by S. M. Soto
“So, Margaret, you said you’re working now? What do you do?” Natalia asks, breaking the heavy silence in the kitchen.
Margaret settles into a chair and nervously runs a hand over her hair, taming the fly-aways.
“I work for a temp agency. I’ve been working as a receptionist for the last three months. It’s going pretty good, so far. I think they might ask me to stay on as a permanent position.” Her gaze quickly flits to mine, but I give off no outward emotion. I keep my face expressionless as I watch her talk. The way her mouth moves and her eyes shine, I take it all in.
As a child, I never paid much attention to my mother, but being away from her for nearly twenty years, I can’t help but watch her like she’s an alien. Something for me to try to figure out.
“That’s great, Margaret,” Natalia says, and Margaret smiles uncomfortably. Her hand flutters to her throat as she fiddles with the dainty silver chain around her neck.
“What about you girls?” she asks suddenly. “What do you girls do?”
“Well, I go to school at San Diego State. I’m just about finished with my program before I can become a counselor,” Natalia says with pride in her voice. Natalia turns toward Aliza with an expectant look on her face.
“I waitress at a restaurant that my boyfriend owns, along with Natalia, and Samantha bartends there with us.”
Margaret stares at me for beat, her head cocked to the side like she’s trying to understand me—read me like a book.
“That’s great. I’m sure it’s much easier to work with people you care about rather than strangers.”
“It is,” I say suddenly, steel in my tone. Margaret jolts violently at the sound of my voice. I haven’t spoken a word this whole time that we’ve been here, until now.
The way she was looking at me, at us, it was almost like she was judging us. Like she, of all people, has any right to judge anyone. I could be wrong. Maybe I’m mistaken. Maybe the look on her face wasn’t what I thought it was.
“How have you been, Samantha?”
Margaret finally asks the question I’ve been waiting for her to ask. My spine stiffens, and my hackles rise with indignation as I stare at her. At the woman who was supposed to love me and be a role model. I stare at the woman who gave me life and wish she hadn’t ruined it so epically. My lip curls in anger and my hands ball into fists on the table.
“How have I been?” I ask in a deathly calm tone. I feel Natalia and Aliza stiffen beside me when they hear the anger, no doubt realizing how upset I am. “Well, let’s see, Margaret. I spent the first seven years of my life starving at the hands of a crack whore who allowed her dealer to molest me.” All the color drains from my mother’s face as I go on. “Then, I was moved from foster home to foster home where I had to endure more men raping me. Oh, then, I ran away and lived on the street for a whole year before moving to San Diego, where I had to spend my entire high school life living in a shelter like some poor, fucking loser.”
Tears glisten in my mother’s eyes as she places a trembling hand over her mouth.
“I stripped for cash and worked low-end jobs just to fucking survive. I’ve spent my entire life fucking my past away, sleeping with men that think I’m trash, all the while throwing away my only chance at love with the only man who has my heart.” Aliza places a gentle hand on my forearm, trying to get me to stop, but I shrug it off and keep going. “I slept with a married man who is a vile piece of shit, and thought I was nothing more than undeserving trash. So, Mom,” I taunt. “How the fuck do you think I’m doing?”
A pained sob tears through the kitchen as Margaret breaks down in her seat, listening to the horrors that are my life. Natalia grips my hand in hers, squeezing tightly.
“Stop, Samantha. You made your point,” she whispers.
“You two can go,” I say, not even sparing them a glance. My gaze is glued to Margaret as she breaks down.
“Sam…” Natalia trails off, her voice unsure.
“Just wait outside for me. I’d like to speak to her alone.”
Aliza and Natalia share wary looks before rising from their seats and quietly leaving the kitchen. Margaret’s sobs and sniffles are the only sounds in the otherwise silent kitchen. I watch as my mother breaks down before me and I feel no sympathy, no need to comfort her. I just want her to understand, to feel the pain I’ve felt for the last twenty-five years.
