“Is that my answer? You never did answer my question as to whether I can court you.” Antonio continued to hold Rosalia close as he spoke into her ear so she could hear above the din of the fireworks.
“You have my permission to court me.” Rosalia smiled.
Antonio took her hand and kissed the back of it.
The fireworks were over, and an orchestra began playing a Viennese waltz. As people danced, they put their masks back on after having taken them off to witness the fireworks display. Rosalia couldn’t help feeling like she was a character in an opera.
“Shall we dance?” Antonio bowed toward Rosalia, flourishing his hand dramatically.
She placed her flowers and mask on a nearby bench. She then placed her hand in Antonio’s as she let him guide her in their waltz. As they danced, she realized she was feeling something she hadn’t felt in quite some time—she felt a glimmer of happiness.
16
Piparelli
CRUNCHY SPICE COOKIES
March 9, 1956
Rosalia ran in and out of the porticoed archway that lined the first story of the convent’s property. As soon as she spotted Teresa chasing her, she quickly hid behind the wall of one of the arches.
“It’s no use, Rosalia! I will catch you sooner or later!” Teresa called out.
Rosalia laughed before saying, “I’m too fast for you!”
She and Teresa had decided to play this silly game to quell their boredom. Ever since Lent had begun, they, along with the other lay workers and the nuns, were expected to do their work in silence as much as possible in order to reflect on their sins; they were to remember that the next forty days were to be a somber time of penance and prayer. Normally, Rosalia would have followed the rules as she’d been doing ever since she had come to stay at the convent. But they were now in their third week of Lent, and she couldn’t take the morose air any longer.
The only lay worker who didn’t seem to mind that they could no longer joke and talk animatedly while they worked in the kitchen or did their other hobbies when they had free time was Elisabetta, of course. She had begun her training to become a nun, and she was not going to let anything get in the way of her dream. Unlike her sister, Teresa, she intended to become the best nun, and to devote the rest of her life in service to God. Ever since Rosalia had gone to the Carnevale celebrations in Acireale, she had become closer to Teresa. But she still didn’t have the courage to ask her what had happened before she came to the Convento di Santa Lucia to cause her to be defrocked as a nun.
Rosalia was getting tired and decided to surrender to Teresa. Running into plain sight, she held up her arms.
“I give up. You win! Let’s take a break.”
“You’re not supposed to give up. What fun is that? You’re supposed to let me catch you.” Teresa frowned.
They walked over to the Saint Lucy statue by the fountain. It was an overcast day, but the cloudy weather did not detract from the signs of spring that were evident all around them. It was the second week in March, and the official start of the season was just a couple of weeks away. The magnolia trees had already bloomed, and tulips, daffodils, and wildflowers were shooting up all around the convent’s gardens. Rosalia took some small comfort in seeing everything turn green again even if she wished she were back home, watching the flowers in her mother’s garden come to life. She tried not to let herself think about the fact that it was now seven months since she’d been separated from her family. And still no word from the police about where her family had moved.
“Where is Antonio?” Teresa broke in on Rosalia’s thoughts.
“Madre Carmela sent him into town to pick up a few supplies.”
“You still have not told her that he is your beau?”
“He’s not my beau.” Rosalia blushed.
“Oh, really? One does not hold hands or steal kisses with someone who is just a friend.”
“I don’t want to tell Madre Carmela. I don’t want her thinking we are being disrespectful on the convent’s property. This is a sacred place. Besides, Antonio has plans to leave the convent someday. We are just good friends.”
“You’re too serious sometimes, Rosalia. You are not acting disrespectfully toward Madre Carmela or the convent if you sneak a kiss with Antonio or have a litte fun.” She smirked before adding, “So you say you are just good friends and nothing more. But you do care about him?”
“Of course.”
“What I meant is, you are in love with him? You get that funny feeling in your stomach whenever he is near or whenever he holds your hand. And when he kisses you, it’s like you’re seeing stars.”
“How did you know?” Rosalia looked up at Teresa in surprise.
“Oh, Rosalia! You are still so innocent.”
Rosalia’s brows furrowed in anger. “I am not.” And then she thought about how true it was that she was no longer innocent since Marco had robbed her of her maidenhood.
Sensing what Rosalia was thinking, Teresa softened her tone.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to think I was making fun of you. I was taken aback that you didn’t realize that what you feel when you are around Antonio is love. You are falling in love with him. I know because that is how I feel when I am with Francesco.” Teresa’s eyes took on a dreamy, faraway look as she said this.
Rosalia hadn’t considered that her affectionate feelings for Antonio were signs that she had fallen in love with him. But she knew in her heart Teresa was right. Every day that she spent with Antonio, she found her feelings and admiration for him deepening. Still. She couldn’t let herself get carried away. Her future was uncertain. Until she was reunited with her family, she could not think about what she wanted. And as she had told Teresa, Antonio was planning on going to culinary school someday, somewhere far away. They were just enjoying each other’s company and friendship. She knew she should put a stop to what was developing between them. She should push him away when he leaned in to kiss her or whisper how pretty she looked on a certain day. Rosalia didn’t know why she hadn’t. Well. Maybe she did know. She enjoyed kissing him and holding his hand. She enjoyed feeling safe in his arms. And Antonio made her feel special. He made her feel loved—something she hadn’t felt since she had been in the comfort of her home and had the love of her parents and siblings surrounding her.
