by Melody Grace
We…
I freeze. “You told Hunter?” I gasp, panic flooding through my system.
Brit quickly shakes her head. “No, I promise, I didn’t say anything about…that. I just told him about the fight with Dex, that you guys broke up. That’s why he’s been calling,” she explains. “He wanted to check how you’re doing.”
Relief crashes through me. “Oh, thank God.”
I step inside. Brit follows, waiting awkwardly just inside the living area. That’s when I realize what she just said. “Why didn’t you tell him?” I ask her, confused.
She bites her lip, looking away. “I figured what I heard was private. It wasn’t my place to say anything.”
“But…I don’t understand.” I stare at her, my mind racing to make sense of this. “Why aren’t you mad at me? I thought you’d hate me now for sure.”
All this time, I’ve been imagining their reactions. Brit’s anger. Hunter’s confusion and betrayal. I’ve been ducking calls, too humiliated to listen to their voicemails. But all this time, she kept my secret for me?
Brit lets out a sigh. “Was I angry you’d been secretly lusting after Hunter? Yes.” She gives me a shrewd look. “At first, anyway, but then I thought about it, and I realized, you never did anything wrong. I mean, other girls would have been bad-mouthing me any chance they got, sneaking around to try and break us up, but you never said a thing. You’ve only ever been nice to me, to both of us. Why?” she asks me, looking about as confused as I’m feeling right now. “If you love him, why didn’t you ever do anything about it?”
“Because I was scared,” I admit in a quiet voice. “I was waiting for him to wake up and realize I was right there. But then you came along, and, well, I like you. And he loves you, more than anything. I would never do anything to jeopardize his happiness.”
Brit rolls her eyes, trying to act tough, but there’s a smile tugging at her lips. “See, this would be so much easier if you were a back-stabbing bitch.”
“And it would have been miles simpler if you were some shallow vapid girl I could feel fine about hating,” I add.
Brit laughs, and then steps forwards to give me a hug. “I’m sorry,” she says, squeezing me tightly.
I tense, still confused. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about!”
“I’m sorry you got hurt,” Brit pulls back. “It can’t have been easy for you, watching us together. And the wedding, I can’t believe I was so insensitive…”
“I wouldn’t have missed it, even if I’d known,” I tell her with a sigh. “Hunter’s one of my dearest friends in the world. I want to see him happy.”
“Is that why Dex flipped out?” Brit asks carefully.
My heart aches. “Yes. But, it wasn’t just that. He opened up and let me in, but I was still clinging to the past.”
“And now?” Brit looks at me carefully. “What’s going on with you?”
I take a deep breath. “The thing with Hunter is over,” I tell her determinedly. “If you could ever call it a thing to begin with. Watching you both exchange your vows, I was finally able to let him go. He was never real to me,” I add, feeling embarrassed. “I was so foolish, it was all just a dream.”
“Loving someone is never foolish,” Brit answers quietly, giving me a smile. “I’m just sorry you couldn’t work things out with Dex. You deserve to be happy,” she says.
I blink back a sudden rush of tears. Brit has mellowed so much, even in the time that I’ve known her. She used to be so spiky and defensive, but the woman in front of me now is calm and warm, looking at me with sympathy in her eyes, not hostility. “Thank you,” I mumble, self-consciously. “I hope we can still be friends now.”
“Are you kidding?” Brit exclaims, “Of course, don’t be ridiculous. You’re practically part of the family now. We want you to hang out anytime.”
“Maybe not right away,” I reply. “I mean, it’s still kind of weird for me. But in time, I’ll definitely be around.”
“Good,” Brit grins, hugging me again. “Because Carina is already talking about fixing you up with someone, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold her off.”
I laugh along and see Brit out, but as I close the door behind her and rush to get ready for work, her words sink through me like a rock. Fix me up with someone new? I’m still heartsick over losing Dex, I can’t imagine going on a date with anybody else. Sitting over drinks and dinner, making small-talk when all I want is to be wrapped in his arms…?