“I’m so sorry, Sammy,” she cries hoarsely.
The pressure in my nose and behind my eyes builds and I shake my head. “Don’t call me that. You have no right to call me that. I hate you,” I whisper, my voice trembling with emotion as I fight back the tears. “I hate you so much for what you’ve done to me, for what you’ve made me become.”
“I know, baby girl, I know,” she sobs, with tears in her eyes.
“No, you don’t know!” I yell, slamming my palm down on the table. “You don’t know what it’s like. What I’ve had to live through.”
Margaret mops up her tears with sleeve of her shirt and sniffles, staring at me with puffy, determined eyes. “I hate myself, too, you know,” she says quietly, “and you’re wrong, I do know what it’s like. I’ve been where you are, Samantha. But I wasn’t as strong as you—I don’t think I’ll ever be.” She shakes her head back and forth slowly as she tries to get her next words out.
“My mother was…hell to live with. She forgot about me most of the time while she was getting high or drunk, just like…just like I did with you.” Her voice cracks, but she clears her throat, pushing forward. “I didn’t have an easy life. The State never came in and saved me from my mother, and I think that’s the difference between us, Samantha. They got you out just in time. I, on the other hand, I was already too tainted by Mother and her choices. When things got hard, I turned to drugs, because it was all I knew, it was all I ever saw at home.”
Margaret shifts her gaze out the kitchen window, stuck inside her own head, remembering a life I can’t see.
“See, the thing with drugs…they make you feel incredible, like you’re on top of the world, but when it’s over, and everything comes down? It’s the worst feeling in the world, Samantha. You feel like dying, because you’re back in that same place you were just trying to escape from. That blissful paradise is yanked right from under your feet without warning. And when I had you, I tried to change, I tried to be better, God knows I did, but I wasn’t strong enough. It’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, hating myself for abandoning my only child.”
We sit in silence at the table. Neither one of us dares to say a word. Using the stillness around me, I process everything she’s just said. She’s right. There are differences between us, big differences, and the biggest for me is that after watching my mother struggle with her drug addiction, even as a kid, I promised myself I’d never touch the stuff. I didn’t want to end up like her. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes. Even when I was angry, and I just wanted a brief moment to escape reality, I never once turned to drugs. It was never an option.
I’ll truly never know what’s it’s like to struggle with an addiction. To fight the battle so many times, only to keep losing. I have no right to judge my mother, just like she has no right to judge me. For once in my life, I want to stop pretending my past doesn’t affect me, but face it head on.
I stare down at my hands. My fingers nervously pick at hangnails until the skin around my nailbeds bleeds. Clearing my throat, I tuck my hands under the table and finally meet my mother’s gaze. “I’m twelve weeks pregnant, as of yesterday.” Margaret’s eyes widen at my announcement. “The father, Alex, he…he wants to be part of the baby’s life, but he wants nothing to do with me. I’ve spent nine years keeping him at a distance because I knew he deserved better. He still does.”
Margaret gives me a small smile. “He loves you. I saw it in his eyes when he talked about you. It made me happy that after everything I’ve put you through, you still managed to find love.”
“I fucked that up
,” I mumble.
“You’re wrong, you know,” she says suddenly, after sipping her tea. “When you’re in love, there’s no right and wrong. No one person is better than the other, it’s just the two of you. Nobody is better than you, Samantha. You’re a strong woman who has endured more than you deserve. So many people think they’re inferior because of where they came from, and how they lived, but at the end of the day, we’re all the same. When we die, we’re all buried the same way. We can’t take our pain with us. We can’t take our money or power with us. It’s just ourselves.”
Closing my eyes, I suck in a sharp breath, knowing she’s right. For nine years, I let my own fears get in the way of my relationship with Alex. It wasn’t that he deserved better. I just thought he did because I didn’t see the good in myself. I didn’t deem myself a worthy candidate in his eyes, or the eyes of Victoriana.
