“Okay. Now, explain it to me again.” Jenna sighed heavily, and I knew making her recount it for the third time was draining what little energy she had left, but I desperately needed her to. The first time she’d gone through it, I hadn’t really taken in any of the details. All I kept thinking is this had to be a dream. A nightmare. It couldn’t be real.
“Zoe…”
“Please, Jenna.”
“Okay. I was diagnosed with breast cancer eighteen months ago. I found a lump and they did a biopsy. When it came back abnormal, they sent me for more tests. Because of the size and location of the cancer, I had the surgery then did two rounds of radiation.”
“How did I not know you were going through any of this? Why didn’t you tell me?” That was at the heart of this. She’d been sick for a long time and I was only hearing about this all now.
“Honestly? I didn’t want to worry you. You’ve had enough to deal with over the last couple of years…”
“I still would have wanted to know.”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“It was cancer!” I yelled, losing my temper. When I flinched, Lachlan objected to having my boob yanked out of his mouth with a pop and started screaming to make sure I knew how unhappy he was about it.
“Yeah, it was,” Jenna conceded, “but they told me it wasn’t that bad. Once they found it, I did the treatment, I started walking each day and changed what I was eating. I was doing fine.”
“So, what happened?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“I beat it. At least initially. I thought I’d be fine. Then I got the flu. Nothing exciting, just a cough I couldn’t shake, and I was tired all the time.”
“Sounds like me,” I muttered under my breath, looking down and running my finger over Lachlan’s soft skin.
“I wish I had a gorgeous reason. They did some more tests, I’d never had so many needles in my life. They did scans and then we found out.”
“How long ago was this?”
“Eight months ago.”
“So, you’ve known for eight whole months that this was serious, and you kept quiet.”
“Don’t judge me, Zoe. I haven’t seen you in months. And you were keeping your own secrets.”
Shit! She wasn’t wrong. It hurt that she hadn’t told me, that she hadn’t let me be there for her, but she was right. I’d kept a huge secret from her as well. And I’d done it for entirely selfish reasons. “I’m sorry.” She deserved more than my apology, but it was all I had that I could offer her.
Needing a second, I adjusted Lachlan and tucked away my boob. After draping a cloth over my shoulder, I settled him and patted his back gently. My son might not be very good at sleeping when he’s supposed to, or eating properly, but the one thing he’d worked out very quickly was how to burp.
I couldn’t delay any longer. “Now it’s in your stomach and oesophagus?”
“Yeah. They tell me it’s not a secondary cancer.”
“What’s that even mean?”
“It means, it’s a new one. It’s not something I got because of the breast cancer.”
“Oh.”
“It will be okay.”
“No, it won’t.” Tears filled my eyes. Nothing about this was going to be okay. In Jenna’s own words, she’d just claimed Lachlan as her grandson. He was the only one she’d ever have. She was the only grandmother Lachlan would ever know. But he wouldn’t know her. Not really. He was too young to remember her the way she deserved to be remembered. Happy, healthy, sassy. The Jenna I loved. The one who’d held my hand and cried with me through our darkest days. The only other person in the world who’d been shattered by all that had happened, she was leaving me. And from what she’d told me and the way she looked, it would be sooner rather than later.
I stumbled to my feet before depositing Lachlan in Jenna’s arms. I needed the bathroom, but more than that I needed a minute. I didn’t want to accept what Jenna had told me, but I couldn’t ask her to go over it one more time. I could see the toll it was taking on her already exhausted body.
“Are you right with him for a minute?”
Jenna must have known what I needed without me even telling her. Something I appreciated more than I could ever express. “I’d love some snuggles.”
I must have been gone longer than I’d thought because when I stumbled bleary-eyed from the bathroom, Jenna had settled Lachlan in his pram and he was sleeping soundly. I yawned loudly as I came back into the room. Jenna rounded the hallway, her arms filled with pillows and blankets.
“I was going to make up the spare room for you…”
“Spare room?”
“Spencer’s old room.”
“No. No. I can’t sleep in there.”