I’m doing it again, I realize with an ache. Fixated on somebody I can never have. But this time it’s different to Hunter, so much worse.
Because with Dex, I know exactly what I’m missing out on; I know the intimacy, the laughter, the breathless, stomach-clenching passion.
And I know nobody will ever be the same.
**
When I arrive at the office, Jacob is already in meltdown, screaming at some poor design assistant in his office while everyone looks the other way and pretends like it’s not happening. I’m about to go interrupt when the intern flees in tears.
I sigh, heading to my office instead. I’ve got mountains of paperwork to review, but instead of enjoying the work like usual, I find myself staring at the numbers, distracted and remote. It’s hard to get excited about accounting projections when the man behind the company is being such an ass, but more than that, I feel strangely restless.
I click through the search engine again, back to that paparazzi photo of Dex leaving the restaurant.
God, just the sight of him in a blurry picture makes my chest ache. He’s wearing his usual uniform of a black T-shirt and jeans, and his leather jacket, looking too good. I know how that leather feels, draped around my shoulders. I know how his hand feels, intertwined with mine.
You know the weight of his body, bearing down on you, skin on skin…
I click to exit the site before I can spiral any lower in my wistful memories. Dex is somewhere on the other side of the country, getting on with this amazing new chapter in his life. And I’m supposed to just sit here, following the same careful routine, knowing I’ve lost my greatest shot at love.
My intercom buzzes. “Lily?” I answer with a sigh.
“No, idiot,” Jacob’s voice comes, scathing. “Do you think I’m sitting here getting a fucking manicure? I left you a dozen voicemails. The fabric samples are unacceptable!”
I take a deep breath. “Be right there!”
I grab my notebook and head across the office, trying to get my head back to work mode.
Pull it together, Alicia. Your job matters more than ever now: what else will distract you from Dex and his hot new Hollywood girlfriend?
“Finally.” Jacob is pacing his office when I arrive. He gestures to the design samples strewn around the room. “You better tell me this is some kind of joke.”
“What do you mean?” I ask cautiously, picking up one of the dresses. It’s for the department store line launching in a couple of months: simple, classic Jacob Main designs, but made for a mass audience—the kind of regular people who want to spend forty dollars on a great outfit, not four hundred. “We approved these weeks ago.”
“And now I’m saying they’re bullshit!” Jacob rants. “Look at this cotton, I wouldn’t use it to line my fucking dog basket. I want the whole lot trashed, we need to start over.”
I stare at him in disbelief. “That’s impossible! The factories have already made thousands of units. Even if we did start from scratch, we’d never make the shipping deadline in time.”
“I don’t care about impossible!” Jacob declares. “Make it happen.”
“Jacob, no,” I say firmly. “This isn’t negotiable.”
He turns bright red. “Then fuck them. I’m not having this garbage going out with my name on it.”
“The contracts are signed,” I explain, fighting to keep my cool. “It’s too late. They’re great pieces,” I add, trying to soothe him like I always do. He rants, I talk him off the edge: it’s
a tired routine by now, but it works. “You loved the samples when we saw them last month.”
“And now I fucking can’t stand them!” Jacob roars, sending a shower of spit in my direction. “What the hell do I pay you for? Fix it.”
Here’s where I always calm him down: giving him an ego-boost about how talented he is, and how he’s doing a service, giving the masses a taste of his exquisite design. I tell him how projects like this give him freedom to do a more expensive line, and how all his rivals would kill for this kind of exposure.
But today, I feel a spark of stubbornness. “No.” I glare back, folding my arms.
Jacob blinks in surprise, but before I can stop myself, I keep talking, all my private thoughts suddenly tumbling out of my mouth in one long torrent of truth.
