by Nancy Mehl
He nodded. “You’re right.” He lowered his menu so he could meet my gaze again. “I hope I haven’t ruined our chance at being friends.”
I smiled at him. “Of course not. It’s nice to have someone to talk to besides Esther. Not that she isn’t a wonderful person, but . . .”
“She’s quite a bit older than you . . . and Mennonite?” Jonathon filled in. “I understand. I’m glad you’re coming to the supper on Saturday. You’ll get to meet a lot of Sanctuary folks. I’m sure you’ll like them.”
“Sounds like Sanctuary’s best cooks will be showing off. How can I miss that?”
He laughed. “No one in their right mind would stay away.”
A woman with brown curly hair and a kind face showed up at our table with coffee.
“Hi, Maxie,” Jonathon said. “How’s the job working out?”
“I love it, Pastor. Thanks for recommending me. Randi’s a great boss, and I love spending time with people. It gets me out of the house.”
“Emily, this is Maxie Anderson. This wonderful lady attends my church. I’m very fortunate to be her pastor.”
“Nice to meet you, Maxie.” I shook her hand. “You must be very special.”
She colored and looked at the floor. “I don’t know about that, but I’m certainly blessed to have a pastor who saw I needed help and went out of his way to change my life.” She set the coffeepot on the table near me. “You see, I lost my husband last year. Being alone started to make me sad . . . and a little bitter. When Randi decided to hire a waitress, Pastor Jonathon almost forced me to take the job. I was pretty mad at him for a while. But now . . .” She blinked away tears. “Well, I look forward to getting up in the morning again. These people are not only my friends, they’re my family.” Her eyes seemed to lock on to mine. “I’ve found that being alone isn’t good. It shrinks your soul.”
Startled, all I could do was nod. The woman didn’t even know me. So why did her words feel as if they were directed toward me?
She took our orders, picked up the coffeepot, and scurried off.
I looked at Jonathon. “Wow, I’m impressed.”
“Don’t be,” he said. “Anyone could have figured it out. Randi’s the one who took a chance on her. Maxie had never waitressed before. Randi hired her anyway, and now she’s glad she did. Maxie does a great job, and everyone loves her.”
“Well, still. You helped her get out of the house and into a new life. Good for you.”
“Thanks.”
The restaurant was very busy, and I watched the people as much as I could. There were a lot of men seated around the room. Some were around the same age as Terrance Chase, but none of them looked like his picture. I was aware he could have changed his appearance, but there were some things he couldn’t change. The shape of his face and his height would remain, no matter what else he altered. From my research, I’d learned that Terrance Chase was five foot, ten inches. Back when he’d robbed the armored car company, he’d had brownish-red hair and hazel eyes. Stocky and muscular, he could have easily slimmed down by now, dyed his hair, and started wearing contacts. I’d studied his face so many times, I was hopeful I’d recognize him no matter what he did to disguise himself.
“Emily? Did you hear me?” Jonathon asked.
I turned my head to stare at him. “I’m sorry. I was just scoping out the room. This is such a great restaurant. I love the retro look.”
He nodded. “It’s certainly got atmosphere. Reminds me of a restaurant back in my hometown.”
I took a quick breath. “And where is that?”
“A little town called Kingdom, Kansas. A lot like Sanctuary, except it’s almost entirely Mennonite. Conservative Mennonite.”
“Really? You don’t seem like someone who grew up in a Mennonite town.”
“My whole family is Mennonite. For some reason, I just never seemed to fit. After . . .” He sighed. “Well, after something happened, I decided to leave. See if I could fit in better somewhere else. Not that I don’t love my family or my friends. I do. I go back to visit quite often. But I believe we all have a destiny, and mine wasn’t in Kingdom. I think that’s why I always felt different.”
“I understand,” I said. “We all feel like outsiders sometimes.”
After some small talk, Maxie brought our food. I’d ordered grilled chicken and wild rice. It was absolutely delicious. While I ate, Jonathon told me about his life in Sanctuary, and I just listened. He’d really fallen in love with this town and its people. When we finished eating, I was ready to leave. I just couldn’t take being this close to him any longer. My feelings were still so strong, I felt my resolve to stay away from him slipping.
“I need to get back to Esther’s.” I grabbed my purse. “I hate to run off, but unfortunately, I brought some work with me from the firm, and I need to catch up on it.”
“Last time we ate together, you had to leave to make a phone call. Now you have to work. Don’t you ever just relax?”
“When I can. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen very often.”
“I understand what that’s like, but we all need to take some time for ourselves once in a while.”
“I’m sure you’re right.”
He started to reach for my ticket, but I grabbed it before he could.
“Thanks, but I’ll get it. After all, we established that this wasn’t a date.”
He carefully pulled it out of my hand. “But I asked you to dinner. Date or not, it’s my treat.”
Rather than argue and make a scene, I relented. I went outside and stood on the front porch while Jonathon paid our tab. When he came outside, he seemed ill at ease. I felt the same way.
“Again, I apologize if I said anything that embarrassed you,” he said quietly as he walked me to my car.
