. I was keeping things I wanted to do for you to myself because I wanted to inch you into our happily ever after with surprises, each one better than the last, cementing how much I still loved you, eventually proving I was still the good guy you knew. I didn’t think I had the right to rush you to be with me after I’d rushed to get over you, but the one thing I will never do is be with someone that could think I’d put my own needs before my child. The idea to love you physically until I didn’t emotionally didn’t enter my mind until after you left the second message when I was airborne over Arrow’s airport. No matter how angry or foolish I’m being, Mahogany, the people I love will always come first.”
“Chance, I needed to know why you were truly here. Yes, I was being nasty when I asked because I was angry with me and you, but you took the brunt of my pissiness, but we’re different people now and I didn’t know where I stood with you or how much you’ve changed after we separated like we did. I was angry because my heart won’t let me extract the feelings for you from it, and it probably will never let them go. The surprises would be great if I knew which part of your heart they were coming from: the bastard furious with me or the good guy that once loved me.”
“The thing is, Mahogany,” he stopped to take both my hands in his, “both sides of me loved you. Even when I was trying to cause you pain, I was causing myself more. I didn’t last two whole days before I realized being shitty to you was the same as being shitty to myself, which is just stupid. I would’ve done anything you wanted, no matter what it was.”
Was. Past tense again. I had finally killed whatever he felt for me by mistrusting him. Well, killing his feelings was the plan, wasn’t it? But I was dying inside now that the task was over. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
I dropped my head and railed at my own damn self for being so paranoid, but what else was I supposed to be when someone demanded me to date them in the name of getting over me while intending to hurt me in the process? And then, he flipped on me. So, I should’ve been suspicious of him, my doubts right on point. I won’t apologize for them though they had cost me what I wanted almost as much as I wanted my baby girl to live. Now, I had to live without Chance, with only the part of him in Majestic, and be okay with it. Again. Easier said than done for a second time.
Attempting to get myself together before I shattered into pieces, I balled my fists up in his hands and s
queezed my eyes shut, pushing my feelings deep down inside me until later when they’d be allowed to bubble up the top, to be felt thoroughly, vented, lived through, then laid to rest along with any relationship I once had or could’ve had with Chance. When I lifted my head again, his regretful smile greeted me. He didn’t know regrets like I knew them though.
I choked on a sudden lump in my throat, close to the unhappiest I had ever been, watching our child slowly leave this world the worst. Chance slowly leaving my world was running a close second. Pure torture was him still being here, holding my hands, holding me together when I knew he’d be gone in five days. What would happen when he let go of my hands? God willing, I’d survive that too. Would love the pieces of him that he’d gift to me until he went home, if he gave me anymore. Would say goodbye whether I was ready or not.
I gripped his fingers tighter, then smiled back. “Chance. I’m so glad you’re free of me now, little bird.”
At least one of us was released from this painful love finally. Giving him what I couldn’t get was something I cherished being able to do for someone, anyone, and I was satisfied with that until he flew into my world. Generosity wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I wanted to be selfish, tie him to a bed, and keep him forever, but I won’t.
He tilted his head and chuckled. “What about you? What are you free of?”
Nothing.
I heaved air into my lungs only to sound strangled when I replied, “It doesn’t matter about me. I just wish you all the best and never will I doubt what you’ll do for Majestic again. You’ve proven you’d do anything for her at the drop of a voicemail, no questions asked.”
His smile became brighter than any sun. “Good. That’s what I wanted to hear, the part where you won’t doubt me again, not that you don’t matter because you do. Always have. Always will to me.” Just not in the way I want to matter to him anymore.
He slipped his fingers from mine unhurriedly then stood up. “I have to get back. My mother has probably stolen Majestic away to the nearest store and bought whatever her grandchild pointed at with the card I gave her for emergencies. Come to the room if you want or go home and rest if you want. You need it.”