“Zoe…”
Taking the pile from her, I started making up the lounge. There was no way I was even stepping foot inside Spencer’s bedroom, let alone sleeping in there. I think Jenna was feeling the same as I was. Emotionally drained. Exhausted and completely lost. Although my mind was whirling with more thoughts than my tired brain could handle, I knew I needed sleep. And with the way Lachlan was, I needed to take the opportunity for a few minutes of shut eye when I could.
Silently we made up the couch and I pulled Lachlan’s pram over to where I was. I needed him close tonight. Not only for my own piece of mind, but when he woke up screaming, which he undoubtedly would, I didn’t need him waking Jenna. She looked like she needed her rest, especially if I was going to convince her to fight this. But that was tomorrow’s challenge.
“Get some sleep, Zoe. We still have a lot to talk about.” That’s what worried me. Tonight, Jenna had confessed, and we were both left reeling. Tomorrow it was my turn to spill my secrets. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight against her. That was all it took. All my pieces that were being delicately held together shattered. My previously silent tears quickly turned into huge, ugly sobs—the kind that came with a snotty nose and left my whole body trembling. Damn it, I was tired.
***
Lachlan had another shitty night. I don’t know why I was surprised as I sat there and watched the minutes on the clock tick by. What frustrated me even more though was I couldn’t blame him. My mind was whizzing around at a million miles an hour. I was trying to figure out what to do. I knew what the right thing was, but trying to turn that into some kind of plan wasn’t easy.
After a quick feed, Lachlan drifted back asleep like the previous night hadn’t happened. The sun was breaking through and the little shit was out for the count. Why couldn’t he do that through the night? Taking advantage of the quiet, I checked on Jenna who, thankfully hadn’t been woken by Lachlan’s cries and my cursing. I slipped into the bathroom and took a quick shower.
Half an hour, a shower, and the biggest mug of coffee I could find later, and I was feeling half human. Lachlan was still asleep, and I was waiting on Ryan. I’d never been more thankful for that guy in my life than I was right now. He’d already called to check on me, and was now on his way to help me face what could possibly destroy me. I had to introduce Lachlan to Derek. Seeing how Jenna so easily accepted him gave me hope, but I wasn’t ready to bet everything on that just yet. I knew Derek better than I knew myself and I believed on some level at least, he was going to be pissed. Which, in all fairness I probably deserved.
Rinsing my mug out, I set it on the drainer and wandered back to the lounge room with the intention of repacking Lachlan’s bag into some semblance of order. Halfway down the hall though, my eyes caught the frames lining the white walls. Photos. Filled with happy moments. Spotting the picture of Spencer as a gangly, pimple-faced teen made me smile. It might just have been the first time I’d seen a photo of him and smiled in a very long time. What shocked me though was that I was in more than half of them. Whether it was lounging around on the banks of the river or standing there smiling proudly in a matching school uniform. It struck me from nowhere. Jenna just wasn’t Lachlan’s grandmother now. She’d al
ways been there. Always there for the big moments. In the times I needed her, she’d never flinched. Not once.
And it was that easy.
My decision was made.
I knew what I had to do.
First though, Derek.
My mind made up, I forgot the photos, stuffed Lachlan’s bag under the pram, and scooped up my handbag, the whole time making mental notes in my head. I had so much to do, and I hoped Derek and Mia would be able to help. And not only able, but willing. Mia was the key to everything working out.
When Ryan pulled into the driveway, I practically jumped on him.
“Morning to you too, Zoe. Miss me, did you?”
I was already unbuckling Lachlan and settling his chair into the backseat. “Can you please put the pram in?” I asked over my shoulder. I couldn’t imagine Ryan had a very good view right now. My fat ass was sticking up in the air and I was only wearing black leggings, even though I understood leggings weren’t pants. Right now, fashion was the least of my priorities. I was dressing for comfort and something that didn’t try to cut me in half. Having a baby wasn’t all pink party dresses and cute pictures.