“He fell in love with you for a reason, Sammy. There’s no such thing as someone deserving better. You are that something better, just like he is. I don’t know everything about your relationship as a couple, but what I do know is the two of you will always be stronger together. I won’t tell you what to do or how to live your life. I lost that right a long time ago, but I ask that you don’t let your past affect your future. That was my mistake. Once this baby comes, it’ll change your life, for the better, that I’m sure of. Just make sure your past doesn’t taint your bright future.”
We stare at each other in silence for a beat. Something unravels in my chest, and slowly wraps around my heart as I stare at my mother, seeing her in a completely new light. Wringing my hands together under the table, I ask her the only question that matters.
“Are you still clean?”
She smiles proudly. “Four months and going. I’ve never felt better.”
I nod my head, taking it all in. Four months of no drugs doesn’t seem like a lot, but I know for her, it’s a huge deal, and some small part of me is proud. I’ve seen first-hand just how much she relied on drugs. I’m surprised she’s got this far.
“As long as you stay clean, I’d…I’d like you to be part of my child’s life.”
Margaret’s eyes gloss over and her lips tremble as she fights the onslaught of tears. “I would love nothing more, Samantha.”
In that moment, as I stare across the table, smiling at my mother, something lifts off my shoulders. That heavy, suffocating weight is suddenly gone, and I couldn’t feel more relieved. That doesn’t mean I’ve completely forgiven Margaret, or myself, for the decisions made in the past, but it’s a start, and that’s all that really matters right now.
I spend a good hour conversing with Margaret before I remember the girls. We say our goodbyes and when my mother comes in for a hug, I don’t push her away like I planned so many times in my head. No, this time, I hug her back and hold on for dear life.
“So, what now?” Aliza and Natalia ask as we walk back to the car. I turn to my best friends and smile.
“It’s time to win my man back.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
It’s been two months since I told Alex about the baby. Our baby. He texts often to check in, but never oversteps his bounds. I haven’t forgotten about what Natalia said—I needed to grovel. I knew on some level that was necessary, but the truth was, I didn’t know how to grovel. I didn’t know the first thing about winning a guy back. I never had to, until now. It’s fucking exhausting.
I’ve never been one to feel regret, or guilt, but lately I’ve felt it in spades. I want to apologize to Alex, lay it all out for him so he can finally understand, but how in the hell was I supposed to do that? It was an impossible task. Even I knew that.
Scouring the online ads, I try to find any local places hiring. Aliza insists CJ is okay with me taking my job back at the Bar and Grille, but I don’t know if I want that. I’m going to be a mother. Is bartending really the sort of job I want to provide for my child with? I grimace at the thought.
“What about a receptionist?” Aliza offers, “You can sit behind a desk answering phones all day and when your stomach starts to get bigger, the desk will work as a shield to hide your belly.”
Natalia sputters a laugh. “Have you ever heard Samantha say anything without cursing? Receptionist is a no.”
Aliza screws up her face and nods her head in agreement. I deflate against the chair and drop my head onto the kitchen table.
“Oh, c’mon Sammy, it’s not so bad. You’ll find something, don’t worry.” Aliza says reassuringly.
I lift my head and give her a look that says, “zip it”. “How the hell am I supposed to support a child and myself if I can’t even find a decent job?”
“You won’t be doing anything on your own, Samantha. Alex and all of us are here to help you, whenever you need it,” Aliza says and the conviction in her voice makes me smile despite the anxiety I get when I think about the future.
“Have you talked to him yet?”
My heart constricts at Natalia’s question. She already knows the answer, so I don’t know why she insists on tearing my heart to shreds. Oh yeah, that’s right, she’s a sadist who gets off on other people’s pain.
