Knowing I’d fucked up yet again, I picked up the offending paper, folding it in half and stuffing it in my pocket before driving away. Even though I was supposed to stop by Beau’s place on my way home, I wasn’t in the mood. I’d seriously screwed up this time. What made that spot on my chest ache was the fear that there was absolutely nothing I could do to come back from this. I’d hurt her again. Something I never ever wanted to do, but it was indisputable.
Halfway home and I wanted to be sick. Guilt was a bitch. I was almost thirty and I had absolutely no idea how to relieve it. How to make this up to Zoe. All I knew was I had to do something.
Grabbing my phone, I dialled the one person in the world who could help me possibly dig myself out of this shitstorm I’d created. With the speaker on, every ring made my stomach tighter. By the time Ryan answered, I was wound tighter than a coil spring.
“Asshole!”
“Hi to you, little brother.”
“Oh shit. What did you do now?”
Was Ryan a fucking mind reader? Surely, I wasn’t that predictable. “What makes you think I did something?”
“Ah, ’cause I know you.”
“Maybe you don’t.” It pissed me off that Ryan’s first thought was that I’d fucked up. The benefit of the doubt would be nice. Just for once.
“Just tell me.”
“Why? Got something better to do? Or someone?”
“Do you want my help or want me to hang up?”
I told Ryan what I’d done. To say he was shocked and disappointed was an understatement. When he asked me why, I couldn’t answer. I had no idea what compelled me to do it. I knew it wasn’t because I didn’t believe her, though. When she’d told me Lachlan wasn’t mine, I believed her. Not for a second did I think Zoe would ever lie about something like that. It just wasn’t who she was.
“That’s pretty bad, Connor.”
“Gee thanks, Captain Obvious. How do I fix it?”
“I don’t know if you can.”
“I have to.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why is it so important to you that you make it up to her?”
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit! If you want my help, the least you could do is be honest with me.”
“Fine. I need to. Zoe’s an awesome chick and she doesn’t deserve this.”
“And…”
“And I like her. There! I said it. You happy now?”
“Ecstatic.”
“Asshole. Now, do you have any ideas to help me or are you just going to bust my balls?”
I swear I could hear the cogs in Ryan’s head groaning under the pressure of a thought. I had no doubt he was straining a brain cell just to make me suffer. Turning into my driveway, the house looked deserted. Probably a good thing. I’d be shitty company tonight.
“Yeah, I’ve got something. It’s gonna cost you, though.”
“What?”
“Time and money.”
“Will it work?”
“Yeah. I think it will.”
Pulling the car to a stop, I grabbed my phone, pressed it to my ear, and headed inside. “Tell me.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun. And that’s true. What they fail to tell you is that time also flies when you’re holding your breath, watching the clock, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Even though Jenna and I knew an ending was hovering over our heads like a heavy dark cloud, we refused to let it slow us down or ruin the minutes we had left. After arguing with Mia for the millionth time, I finally caved and took what she called maternity leave. She was pissed that I’d stolen her chance to make sure I had the leave when Lachlan was born, so she was determined to make up for it now. She wouldn’t even listen to my protests. When I’d decided to get pregnant and go it alone, I had no intention of dropping my responsibilities, including work. I may not have been in the gym as much as normal, but I was still more than capable of organising rosters, entering memberships, and reconciling the banking from home with or without a kid. I had no intention of Lachlan’s arrival slowing me down. And he hadn’t. Not once had I missed a deadline or dropped the ball. Mia though, she was adamant I was taking a break. Focusing on the most important thing. Lachlan. So, with work no longer an issue, I was free to spend my days with my two favourite people.
Sadly, Jenna’s health was struggling, and it limited what we could do. By the end of the sixth week after I’d returned home, we’d stopped walking to the park daily, and instead I drove the couple of blocks so we could sit in the sun and watch the ducks mill about on the pond. Refusing to let her illness derail having a good time, we settled into the routine where we’d go out in the morning, even if it was just for a change of scenery or down to the bakery for scones and coffee. I swear, I’d never eaten as much as I did living with Jenna. Although she ate like a bird, barely picking at what was on her plate and almost always tossing it away, she insisted that I eat a full cooked breakfast each morning, then proper meals for lunch and dinner. I never once felt hungry. In fact, most of the time I felt like a bloated fool.