I frowned at him. “One thing I don’t understand. Why would you be attracted to someone who told you they don’t believe in God? I mean, isn’t that some kind of rule or something? That you’re not supposed to be . . . what is it . . . unequally yoked?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it’s a rule. It’s really not in my nature to be so . . . flippant. But like I said, for some strange reason, I feel like I know you already.” He shook his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t make any sense.” He stuck out his hand. “If you’ll give me another chance, I’d like us to be friends. Deal?”
“Deal.” When I took his hand, I felt something like an electric shock go through me. Not trusting myself to look at him, I quickly slipped my hand out of his and opened my car door.
I got in my car, backed up, and pulled out into the street. As I drove away, I saw him in my rearview mirror, staring at me. Was there a part of him that recognized me? I still loved him desperately, but my life was clothed in a lie. One that I couldn’t get away from. If I allowed him to get too close, either he’d finally figure out who I really was or I’d have to tell him the truth. And then he would hate me. Hate me because of what I did in Kingdom, and hate me for lying to him.
“If You’re real, God,” I said out loud, “You’ve made it clear You don’t care anything about me. You didn’t help me when I was a child, and now You throw Jonathon in my face, showing me once again that I can never have him. What kind of God are You?”
When I pulled up in front of Esther’s, I took a few minutes to dry the tears on my face. As I picked up my purse, I realized there was an envelope lying on the passenger seat. I must have missed it when I’d tossed my purse down. I picked it up. There wasn’t any name on the outside. I tore it open and removed a folded piece of white paper. I gasped as I read it.
I know why you’re here. Leave town, or you’ll be sorry.
I stared down at the plain, nondescript letters. How could anyone know the truth? I felt anger wash through me. There was only one person who could have let the cat out of the bag. I grabbed my purse and the note and hurried into the house. Esther looked up at me from where she sat on the couch.
I walked over and handed her the note. “Can yo
u explain this?” I didn’t even try to keep the irritation out of my voice. I’d trusted one person. Just one. And look at what it got me.
Esther read the note then handed it back to me. “I have no idea who wrote this,” she said slowly. “I have not talked to anyone about you.”
I wanted to believe her. Mennonites took telling the truth very seriously, yet I’d watched my father and mother lie on a regular basis.
“If you didn’t tell anyone, what does this mean?”
“I have no idea, Emily. What are you going to do?”
I pondered her question. How could someone else know my reasons for being in Sanctuary? It certainly couldn’t be Chase. There wasn’t any way for him to know who I was and why I was here. Not yet, anyway.
“Well, I’m not leaving. Frankly, this only proves I’m on to something.”
“I don’t want you to put yourself in danger.”
I studied her for a moment before saying, “It’s hard for me to believe you care anything about me. I lied to you. I accepted a room in your house under false pretenses. So why are you being nice to me? Is it because you’re still convinced God has some kind of magical plan and you don’t want to ruin it?”
Esther smiled serenely. “No, it is not just that. You remind me so much of my son, Benjamin. He convinced himself that I could not love him because of the mistakes he made.”
“But he’s your son. I’m no one to you.”
Esther’s eyes widened. “That is not true, Emily. You are precious to God, and you are precious to me. Love is not something to be earned. Love is a gift that is given without strings attached.”
“Not in my experience. I’ve never had love without conditions.”
“I have no conditions, child. All I ask is that you tell me the truth from here on out. I may not be your family by blood, but I would like to be someone you can trust. Someone you know cares for you.”
For some reason, her words, which I was certain were spoken from a kind heart, upset me even more. “It’s late,” I snapped. “I’m sure you’d like to get to bed.”
She nodded. “Yes, it is past my bedtime, but if you would like to talk a while, I will stay with you.”
I started toward the stairs. “No, thank you. I have some work to do and need to go to my room.”
Esther stood up. Before I realized what she was doing, she came over and put her arms around me. I wasn’t used to being hugged, and I stiffened at her touch.
“You are someone in need of love, Emily. I hope you will allow me into your life.” She let me go and stepped back, looking up into my eyes. “There is not much an old woman can do for others. I can pray and cook for church meetings, but that is about it. Old bodies cannot keep up with young ones, I’m afraid. But my mind is not old. And the love in my heart is not old. When God sends someone my way, I take that very seriously.”
“I don’t think God sent me to you, Esther. I made the decision to come here. For reasons that God probably doesn’t approve of. I appreciate the invitation to stay in your home, and your kindness toward me, but if you think you’re going to save me or something, I’m afraid you’ll be very disappointed.”
“Perhaps,” she said. “We will see. But you are wrong if you do not believe God brought you here. By the time you leave, you will see this.”
“Whatever you say. I’m going to bed.” I left her standing there, staring at me. I knew it was rude, but I was exhausted and confused. This wasn’t going the way I’d planned. My search had to go into overdrive. I needed to find Chase, write my story, and get out of this town before I was found out—or before I lost my mind.
When I got to my room, I found Sam and Clyde waiting in the hall. I opened the door and let them in. Clyde went for the bed, and Sam took up his usual place on the floor. I wondered where Frances and Maizie were. Probably in Esther’s room.
