She swallowed several times before answering, “I don‘t know. I mean, how can you really know what someone else feels? He said he did but that doesn‘t mean anything. But I…I didn’t love him back. And I never told him I loved him.”
“How long were you guys together?” Luke was afraid of the answer but he had to know. He had to know where that put them. If there even was a them to be worried about.
“A little over two years-” Lenny broke off as Luke cursed under his breath.
“And you broke up with him how long before you met me?” He knew he sounded accusatory but he was too agitated to stop.
The corner of Lenny's mouth twitched and she looked cornered, trapped. Luke hated himself for making her feel that way. But she didn't run away, instead, she set her jaw and spoke plainly. “I sent him a text, telling him it wasn’t working. From the airport. Right before I boarded the plane and met you.” Her voice was devoid of emotion.
“A text? Lenny? A text? To a man who is love with you?” Luke was losing it. Lenny's lack of emotion seemed to amplify his. He knew he was overreacting, but his train of rational thought had derailed a few minutes ago and he wasn't getting it back anytime soon.
“I don’t understand why this so upsetting for you.” Lenny spoke coldly. “I’m not with him, I don’t have feelings for him, why does this make you crazy?”
Luke shot up from his chair and put both hands on top of his hair as he stepped a few paces across the patio and stood with his back to Lenny. She was the first girl that he had ever revealed so much of himself to. The first one who looked at him and he really felt like she saw him. Not the public image of him, the one girls wanted to sleep with so they could feel famous. But who he was at his center. At his most real.
He took a couple of breaths and then turned back to her, his heart racing with both hope and fear. Mind numbing, logic splintering fear.
“Because, Lenny.” Because I'm in love with you and it's turning me into a freaking basket case. He took a step forward. “Because I’m crazy about you. Because I love just being near you. Because I want to be with you all the time. Because you mean so frickin' much to me. And, from what everyone else has said, I can’t help but think that Shane felt the same way and you…” He shook his head and raked his hands through his hair in exasperation.
“I what?” Lenny narrowed her eyes at him.
Luke dropped his hands against his thighs, “You...you don’t care. You already said you didn’t have feelings for him. For two years.” He sighed heavily. “Am I just supposed to wait around until you finally figure out that you don’t have feelings for me either? Will it just come in the form of a text?”
Lenny’s frown was deep as she responded. “What we have is different than what I had with Shane. You can’t compare the two.”
Luke sat down again and grabbed her by her hands, looking her in the eye. “Then tell me what we have. What is this?”
He stared into her dark blue eyes, eyes that were the same color as the night sky. Eyes that just a few weeks ago had looked at him in peace and adoration but seemed deep and empty tonight.
The noise from the party grew as the countdown began to midnight. Luke kept hold of her, waiting for a response.
“I don’t know.” She said stiffly, giving him the exact answer that he had been afraid of.
Luke held her hands a moment longer and then slumped into his chair, defeated.
***
The revelers started to go home after an hour or so and the house became quieter. The caterers and DJ had cleaned up and cleared out. Lenny walked through the dark, empty Lodge, picking up trash and leftover drinks. She blew out the candles and turned lights off in vacant rooms.
After she had told Luke she didn't know how to define their relationship, he had gotten up and gone for a walk. Lenny had stayed on the back patio long enough for everyone to leave or go to bed so she wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. She could barely feel her fingers and toes when she had slid the back door open.
She stuffed the last of the trash into the bag in her hand. This was not how she was hoping tonight would have gone. She was glad the rest of her guests had had a good time but things with her and Luke were…awkward at best. He wanted some kind of absolution from her and she didn’t know what to think, let alone what to feel. She knew she had…affection for him. But there was no way that could sustain a relationship. Especially when one of them was as busy and famous as Luke.
