—Randy
AFTERMATH
After coming to terms with the fact that she was dead serious, I asked her to leave. It was midnight and she lived fifty miles away, but I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting another minute of my life with her.
DIMINISHING RETURNS
We were fighting one day and he drew me a graph on his whiteboard of hours spent together vs. utility derived from the relationship. He argued that us going on nice dates is just as good as him sitting on my couch playing video games for eight hours. Not only did he graph our relationship, he completely missed the concept of diminishing marginal utility. Good job, econ major.
—Peaches
AFTERMATH
We broke up the next morning, and were on and off for a few more months. Maybe his social sciences improved with the next girl.
FUTURE GREETER
She told me her goal in life was to retire from Wal-Mart. I responded along the lines of “You’re joking, right?” She hung up on me, and then wouldn’t answer the phone. When I stopped by her house, her mother answered the door saying, “She don’t wanna talk to you, you’ve upset her…”
—Doug
AFTERMATH
I never saw her face-to-face again, recovered the few items I left at her place, and only look back to laugh at how happy I am that I’ve moved on.
STARTING OVER
My boyfriend of nine years told me he would never leave me because, “As hard as this relationship is, it would be harder to start over with someone else.”
—Tofu
AFTERMATH
I stayed for another year before realizing what an ass he was.
IT WAS WRONG
I walked out of my house to find a letter on my car wherein he wrote that he could not continue the relationship any longer because Jesus told him it was wrong.
—Kate
AFTERMATH
I didn’t think the letter warranted a response. I heard he is now married. Hopefully Jesus approves.
CHEAP
We had been dating for a year and a half and he gave me $20 in a card for Christmas.
—Lauren
AFTERMATH
Pretty sure he is seeing someone else. If I’m only worth $20, I’d hate to see what she gets.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
He invited me over to watch the new Battlestar Galactica miniseries. After it was over, he declared that the decision to run from the Cylons was cowardly, though he acknowledged that to stay and fight meant the end of the human race. A true patriot would have fought anyway, he said. Then he informed me that the show was obviously anti–Iraq war propaganda, and that he was a fervent supporter of President George W. Bush.
—Shannon
AFTERMATH
I would have ended it right then, but felt bad because we had already purchased tickets to see the premiere of the last Lord of the Rings movie with mutual friends a few days later.
PREMARITAL SEX
She kept telling me that I needed to go to church with her. When I asked why, she said, “Because God loves us and only wants us to love and obey him.” I asked her how she reconciled our premarital sex with her orthodox religiosity and she told me to shut the “F” up.
—Patricio
AFTERMATH
We broke up about a month later. The sex wasn’t that good anyway.
THE PROPOSAL
He informed me that he fully intended on proposing to his ex-girlfriend.
—Peg
AFTERMATH
Whatever we had lasted approximately ten minutes after he informed me of this—over breakfast.
FLEA-INFESTED CAT
She took all the money inside our joint account and left me with her flea-infested cat. I hate cats.
—Bernard
AFTERMATH
I had the cat neutered.
RETEACH
She told me I loaded the dishwasher wrong and she was going to have to reteach me everything my mother had ever taught me.
—Gone
AFTERMATH
Packed up a U-Haul and bounced back to the East Coast.
DIRT NAP
I came home one night to find him totally smashed and angry about something. In his drunken stupor he told me, “You better be careful, or you’re gonna be taking a dirt nap.”
—Alive & Well
AFTERMATH
I started looking for a place the next day.
DRUGSTORE COWBOY
He gave me pink, grandma-style drugstore slippers for Christmas, with tassels on them, no less. And they were the wrong size.
—Katy
AFTERMATH
We broke up the day after Christmas.
GUILTY CONSCIENCE
He told me that we couldn’t move in together because he’d feel guilty when he brought other girls home.
—Natalie
AFTERMATH
Moved in with the guy I was sleeping with before him.
LOSE ME…PLEASE
He called to let me know he wasn’t ready to lose me…or the woman two decades older than me who he had begun seeing.
—Stormy
AFTERMATH
It lasted as long as it took me to hang up the phone.
LOSE THE JERK INSTEAD
After pursuing me for a while, I finally agreed to date him. After a few dates and sex, he suggested I lose weight and then we could decide where the relationship was going.
—Michele
AFTERMATH
I ran into him a few times but we never dated or had sex again.
LAST RITES
I was out of town because my grandmother was dying. As the priest was giving her the Last Rites, he told me over the phone that it was unfair to him that I had been spending so much time with my family and no time with him over the previous four days. He also wanted to know when the funeral was scheduled to be, so he’d know when I’d be coming back home. She was still alive.
