by Heinzer, HB
Julia kept her head down, never turning to look at Carly. “Sounds good, Turner. I'll give you a call.” She held up a hand to wave goodbye. That's the moment Carly realized it was all a front. One of her only true friends was in pain and Carly had no clue how to fix it.
***
With Micah staying at Julia's house to make sure there were no more surprises, Gran Turner was home all alone. For as many issues as they'd had over the years, Carly liked knowing Micah was staying at the little yellow farmhouse on the edge of town. Gran was getting up there in years and had had a couple health scares. As Carly drove down the gravel driveway leading around to the back of the house, she saw Gran sitting in her white rocking chair, just as she did every night.
“Child, I thought you were heading back to the city tonight,” Gran exclaimed, pushing herself up out of the chair. “Is everything okay?” She shuffled across the wrap-around porch, pulling Carly into a firm embrace. Gran Turner had been a hard-working woman for decades, helping take care of the farm alongside Pop Turner, and it showed.
“No, Gran. Everything's fine. I thought I'd stay out here a bit longer, get some country air before heading back to the land of smog and noise.” She didn't want to worry Gran with the details of why it was so easy for her to avoid going back to the harsh reality of life in New York. “Besides, I know Micah's going to be at Julia's until they get the security system installed, so I thought you might like some company.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Gran said, taking a sip of her evening tea and looking off to the horizon. “And where was that company the past two nights?”
“I stayed with friends, Gran.” It wasn't a lie and Carly was thirty years old, she didn't need to explain herself. “It got late, and I didn't want to wake you.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Gran said again, still looking off into the distance. “If that's the story you're going with, that's fine.” She didn't seem upset, but it was obvious Gran didn't buy the friends line. Even when they were younger, she always seemed to know what was going on with any of the kids in their circle of friends. She knew when they were lying, and she'd wait until their conscience ate at them and they came clean. And even as an adult, Carly felt uncomfortable knowing that Gran knew damn well she wasn't with friends.
“I'm going to take my bags in and then I need to make a call, okay?” Carly said, not wanting to leave the porch until Gran dismissed her. It was strange how easy it was to fall into old habits as soon as she was home.
“Mmm-hmm...”
Chapter Eleven
“If it's bothering you so much, just tell them,” Adam sighed. It seemed since Carly was in Wisconsin and he was in California that they were talking on the phone even more than when she was in New York. He supposed that was because at least part of her was no longer comfortable with her decision to withhold the fact that they were a couple from those closest to them. It's much easier to lie when you're nearly a thousand miles away. When you're in the same tiny town as everyone you're trying to avoid telling, it is bound to take a toll on a person.
Adam could hear Carly's fingernails tapping on her grandmother's kitchen counter. At least that's where he imagined she would be, having seen her leaning against the counter talking to Julia enough times when they were younger. She always seemed to wind up there when something bothered her. One time, she told Julia it was her thinking place because Gran used to bake all the time and they'd talk over fresh-baked cookies.
She let out a loud breath. “Adam, it's not that simple. What am I supposed to say to your sister?”
The muscles in Adam's neck tensed as he prepared himself to have this conversation with Carly yet again. By the time he'd gotten on the plane Monday morning, he was worried about Julia's physical safety but knew she was emotionally strong. And they were both adults, she had no say in whom he dated as long as he was happy. With the way Carly insisted on keeping their relationship a secret, he was quickly becoming extremely unhappy. “Seem pretty simple to me. You tell her that we've been dating since this summer when we ran into one another at the theater where you were working.” He cracked his knuckles, needing some sort of relief from the tension building in his entire body. “You tell her that we spend as much time together as we can and we're happy.”
“And how do I explain to her why neither of us told her sooner?” If that was truly Carly's fear, it was even more ridiculous that she didn't want to say anything to Julia. The longer they were together without telling her, the harder it would be.
“You tell her we were planning to tell her, and then the stuff with Karen came up. Do you want me to call her?” If Carly couldn't bring herself to have this talk with Julia, Adam would do it himself.
“No!” If he wasn't mistaken, Adam thought he heard panic in Carly's voice. “I just...I'll figure it out. I'll try to call you back later; I need to go check on Gran.” Her voice wavered, and her words were rushed. It was as if she couldn't get off the phone fast enough.