She took the full trash bag out to the garage and put it in the can, pausing to look at the back wall. She sighed heavily as she slowly walked towards what had been her vehicle to freedom since she was a child. She missed it. Desperately. Like the way a person misses air from the bottom of a pool. She hadn't felt free...in a long time.
She turned when someone in the doorway cleared their throat. Duke stood watching her in navy blue pajama pants and a long sleeve white tee shirt. She thought he had gone to bed with everyone else.
“Deep thoughts?” He asked.
She half-smirked, “Are there any other kinds?”
He stepped down into the garage and stood next to Lenny with his hands in his pockets.
“What happened with you and Eddie Vedder?”
Lenny smiled at Duke’s nickname for Luke. At least it was better than ‘Tool Shed’ which is what he had called Shane the entire time they were together.
“Nothing. We argued, sort of. I don't know.” Lenny said, regret touching her voice.
“Did he tell you that Cody made a play for him?”
Lenny felt like she'd gotten kicked in the gut. She wasn't surprised but to have it confirmed made it harder to deny Cody's true nature. “No,” her mouth was instantly dry. “He didn't mention it.” And why should he?
“That didn't shock you.” It was a statement.
Lenny didn't reply, she was running out of words to try and explain things away.
“What did you argue about then?” Duke pressed.
“He wants something I can't give him.” Lenny rolled her eyes at the absurdity. Imagine, a man stressing over the girl not ready for a commitment. “He wants to know how I feel.” She scoffed, thinking Duke would laugh with her.
“How do you feel?” He asked her seriously, looking at the garage floor.
“I don't know, Duke.” Lenny frowned at him. “Why do you care?” Her stomach tightened as the mood in the room shifted with her words.
“C’mon, Lenny. Don’t you think you’re kind of being a brat about this?” Duke’s tone had an edge he had never directed at Lenny and she was taken off guard.
“What do you mean?” She felt bitterness crawl into her mouth and she grit her teeth together. Duke's sudden coldness was neither helpful nor warranted.
“I’m not gonna lecture you or give a big speech. Just…” He took a few seconds to collect his thoughts and when he started speaking again she felt his agitation towards her in a way that she never had before. He was disappointed in her. “Life is hard, Lenny. And people tend to suck, I mean, no one’s perfect. We need someone in our lives to help us through it. We make each other better, stronger.”
“Yeah, but who's to say that I need Luke?” Lenny clipped, feeling herself getting defensive.
Fed up, Duke waved his hand at the back wall of snowboards and raised his voice, “That’s your passion, right there, hanging on the wall like a dead animal! You really just gonna walk away from your first true love?” He turned and waved at the Lodge, “that man in there, brought you back to life when the rest of us were afraid you were beyond hope. And you don’t know how you feel? The reasons you won’t get back on the board or admit your feelings for Luke are the same. You’re afraid of losing the control. You think you can’t get hurt if you can control it. Well, guess what? Love isn’t like that. You’re either all in or not.” He let out a disgusted breath and paced a short distance across the garage floor.
Lenny’s face was hot. She was angry. Duke didn't have the right to tell her her reasons. They were
hers and hers alone, she didn't owe him an explanation. And she didn't owe Luke one either.
“I thought you said you weren’t going to lecture me,” she bit out.
“I lied!” Duke snapped indignantly. “Your family and I have been far too forgiving and coddling to you. You need to grow up one of these days.”
“This coming from a guy who hates organized sports and lives alone in a house I paid for!” Lenny was taking it too far but she wanted to hurt him the way he was hurting her.
“Hey!” Duke stormed towards her, pointing his finger in her face. “I don’t need your charity, say the word and I’m gone!”
Lenny stood her ground, she was afraid in that moment that maybe Duke actually would leave but she was too stubborn to take back her words. Instead she jutted out her chin and clenched her jaw.
“You can’t keep running away from the things that scare you!” Duke threw his hands out to the sides in exasperation.
“I didn't run away!” Lenny shouted back, angry tears burning the back of her eyes.