Ignoring her question, I push around the remaining leaves of lettuce on my plate, trying not to let my mind drift to Alex. It hurts too much. I’ve gotten so used to having him in my life, and now that I don’t have him, it’s like I can’t breathe. Just the thought of not having him in my life in the way that I want is enough to crush me. It’ll hurt like all hell, only seeing him because of our child, but I only have myself to blame.
“Here,” Natalia says, thrusting my phone at me from her position across the table. “Just call him. Talk to him. At least do something, Samantha. I thought you had a plan to win him back. What the hell happened?”
“What do I look like to you, Natalia, some cheesy eighties romance movie fixer-upper?”
Aliza squints her eyes in confusion. “What does that even mean?”
“It means, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m in over my head here.”
Natalia pinches the bridge of her nose in exasperation before shoving the phone in my face again, shaking the damn thing impatiently, waiting for me to take it. With a roll of my eyes, I snatch the phone from her.
“You’re a royal pain in the ass, you know that, right?” I grumble. She lifts an incredulous brow.
“Well, look who’s talking.”
A laugh bubbles past Aliza’s lips and she tries to cover it up with a cough, failing miserably.
With the phone grasped tightly in my hand, I sit on the edge of my bed and stare down at the black screen. I wage an internal war. I want to talk to him and hear his voice, but I’m afraid of what he’ll say. My heart won’t be able to take it.
These goddamn hormones have me all over place. One minute I’m content and happy, and the next I’m crying on those fucking dog commercials. I’ve never even owned an animal!
I take a deep breath and lick my dry lips as my finger slides across the screen of Natalia’s phone. Of course, the wallpaper is a disgustingly cute picture of her and Luke kissing. Cue the eye roll.
Pulling up Alex’s contact information, I hit Call. My heart hammers in my chest as it clicks a few times before the ringing ceases, and Alex’s confused voice fills the line.
“Natalia?”
His voice hits me square in the chest, knocking the air right out of me. I hastily clear my throat.
“No, it’s me.”
“Samantha,” he asks, “is everything okay?”
I clear my throat again, trying to stop acting like a pussy and find my voice. “Yeah, everything is fine,” I say, feigning normalcy. “Can we meet somewhere? At your place, or wherever, I just…I need to talk to you.”
The line is silent for so long, I pull the phone away from my ear, just to make sure he’s still there. When he finally says something, I breathe out a sigh of relief, glad that he didn’t just hang up on me.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.”
My hand trembles as I knock on his front door, and my breath leaves in an audible gasp when he opens it. I haven’t seen him in so long, I get a little teary eyed as I look him up and down. Dressed in a grey Henley and jeans, he looks incredibly handsome. Those honey eyes that I adore bore into mine, the creases lined with worry.
“Is the baby okay?” he asks suddenly, making me smile sadly.
“Yeah, the baby’s fine. I-I just…”
Alex cocks his head to the side silently regarding me. I fidget under the weight of his stare.
“I uh, I went to see Margaret.”
There’s no mistaking the shock on his face, but it quickly morphs into irritation because after all the shit I gave him, I did the same thing.
“That’s great,” he says in a monotone voice.
“Yeah.” I breathe out awkwardly.
After realizing we’re still on his doorstep, he ushers me inside into his living room, crossing his thick arms over his chest and watching me with a frown on his face.
“What are you doing here, Sam?”
I avoid his question and dart my gaze around his living room looking for any signs that he’s still with Masie. I know Aliza said they aren’t together anymore, but I need to hear it for myself.
“So, are you still seeing Masie?”
Alex’s face pinches in irritation. “No. I haven’t been with Masie in months.”
Emotions fills my chest. Months? “But I thought—”
“Samantha,” he growls my name, cutting me off. “I’m not going to ask you again.”
Lifting my hands, I drop my shoulders in a helpless shrug. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Alex. All I know is…” I let my voice trail off, trying to find the right words.
“You don’t know what you’re doing here?” he scoffs incredulously. “It’s always the same thing with you, isn’t it? I thought we were over this back-and-forth shit?”
