Liz did not have to say much, just listen, and she was happy to be distracted and kept busy. Her mind kept wandering, and she was thinking of Kristan and what she would be doing right now at the hospital. Flicking that switch, turning the ventilator off, saying good-bye to her best friend. Liz was careful not to think about it for too long.
She realised that Kelly had stopped talking suddenly and was looking at her curiously, and she shook herself.
"I'm sorry, what?" she asked.
"I was saying, did you happen to know what time Kris was coming back?"
Liz shook her head no.
"I need her to sign off on some invoices."
"Okay. Well, as soon as I hear from her I'll tell her to pop round."
Kelly gave a triumphant smile.
"So you think you'll be seeing her first, eh?" she exclaimed. "I knew you two had something going on."
She burst out laughing when Liz blushed and got up to give her a hug.
"If you ask me, it's about time she found somebody like you," she added. "I knew nothing was ever going to happen with Mike, but you..." And she stopped to appraise Liz slowly. "You look lovely, and I appreciate your taking the time to spend the morning helping out. That’s very kind of you."
"Well, I want to help," Liz said simply.
"I can see that," the older woman said with an approving nod. "But before we do, I would like to have lunch with you and find out all about you. How about it, darling?"
Laughing, and more than a little nervous, Liz agreed.
It was dark again by the time Kristan arrived back at the Park. Liz had been keeping an eye out for her. She watched her climb out of her truck, and for a few seconds Kristan just stood there staring into space. Unaware that anyone was watching her, she leaned with her back against the car and lowered her head, and when her shoulders started to shake Liz understood that she was crying.
Her first impulse was to run to her, but then she stopped.
Would Kristan want her there? Would she want someone talking to her right now, or would she want to be left alone to grieve in peace? As she hesitated, Liz remembered the look in Kristan's eyes the previous night when she had kissed her, and the careful, intimate way she had made love to her all night. And Liz did not need anything else to know exactly what she should do.
The sound of footsteps on gravel alerted Kristan that someone was coming, and her first impulse was to hide. Then she recognised her lover and a huge sense of relief washed over her.
"Hi baby," Liz greeted her softly.
She pulled her into her arms, and Kristan leaned into the embrace and buried her face against the side of her neck.
“Hi, doc.”
“I like it when you call me doc,” Liz murmured, smiling.
Kristan breathed deeply.
"I'm so glad you're here," she murmured. "You have no idea."
Liz hugged her hard.
"I think I do. How are you? How did it go today?”
“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Kristan said tightly.
Liz looked at her and nodded a little.
“But you did it,” she said. “You are so incredibly brave, and I am so proud of you...”
Kristan rested against her for a minute longer. She was feeling so disconnected from everything, and once more Liz felt like pure oxygen to her.
“How are you doing?" she asked after a while.
Liz smiled at her, touched that Kristan would ask.
"I'm fine. I needed something to do today so I spent the day with Kelly in the cafe. Helping out and chatting. Kelly’s lovely."
Kristan looked surprised and pleased all at the same time.
"That’s great, Liz. I'm glad you two got on," she said. "Thank you for helping out also. Even though you don't have to work."
"Like I said, I wanted to," Liz said softly. "It's no problem. Now, tell me about you. How are you feeling?"
Kristan just shrugged.
"Oh, you know. I'm all right."
Liz was beginning to understand that this was Kristan’s default setting. Being ‘all right’, being ‘okay’, obviously would always be her first answer, regardless of what was happening to her or how hard it was affecting her.
Liz simply nodded, not wanting to push, and she held her close as Kristan started to walk them back toward the cottage. Just letting her know she cared by being present. Letting her know it would be okay if ever she wanted to talk.
"You know what?” Kristan said then.
“What?” Liz said in the same tone.
Kristan smiled a little.
“If Mike could have seen me, he would have yelled at me for being such a softie.”
"He probably did see you," Liz remarked.
She was glad when she got a weak chuckle out of Kristan.
"Probably," she agreed. "Probably made him roll his eyes a few times."
She was trying to act normal, act easy, and yet she was pale and she looked exhausted, and when they came into view of the lake and the cottage she slowed a little and then stopped completely.
"I think I need a minute," she murmured.
"Of course. I'll be inside, okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks. I won't be long."
"You take as long as you need, honey."
"Liz, I..."
Liz simply raised her hand.
"It's okay, Kris. You go do what you need to do. Then you come back to me."
Kristan nodded, and she immediately walked off toward the forest.
As soon as she was out of sight of Liz and the cottage she started to run.
She sprinted through the trees, going hard, as fast as she could, uphill for as long as she could. She slipped on a patch of mud, fell, got up and went at it again, harder, until she fell again and the tears caught up with her and it became too hard to breathe.
Panting, she found the nearest tree and stood in front of it. She breathed deeply, made her right hand into a fist and hit the tree three times in rapid succession, as hard as she could. The third time brought fresh tears to her eyes, and she cried out when she connected with it.
