by Robyn Neeley
“Yet you sleep with me?”
“I can cope with that, just not plans for the future. I can’t manage that.”
“Let’s deal with the present then.” He let go of her hand and moved back. “It’s your decision, you know how I feel and the next move is up to you.”
Nodding, Carly moved a few steps away from him. Why did it have to be so hard? Wiping her eyes, she peered at the ship, distracting herself by trying to spot Liam. Her brother stood on the deck, watching her with his lips twisted up, shaking his head; it was easy for Liam to say she should stay away. He’d never, to her knowledge, been in love.
Steve traipsed past her, clutching a kitbag and looking back over his shoulder. Behind her, Ali drew a shuddering breath and glancing back, she was relieved to see Daniel had put his arm around his sister and handed her a tissue. Love could be so painful. She would have gone over herself to comfort Ali, but in her present mood, suspected that Ali would find her presence more annoying than helpful. Here she was, able to see Daniel every day, and yet still unable to give him the love that he wanted.
Chains rattled from the harbour side and she hugged her coat around herself, as the Sea Harvester switched on its engines. A sharp reek of fuel filled the air, followed by a trail of smoke. Liam smiled and waved, taking hold of the gunwale as the boat slid away from its moorings. Carly waved back, standing by the rail as the trawler reversed and straightened, before chugging across the bay toward the wide, open sea beyond. Looking at the purple line of storm clouds, she closed her eyes. He must come back safe, Liam was the only family she had.
They needed another half a million to buy the lifeboat and until that money was raised, all the fishermen in Haven Bay were at risk. Already other townsfolk were questioning if the boat was necessary — unfortunately, Duncan was the town councillor and people tended to listen to him. Mick was adamant that they needed it though and she’d take his word over Duncan’s any day.
Turning away from the rail as the small boat vanished into the winter mist, she shook her head when Ali inhaled deeply. Pregnancy must make women more emotional, because the girl she remembered didn’t used to cry so much; when she got hit by a boom and needed ten stitches in her head, she hadn’t even screamed. They’d been close friends once, but after the accident she’d stopped going around to see her, mostly because she didn’t want to hear about Daniel, but also due to the memories it brought back of the three of them sailing together. Ali only took out a boat for pleasure now; it had been her decision to stop.
Walking over to where Daniel stood beside his sister, she smiled at Ali.
“Are you OK?” she said.
“Not really. I don’t want to give birth by myself, while my husband hauls in cod on the Atlantic.”
“Is there anyone else who can be with you? What about a friend?”
Ali stiffened and Carly cursed herself for her lack of tact. Once she’d been Ali’s best friend.
“I’d like mum,” Ali said, “but since she passes out at the sight of blood, I think she’ll be more hindrance than help. I ate loads of curries over Christmas in the hope it would set me off, however, it made no difference. It’s scary being alone, I don’t even know how to look after a baby.”
“Your mum would be able to help you there, don’t worry about that.”
“Easier to say when it’s not you that has to do it.”
“True, I don’t know much about babies. Linda does though, she’d come and give you a hand.”
“I’d like my husband to give me a hand; what was the point of all those classes when he’s not here?”
Carly took a step back. There was no reasoning with Ali today.
“Mum’s arrived to give you a lift back, sis,” Daniel said, looking back at the car park.
She nodded and walked slowly across the tarmac toward the waiting car.
“Such a shame,” Carly said, watching her. “I wouldn’t fancy that either, but then I’ve not had much to do with babies, except Jack and he’s seven now, which is a different thing.”
Daniel linked arms with her. “Have you ever considered having children?” he said.
She shook her head, tensing. “I’m not against the idea, but it’s never come up.”
“You didn’t think about it before, when we were together?”
“Only as a vague thing that might happen in the future, my mother was so terrible, I’m wary about having children. What if I turn out the same way?”
“You’re nothing like your mother and I think you’d make a great mum.”
“I don’t know, Daniel, it’s all very confusing at the moment.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” He strode down the steps to the beach and she followed him, a layer of frozen snow across the sand crunching under her boots. In front of them, the rising sun glowed pink and yellow across the sky, the crisp air numbing her nose and lips. In the distance, a dog barked, running free on the beach and, glancing toward the tiny shape at the other side of the sand, she was aware that they were alone.
He must have realised too, because his arm tightened over her shoulder, pulling her against him and, leaning down, he kissed her.
“Have you made a decision yet?” he said.
She shook her head, muscles stiffening.
“I’m not going to rush you, but we can’t carry on like this indefinitely. I don’t want to spend each night wondering if you’re going to break it off again in the morning.”
“I love being with you, it feels right, but it’s your job. Accepting that I’ll have to watch you heading off every morning to training and race, while I stay behind to mind the shop. I think I’ll resent it after the initial excitement has worn off and that will tear us apart.”
“Or you might find you accept it.” He stared directly down, his grey eyes darkening.
“I’m not sure if I can, when you’re not with me … ” Her voice trailed off.
“You hate me?”
“No, I feel confused. I never expected this to happen, for there to be any chance of us getting back together.”
