by Albion, Rex
“Perfect, a nice cool cider would be refreshing. I don’t want to drink too much alcohol, this early in the day,” he said, lifting the half-empty glass of mead, which had proved to be quite potent already.
“No, ignore that, Leona. Where Vandal comes from, they mean something quite different when they say cider. Some water would be lovely though,” Roxy interjected.
“Yes, Priestess. I shall fetch a jug immediately,” Leona said, and dropped a low courtesy that gave them both a mind-warping display of her ample chest.
Vandal blinked. “What’s wrong with cider?”
“Real cider is at least as strong as that mead,” Roxy said.
“Hard cider you mean?”
“I’m pretty sure you’ll get British cider, the original stuff, here,” Roxy said. “Hard cider isn’t even a thing in Europe. Most good cider makes your beers look like a soft drink as well. If you’re trying to avoid getting tipsy it’s not the way to go. Fantastic if you want a massive hangover though.”
“Right. I’ll have to remember that. I’m not sure I can cope if no-one drinks fruit juice here though. Might have to grow our own,” Vandal said.
“You can probably squeeze apples and oranges with your bare hands, with arms like that,” Roxy pointed out.
“Huh,” Vandal said, flexing his arm. “Is that why people spent all that time in the gym?”
“Beats me, but I’m sure we can make our own fruit juice if we really want to, and I certainly wouldn’t mind having some. My question is, can we find a magical fridge?”
Vandal laughed. “Yeah, that might be a bigger issue.”
“Leona’s a lovely girl, isn’t she?” Roxy said, a sly expression on her face.
“Yes, very friendly.”
“Easy on the eye too.”
“If you say so, I hadn’t really noticed.”
“Liar,” Roxy chuckled. “We should definitely work out how much money we can spare for coming back here though, this food is amazing. I bet we could get a great night of sleep in the rooms too. I don’t mind spending a little money on luxuries.”
“That’s fine by me. This is the best meal I’ve had in years.”
Leona came back with the jug of water on a serving tray, with a big, covered dish on it. She put the tray down and served them both glasses of cool water.
“What’s this?” Roxy asked, pointing to the dish which was covered with a silver dome to keep it warm. A small jug, two bowls and spoons had come with it.
Leona blushed. “I’m sorry, Ma’am. I didn’t mean anything by it, but when I told our cook that you’d been fighting bandits and that Priest Lionheart hadn’t had spotted dick before he wanted to correct what he called a ‘crime of culinary ignorance that can’t be allowed to go on, for a hero of Tinshire’. So, here’s a spotted dick and some custard to finish your meal with. He hopes you’ll enjoy it.”
“Sounds like he takes his spotted dick quite seriously, doesn’t it?”
“It’s sort of a friendly rivalry between his recipe, and the one the cook in The Spotted Dick uses.”
“Professional rivals?”
“They’re fast friends actually, but they love to compete, especially over spotted dick,” Leona smiled.
“It’s very serious business, a dick competition, Vandal. In the world of fine puddings,” Roxy said, completely deadpan. “Men need to know who serves the best dick, don’t you find, Leona.” Vandal almost inhaled a forkful of creamy mashed potato, carrot and gravy.
“Yes, Ma’am. If you say so,” Leona said, apparently oblivious to the innuendo. Then she dropped a shallow courtesy again preparing to leave.
“Leona,” Roxy said, causing the woman to pause as she stood up.
“Yes, Ma’am?”
“The curtseying. Could I ask you about it?”
“Of course, Ma’am, does it bother you?” Leona asked, sounding worried.
“No, it really makes me feel like I’m being pampered. I was just wondering if the different heights mean something?”
“Oh, I see. Yes. It’s a bit hard to explain but a shallow bob is more of a polite acknowledgement and a way to be courteous but also rapidly move on to the next task. A deeper bob is often used when you won’t be back for some time.” Leona demonstrated each height when she explained it and Vandal found his eyes flicking up and down in time with her movements.
“Does it change depending on who you are curtseying too?”