“You need to stop acting like such a little brat, and start being a professional. You made the deal, approved the designs, and now you’re stuck with them,” I tell him, my annoyance growing. “And just because you’re the boss, it doesn’t mean you can talk to everyone like they’re completely worthless. You made Andi in accounting cry last week. I don’t care how talented you are, you can’t run this company alone, so try acting like a decent human being for a change!”
Jacob gapes at me. “What the fuck did you just say?” he finally finds his voice.
“The truth,” I tell him, my heart racing. I know I’m being crazy right now, but I can’t stop myself.
“And by the way, I quit.”
I turn on my heel and walk away, leaving Jacob shell-shocked behind me. I head back to my office, grab a carton, and start packing my desk, adrenaline pumping through my body. I can’t believe I just did that! But instead of panic, I feel nothing but relief. This is the right decision, it has to be.
“That was quick.” Lily wanders in. She pauses, watching me. “What are you doing?”
“Cleaning my desk.”
She gasps. “He fired you?”
“Nope. I resigned,” I reply cheerfully as I empty my drawers. “Can you pass me that vase?”
Lily stares at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Alicia?” she asks carefully. “Are you feeling OK? I know you’ve been down recently.”
“I’m feeling great,” I reply, sweeping an armful of paperwork aside. Spreadsheets, purchase orders…I won’t be needing any of them now. Let someone else deal with the mess.
“But…you can’t do this. You’re not in your right mind.” Lily looks around, panicked. “I’m sure if you went back and apologized—”
“I don’t need to say I’m sorry,” I reply. “Really, I’m fine. I just don’t want to work here anymore.”
Lily blinks. “This isn’t like you,” she says, still looking at me like I’ve just stripped naked and danced around the office. “Is this about that guy?”
“No,” I reply, then pause. “Yes. I don’t know. I just know that there’s more than this.” I try to explain the impulse that’s seized hold of me. “Being with Dex, it opened my eyes to everything. I’ve been planning my future so long, always looking ahead, I keep ignoring right now. Life’s too short.”
“Dex?” Lily pauses, frowning. “Huh. You never told me his name before.”
“Dex Callahan,” I reply.
Lily’s mouth drops open. She gapes in disbelief. “Him?”
“Him.” I nod, throwing the last of my things in the carton. I grab my purse, already reaching for my phone to call a cab. “Can you take care of this stuff? I have to go. Right now.”
“But…where are you going?” Lily looks totally confused, but for the first time in weeks, I have perfect clarity.
I won’t let life pass me by. I don’t want to live with my regrets this time, not when there’s still a chance to make this right.
“I’m going to Vegas.”
34.
DEX
The screams hit us the minute we step out of the cab.
“Dex! Ohmygod, DEX!”
“Austin, Austin, I love you!!”
“Over here, please!”
There are cameras flashing everywhere, a fucking mess of fans and paparazzi all pushing at the hotel security guards, desperate to grab us as we pass.
“Shit,” Austin curses, struggling to pull free from a couple of teenage girls. “I thought we registered at the hotel under fake names.”
“Someone must have leaked it.” I grit my teeth and plough through the crowd, holding tight to my guitar case. It’s crazy out here, total chaos, blinding behind my shades, but finally we fight our way inside the hotel.
“I’ll get you guys sorted,” our manager Eddy comes to meet us, waving bellhops over to grab our bags. “Here are your key cards,” he says, handing out the envelopes. “I had them supply extra in case you feel like inviting some friends,” he winks.
Austin chuckles, but I just scowl. “Keep the fucking keys,” I growl, emptying the spares to the floor. I stride away, heading for the elevator, and hitting the button for my floor with enough force to send the elderly couple beside me quickly exiting in search of another ride up.
“Easy there.” Austin steps in just before the doors close. “Someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. Or was it the wrong bed?” he asks with a knowing look.
“The only thing I’m sharing my bed with these days is a bottle of Jack.” I slump back against the wall as the elevator swoops higher. Ever since Alicia, I haven’t looked twice at another woman. What’s the point?