“Yeah, okay,” Adam grumbled. Something wasn't sitting well with him. Even though it felt like things were perfect between them when they were together, he couldn't help but feel like she was holding back. He cleared his throat, debating whether he should ask the question which was on his mind. “Carly...” Words failed him. He didn't want to ask because she might not be able to give him the answer he desperately needed to hear.
“Yeah?” Carly's soft voice cracked, increasing the pressure Adam felt in his chest.
In the end, he couldn't bring himself to ask if they were okay. He needed to get through this trip to San Francisco. Since Carly had changed her plans, they could spend one more night together before she had to fly home. “Call me before you go to bed?”
“I said I would.”
“Okay, I'll talk to you then.” He didn't wait for a response before hitting the end-call button. Over the course of the past two months, they'd had their highs and their lows, times when they were happy and times when they were mad, but never before had he felt as if he was about to lose the woman he was in love with.
***
The other end of the line went dead. Without saying goodbye, Adam hung up the phone. He never did that. It felt like a sign of things to come.
Carly needed to get back to the sanctuary of her crappy fifth floor apartment. Back to where life made sense. This was exactly why Carly never let herself form emotional attachments with anyone. When you allowed yourself to form those bonds, you were setting yourself up to feel the pain of a broken heart.
Life would have been so much easier if she could go back in time to the night she and Adam had dinner at Friday's and she told him she wanted to see where things went between them. She was the one who opened her mouth, saying she wanted to see him again when she could have left it alone. Sure, she'd still be alone, but she wouldn't have anything to compare it to. She wouldn't have the wonderful times to hold onto, wishing they could go on forever while knowing that nothing in life is forever. Carly had lived on her own, without anyone significant in her life for most of her thirty years and never felt lonely. Now, she'd let Adam in and knew it was only a matter of time before he, too, left her.
Carly could do about her flight home; she had already called in a favor to get her flight changed once. She was stuck in Wisconsin for three more days.
“Carly, are you still down here?” Gran called through the screen door.
Filling herself a tall glass of iced tea, Carly decided to make the best of the time she had here. Who knew when she'd have the opportunity to spend nearly a week with her grandmother again? She'd never forgive herself if something happened and all her memories of the trip were of her moping around about a guy instead of rocking on the porch, watching the sunset with Gran.
“Yeah, Gran. Do you need anything on my way out?” Carly hollered back through the house.
“No, Peanut. The only thing I need right now is company out here on the porch.” Carly's heart constricted at hearing the nickname that only one other person in over fourteen years had c
alled her. Still, she had to smile, knowing that she was making an old woman happy, just by being there.
Even though life in Brooklyn was one complication after another, when Carly set aside her phone and forgot about her life, there was a simplicity to life on the farm. It was the slight echo of voices bouncing off the walls, the rickety slam of the screen door as Carly stepped outside to join her grandmother. The sun setting over the corn fields awaiting the harvest. And later in the evening, the stars that would blanket the sky. More than anything, Carly would miss seeing the dense twinkling of the night sky that the lights of the city kept hidden.
“Sit, dear.” Carly slid the rocker that used to be her grandfather's closer to Gran's so they turned slightly in towards one another. She curled one leg underneath her, letting the other foot barely touch the floor, gently rocking her. “Now, are you ready to talk about what's really going on with you?” Gran stared off into the distance, the same way she always did. To an outsider, it might seem as if she was disinterested in what was going on around her. The truth was, Gran said nature soothed her and allowed her to focus better.
Carly narrowed her eyes, trying to focus on a single spot along the horizon. “Do you think it's possible to love someone and not have him leave?” She barely recognized her own voice.
Gran sat up straight in her chair, turning her head slightly towards Carly. “Child, Joseph and I were married nearly forty years, and we'd still be married today if he hadn't passed away.” She grabbed Carly's hand, pulling it into her lap. Looking Carly in the eye, Gran continued. “You had a rough start of it, my love. Lord knows, I never could stand your daddy, and I've made no secret that I can't say I'm fully sorry he didn't stick around. Yes, you deserved the love of your parents, but I would have been worried sick for you if he'd still been around when your mama left you the way she did.”
This was one of the first times they had talked about Carly's parents, certainly the first time Gran had opened up this way. Carly needed to hear what she had to say. “Gran, did my mom say anything when she left? Did she say why she left me?”