One thing that hadn’t changed was how completely exhausted I was all the time. I wasn’t a genius or anything, but at some point, I should start feeling better. Despite Jenna’s health issues, she was still a godsend. If Lachlan cried while I was hanging out yet another load of washing, Jenna would grab him so I could finish up. The juggling had eased a bit, but I was still so damn tired. Part of the problem was Lachlan didn’t sleep. And when he did, it was fifteen-minute cat naps on my chest. He refused to sleep in his cot, and I was too scared to have him in my bed. My greatest fear was I’d roll over and smother him in my sleep. There was no way I was even chancing it.
“Maybe you should take him for a check-up, Zoe?” Jenna suggested as she rocked him back and forth while I scarfed down a bowl of cereal after another sleepless night.
“There’s nothing wrong with him!” I protested, maybe a little too forcefully, but I was tired.
“Sweetheart,” Jenna cooed in her best mum voice. That damn mum voice made me crack every single time. Not only that, it made me feel like the biggest ass on the planet for chucking a tantrum. “If there’s nothing wrong with him, that’s great. But even you yourself said last night something felt off. He hasn’t been eating properly for the last few days and he’s even more irritable than normal.”
“That’s because he’s an asshole,” I muttered. As soon as I said it I knew I didn’t mean it, but damn, was I a bitch when I was beyond tired. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt.
“Will you at least think about it?”
I knew Jenna was right. From the moment I’d moved in, every single piece of motherly advice she’d given me had been spot on. I had no idea what I was supposed to do when she wasn’t around. I didn’t even want to think about it.
“I’ll do you one better. After I put on some pants, I’ll call and see if I can get an appointment.”
“Good girl.” I got a kiss on my forehead seconds before Lachlan was settled back in my arms. If he wasn’t so damn cute…
After finishing my breakfast and tidying up, I managed to snag an appointment almost straightaway. That never happened to me. Like ever. I was the one who usually ended up waiting a week, and by the time I got in, either the flu had cleared up and they thought I’d imagined the whole thing, or it’d taken on a life of its own and mutated into a full-on chest infection that might possibly kill me.
With my wallet two hundred dollars lighter, I returned to the house with one every cranky little boy. He’d been poked and prodded and stripped down to his nappy before they’d decided his bad mood and fever were the result of an ear infection. He’d dropped some weight, which wasn’t good, but with a healthy dose of antibiotics that I somehow had to figure out how to get down his throat, in a couple of days he’d be back to his normal self.
The worst part though was when I was filling out the registration forms and they asked for the father�
��s information. I had no idea what I was supposed to put. If I put unknown, would people think I was a slut? Someone who partied too hard and got knocked up by some guy she couldn’t pick out of a line up? Did I leave it blank? Pretend I hadn’t seen the question and prayed that they didn’t ask questions? Surely, I wasn’t the first person in this town to have a kid out of wedlock.
By the time we managed to make it home, Jenna was asleep on the lounge. As much as I wished I could curl up and do the same, Lachlan was fussing. I didn’t want to wake her, and having a screaming baby around wouldn’t do her any favours. Leaving the car in the driveway, I put Lachlan in the pram and headed towards Mia’s. She was always good for a cup of coffee and a ten-minute timeout.
I was right.
The moment I stepped up to the door and knocked, Mia appeared, looking way too happy. She was up to something.
“Why are you knocking?”
“Um, ’cause I don’t live here. And that’s what you do when you visit someone?”
“Firstly, ha ha. Secondly, you might not live here, but you’re family. Family don’t knock. They walk on in, put on the kettle, and get their favourite mug out of the cupboard.”
“Is that so?”
“Yep. That’s so.”