Deciding to deflect the attention off herself, Rosalia asked Teresa, “When are you going to tell Elisabetta about Francesco?”
Teresa shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe never.” She laughed.
“So you intend to keep your relationship with Francesco a secret forever? What if he wants to marry you?”
Teresa’s face grew serious. “He does want to marry me.”
“He has already asked you?” Rosalia asked incredulously. “When?”
“The night of Carnevale, right after the fireworks show.”
“And you are only telling me now?”
“I wanted to keep it private, especially since . . .” Teresa’s voice trailed off.
“Dio mio!” Rosalia made the sign of the cross. “You are not with child, are you?”
“No, no! Although I would not be horrified.”
Rosalia was stunned, but did her best not to show her surprise. It was obvious from what Teresa had just said that she and Francesco had been intimate with each other. Rosalia had thought every young woman would want to wait until she was married—though she knew there were a few who didn’t. Then again, Teresa seemed to embrace life fully and not follow any rules of convention. Rosalia didn’t know why she’d been surprised to learn Teresa wasn’t a virgin. Perhaps Rosalia was a little jealous—for unlike her, Teresa had been able to choose whom she would give her virginity to. It hadn’t been brutally taken from her. Tears quickly sprang in Rosalia’s eyes.
“Rosalia! What is the matter?”
Rosalia wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “Nothing. Please don’t mind me. I am happy for you and Francesco.”
“And you could
be happy, too, with Antonio. Don’t you see that, Rosalia? I know you have been through a terrible ordeal—what happened to you in that cave.” Teresa whispered the last phrase. “But you mustn’t let what that man did to you ruin the rest of your life. Do you hear me, Rosalia?”
Once again, Rosalia’s tendency to flush easily won over. Although she knew that everyone at the convent must’ve known or guessed what had happened to her, she still felt ashamed when she realized yet someone else knew. Would there ever come a day when the shame would disappear?
“Please, Teresa. I don’t want to talk about that, and you mustn’t breathe a word about it to Antonio. Have . . . have the workers and the nuns talked about me behind my back? Do you think someone said something to him?”
“No, no! We all love you.”
“But how did you know about what happened to me?”
“Naturally, the nuns mentioned how they had found you when they returned from their almond harvesting that day. They described the state you were in. We had our suspicions, but no one has ever said with certainty. And the nuns wouldn’t talk about it beyond that day. You know how they are. They would never utter the words to express that a man had possibly violated you. However, I see now I was right in my suspicions. I’m so sorry, Rosalia.” Teresa placed her arm around Rosalia’s shoulders and pulled Rosalia in to her as she embraced her.
“Grazie, Teresa. You are a good friend. Please, do not worry about me. I will be fine. Now back to you. Did you give Francesco an answer? Will you marry him?”
“Si. I can think of nothing I want more.” She glanced toward the convent’s entrance and then behind her shoulders. “I will trust you. As you said, we are good friends. But you can’t tell anyone about this, especially Elisabetta,” Teresa whispered in an urgent voice as she squeezed Rosalia’s hand.
“I swear. You have my word. I won’t tell anyone.”
“We are going to elope!” Teresa whispered, her voice barely able to contain her excitement.
“Elope? Where will you go?”
“Francesco has gotten a job with the municipality in Messina. We are going to live in the city! I’ve always wanted to live in the city. Country life has never really suited me.”
Rosalia had no doubts about that.
“So he has a good job and will be able to take care of me. I won’t have to slave away any longer in the convent’s kitchen. I can focus on being his wife and raising his children.” Once again, Teresa’s eyes glazed over with a dreamy look.
“You don’t enjoy making the pastries?” This came as a surprise to Rosalia since she thought everyone working at the pastry shop took pleasure in their work and loved it as much as she did.
“It’s too much work. The only thing that I am grateful for about having worked here is that I’ll be able to make lavish cakes and sweets for my husband and for my children on special occasions. I just need to learn how to cook. But that can’t be too hard since I know how to bake.”
“When are you planning on eloping?”
Teresa sighed. “We have to wait until after Easter since the church doesn’t hold weddings during this cursed season of Lent! I will certainly not miss spending Lent at the convent or having to go to church and pray so much. I had enough of that when I was a nun.”
Feeling emboldened now that Teresa had mentioned her previous life, Rosalia decided to finally ask her what she’d been dying to ask.
“May I ask you, Teresa, why you became a nun? And what happened that you were asked to leave your previous convent?”
Teresa’s face clouded over. For a few seconds, she remained silent, before saying, “It is a long story.”
“I’m sorry. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. I didn’t mean to pry. It’s just that I was shocked to hear you had been a nun.”
Teresa laughed. “I’m sure. You could tell even when you hardly knew me, I was not meant for that life!”
“I think we all could tell.” Rosalia couldn’t help but also laugh.