I pulled the list of names from my purse, found my laptop, and began researching. I’d only been at it about thirty minutes when there was a knock at the door. Now what? I swung open the door and found Esther standing there with a small tray.
“Hot chocolate and cookies.” She held up the tray to show me. “Rebecca used to love this at night when she had to do homework. I thought it might help you pass the time more pleasantly.”
I stared at the elderly woman in surprise. The stairs were difficult for her, and she’d climbed them with this tray in her hands? After the way I’d spoken to her?
“Esther, what if you’d tripped and fallen?”
“Pshaw.” She handed me the tray. “As you see, I did not fall.”
I noticed she was breathing a little heavily and pointed it out.
She smiled. “Perhaps next time I will call you and you can come and get the tray.” She patted my arm. “But tonight I wanted you to be comfortable. I pray you get all your work done and still have a restful sleep. Good night, dear.”
As she walked away, I just watched her. When I heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, I closed the door to my room. Then I set the tray on top of the nightstand next to the bed and stared at it. I couldn’t remember one time in my entire life when my mother had brought me cookies or hot chocolate while I studied. My parents had seen school as nothing more than a bother. Something that was a waste of time for me. The minute I came through the door after school, I’d had to go to work. Clean the house. Do laundry. Make dinner. Any homework I did was done on the bus ride home. And sometimes late at night after they went to bed. Since we didn’t have electricity, I’d studied by candlelight. But even finding candles was difficult. Once I stole some from the hardware store and got caught. Harold Eberly, the owner, asked me why I needed them, and I told him. After that, he started giving me candles whenever I asked. Somehow, Cora Menlo, the owner of the restaurant before Lizzie, found out about my situation. She gave me a battery-operated lamp that was much better than the candles. And she kept me supplied with batteries. For a while, my grades got better, but then my father found the lamp. When he took it from me, he yelled, “We’re not charity cases. We don’t need nothin’ from Cora Menlo.” I’d found his protestations odd since my parents lived on charity.
Once again, I surprised myself by remembering kindnesses extended to me from different people in Kingdom. Why had I betrayed them? I rubbed my eyes, trying to push specters back into the dark, but they wouldn’t be quieted so easily. A flood of memories filled my head until it felt so full I wanted to scream.
After my father took the lamp away, it was back to studying by candlelight. Eventually, my eyes grew strained, and it became difficult to see. A teacher at school sent a letter home to my parents, telling them I needed glasses. Wanting to get the teacher off their backs, my mother gave me an old pair of my father’s. When I’d tried to tell her they didn’t fit, she’d slapped me in the face. “They were good enough for your father, and they’re good enough for you. You wear them or else.” One of the lenses actually helped me some, so when I read, I’d close the other eye and read through the lens that worked. They were big and ugly, but I wore them anyway. It was better than nothing.
After a while, it became too hard to study, and I gave up. My parents pulled me out of school when I turned sixteen anyway, so my ordeal with school ended. But my desire to learn had continued to smolder. Once I got away from Kingdom, I got a job as a waitress, bought glasses that were made for me, and began to study for my GED. After that, I enrolled in a community college, working three jobs and studying most nights with only a few hours of sleep. It was difficult, but I was close to earning my degree a year early. The internship at the paper, arranged by my school, had opened the door to the job I had now. I wanted to show my parents what I’d achieved. Not because I thought they would be proud, but because I wanted to prove to them that I had succeeded in spite of them. That I was worth something, after all. But that didn’t happen. I stumbled across an online version of a local paper from Washington, Kansas, a town not far from Kingdom. I could still feel the shock I’d experienced on the day
I found my father’s name in the obituaries. Even in death, his rejection had been clear. There were no survivors mentioned except my mother.
I climbed up on the bed and went back to work on my research. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about not being able to see anymore. I’d discovered laser eye surgery and now had 20/20 vision. I drank Esther’s hot chocolate and ate the delicious cookies she’d brought while I transferred the names I’d written down in my notebook to my computer. Clyde scooted closer to me, but I wasn’t certain if he wanted me to pet him or if he was just interested in my cookie.
After I typed up the names of men who’d moved to town after the robbery, I made another list of the men who’d moved away before June of 2011. There were nine single men on the first list and only two who’d left town. Of course, just because they’d left didn’t mean they weren’t Terrance Chase. Nine names so far. And I wasn’t finished. I still had to go through all the records up to now. I sighed. This was going to be harder than I’d imagined. I would need some help to whittle down the list some.
I checked my watch. It was only a little after ten. It wasn’t unusual for me to stay up until midnight during the week. Even later on the weekends, though I usually spent the time watching old movies on TV or reading a book. I’d just decided to look for something online when my phone rang. Surprised, I picked it up and said, “Hello?”
“Sophie, it’s Donnie.”
“Is Tom all right?”
“Yes, he’s fine. Still in isolation.”
“That’s a relief.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Not as good as I’d hoped. My cover is blown with the lady I’m staying with. I didn’t know the woman I picked to be my grandmother couldn’t have children. Thankfully, she says she’ll keep my secret. I’ve been doing some research and have some possibilities, but it’s going to take a while, and I’m not sure how much time I have.”
“What do you mean?”