It hurt but that did not stop her, and she delivered another few hard punches. Pain flashed through her fingers and up into her arm, hot and intense and incredibly good. She welcomed it, focused on it, let it take away the feelings. It was not the first time she had resorted to self-harm. It worked. She was fine with it, now more than ever.
After a few seconds she flexed her fingers slowly. She had not hit hard enough to break her hand, but it was swollen and cut and already starting to bruise. Kristan exhaled sharply, feeling oddly relieved. There would be no panic attack now, she knew. Just pain, and she was used to that. She leaned against the tree and simply cried for a while.
Meanwhile Liz had turned her back, walked to the cottage, pushed the door open and then closed it quietly behind her.
She went through Kristan's CD collection, smiling when she realised they had the same taste in music. She put Lady Antebellum on the player, lit fresh candles, and started a fire.
She opened the freezer and looked for one of Mike's specials, selecting mushroom shepherd's pie which would be warming and filling, and just the right kind of food for Kristan who she suspected had not eaten a thing since the day before.
She very consciously thought about Mike as she handled his food, silently blessing him and thanking him for being a best friend to the woman she knew she had begun to fall madly in love with.
She poured wine and set the table, and when Kristan walked in she simply smiled at her and took her jacket from her. She ignored the mud on her jeans and pretended she could not see the blood on her hand.
"You're all good, stud?" she asked simply.
"Yeah," Kristan replied, and her voice was raw and broken.
"Are you hungry?"
Kristan blinked. She hesitated.
"Yes; I am," she said eventually.
Liz beamed at her and leaned in for a gentle kiss.
"That's gr
eat news," she said.
Suddenly, Kristan became aware of the wonderful smell coming from the kitchen. She became aware of the music playing softly in the background, and as she walked closer to the fireplace it was as if something shifted inside her.
She suddenly noticed the candles, felt the warmth of the fire, and she did not want to feel pain anymore.
Or be alone.
"Here you go, honey."
Kristan accepted the glass of wine from Liz, staring at it for just a second, and then she really focused on her face and noticed the look in her eyes. It was sadness and uncertainty, and mixed in with that, strength and a promise for the future.
Kristan set her glass on the table and wrapped her arms around Liz's waist. She kissed her. She took her time, and the kiss was soft, warm, and reassuring.
When she pulled back Liz was smiling, and Kristan smiled back at her.
"I love you," she said with feeling. "I know I haven't known you long and a lot has happened since, but it doesn't matter."
"Well. At last you're talking sense, woman," Liz said softly.
She was smiling still and her eyes were full of tears. Tears of joy.
She grabbed a fistful of Kristan's shirt and looked deep into her eyes.
"It was really hard for me to let you go just now, you know."
Kristan nodded a little.
"Yes. I'm sorry. I just had to be alone for a moment."
"I don't like it that you hurt yourself when I wasn't looking. I don't like it at all."
Kristan glanced at her hand.
"I just..." She hesitated. "Sometimes it helps."
"And it's scary for me to think about you doing it."
Kristan bit her lower lip, looking down at her hand with a little frown on her face.
"Yeah. I can see that," she murmured.
"Next time you need some release, perhaps you can do it differently," Liz said gently. "You know? Like maybe you can get it with me. Talk or whatever else you need. Just don’t hurt yourself like that again, Kristan. I won’t have it. Okay?"
Kristan leaned over for another soft kiss.
"You're talking a lot of sense too," she murmured.
"I always do; you just got to listen," Liz exclaimed, laughing now. "So, why don't you grab a shower and a change of clothes? Then we can eat."
And just like that, she moved them on again.
Kristan hugged her briefly. All of a sudden it felt like another layer of sadness and hurt had just been lifted off her shoulders, and she owed it to Liz.
She showered quickly, put on an old pair of jeans, a jumper that was too big for her, thick socks, and she padded back into the kitchen.
"Is that Mike's food smelling fantastic in the oven?" she asked, smiling.
"Yes. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind at all, and Mike would be happy that we are enjoying his food," Kristan interrupted, her eyes sparkling with emotion. "I reckon he owes us a good meal after all he's put us through.”
“So do I,” Liz smiled.
“You know what, I really ought to learn how to cook."
“I could teach you.”
“Cool.”
“You could teach me to fly in exchange.”
Kristan smiled brightly.
“That’s a great idea, doc.”
She glanced around the room and nodded thoughtfully.
"Thank you so much for all this," she said simply. "It's perfect."
The night was theirs and so they took it. They ate slowly, kissed slowly and talked for hours. When they went to bed Kristan lay on her stomach and buried her face into the pillow. She was exhausted, but she looked back when Liz straddled her back.
"Relax," Liz ordered.
"What are you doing?"
"Giving you a massage."
"Really? Wow; you really are one of a kind..."
Liz gave a little laugh.
"You’ll owe me one back," she joked. "Gosh, you're so tight I can't believe you can still move," she added, and she started to work on the painful knots in Kristan's shoulders.
As she worked she narrowed her eyes at the thick scar that started just behind her shoulder and snaked its way down her right arm. She traced it with her finger and poked Kristan in the back of the neck.