“It does, Ma’am. I need to dip lower for some of the guests who stay here when they’re travelling.”
“Nobles and such?” Roxy asked. Leona nodded. “What if I were a very grand lady? Could you show me that fanciest courtesy?”
The wench nodded again, and straightened up, as if she’d been rigidly standing to attention. Then she dipped, her hands on her skirts, her head tilted forward and eyes downcast respectfully. Her cleavage wobbled in her corsetry, and she stayed down longer than she had at other times. Before she rose, Roxy leaned across, reaching out her hand and Vandal thought she was going to do something that would get them in trouble for a moment.
Instead, there was a flash of silver, and Roxy dropped a small cascade of silver coins between Leona’s ample breasts. The wench gasped and looked up at the goblin lady, with a shocked expression.
“Just a small tip, for being so informative. If I get invited to any fancy events, where I might need to curtsy to the local duchess, I might have to call on you for a proper lesson, Leona,” Roxy said. Vandal found he was biting his knuckle to keep from laughing. Roxy was incorrigible, and her tipping strategy had taken Leona to a whole new level of blushing. Her bosom had gone deep pink, then all the way up her neck until her face was crimson. Clearly, she hadn’t missed any of the innuendo this time, and was perhaps wondering about Roxy’s other comments and glances now.
“Th… th… thank you, Ma’am,” Leona managed.
“Is there somewhere we might get some clothes that are a bit more respectable for an evening at The Red Lion? We couldn’t find anything big enough for Vandal or small enough for me so far,” Roxy explained.
Leona was still flustered and had awkwardly put one arm under her bosom in an apparent attempt to stop the coins dropping any lower. She looked like she wanted to find somewhere private as soon as possible.
“Maybe something like this, for day-to-day wear,” Roxy said, gesturing at Leona’s classic wench corset, skirt and blouse. “Do you think I’d look good in something like that?”
“Yes, Ma’am, you’d look fabulous, I’m sure. You have a lovely figure for it,” Leona blurted out, then her eyes went wide as saucers as she realised Roxy had been asking Vandal.
“I think I agree with Leona, Roxy, it would suit you very well,” Vandal said.
“There’s a dwarven leatherworker, not far from The Spotted Dick in Eastgate. Bracegirdle is the name, anyone nearby should be able to give you directions. That’s where I got this corset and they’re very friendly there. I’m sure they could direct you to a tailor who has something in your size,” Leona said. “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know where you’d find anything for one so tall and… strong.”
“I’m sure we’ll manage,” Roxy said. “Thank you, Leona. You’ve been an absolute delight.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” Leona said, attempting a courtesy again, stopped when the coins somewhere in her bodice clinked and scurried off to deal with it.
When she’d gone, Vandal couldn’t stop chuckling for several minutes. “We worried about spending too much on food, then you dropped about two gold coins of silver down her cleavage.”
Roxy shrugged with a wicked grin. “It was worth it for the show, though, right? What a body.”
“I can’t argue with that, or complain,” Vandal said. “You do love to tease though, don’t you?”
“Who, me?”
“Yes, you,” Vandal said, lifting the silver lid off the dessert. “Dick?”
Roxy licked her lips. “Now who’s a tease?”
“I have
no idea what you mean?”
“I want more than that,” Roxy said.
“Hmm?”
“Don’t be stingy with the custard, Vandal,” Roxy said, pointing at the jug. “I love a good creamy mouthful of custard with my dick.”
“Is this enough?” he said. The pudding was covered in hot custard already, practically swimming in the stuff.
“There’s never too much. I love it to fill my mouth from side to side. Yummy.”
“The jug is empty, I’m afraid, but I’ll find you some more later,” Vandal said, as she closed her eyes, savouring a spoonful of pudding and thick custard. Roxy licked her lips slowly when she’d swallowed her creamy treat and gave him a hungry smile.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Hurrying wasn’t really an option when they left The Red Lion. For Vandal it reminded him of Thanksgiving dinner at a family get together, where you were so stuffed full of food you couldn’t even face a wafer-thin mint. Roxy agreed but likened it to a meal you didn’t recover from until Boxing Day.