“I had no choice. Elisabetta and I lost our mother when I was fourteen, and she was twelve. Our father had died when we were very young, so Mamma raised us alone. She then contracted a fever and did not recover. The local convent agreed to take us in, but their order only consisted of eight nuns. The town we were from was very small, so the convent was having a difficult time finding novitiates. They agreed to take Elisabetta and me only if we promised to become nuns once we were the right age. We were desperate. There were no other family members who were willing to take us in and feed us. It was my uncle, my mother’s own brother, who took us to the convent and asked the nuns if they would take us.” Teresa’s voice filled with anger. “The bastard. He only had one child, and he had a prosperous mill. He could have afforded to take us in. But he didn’t bat an eyelash at giving away his sister’s children.”
Rosalia reflected on how so many people she knew had lost their families. Madre Carmela had lost hers when they gave her up as a child; Antonio’s mother had died, and he had decided to forsake his father; Rosalia was estranged from her own family; and Teresa and Elisabetta had been orphaned. While Rosalia knew it was inevitable and that someday everyone would be separated from his or her family, especially once they died, this realization didn’t make it easier for her to accept that her parents and siblings were no longer in her life. And that perhaps she would never see them again.
Teresa continued her story. “So, I became a nun when the sisters felt I was the right age. I hated it! The long hours spent kneeling on those hard wooden pews, saying over and over again the same prayers. The itchy cheap habit I had to wear. Having nothing to look foward to, day in and day out. At least at the Convento di Santa Lucia, the nuns have their pastry making, and they don’t pray all day like the nuns at the convent where I took my orders. The nuns here don’t seem as strict either—except for Sorella Domenica. She belongs at one of the more severe convents, like where I used to live. The worst was when they shaved my head.” Teresa took her golden locks, which she was wearing in a ponytail today, and pulled them over her shoulder as she stroked her hair. “Can you imagine shaving off all this beautiful hair?” Teresa shuddered.
“I think most of the sisters see it as a small sacrifice to show they are giving up all vanity for God, just as they all wear the same simple habits.”
“Small sacrifice? Are you out of your mind, Rosalia? Can you imagine shaving off all that lustrous black hair you have?”
Rosalia shrugged her shoulders. “There is more to life than our appearances. I know what happened to you was horrible, especially since you had no desire to become a nun. All I’m saying is that many of the sisters have made this choice, and it is something that makes them happy, gives them peace and contentment. Like Madre Carmela. I can see she is devoted to her calling and does not mind the sacrifices she has had to make.”
“True. But like you said, many of them made the choice to become nuns. I was forced into it. So, secretly, I began growing my hair back. The nun who was responsible for ensuring everyone’s hair was cut when it started growing back had become quite senile, and she couldn’t keep track of whose hair needed to be cut next. Fortunately for me, no other sister was checking to make sure. It took two years for my hair to grow back. Once it did, I was getting restless, not to mention depressed. I couldn’t take living the way I was living. I tried convincing Elisabetta that we should run away. I told her I could get a job somewhere, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She had fallen in love with the life of a nun and couldn’t wait until she would begin her training. I think she lost a few of her marbles.” Teresa pointed to her head, and her expression became very sad.
“She changed, Rosalia, once we went to live at the convent. The little sister who had played with me and followed me around, looking up to me, became this quiet, timid child. There was a nun, Sorella Maria, who took Elisabetta under her wing. She became like a surrogate mother to Elisabetta. At first, I thought Sorella Maria just wanted Elisabetta to feel more at home
at the convent, and that she wanted to be more of a mother figure for her since Elisabetta had lost her own. But soon I saw Sorella Maria had her own motives for taking a liking to Elisabetta. She wanted to mold Elisabetta into her image of the perfect nun.”
“What about you? Didn’t she try to be a role model for you?”
“She hated me. I think she could tell from the first moment she laid eyes on me that I was not nun material. But I guess she was right about Elisabetta. Look at her now. Elisabetta is already acting like a nun even though she is not one yet.” Teresa shook her head, disgust plainly evident in her features. “I can’t help but feel like Sorella Maria brainwashed my sister. In fact that whole convent brainwashed her.
“Anyway, I was not successful in persuading Elisabetta to run away with me. My despair grew until one day I noticed a young man delivering fruits and vegetables with his father. My heart leapt. He was handsome, and, when he saw me and smiled, wishing me a good day, I was elated. His father owned a farm, and the convent bought its produce from them. Sometimes, the son would deliver the fruit on his own. I began to find ways to sneak out of the convent and engage him in conversation, hiding in some spot in the convent’s courtyard where none of the other nuns could spy on us.”
“That was a huge risk.”
“It was, but I didn’t care if I was caught. I couldn’t take living there anymore. But then there was also a part of me that knew Elisabetta would be affected by my choices, and I feared if I was caught, they would take it out on her just because we were sisters. So I still tried to be careful and not let the other nuns see me.
“One day, the boy convinced me to take a ride with him in his car. Sometimes I couldn’t believe he saw any beauty in me while I was covered up in my habit, but he did. I could tell he liked me, too.”
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