—Mel
AFTERMATH
I hung up on him after calling him selfish, and broke up with him very shortly thereafter.
GUINEA PIG CSI
I found my dead guinea pig behind the couch. He said he “accidentally” killed it while playing with it. I forgave him. A month later he “accidentally” killed another one and disposed of it in the trash can next to the can of ravioli he made right after the “accident.”
—Secret
AFTERMATH
I dumped him.
BUT FRIENDS IS ON…
When I got pregnant, we couldn’t have sex—too risky—so eleven months later I was more than ready. Imagine my surprise when I lit the candles, put on the lingerie, and presented myself to my husband, only to be told, “Um, can we do this tomorrow? It’s the season premiere of Friends and I don’t wanna miss it.”
—Vixxen
AFTERMATH
The relationship ended that evening, in my heart anyway, and I asked for a divorce three months later.
PIERCING
I called my boyfriend and heard a noisy background, so I asked where he was. He replied that he was at a piercing place with some friends. As the conversation carried on, I found out he went with a few girls—who I didn’t know—to get his penis pierced.
—TLC
AFTERMATH
I told him since he needed a few random girls to hold his penis while it got pierced, he didn’t need me. It was over two hours later.
BEAR TRAP
After a summer full of bear sightings, we were walking through my boyfriend’s rural backyard when we heard a loud crashing headed in our direction. I turned to him to see if he thought we should run. He’d already grabbed the cat, run back in the house, and was looking out the patio door.
—Amarylis
AFTERMATH
It took me three more years to realize that I should have run…away from him.
GAME ON
I kept beating him in every video game we played and it really pissed him off. In the end, he tried forbid
ding me to play at all.
—Cecilie
AFTERMATH
He wanted a gamer girl and he got one. Too bad he wasn’t man enough to handle it.
WASH THAT MAN RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HAIR
For my boyfriend’s birthday I had gone to a lot of trouble and told him we needed to leave the house by 6:30 or the night’s events would be derailed. At 6:30, I was sitting on the couch, ready to go. He came out and whined that his hair wasn’t working and said he needed to rewash it. He rewashed it two more times (for a total of four hair washings and another hour delay).
—Elizabeth
AFTERMATH
All I could see was how high-maintenance he was and we broke up a few months later.
PURPLE JAWS
The 2009 Golden Globes did a tribute to Steven Spielberg, and he said, “Spielberg didn’t direct Jaws.” I said “What?!” He said, “He may have produced it, but he didn’t direct it.” Pause. “He didn’t direct The Color Purple, either.”
—Dirks
AFTERMATH
I moved out.
CRAPPY GIFT
After a four-year relationship, he gave me a toilet seat for my birthday present. He said: “I knew you needed one and I couldn’t think of what else to get you.” And he didn’t even wrap it!
—Wanda
AFTERMATH
Unfortunately, I’m reminded of him every day, actually several times a day.
HOURGLASS
I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure.” She snapped, “Oh really…well, perhaps I should do some plus-size modeling!” I went into damage-control mode and tried to clarify my comments but only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy.”
—Kevin
AFTERMATH
With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.
THE BIRDS
Birds were chirping outside my window and she complained. I pulled out a pellet gun, and she flipped out. She said, “For future reference, it’s always a bad idea to pull out a gun when you have a girl in your bed.”
—RS
AFTERMATH
She left and never saw me again.
WAY TO SELL YOURSELF
We had been dating long distance for a couple months when he called to tell me he had just slapped the crap out of some random woman who disagreed with something he had said. He was quite excited about it too.
—Taylor
AFTERMATH
I stopped answering his calls.
NO HABLO ESPAÑOL
I knew it was over when a year and a half into one of my relationships, he told me he failed Spanish class (in college). He was telling me at a moment when he just wanted to share his feelings, he was sad, and I realized that it so turned me off, this utter lack of effort or motivation.
—Carol
AFTERMATH
Of course, I look back and realize how awful I am to men, so unforgiving, without empathy, and I wonder why men date me at all.
I MARRIED A WITCH, LITERALLY
After six years of marriage, two of which saw me as an associate pastor, she announced that she is and had been a practicing Wiccan, complete with a witch name and a regularly scheduled meeting place for her coven.
—Cluelessinohio
AFTERMATH
Three years after our divorce, my girlfriend cut her finger and joked, “Maybe there’s a curse on me?”
