“I’ve got Lachlan. He’s still asleep in the car. Now, you ready?”
“No.”
Ryan took her hands and led her over so she was standing right in front of the steps. “She’s all yours.” Up until now, Ryan had all but ignored me, but now Zoe was mine. Everything was down to me. While I sucked in a knowing breath, Ryan got Lachlan out of the car and settled him in his arms. He was a natural. One day he’d make an amazing dad. I just hoped he got the chance.
I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. It was too late to back out, though. On shaky legs I walked over to Zoe, noticing the goose bumps dotting her arms. I knew I had to put her out of her misery. “Take the blindfold off, Zoe.”
I held my breath.
Slowly she peeled off the black mask and her eyes met with mine. I felt naked, like she was looking straight through me.
“What did you do?”
I barely caught the words before Zoe was running towards the building like it was on fire and her favourite teddy bear was trapped amongst the flames. The blindfold was dropped in the dust and long forgotten.
“I don’t understand what just happened.”
“You don’t?”
“You do?”
“That’s Zoe.”
“Ugh. I fucked this up, didn’t I?”
“Give her a minute.”
“Will that help?”
“Honestly? I have no idea.”
A piercing scream interrupted our argument. And it wasn’t from the wriggling baby in Ryan’s arms.
I took off towards the door. “Hold Lachlan. Let me.”
Before I had a chance to reply, Ryan handed me Lachlan and he was jogging inside. Lachlan whimpered, and I adjusted him, hugging him close. “Gee, little man, I hope your mum likes it. I worked really hard on this.”
“You know he can’t answer you, right?” Spinning around, I almost tripped over my feet. Derek was standing there looking mighty pleased with himself with his aviator shades over his eyes. I knew he was judging me. “Hey little man! Where’s your mum?”
Before I had a chance to fill in the gaps and kick Derek’s ass for his tardiness, Zoe came bursting through her doors, her phone pressed to her ear. “Jenna! Jenna! Talk to me. Jenna!”
“Zoe?”
“D-D-Derek! Jenna…I’ve gotta go.”
“Wait! What?”
Zoe was panting, tears streaming down her face, looking like she’d just been hit by a bus. “J-J-Jenna…Derek, you’ve gotta take me.”
Everything happened so quickly. Derek and Zoe were tearing off down the road with the sirens blaring and the lights flashing, leaving me standing there in a cloud of dust clutching a now screaming baby.
After locking the door, Ryan bounced down the steps towards me. I hoped to god he was coming to help me, because I was obviously doing something wrong. The kid was screaming blue murder and nothing I’d tried was working. I’d bounced back and forth, rocked him in my arms. I’d tried talking to him. I’d even tried singing. Granted, I was possibly the world’s worst singer and he might not have been Queen’s biggest fan, but ‘Somebody to Love’ was the first song that popped into my mind.
“What the hell happened?” I asked as Ryan came towards me.
“We were in the storeroom when her phone rang. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but one minute she was trying to talk to Jenna, then she was screaming and ranting. She just kept repeating Jenna’s name. Then she bolted.”
“She left Lachlan.”
“Lachlan’s okay. She knows that. We can look after him. I’ll take him to Derek’s. Mia will be there. You should go to Jenna’s. See if you can help.”
Thank god Ryan was there. I was his older brother, yet he was the one stepping up, making plans, and taking charge.
I knew.
Even before we got there, I knew.
I think Derek had been trying to talk to me. I didn’t hear a word.
My chest burned.
I felt like I’d been punched in the face.
I wasn’t religious. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d set foot in a church. I worried that if I stepped through the doorway either the church would burn down or I’d go up in flames.
I didn’t usually pray, either.
But with every passing second, I found myself begging a higher power, whatever that may be, that Jenna could just hang on.
I wasn’t ready.
Now wasn’t the time.
I wasn’t there with her.
She couldn’t leave me.
She just couldn’t.
“Zoe! Zoe!” Derek reached over and touched my hand, and I almost jumped out of my skin. “Zoe! You need to breathe.”