“Really?” His sarcasm thick, “then what would you call it?”
“Escaping!” Lenny's stomach fell to the floor as she shouted her truth across the garage. His eyes grew wide at her response and she felt her hands starting to tremble. The room was quiet and Lenny could hear her pulse roaring through her ears. She looked down at the floor, unable to watch Duke's face as he tried to read her mind. Tried to figure out where she had gone. She was tired of carrying her secret for so long. She knew it had changed her. She had let it change her, propelled that change. She didn’t want to be who she had been. She wanted to be someone else. She wanted to be safe.
“Were you a prisoner?” He asked, his voice calm, concerned.
***
“I'm not...I'm not doing this.” Lenny's voice sounded tired and scared. Duke knew he was almost there. He didn't want to push her. He had wanted her to come to terms with it on her own. She was more stubborn than he had given her credit for. He knew that there was a huge likelihood that she would hate him after this. He had to take that risk. She needed him to.
“What happened, Lenny?” It was the question everyone kept asking her, the one she had never answered.
“I told you, I don't remember.” She crossed her arms over her middle and stared at the floor. Duke thought she looked especially small like that.
“You've never forgotten a detail in your life. Tell me the truth.” His voice was hard, unforgiving. A flash of terror went across her face. How he hated himself.
“What happened to the girl who looked fear in the face and laughed as she found her line?” Her eyes unfocused and he knew he was reaching her.
“What happened to the girl who flew past seasoned backwoods riders and raged down the ridge line in Alaska?” She shifted and turned away from him. Duke was close, he could feel it. He was going to have to wreck her before he could save her. He raised his voice again, forcing the issue. “What happened, Lenny? Where’d she go?”
“I can’t do this.” Lenny started to the door of the garage but Duke got there first.
“No, we do this now. No more running.” He blocked the way with his body and Lenny tried to push past him but he was solid. He grabbed her by her shoulders and looked into her face as she stared at the center of his chest.
“Let me by, Duke.” Lenny said, a false fire on her tongue.
“No.” Duke repeated. He clenched his jaw, having a final debate with his insides on whether or not he should be doing this. “I want to know what happened to you.” He swallowed his own fear and took a deep breath. “I wanna know where the girl is that I fell in love with.”
Lenny met his eyes at last and he saw pain and betrayal covered by confusion.
“What?” The word was a whisper and he almost didn't hear it due to the ringing in his ears at his own confession.
“Yeah, Lenny.” His voice low. “Where is the strong, powerful, confident woman that I am hopelessly in love with?” He'd said it twice now. He hoped he didn't throw up before they got through this.
Lenny looked down at the floor; she reeled like she'd just gotten the wind knocked out of her. She turned to walk away but Duke grabbed her arm and whirled her back to face him. Lenny pushed him away with force, her face twisted in anger.
“Stop saying that!” She yelled. “Stop using that word! What is wrong with you people?”
She backed away from Duke, her eyes wild. “Shane, Luke, now YOU?! You don’t know what love is! Stop throwing that word around like it means something!” She screamed at him, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.
Duke felt his tears pool in the corners of his eyes as he watched her fall apart in front of him. He couldn't stop now, he was committed, and they were almost there. He grabbed her by the shoulders again and looked her square in the face.
“Tell me what happened, Lenny! Tell me what really happened before the accident! 'Cause I know damn good and well this isn’t about a bad wreck!”
Tears started to spill down Lenny’s cheeks as they stared at one another. The look of defeat that hung in her eyes broke his heart. A sob caught in her chest as she tried to breathe normally and Duke folded her into his arms. He held her body as it shook with released emotion.
“Shane slept with Cody.” She clung to him as the truth escaped her lips.
Duke closed his eyes and held her close. So that was it. That was the big secret.
“When?” He asked gently, pressing his cheek to the top of her head.