DEPLOYED
My sister was deployed to Iraq. I cried. My boyfriend told me to “man up” and asked what I was going to make for dinner.
—Marie
AFTERMATH
I told him to pack his stuff and go.
MANNERS
CLAMATO
She was rubbing my shoulders. My shirt was off, allowing me to feel the warm exhale of her belch before I nosed the cloud of cheeseburger and Clamato gas that engulfed me. She said nothing and kept humming as if nothing had happened.
—William
AFTERMATH
It was long distance already, making it easy enough to just quit.
GAMER
It was over when he compared my breasts to a video game.
—RIP
AFTERMATH
It ended the next morning after a year-plus of being together.
VALENTINE HAZING
It was over when he canceled our dinner plans so he could haze his fraternity’s pledges. On Valentine’s Day.
—M.
AFTERMATH
I’m never dating a frat boy again.
HOT OR NOT?
He made me change my Facebook profile pic because the one I had up wasn’t hot enough and he wanted his friends to see how hot I was.
— NotaDoormat
AFTERMATH
Decided I couldn’t take any more crap.
MESSAGE SUBTEXT
I went out to dinner with an old girlfriend. Up front, I asked if she was seeing anyone. She replied, “No.” After dinner, we went back to my place to watch a movie. She had been rudely texting most of the evening through dinner and our conversations…so I was curious at this “text-pal.” I maneuvered to give her a shoulder massage and looked onto her phone and discovered explicit texts to some guy.
—Sally
AFTERMATH
Movie concluded. I drove her home and she asked why I didn’t invite her to stay the night…
SPEECHLESS
I was in the middle of a sentence and he started moving his hand in a “talking” motion (fingers and thumb touching together as a mouth opening and closing). He looked straight at me, turned to his hand, and used his other hand to shut it. Apparently, I was supposed to stop talking. I didn’t say another word…
—Kelli
AFTERMATH
…until I ended it.
KNEE-HIGH
In real life, my Internet date didn’t like to smile, expected me to pay for the entire date, barely spoke, wore knee-high socks with shorts, and had horrible breath. I jumped a curb trying to get away from him.
—rockandroll2442
AFTERMATH
We never spoke again, but he did find me on another social networking site a year and a half later. He pretended not to know who I was, and told me I was attractive and wanted to know if I would like to get together sometime.
THE HORROR, THE HORROR
We were wrapped up in her comforter on the couch post-coitus, watching TV and eating one of those giant chocolate bars. As her hands got smeared with melting chocolate, I watched in horror as she wiped her fingers on the edge of the blanket we were in, then calmly folded over the chocolate-covered corner. I knew it wasn’t going to work right there.
—Rob
AFTERMATH
The relationship lasted for six months, off and on.
RUG BURN
We were visiting my very conservative parents for the first time. My mother made a comment about getting new carpeting. My girlfriend bent down and rubbed her hand across the floor and exclaimed that this was great “girl carpet” because it’s “so soft on your knees!”
—Will
AFTERMATH
This was just one of many times she made these type of comments to see what kind of reaction she’d get. My reaction was to rethink where our relationship was going.
WHITE BALL OF FLAME
He threw his legs over his shoulders and proudly lit a thunderous fart on fire with a lighter.
—Tiff
AFTERMATH
Ended shortly thereafter, for obvious reasons. The white ball of flame was impressive, though.
CLIPPERS
I noticed he was picking at his toes. A few minutes later, I noticed that he was holding something between his thumb and index finger. Before I knew it, he had put the mystery piece in his mouth and about a minute later I heard a crunch sound. “Are you eating your toenail?” I asked. He looked embarrassed when he said, “Yes, it’s a nervous habit of mine.”
—Bethany
AFTERMATH
We are
actually still living together, but not for much longer.
SANDWICHES
My boyfriend would regularly and gleefully make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for random homeless drug addicts but wouldn’t make me breakfast—or lunch or dinner for that matter—without a huge fight.
—Amy
AFTERMATH
Oddly, he would get angry with me if I made myself food and didn’t share it with him. We lasted a tortuous two years.
TARDY
On our second date, I showed up at the designated meeting spot at 7:45 p.m. Forty-five minutes later, he texted me to say he was leaving his apartment and he’d be there soonish, which would have made him an hour and a half late for the date.
—Caramel Party
AFTERMATH
When I told him not to come because I was canceling the date due to his extreme tardiness and disrespect, he says, “What am I supposed to do now?” Hmm, perhaps learn how to not be a douchebag?
It Was Over When... Page 5