“Neither did I, that’s why I got engaged to Imogen. It never felt right though, and the moment I saw you, standing in the snow, I realised why. I’m not going to persuade you to come back though, if you don’t want to, I just can’t cope with this continual hot and cold, you need to make a decision and if it’s a no, I’m going to return back to my flat and the team.”
“I thought you weren’t going to pressure me?” She pulled back, but he tightened his arm, holding her against him.
“Surely you can see that this can’t go on forever? If you can’t work out in this time whether you want to be with me, then maybe the answer is no.”
“It’s not you, it’s never been you.”
“I know that. It’s because of what I did, and because of the person I’ve become, that’s what you can’t accept, I understand that. Shane explained it to me. I didn’t want to hear it at the time, but now that I’ve had the chance to think about what he said, I realise he was right. Of course it would be impossible for you to have stayed with me two years ago, how could you have seen all your own dreams destroyed, then been expected to support me in mine? No one could have done that, I couldn’t have done that if it was the other way around, and I didn’t have as good a chance as you did.” He reached down to grip her hands. “You were selected for the Olympic team, Carly, a guaranteed place, Shane told me later. He didn’t want you to know because he thought it would upset you further, but I think it’s important that you do.”
Carly lowered her head to hide the tears in her eyes. The Olympic team! She’d had a place and no one had ever told her. Without the accident, she could have won a medal too, the gold that she’d spent eight years of her life training for — sacrificing her friends, social life, and even her education. It had been taken aw
ay from her by the man who held her now in his arms, the man she loved.
“Carly, say something?” he said, leaning down to look at her.
She swallowed and raised her head, knowing her mouth was set and cheeks wet.
“I shouldn’t have told you,” he said.
“I’m glad you did, I’d have always wondered if I’d been good enough. At least now I know I was, but it also makes what I lost seem even greater. I could be out there with you as part of the Olympic team instead of stumbling across the harbour, leaning on a stick. Our lives are so different, I can’t see how we can ever have a future together.”
“Don’t say that,” he whispered. “Carly, don’t!”
His voice broke and she leaned against him, her head pressing into his shoulder — this was so hard! She couldn’t bear to hurt him again, but if she stayed with him, it could only get more painful. No, she couldn’t cope with that, best to finish it now, before he became such an important part of her life it would break her heart to leave him.
“I’m sorry,” she said, pulling away from him, blinded by tears. “I never should have gotten involved with you again, I knew it was wrong. I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I hurt you again.”
Turning, she stumbled across the beach, wind chapping her face. Glancing back once, she saw him standing still where she had left him on the frozen sand, his hand across his face and shoulders slumped.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Daniel put his fork down and took a mouthful of tea; it helped melt the hard lump that prevented him swallowing his dinner. His mother glanced at him, then at his plate, and frowned. Usually he had a good appetite, not today though.
“Are you all right?” Ali said, white-faced, she sat opposite him toying with her food also. A couple of times she’d put her hand to her stomach and he’d watched her, tensing, but she didn’t say anything and he exhaled in relief. That last thing he needed was Ali going into labour tonight, not when he could only think of Carly. This time there was no chance of them getting back together, he couldn’t keep being yanked about like a dog on a leash.
Perhaps he shouldn’t have told her about being on the team, but it would have come out eventually and then she’d have demanded to know why he hadn’t told her sooner. In fact he would have mentioned it earlier if he’d known it would have such an impact on her; it just hadn’t seemed so important, until he saw the expression on her face. Of course, it hadn’t appeared so vital to him because he had two golds and numerous other trophies. Carly didn’t.
Ali caught her breath, leaning back in the chair, swaying slightly.
“Is it worth ringing the midwife?” his mother said, looking at her.
“I’m fine, just a bit of back ache,” she said. “I don’t think anything’s going to happen for a few days and Steve will be home at the weekend.”
“You’ll be over your due date by then.”
“First babies take ages, Mum, everyone knows that.”
“I just wish your father was here, especially on a night like this.”
Ali froze. “It’s just a bit of rain, nothing serious. I checked the weather forecast earlier and they never mentioned a storm.”
Daniel glanced out the kitchen window. In the garden, the back fence was straining against its posts and the apple trees bent close to the ground. A rattle of hail hit the glass and he shivered. What would it be like for the crew of the Harvester, out in the ocean? Liam was on his first trip and the powerful, fifteen foot waves of an Atlantic gale were very different from the coastal weather he was used to.
“What’s it like?” Ali said.
He looked at her, seeing her place a hand against her lower back. “It’s fine, just a bit blowy, the trawler will be fine.”
“But you don’t know the ocean in winter.”
“I’ve sailed on it.” He’d never told his family about volunteering with the Padstow lifeboat, they’d guess immediately why he did it, and his mother was fed up with him feeling guilty. Certainly, she blamed Carly for the fact he never returned to Haven Bay, his mother could never understand the all-consuming obsession of a professional sportsperson. To be fair, most people didn’t, unless you were one yourself, or married to one; the spouses suffered too.
Staring at his plate, he tapped his fork against the china. Carly would have been one of those spouses, the type who accepted an early morning wake-up call, no holidays and your husband vanishing for part the year. And she would have done so knowing that the person who spent all day training ought to have been her. Lost in dreams of them married, he hadn’t appreciated what life would be like living together, but she had.