“I would happily go back,” Roxy said.
“You just want to watch Leona curtsy some more.”
“That’s a gross exaggeration. I want to watch you, watch Leona, courtesy some more.”
Vandal laughed. “I tried to keep my eyes on you, honestly I did.”
“Every man is hypnotised by boobs. It’s our secret power,” Roxy said.
“It’s not that secret and it’s not really my thing, a really big chest.”
“Ah but, a lot of what you saw was the cunning corsetry, which is why I want to visit her favourite shop. I bet Leona looks a lot more natural when you get her naked,” Roxy mused.
“I’ll take your word for it. I’d rather get you naked though.”
“Sounds good. Now?”
“What?” Vandal laughed.
“There’s an alley coming up on the left, we could scoot in for a bit of alfresco delight,” Roxy suggested. Vandal looked down at her and she seemed entirely serious. He wasn’t quite sure what to say.
“Of course, we might want to deal with the guy who's watching us from it, before we expose ourselves at all.” Roxy said, as she reached up and pulled him in for a kiss. She kept a tight grip on his hair. “No, don’t look, you daft sod, we don’t want to give the game away.”
Vandal put his lips to her ear, on the side away from the alley. “I didn’t see him, who do you think he is?”
“He looks pretty fancy,” Roxy whispered, as if they were young lovers flaunting their lust. She giggled, like he’d said, something funny. “I don’t think he’s a cutpurse. I think he’s a cultist or works for them.”
“Okay,” Vandal said, kissing her, before lifting her up in the air and spinning her around while she squealed excitedly. When he stopped, he could kiss her again, and get a bit of a view of their voyeur. “What do you want to do? I see him now,” Vandal whispered in her ear, squeezing her plump bottom as obviously as he could. He was pretty sure their watcher would be distracted by that sort of display.
“Oh, well, firstly I’d like some more of that later please and secondly, I think we should grab him when we walk by. I think he’s here to watch us, not attack us, don’t you?”
“Probably,” Vandal said. That settled, they resumed their walk toward the Eastgate area of Tinshire. Thankfully it wasn’t a misnomer, and all they had to do was follow the main road that The Red Lion was on, toward the eastern gate of the town.
When they had just passed the alleyway, and their observer had shrunk back into the shadows, desperately trying to look nonchalant, while at the same time giving the distinct impression that he was an amateur, they sprung their own ambush.
Vandal turned on his heel and sprang forward into the alley. The wiry man turned out to be faster than he’d expected, and dodged away from his grasping fingers, cursing in surprise. He was already moving by the time Vandal stopped his momentum against the wall of the building that formed the alley.
“No, don’t! We don’t want to upset the guard,” Vandal cried out as he realised Roxy was about to try and use her Zap on the man. He sprinted down the alley after him and tried to grab him, as they zig-zagged around crates, barrels and other rubbish. He almost had him, when he got a fistful of the man’s tunic, but Vandal slipped on something unmentionable that stank and he really hoped it was a rotten vegetable.
Vandal skidded to his knees, barely keeping himself from falling down face first. There was a ripping sound, and the man was away again, as a scrap of material came off in Vandal’s fist. “Damn,” he cursed and then coughed as the scent of the refuse hit him. He got to his feet and hurried back toward Roxy.
“He was too fast. I got this but I’m not sure it’ll help,” Vandal said.
“Maybe we can show it to the tailors?” Roxy suggested, then backed off a few feet, holding her nose. “Puddle!” she said, urgently, pointing with her free hand to a muddy dip in the street.
Vandal did his best to sluice off the worst of the squishy muck in the dirty water, and it helped a bit. He’d wanted new footwear anyway. “Come on, let’s go find this pub so we can get you some dick.”
“I think I’ve had enough pudding for now,” Roxy said.
Vandal waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively and she forgot about the smell, breaking into a run and calling over her shoulder.