“I…I…” The sirens were giving me a headache. Or maybe it was the stress. I wanted to pass out. And vomit.
“You need to stop expecting the worst. Jenna’s sick, but help’s on the way. They’ll arrive before we do,” Derek tried to reassure me. It wasn’t working. I couldn’t think of a single thing he could possibly say that would.
“It’s too late.” In my heart I already knew. I felt it. I didn’t want it to be true. I’d give anything to be wrong, but I knew I wasn’t.
“You don’t know that.”
I didn’t answer. There wasn’t any point. How could I explain the hollow feeling in my chest? A tear escaped and ran down my cheek while my mind played flashbacks. Conversations we’d shared. The fact that every time one of us went somewhere without the other, even if it was just to bed for the night, we made sure we said told the other how much loved them. Every. Single. Time.
“Okay, Zoe. We’re here. You ready for this?”
“No.”
“Remember, whatever happens next, I’m right here and I love you. Now go inside.”
Everything was happening in slow motion. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was me. An ambulance was parked in the driveway, but there were no signs of anyone. Vaguely I remembered Derek calling them. With slow, deliberate movements, I unlatched my seatbelt and opened the door. Stepping out, my knees buckled, and I was forced to grab onto the nearest thing for support. Mia.
She hadn’t said a word, and I had no idea where she’d appeared from, but fuck I was glad she was here. She steered me away from the car, towards the front door. When we got to the bottom of the front step with Mia and Derek flanking me, I froze.
As much as I didn’t want to do this, as much as I wished I were somewhere else, even make it someone else’s problem, I knew this was mine, and mine alone. No one could do it for me.
“Can you wait for me here?” They exchanged concerned glances before Derek kissed my cheek.
The moment I went through the front door, I wanted to throw up. I could hear whispered murmurings down the hallway. Steeling myself as much as I could, I prepared to face the inevitable.
The next couple of hours were a blur.
I could barely remember my own name.
I wasn’t until I was sitting on Derek’s couch, a blanket wrapped around my shaking shoulders and Mia was handing me a cup of tea that I remembered Lachlan.
“Fuck!” I swore as loudly as my hoarse throat could handle.
Derek came screeching around his corner and dropped to his knees in front of me. I’d already managed to tip the scalding hot tea all over myself and my blanket.
“Zoe, what’s wrong?”
“Lachlan! I fucking forgot Lachlan!” Even though the sobbing had barely stopped, the torrent of tears came again. I couldn’t believe after everything that had happened, I’d completely forgotten about my own son.
“Sweetie, he’s fine. Ryan and Connor are with him. They’re at Payton’s. He’s okay,” Mia explained, trying to unwrap me, but I was holding tight. I needed something to cling to right now. Without the blanket, there was a good chance I’d be looking for Derek. And as much as I knew Mia accepted Derek and me, I wasn’t about to risk it. I’d just lost Jenna. Derek was the only family I had left. Losing him would be like losing an organ. A vital one.
“My baby…I need…” The hiccups had set in and I knew I was making no sense.
“Want me to go and get him?” Derek offered.
I knew all I had to do was agree and he’d be back before I could change into a set of dry clothes. I couldn’t ask him to do that though. I’d failed enough people today. First Jenna, then Lachlan. I couldn’t keep letting people down. It wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough.
“I’ll go.”
“You sure?” Mia asked, handing me another tissue.
“Yeah. I’ll just…I need to.” Even I knew I wasn’t making any sense, but I couldn’t do anything to change it. Functioning, going through the motions was taking everything I had right now. Anyone asking for or expecting anything more, was an idiot.
“Want me to come?”
“Thanks. I’ll be okay.”
Carefully I stood up, untangled myself from the blanket, and handed it to Mia. I wanted to apologise, it was on the tip of my tongue, but she must have read it in my face because she waved it away. Derek handed me the keys to my car and I headed out without a word. When I tried to slip behind the wheel, my legs caught. It was only then did I remember the tiny little pixie Mia, who’d driven it over. After adjusting the seat, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a racoon staring back at me. My black mascara tears had run down my face, leaving dirty smudges in their wake. I didn’t even bother wiping them away.