"Hey you. What's this? How come I didn't notice it last night?" she asked.
"Too busy driving me crazy, probably," Kristan smiled, her voice muffled by the pillow.
She chuckled.
"I’m serious. What happened?" Liz insisted.
Kristan just closed her eyes and gave a light shrug.
"It's nothing," she said. "Just ligament damage."
Liz rolled her eyes.
"Oh really? Must have been one hell of a bad surgeon."
She stretched out next to Kristan and raised herself up on an elbow.
She gazed at her, smiling faintly.
"You are such a bad liar," she observed.
“Yeah? What’s my tell?”
Liz pulled back when Kristan tried to kiss her.
"No. Not until you tell me your story," she said. "I want to know."
"About the scar?"
"All of it. And also about the things that Mike's brother said on the road yesterday."
Kristan's glacier blue eyes instantly grew a little darker.
“I want to know you,” Liz insisted. “I don’t want any secrets between us.”
“I don’t want any secrets between us either,” Kristan said quickly. She smiled a little when she caught Liz’s serious look.
"Okay," she murmured. "Okay, I’ll tell you."
She turned over and stuck another pillow behind her back, laughing when Liz draped her leg over hers and wrapped her arm around her waist.
"I won't run off, you know," she said softly.
"I know, I just like holding you," Liz replied. "So come on," she added with a quick smile. "Tell me about you. I don't scare easily, I promise."
Kristan snuggled closer against her, and Liz rested her right hand on her heart. Kristan covered it with her own and she took a deep breath.
“So you know I’m American, right?” she started.
“Your accent kind of gives that away. I like it.”
“I like yours too.”
“Don’t change the subject,” Liz said gently.
Kristan nodded.
"When I was twenty-one I got a job with a computer programming firm in Silicon Valley. I was good. I wrote a program we sold to the Pentagon, and I made a lot of money, very quickly.”
“You were a nerd?” Liz blurted out.
Kristan burst out laughing.
“Yeah,” she chuckled. “I guess I was. Still am when it comes to helicopters.”
Liz raised an eyebrow.
“How much money?” she asked.
“A lot. I had a few cars, a big house, a swimming pool; lots of invites to parties, and open access to any amount of alcohol and drugs I wanted.”
Liz’s expression grew troubled.
Kristan glanced at her and saw it, and her voice got a little bit huskier.
“I was young. It was hard not to take advantage of everything on offer. I got hooked on alcohol pretty quickly, and then it was only a matter of weeks until I was on cocaine."
"Oh, Kris," Liz murmured.
Kristan gave a light shrug.
“Mike must have told James about it, maybe as an incentive to get sober. From the way he was shouting at me the other day, it looks like it didn't work."
"If only it were that easy.”
"It's easy to get on it, hell to stop. Of course I didn't care then. I was on my own, I could do what I wanted. It was exciting and I didn’t really have an off switch.”
Liz shook her head a little.
“That’s a very dangerous way to be.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Have you found that off switch now?”
“I have.”
Liz nodded.
“So what happened?�
�
“Well, it's a bit fuzzy. For two years it seemed like this huge party that would never end. I had job offers coming out of my ears, I was high all the time, and rich. I was also working pretty much twenty-four seven. Until one day I went out to a party, and woke up in hospital a week later. I can’t remember a single thing that happened. But I was high, and drunk, and driving.”
Kristan felt Liz stiffen against her.
“I crashed my car. Fortunately it was the middle of the night and no one else got hurt.”
"So that's how you got that scar."
"Yeah. I nearly lost my arm. Almost tore it off my shoulder. They had to repair some ligaments and stuff."
Liz closed her eyes for a second. She rested her hand on the side of Kristan's face, and turned her head toward her so she could look her in the eye.
"Any other injuries I should know about?" she asked wryly.
Kristan smiled at little at the way she said that.
"Nothing else, doc," she said.
Liz exhaled slowly.
"Good. So you moved to New Zealand after the accident?"
“Yes. When I got out of hospital I sold my house, the cars, and everything I owned. Then I flew down here and used all of my money to buy the Park and set up the Activity Centre. I haven't touched drugs, or alcohol, since the day I left the US.”
Liz nodded slowly.
"So that's why you didn't drink tonight either," she reflected.
“Right.”
“You bought the wine just for me?”
“Yes. It’s not a problem for me if you want to have a drink. I just can’t.”
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you would have asked me why,” Kristan sighed. “You know, I named the Park Whānau Anō. It means ‘Born Again’ in Maori. A new start. I don’t like talking about the past."
Liz nodded thoughtfully, and she made a mental note to never drink again in front of Kristan from now on. Actually, it would be a good idea to be like her and give up alcohol entirely.
“What about your family? Your friends?” she asked.
Kristan shook her head.
“I grew up in care. I have no family. And the friends I had at the time were so busy making millions they probably never realised I was gone.”
"So Mike was..." Liz hesitated.
"My family?" Kristan finished for her. "Yeah."
Unbroken Page 8