“Race you!”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The Spotted Dick had a big swinging inn sign that depicted a bowl of pale brown pudding, dotted with dried fruit, and drowning in thick, yellow, custard. Just looking at it made Vandal’s mouth water, and he wondered for a moment if it held some kind of magic. Roxy tugged him insistently and straight to the bar.
“Good afternoon,” the barman said. “What can I get for you fine folks today?”
“A good room please, if you have any,” Roxy said. “We’re weary and wish to rest before the evening.”
“Milly!” the man called out, and a young woman soon appeared. She was dressed in a rather revealing uniform that had the look of linen and wool, like most of the clothes in Tinshire. Only Milly’s was more of a medieval take on a modern French maid’s costume for a part on All Hallows Eve. Roxy whistled softly.
“She’s a cutie,” the goblin whispered when he leaned down to hear what she beckoned him to her height to say.
“You’d look good in that,” Vandal whispered back, and gently kissed her long, sensitive ear. Roxy shuddered at the touch and eyed him hungrily.
“Our priestly guests need a room immediately to rest. Please show them upstairs. And when you're done, grab a mop and bucket, I think someone’s been ill,” the barman said.
“I’m afraid that might be me, I was accosted by a ruffian and didn’t see where I was going as I chased him off down an alley,” Vandal said. “I stepped in something unpleasant but didn’t wash it off as well as I thought.”
The barman nodded. “Well, Milly can clean your boots for you, while you rest. If you don’t mind leaving them here so as not to track anything through the place, that’d be appreciated.”
Vandal smiled gratefully and took his boots off, leaving them to one side. Just getting his face closer told him he was the definite culprit. “How much do we owe you?”
“If you want food as well as lodging, it’ll be a gold piece a day, for the pair of you,” the barman said, then he waved Vandal away when he reached for his purse. “You’re priests, we can settle up when you’re ready to leave. Breakfast and an evening meal included. Lunch is additional.”
“Thank you,” Vandal said, and the barman smiled politely as Milly led them upstairs. Roxy dashed up both flights, and waited at the top, Vandal following slowly behind, chuckling.
“This will be your room,” Milly said, withdrawing a key from her cleavage, which made Roxy giggle like a naughty schoolgirl. She unlocked the door and opened it wide for them, passing the key to Roxy. The stair behind him creaked and another couple joined
them on the landing. “Is there anything else, sir?” Milly asked and Vandal said, there wasn’t and thanked her, slipping her a coin for dealing with his boots.
“You’re welcome sir, thank you,” Milly said.
Vandal slapped Roxy on the backside, and she squeaked, blushing at the couple down the hall. They were Awoken too, and the man in the pointy hat was unlocking their door already, he was fumbling in his hurry to get inside.
His companion was a big woman, in armour, and she had her hands on her hips, looking impatient at the magic user as he struggled with the lock. “Come on, I’ve got needs to take care of,” she urged him, flashing Vandal a wicked grin. She’d seen Vandal give Roxy a smack, and repeated the gesture, quite firmly with her gauntleted hand. Her young man squeaked not entirely unlike Roxy had and was stammering an apology as he finally opened the door.
The warrior woman growled, and pushed him firmly inside, giving Vandal a big wink. “You’ve got to make sure they know their place, right? Have a nice… nap.” Then she laughed at her own joke as if it were comedy gold, kicking the door closed behind them.
“Vandal? Are you coming to bed?”
Vandal shook his head, bemused by the odd encounter with the first players other than Roxy he’d almost communicated with, and stepped through the doorway, his eyes still drawn toward the other couple’s room. He closed the door still shaking his head and turned as he spoke, “Yes, sorry. What an interesting couple you just missed.”
Anything else he might have said, trailed off then. Roxy was already on the bed, quite naked and sitting back against the plump pillows, her legs spread wide and fingers playing with her lips. Her other lips were occupied too, with a stiff nipple that she held up to her mouth with her other hand.
Vandal didn’t need any clarification, just a few moments to strip off as quickly as he could. He was glad he’d already taken his boots off, and his pants were designed to be easily removed. “Well? she asked, not that he needed any further encouragement.