With Mia and Derek watching from the veranda, wrapped around each other, supporting each other, I drove away. I needed some space to just be for a minute. And I needed to be alone for that. Well, alone with my little boy. A snuggle with him would make everything better, even if it was only for a minute.
Pulling into Payton and Beau’s driveway, I realised I didn’t remember how I’d gotten there. I’d been a million miles away. It wasn’t a nice feeling to not remember how you just got from A to B. Taking a breath, I attempted to pull myself together. There was a little boy beyond that wooden door relying on me. I was all he had in the world. I couldn’t let him down. I wouldn’t. Not again.
With determination pumping through my veins, I climbed out and marched up to the front door. Before I even finished knocking, Payton was there sweeping me into a giant hug. A hug I couldn’t bear. I couldn’t stand anyone touching me right now. When Derek had done it, I’d completely collapsed against him and sobbed on his shoulder until his shirt was soaked through. If Payton didn’t let go, there was a damn good chance she’d end up in the same situation.
“Sorry to barge in…” I said, sniffing back the tears.
“Don’t be silly. I bet you’re here for your gorgeous boy.”
“I’m so sorry you got dumped with him. I honestly didn’t think. Everything happened so fast…”
“Zoe, it’s okay. He was no trouble. Honestly. Ryan and Connor brought him here to give you some space but make sure he was close. Ryan knew you’d need him, but he had to head back. Connor didn’t seem all that confident when they first got here, but we changed Lachlan and gave him a bottle and now he’s asleep.”
“He is?”
I was shocked that he was sleeping. He usually didn’t take to strangers. Not that Payton was a stranger, but he’d only just started going down for Jenna, and she’d been trying for since he’d been born. Maybe Payton was the baby whisperer. I’d have to keep that in mind for those nights when I was ready to tear my hair out.
“Come on.” Taking me by the hand, Payton led me through the kitchen and into the family room. We rounded the corner and my heart stopped.
It had to.
Or my ovaries burst.
Or I wet myself.
Maybe all of the above.
Reclined in the black leather armchair was a shirtless Connor with Lachlan curled up on his chest, both snoring steadily. Stretched out on the other couch was Beau. He was the big spoon to his curly-haired daughter Robin’s little spoon. They too were sound asleep.
“They’re beautiful.” The words slipped from my mouth.
“I know.” When Payton replied, I remembered I wasn’t alone. She was standing beside me. The thought I meant to keep in my head had filtered out and she’d heard it. When I turned to look at her, I could see her unwavering gaze as she stared directly at her husband and daughter. Her family.
Feeling overwhelmed again, I wiped my leaking eyes on my arm, hoping Payton hadn’t noticed. It really wasn’t my day at all. My cheeks burned as I realised she hadn’t missed a thing.
“Come on. I have cake.” Linking my arm through hers, we left them sleeping where they were and went back to the kitchen.
A moment later we were seated at the bench with a huge slice of triple layered chocolate cake and two spoons. When Payton grabbed a bottle of wine, I wasn’t about to say no. Although I had no intentions of getting drunk, taking the sting out of the day sounded like the best suggestion I’d heard all day.
Taking a gulp of the crisp white wine, I stared into the bottom of my glass. I don’t know if I was looking for answers to questions I hadn’t asked or hoping for a miracle. When I finished the first glass, Payton topped me up.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Why?”
“A million reasons. I’m driving. I’m breastfeeding. I have so much to do.”
“We can drive you home. Lachlan can have a bottle for a day. Everything else can wait until tomorrow. Decisions don’t need to be made right now, Zoe.”
I should have been pissed at Payton’s flippant answer but truthfully, I was relieved. She was giving me the out I was so desperately craving but too afraid to ask for. Taking a huge bite of cake, I moaned in appreciation. Damn, this girl could bake.
“What did you think of the store?” Payton asked casually as she leant over the bench and dug out a couple of paper napkins out of the drawer.