Imogen used to be sympathetic when he came home in a foul mood because he’d lost, or made a mistake which cost him points. He couldn’t come home to Carly and complain about the difficulties of his day.
But despite all that, he still wanted her back, couldn’t accept that he might never see her again. It was even more painful this time because he knew now that she couldn’t be replaced, there was only one woman for him. If Imogen, with her kindness and cheerful smiles hadn’t been enough, then it was time to accept that no one would be.
Dropping the fork, he swallowed another mouthful of his tea and looked at Ali.
“Will you be all right if I go out for a drink?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” his sister said.
“Ring if you need me, I’ll be in the sailing club bar.” Rising, he frowned and looked at her again, she didn’t look comfortable. If the baby was coming, then he’d have to drive her to the hospital and possibly stay with her. It wasn’t a thought he relished — they were close, but it should be Steve with her, or failing that, his mother, but since neither of them could do it, if Ali needed him, he’d have to help her.
Taking his jacket from a peg, he went down the hall and opened the front door, pulling up his hood as the wind seared across his face with a blast of icy sleet. Damn this weather, it caused nothing but trouble. He needed to get out though, to clear his head, forget Carly. A few drinks would do that; hopefully on a night like this the bar would be empty. Striding down the path, he glanced at his sister’s car and cursed. He couldn’t even drown his sorrows tonight, if Ali went into labour, he’d have to drive.
• • •
Carly lay in bed, staring up at the flickering of her bedroom light on the ceiling. Every few minutes the power would dim and she’d glance at the small lamp, wondering how long the power lines could stay up in this weather. Was Liam all right? The skipper was experienced, but even confident seamen floundered on a night such as this. It arrived so fast, this gale, sending thundering torrents of rain pouring from the sky, melting the remains of the snow and tearing bushes from the ground in the park. Was Liam scared? Clinging to the trawler as it tossed helplessly in the giant waves? Thumping the mattress, she knew there was nothing she could do, Liam’s fate was in the hands of the weather and the strength of the Sea Harvester.
Hugging her brushed cotton penguin pyjamas, she shivered again at the groan of the trees outside; it would have been nice to have Daniel beside her, comforting her with his warm presence. Drawing a shaky breath, she wiped her eyes again, the skin beneath red and sore. Even though she’d known it would hurt, the depth of the pain still shocked her. She’d expected to cry, to want to stay in bed. She hadn’t expected to vomit, to lay sobbing on the bathroom floor as if bereaved. Although, in some way, she was. Didn’t people say that divorce was as hard to accept as death? They were right. Daniel still lived, thank goodness, but she would have to watch from a distance as he fell in love and married another. Because he would, of course, he’d already been engaged once since they split up, it wouldn’t take him too long to find another girl. One who suited him better than she did.
The expression in his eyes, though — that was what she found hard to forget, he didn’t look like he thought s
he’d done him a favour, he looked destroyed. She thought his feelings were driven by guilt, but maybe she’d been wrong. Perhaps he did love her, it was so hard to know. They’d been apart for such a long time. Turning over, she punched the pillow. If breaking up with him had been the right thing to do, then why did she feel so wretched?
The wind crashed against her window again and kneeling on the bed, she pulled back the curtain to look out. Under the edge of a glow from the rising sun, the trees waves wildly, as if electrocuted by a giant bolt of lightning and in the dark sea, huge waves smashed down, white tipped and angry. A loud crash echoed from the paving slabs outside and she jumped, peering down at the shattered remains of a red roof tile.
How would Ali be feeling tonight? Knowing that her baby could come any moment, while her husband fought the waves, far out to sea?
Well, she wasn’t going to stay here listening to the crashing of trees, she’d go down to the harbour to see if Liam’s boat had returned. When she saw it tied to the jetty, because of course, it wouldn’t stay at sea in this weather, she’d be able to sleep. Sliding out of bed, she pulled a pair of tracksuit trousers over her pyjamas, then yanked on a thick sweater and thrust her feet into winter boots. Wrapped in a duffel coat and with a cable knit woollen hat pulled over her ears — this was no weather for an umbrella — she grabbed her keys and stick, before letting herself out of the flat.
Outside, she gasped as the vicious icy wind ripped across her cheeks. This was insane, Mick would be furious if he saw her. Planting the cane hard on the ground, she bent over and shuffled along, stepping around the fallen tree branches lying like huge tangled bird nests, topped with roof tiles instead of eggs. There was a snap above her and she jerked sideways as a sapling crashed down. Carly stared at it, hands shaking. Should she go back? Shielding her eyes, she peered across the harbour from a safe distance.
High green waves crashed onto the pontoon, knocking the boats together in an explosion of spray. Out on the ocean, Liam’s hands would be numb and his breath freezing in the air. An icy deluge shot over the sea wall, crashing against her legs and knocking her sideways. Slamming her cane to the ground, she hauled herself up, soaked to the thighs, when another wave smashed over the cobblestones and she went down again, groaning as the freezing water burned her skin.