“Hey, I was just kidding around.” Austin frowns, clearly concerned. “You holding up OK?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I sigh. “I just need to get this tour started. Once we’re on the road, I’ll be better. More distractions, you know?”
Austin nods. “Still, any time you need to talk, I’m here. Just maybe knock first,” he adds with a wink.
I laugh, stepping off on our floor. “One day you’re going to fall for some girl like a ton of bricks,” I warn him, heading for my room. “And when that day comes, I’ll be right here, laughing my fucking ass off.”
“Well, until that happens, I’ll just have to keep busy,” Austin grins. “And there were a couple of girls in the lobby I bet could help me out with that…”
I throw my water bottle at him, and he ducks just in time.
“Fuck you!” Austin calls, as I let myself into the room.
The lights are already on, and there’s a half-dressed woman draped across the bed.
“Hey baby,” she coos, waving. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
Fuck.
My heart falls. It’s Jamie Keller, an actress the guys know from around the Hollywood scene—and the last woman I want sprawled half-naked in my hotel suite. We ran into her at a restaurant back in LA, and suddenly, she figures I’m the man of her dreams. I’m not arrogant enough to think it’s anything to do with me. She’s the kind of girl who likes the front page, and she knows that with me, it’s headlines for sure.
“How did you get in?” I demand, too tired to be dealing with this crap. We’ve been traveling all day, I just want to collapse and chill out.
“I have my ways,” she winks, leaning over so I can get an eyeful down her bra. She looks like she just stepped off a magazine shoot, all blonde hair and black lace curves, but I don’t feel a thing looking at her, just numb.
“You need to get out of here.” I try to stay polite. “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested.”
“You haven’t even gotten to know me yet,” Jamie coos, licking her lips. “We’ll have some fun, I promise.”
I snap. There’s only one woman I want to see right now, and she’s a thousand miles away.
Because you fucked it up. You walked away.
“You look stressed,” Jamie adds, getting up. “Let’s get you nice and relaxed.” She reaches for my shoulders, trying to massage me.
“I told you, just leave me alone!” I grab her arm hustle her towards the door. “Nothing’s going to happen, so quit pulling these stunts! There are a dozen celebrities in to
wn right now,” I add, scooping her dress from where she’s left it on the floor. “Go chase after one of them.”
I shove her dress and shoes into her arms, and slam the door in her face.
Silence.
I take a deep breath, leaning to rest my head against the door. Dammit. I shouldn’t have snapped, but I couldn’t help it. A hundred girls lined up to spend the night with me, and I can only think about one.
Alicia.
Every day apart from her has been pure torture. I don’t know how I can take much more of this. It’s why I agreed to this big reunion tour, and the awards show appearance this weekend. All the guys were cautious, they know how I don’t want to go diving back into the deep end. It was emotional enough just getting back together in the same room for the first time. We’ve all been dealing with stuff since Connor died; none of us wanted to risk our sanity by charging full throttle down a familiar dangerous road. No, this time we’d do it differently, we decided. A Greatest Hits package, a couple of new songs, some low-key gigs around town—that was the deal. Small, manageable. But after one week without Alicia, I couldn’t handle the pain. Small and manageable might keep me sane, but it won’t obliterate the ache slicing deep in my chest when I think about her, or the shock that crashes through my system just catching a glimpse of red hair on the street.
She’s all I want in the world, and I drove her away. Me and my jealousy, my crazy demands. I can’t believe I was so stupid, making it all or nothing. I was angry, out of my mind with jealousy, but that was no excuse. Right now I’d settle for anything, be any part of her life at all: a word, a kiss.
Her heart.
There’s a tap at my door, insistent. I fling it open, furious. “I told you to get the fuck away—”
“Great to see you too, big brother.” Tegan leans up and lands a kiss on my cheek. She’s got a duffle bag over her shoulder, wearing a tiny pair of cut-off jeans that I’d have words with her about if I wasn’t so deep in self-loathing and misery.
“Hey.” I stand aside as she breezes in. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