“Store?”
“Diner? I’m sorry, I’m not sure what to call it.”
“Huh?” I couldn’t help but wonder if Payton had me mixed up with someone else. I had no idea what she was talking about. Although if I was being honest, it probably wasn’t her fault. All I could think about was the envelope sitting at home on top of the microwave. The one that contained Jenna’s final wishes.
Even though I knew the time would come when I’d have no choice but to open it, I’d hoped it was a long time away. At first Jenna had tried to tell to me about what she wanted, but every time she did, I shut her down. It wasn’t a conversation I was ready to have. Now it was one I knew I never would.
“The place out on the road. Didn’t Ryan and Connor take you out there this morning?”
Oh shit! Finally, I caught up. “Yeah, they did.”
“And?”
I should’ve been grateful that this was the part of my day Payton had latched onto. She wasn’t making me feel bad for not being home in the moment when Jenna needed me the most. Nor was she calling me out for being the world’s worst mother—a title I most certainly deserved.
“I don’t know.” And it was the truth. I had no idea what I thought about it. I had so many questions, and I hadn’t even really had the chance to have a good look around before the day went to shit. When the blindfold came off and I was staring at freshly painted walls and a new veranda, I felt sick. The big sign on the top had been painted over, but left blank, like it was waiting for a name. Seeing the changes sent me spiralling and I’d bolted. As I raced through the door, I could smell the lemon disinfectant, and for the first time in a long time, you could actually see out the windows. They weren’t what I needed to see though. I knew that if they’d painted over or replaced a few things I was going to be heartbroken. I’d barely made it into the storeroom and sunk to the floor when Ryan appeared beside me.
“It’s still there.”
“What?”
“Your note.”
“Huh?”
“You’re looking for the boards where you scribbled Zoe loves Spencer. It’s still there.”
“You sure?”
&nbs
p; “Absolutely. Connor asked me what he needed to save, and this was one of the things he made sure he did.”
“Connor did this?” I was stunned. I had no idea why he’d gone to this much trouble. Especially for me. The only thing I could think of was this was his attempt to claw his way out of the shitstorm he’d dropped himself in. “Why?”
“That’s a question you’re going to have to ask him.”
I sat and chatted with Payton for a while and ate way too much cake while Lachlan slept, there was no way I was waking the him. Eventually Lachlan stirred, and before I even got to him, Connor was awake, rocking him back and forth talking softly to him.
Feeling the need to flee, I thanked Connor for his help, apologised for my behaviour, and escaped as quick as I could, grateful I’d stopped drinking the wine when I had. I knew there were a million things I had to say to Connor. A thousand questions I had to ask. Right now, though, I couldn’t deal with any of them.
I couldn’t go home though.
Not to Jenna’s house anyway.
I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do, but going there wasn’t an option.
I didn’t even have a change of clothes with me, but that was the last thing I was worried about.
Without thinking, I turned onto the dirt and bounced down the road. When I pulled to a stop, I got Lachlan out and wrapped him in a blanket, hugging him close. He smelt like baby. Until I’d become a mother, I used to think people who smelt babies were crazy, but now, I realised it smelt like love.
The sun was dipping and a chill was in the air. Carefully I walked down to the water and watched it cause havoc. It was rough and racing, dragging branches and debris along with it. Shielding Lachlan with my arms, I sunk down in the mud and stared out over the emptiness.
I don’t know how long I’d sat there, when a bright light behind me lit up the night sky. A starless sky hung heavily over my head and I hadn’t even noticed it’d crept up on me, cloaking me in darkness. Lachlan had fallen asleep in my arms and I was left with my heavy thoughts.
“Zoe, you shouldn’t be out here in the dark.”
A shiver raced down my spine. Until now I hadn’t realised how stupid I was. No one knew where I was. I had no idea where my phone was. Chances were it was buried in the bottom of my handbag in the car, a hundred metres away. I was sitting in the dark holding a baby. I had nothing to defend myself with. And I was freezing. I hadn’t even realised I was cold.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 10