Once Lachlan was in, I slipped into the passenger seat and dug out my sunglasses.
A second later, Ryan climbed behind the wheel and started the engine. “Don’t I even get a good morning anymore?”
“I’m sorry. Good morning, Ryan. Thanks for coming. I can’t wait until the damn doctor clears me and can drive again so I don’t have to keep annoying you. I didn’t think about the whole not driving after a C-section thing.”
“You’re not annoying me, Zoe.”
“Still…”
“So, where are we going? The bakery for breakfast?” The desperation in his eyes was almost comical. The whole McIntyre clan was obsessed with that damn bakery. Every time someone mentioned it, they all acted like sugar-filled toddlers. From the outside it was hilarious. Thank god one of them had married Payton and locked down the bakery’s beautiful baker, otherwise I wasn’t entirely convinced they wouldn’t storm the place.
“Derek’s.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I’m shitting myself, just quietly.”
“Ew!”
Slapping Ryan in the centre of the chest made us both laugh. How we’d ever end up going down this track of conversation, I had no idea. It was typical for us, though. “Head to Derek’s. It’s time he meets his godson.”
“You mean finds out about his godson, right?”
“Yeah, that too,” I grumbled, sticking my finger in my mouth and chewing nervously on my nail.
It wasn’t even four blocks. Barely enough time for me to have a panic attack before we were pulling up to the kerb. As if I weren’t already intimidated enough, sitting in the driveway was the police cruiser.
Ryan reached over and tugged my finger from my mouth before wrapping my hand in his. “Breathe, Zoe. You know Derek. You know he loves you. No matter what happens next, nothing is going to change that.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Yeah, I do. Now. Get out.” Ryan was being a bossy bitch at the moment. I didn’t like it one little bit.
“What?”
“Zoe! Out! Derek’s staring at us.”
Oh shit. He was too. On shaky legs, I climbed out. Ryan must have read my mind again. “Leave Lachlan. I’ll get him. You go say hi.”
Left with no other option, I walked around the car and came face to face with Derek. He looked like he always did. Strong. Determined. Serious. Well, he would look serious except that his thin grey t-shirt is damp, and he’s got in bubbles in his hair. His khaki shorts are ripped at the knee and wet as well. It takes me far longer than it should to put it all together. Derek dripping. The car sparkling in the early morning sun.
“Zoe?” Derek asks, unsure as he squints, blocking the sun with his hand.
I offer him a tight smile all the while my stomach is churning. Without taking his eyes off me, Derek dropped the sponge in the bucket, wiped his hands on his ass, and stalked towards me with a smile so bright it could rival the sun.
The sound of the car door closing breaks our gaze as Ryan carefully lifts out Lachlan’s capsule from the back seat.
Derek freezes a couple of steps from where I’m standing. A wave of dread crashes over me. This is the minute. The moment I need Derek to forgot everything he should feel and remember I’m still me. The klutz he loves. Deep down he does, anyway. As Ryan comes around the car and stands beside me, I can’t help but look down at my beautiful boy. There’s no way Derek wouldn’t fall in love with him. It’s just not possible. He might be mad at me, he might be disappointed, but there’s no way in the world he can say Lachlan isn’t gorgeous. Ryan hands me the capsule before reaching down and intertwining his fingers with mine, sharing his strength. Thank fuck he’s here. Right now, I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to stand here without him.
“Zoe?”
“Derek, meet Lachlan. My son.” My voice wavers and my eyes drop to the tiny bundle wrapped in a blue. I can’t bring myself to meet Derek’s glance. The thought alone of what I’ll see there is terrifying.
“Y-your son?”
It takes a minute, but soon enough reality sinks in. Anger flashes across Derek’s usually stoically calm face, all of it aimed in Ryan’s direction.
Knowing I need to diffuse the ticking time bomb that was Derek, I hand Lachlan back to Ryan before stepping towards Derek.