“Well then. Hold this.” I took Lachlan from his pram and handed him to Mia, whose grabby hands were outstretched and waiting. “I’m going to make myself a coffee.”
Mia giggled as I passed by her, headed straight for the kitchen. “Oooh, make me one too! Now, my gorgeous boy, want me to show you what Uncle Derek’s been up to?”
“That doesn’t sound good!” I called out from the kitchen as I dug around the pantry, looking for the good chocolate biscuits I knew she kept stashed away from Derek.
“Ah, sssh you! Uncle Derek may have gone a teeny tiny bit overboard, but it’s only because he loves you so much.”
Listening to Mia talk to my son melted my icy heart. When I’d decided to do this, take the single parent route, it’d taken quite a bit of back and forth before I gave in and let myself believe that even if it was just me, Lachlan wouldn’t miss out. Somehow, I’d find a way to make sure he’d have everything a kid would ever want. I’m not going to lie, when I found out I was having a boy, I panicked. Like complete freak out. The tub of ice cream I’d devoured in one sitting was just part of the evidence of my breakdown. Girls, I knew. A girl, I would have known what to do with. I could teach her how to apply eyeliner, okay, I couldn’t teach her how to do it well, but I’d give it a go, and I knew what the right age was to start shaving your legs. With a boy, I had no idea.
Hearing Mia call him Uncle Derek just felt right. He might not be his uncle by blood, but he was family in every single way that counted. As much as I hated Jenna’s illness, as scared as I was that I was going to lose her at any minute, I couldn’t help but be grateful she’d called, and I’d come home. This is where I needed to be. Not in the city. Not pretending I was wonder woman and could do it all on my own. Having help didn’t mean failing. Having help meant I could shower and actually spend enough time in there to get wet. Having help meant when I was sick, someone could cover for me. And god forbid if I ever had a date, I had people in my life I trusted enough to look after my everything while I went and hopefully got laid.
“What have you pair been up to?” I asked, sneaking up behind them with my mug in hand.
Stepping out of the way, Mia let me into the room, which last time I’d seen it, it’d been her office. “What the…” It was still Mia’s office, I guess. Stuffed into the corner was her desk and a set of drawers. Everything else had gone. The bookshelf was missing, the oversized armchair she’d curl up in and swear her little heart out as she tried impatiently to complete the taxes. All of it gone, replaced by a cot, identical to the one in my own bedroom. It was made up with sky blue bedding and a teddy bear was nestled in the corner. Dangling above it was a Winnie the Pooh mobile. “Mia…” My lip trembled. I wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with this, this display of affection.
“We know we didn’t have to, but Zoe, we wanted to. Lachlan, and you of course, are welcome here any time.”
“I don’t know what to say.” And truly, I had nothing.
“Don’t say anything. Let me show you the rest.”
“There’s more?”
After lying Lachlan down in his new cot, I watched him for a second, holding my breath until the screaming began. Little shit didn’t make a peep. Instead he kicked his legs around like it was the best thing in the world.
“What do you think? Too much?”
Stunned.
Utterly fucking speechless.
Mia had opened the wardrobe to reveal a nursery fit for a king. A custom-made change table fully stocked with nappies and wipes and more lotions than I’d ever seen. Beside it there were shelves filled with clean blankets and clothes. I could drop Lachlan off here and come back in a week and they still wouldn’t have run out of supplies.
“Wh-why?”
There was a look that crossed Mia’s face fleetingly. At first, I wasn’t sure I’d read it right, but when she started to speak and her voice wavered, I knew I’d nailed it. She thought they’d done something wrong. Gone too far. I hated that I’d made her feel like that. If anything, it was the complete opposite. How could I feel anything other than love and appreciation that Mia and Derek, two of the most amazing people in my world, had gone to so much trouble for me and my son? Especially knowing they’d never have one of their own. Something that just made Mia all that more incredible in my book. “W-we didn’t mean anything. I can return everything. We just wanted to…”
“Mia, stop.” I couldn’t stand there and let her work herself up. And the last thing I wanted to see were her tears. “You have no idea what this means to me. Thank you. Honestly, I love it. I never imagined that you would have gone to so much trouble.”