“At the Olympics, the day before my event...the day before the crash.” Her breathing steadied as she brought her emotions under control again. “I caught them. They said that it was my fault for being,” she swallowed and her voice was laced with cynicism, “such a tease. They said I was incapable of love and Shane needed a release before his event. And I was too selfish to help him with it.” A disgusted shiver swept through her body and Duke resisted the urge to put his fist through a wall.
“I couldn't get my head right, I lost focus.” Lenny continued shakily. “That's how I wrecked.”
She pulled away from him and tried to wipe the watery mess off her face. She was red and splotchy but her eyes were clear. Finally.
Duke didn't want to let her go. He wanted to hold her until she felt safe again. But that wasn't his place. Instead, he sat down on the garage step and she settled next to him.
The rest of the story spilled out unencumbered and he had to bite his tongue to keep from going off on his own tangent against Shane and Cody.
“After the accident, they both came to see me in the hospital. The doctor said I had enough brain damage that I probably would never remember the previous twenty-four hours. So I went with it. I just couldn't foresee trying to figure out how to walk again while dealing with their shit, you know? I thought they'd get tired of the whole thing and move on if I ignored them. Then Shane moved out here and Cody wouldn't shut up about a rematch and I guess I just decided I wanted to try a different life for a while. One where I didn't have to see those two every day.”
“Why didn't you just confront them after you'd recovered?” Duke couldn't help but ask.
“Because then they would have known that I lied about forgetting it. And I was afraid that would make me just like them.”
“You could never be like them.” Duke put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her against his side.
“I didn't realize how much time had gone by until I found the engagement ring in Shane's truck. I couldn't live a lie, I had to leave.” She paused and looked up at Duke, her face sorrowful. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“No, Lenny” Duke cut her off. “They were wrong on so many levels. I understand why you split. You don’t have to apologize.”
Lenny was quiet for a long time and then she said, “I can’t stop thinking that they might be right.” Duke looked at her with a frown. “What if I am incapable of love?”
Duke sighed heavily and held her tighter. “You’r
e just incapable of their twisted version of love. You have more heart and passion than anyone I have ever met. I see you with your family and your friends and even complete strangers. You’re kind and compassionate and you honestly care.” He paused, letting his words sink in. “You’re capable of great love; greater than those two will ever experience in their lifetime.”
He wrapped both of his arms around her and blinked back his own tears. Finally. After so much avoidance and running away, maybe now she could begin to move forward. He knew there had been a connection between her accident and her resistance to fall in love. If he could just get her past her fear, she’d fall headlong in love with the man who deserved her the most. And as much as Duke hated to admit it, it wasn’t him.
“We need to get you on a line as soon as possible. You can't let them take that away from you. And not up at Aspen, here, on your home turf.” His voice was thick with emotion.
“What if it’s been too long? What if I forgot everything you’ve taught me?” She asked honestly.
“Then I can re-teach you.” Duke replied. “I’ll always have your back, you know that.”
She seemed to consider his proposal and he felt a thrill go through him that she didn't outright say no this time.
“How about you get some sleep, and we’ll talk about a plan tomorrow over breakfast.” He helped her into a standing position.
She gave him a contrite smile, “I think I really screwed things up with Luke tonight.”
“One thing at a time. Let’s get you on a line first. We can fix everything with Thor after that.”
“Thor?” Lenny asked quizzically.
“Well, you know, he has that chiseled jaw and those piercing blue eyes.” Lenny laughed as Duke directed her up into the house and shut off the lights to the garage.
***
They took the sleds as far as they could and then started to hike up the mountain, the terrain getting steeper the further they climbed. Lenny refused to think about what was waiting ahead. Instead she focused on the climb. She tried to drink in the wilderness. Savoring every breath that included the scent of fresh pine. Her steps were solid, she didn’t have trouble finding safe footing the whole way up. Duke was ahead of her and she could tell he was making sure to clear a little of the path to make it easier for her. She was, after all, out of practice.
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