“Yes, Derek. He’s my son. And he needs a godfather. Not one of those ones who get the title and are supposed to give him religious guidance, either. He needs one who is a real part of his life. Beause he doesn’t have a dad, so he’s gonna need someone in his life who can teach him all the shit I can’t. Like how to shave and throw a football. Someone to talk about girls with. Someone who understands how hard it’s going to be having a crazy mother. Someone who’s going to love him without judging. He needs a strong man in his life. Someone he can look up to and trust.”
“Y-you want me to…”
“There’s no one else I trust more with my son’s life.”
Derek yanked me into his arms, my face smooshed against his damp chest as he held me tight, dropping a soft kiss against my temple. Up until that moment I didn’t realise how much I needed Derek to accept him. I knew I wanted him to, but I hadn’t realised just how much I needed him to. There was something about being back in his arms, it just felt like home. Derek smelt like home. Being wrapped safe in Derek’s strong, protective arms made me realise everything was going to be okay. I wasn’t alone. No matter what I did or where I went, someone always cared. Someone would always care.
“Well then, come on inside. I’m sure Mia would like to meet…”
“Lachlan. Lachlan Spencer Sinclair.”
Derek’s breath hitched. He went completely rigid in my arms before he sighed and squeezed me even tighter.
“And don’t think you’re getting out of telling me the whole story either,” Derek whispered into my ear before he let go and moved towards Ryan, his hand outstretched, ready to take hold of the most precious thing in my world.
It was weird having other people in the house. I was getting used to the peaceful solitude. Not this morning, though. This morning, even though I was up at the ass crack of dawn to get started on my day, I had to wait for the shower. Waiting meant by the time I stomped downstairs I was already in a pissy mood. I wasn’t a pretty boy, despite how the drawer full of designer underwear looks, but my one indulgence in life was two long, hot showers a day. The first as soon as my eyes cracked open in the morning, the other when I fell through the door each night, exhausted and caked in mud and shit.
After gulping down a cup of the most disgusting coffee—the last time I ever send Holly shopping no matter how much I despise the grocery store—I headed out to my ute and tried to fire it up. It was a piece of shit, but for what I used it for, it just wasn’t worth buying a new one. Until this one died and was beyond resuscitation, it’d do.
Maybe today was the day it finally went to its grave. Turning the key, I got nothing. Not even a groan.
“Fuck it!” I swore, thumping the steering wheel with frustration. I did not need this shit today.
After a few more failed attempts, I left it where it was and stomped over to the shed. After buttoning up a jacket I kept hanging on a peg by the door, I threw open the roller door, jumped on one of the four-wheelers, and tore off down the dirt track. I had shit to get moving.
When the bastard of a bull charged me for the third time, not only was I ready to turn him into tonight’s barbeque, but I’d had it. I needed to get out of here and I needed a decent cup of coffee. I left the cranky old bastard where he was. So what if he spent another night in this paddock instead of the one by the river? It was his loss, not mine. I turned and headed for home. It wasn’t even lunchtime. Probably the earliest I’d called it a day since the man flu episode a few years back.
“Hey man,” Alex greeted me as I pulled into the shed, scrubbing a hand down my face.
“Hi.” I knew I shouldn’t be rude, but I just couldn’t help it. Today was not my day. Not that it was Alex’s fault. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with my less than stellar attitude.
Before I had a chance to apologise for being a dick, my phone chimed.
Payton: Hey sexy. You busy???
Didn’t she already have a husband whose balls she could bust? Payton was probably the last person on earth I should be a dick to. After all, she gave me that beautiful little niece I was dying for a cuddle with. Not that I’d ever admit that to anyone.
Connor: About to get some lunch. What do you need?
Payton: Perfect. If I supply lunch, can you look at the kitchen tap upstairs?
Damn it! That woman knew exactly how to get what she wanted. All she had to do was bat those long eyelashes and offer food to make us all cave. Not one of us McIntyres were immune to her delicious delights. Part of me was convinced Beau married her for her cinnamon scrolls alone, not that I could blame him. But me, I was more of a vanilla slice fan. All that flaky pastry filled with creamy custard…my mouth watered.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 3