Mia threw herself recklessly into my arms, barely giving me time to put down the cup as we stood there, surrounded by a sea of blue, holding each other. I may not have a sister of my own, so if Mia was what I got, then I won the jackpot.
By the time we let go, I was completely wiped out. It’d been an emotionally draining couple of days and I was ready to collapse. Turning around, I noticed Lachlan had his thumb in his mouth. His soft snores and snorts were perfect.
Like she could read my mind, Mia suggested I go lie down in the spare room. I didn’t even bother arguing with her. Five minutes later, I’d kicked my shoes off, curled up in a ball, and was well on my way to passing out.
“How long she been out?” A deep rumbling voice not too far away brought me out of my sleepy haze.
“Couple of hours.”
“Shit! She must have been wiped out.”
“She looked it. It’s all good. I got some awesome Lachlan cuddles.”
“That’s why you’re so happy?”
I felt like an intruder listening in, but I didn’t want to crack my eyes open. I knew once I did, real life would return and the dream of lying on a beautiful sandy beach would be gone. The sound of a baby cry though had me forgetting the cocktails I’d been drinking and the gorgeous man who’d been rubbing sunscreen into my back as I sat up and rubbed my sleep-filled eyes.
After a quick pit stop in the bathroom, I wandered into the lounge room only to freeze in the doorway. The sight in front of me would be deemed Mummy porn. Derek Cartwright, local cop and all around good guy, was sitting here in his blue uniform, my son in his muscly arms.
“Morning, sleepy head,” Derek teased with a grin. Lachlan had his hand wrapped around Derek’s finger as he babbled away.
“I’m so sorry…”
“Zoe, don’t. If you had any idea the number of times that Josie showed up here looking like she’d been dragged behind a bus down a dirt road, you’d feel much better. You’re fine. Lachlan’s fine. He’s had a sleep and a bottle. Derek even changed his nappy…”
“You did?” I didn’t mean to sound so surprised.
<
br /> “Hey! I resent that tone. It needed to be done, so I took care of it. Don’t forget, Zoe, I’ve looked after you when you got a little messy too.” Smart ass winked at me and I found myself hoping the nappy he’d changed was one of the toxic explosions. The type that made your eyes water.
“You staying for dinner?”
Dinner? Shit! “What time is it?”
“Just after five. Why? Got a hot date tonight?”
“Seriously, Derek? When was the last time I had a hot date? I don’t even know what a hot date is!” As I was saying it, I realised how pathetic I sounded. It’d been a long time. Too long really, but it is what it is. Nothing I could do to change it.
“Am I interrupting?” a deep voice behind me asked, the warmth from his breath flittering across my neck.
Me being me, I went to turn around, and the anklet I wore got caught on the rug tassels beneath my feet. Before anyone could do anything to stop me, I was falling forward, arms flailing.
I wished I hit the floor.
Face planted on the floorboards would have been preferable to where I was right now.
I didn’t want to open my eyes.
I didn’t want to see the smugness on his sexy face. On the face I wanted to ride like a cowgirl.
“Shit, Zoe! Are you all right?”
Was I all right? Hell no! I was humiliated. I knew if I looked up, I’d see the face of the man I wanted to forget, but couldn’t. I hated that he was the one I couldn’t get out of my head and drove me to distraction. Even though I knew how good it felt to sleep in the arms that were now awkwardly trying to help me back to my feet, I wasn’t going back there. Not tonight. Not tomorrow night. Not ever.
Connor helped me stand and I reluctantly looked up. I couldn’t be a bitch to him. Well, I couldn’t be a bitch to him again. “Yeah. Thanks for your help,” I mumbled, dragging myself from his arms.
I thought the fog would lift once I couldn’t smell Connor. Once I could no longer feel the warmth of him against my skin. I thought I was fine…until I went to take a step towards Lachlan.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 8