Gran's chin dropped to her chest. Carly had never brought this topic up because she knew Gran felt shame that a child she raised could do something such as leaving her child and never looking back. Tears filled her eyes as she lifted her gaze off into the cornfield. “Melissa wasn't a bad girl, but she wound up in the wrong crowd. You were unplanned, to be sure, but not unwelcomed. Your mama loved you very much. It was hard for her, trying to raise you on her own. One night, she dropped you off here before she went to work her shift at the factory and never came back.”
“Did you try looking for her? Did you call the cops?” This was the most Carly had ever heard about the events surrounding her mother leaving. If she vanished like that, could something have happened to her? Was Carly's entire life a lie?
“No, my love. She left a note with a co-worker. Said she couldn't handle life here anymore, and she needed a new start. Joseph didn't want to believe it at first because they had been so close when your mama was little. But eventually, even he realized she'd simply changed too much.” She wiped away her tears, sucking in a deep breath. “We promised you, that first day she was gone, that we'd show you enough love for both of them and for us. I would have hoped that would have been what stuck with you through all these years.”
Sadness washed over Gran's face, making Carly feel like the biggest pile of shit to ever land on the porch. She hadn't meant to discount the love and care she'd felt growing up with Gran and Pop Turner. They had been incredible, and if she were being rational, she probably turned out a better person than she would have if her parents had raised her. That didn't change the fact that she couldn't fathom walking away from her own flesh and blood and couldn't figure out why it had been so easy for her mother to do it.
“Gran, it's not that. What you did for me was amazing. You were done raising kids, but you still took me in.” Carly's own posture mirrored her grandmother's. There was so much she wanted to say to make things right, she just couldn't find the words. “I never doubted for a minute that you and Pop loved me. It's just, how do I trust someone else to not leave? Do you think my mom expected my dad to leave her?”
The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon, casting splashes of red and orange across the clouds in the sky. The women sat quietly as they absorbed the beauty surrounding them. Sometimes, saying nothing at all was for the best. They'd already dug deeper into Carly's past than ever before, and Carly could only imagine that it had brought a dangerous mix of emotions to the surface for Gran, too.
“Carly.” Gran said, pushing herself out of the rocking chair as the last light of the day slipped away. “You can't make your choices based on what happened between two kids who were far too young and irresponsible to have a child. You have carried around enough pain for two lifetimes. I think it's time for you to figure out how to be happy.”
Gran slipped through the screen door, leaving Carly alone on the porch with her thoughts. She wanted, more than anything, to believe that Gran was right. She wanted to figure out how to feel what was growing in her heart for Adam without letting the fear run her life.
***
If there was one thing Adam had gotten skilled at over the years, it was compartmentalizing whatever was going on in his life. When he was working, he never allowed himself to think about anything else. As he struggled to get through a design meeting with a new theater in San Francisco, he realized he'd never thought about anything else because there had never been anything more important to him than his career. He was sitting here talking about the benefits of fully programmable lighting systems while his world was crumbling two thousand miles away.
Carly had called Monday night, just as she promised, but that call had done little to ease Adam's mind. He could feel her pulling away from him and couldn't figure out what he had done wrong. Yes, he had pushed the issue about them ending the silly hiding game they were playing with most of their friends, but he refused to feel bad about that.
In less than twelve hours, he was going to be home, and Carly would be spending one last day in Wisconsin. After that, he wasn't sure when he'd see her again since ETS was sending him to the west coast more frequently now. He wanted to go out to dinner with Julia, Micah, Annie and Carly, but he didn't want to pretend as if they were nothing more than friends. He didn't want to worry about slipping up and brushing a stray hair away from her eyes or running his fingers down her cheek. He was finally able to admit that he loved her, and he wanted those closest to him to know.
Seeing as things were about to get even more complicated for them, with Adam not being in New York as often, they needed to be able to rely on their friends to help them through the tough times, to remind them why a relationship was worth so much work. He needed to make Carly see that.
“Adam, are you listening?” It was the first time Adam had been caught so distracted he missed part of an important conversation. If he could manage to not screw it up now, this would be the biggest deal he'd managed to secure since his promotion to sales manager. He needed to put Carly into a little box in the back of his mind for the time being.
His cheeks flushed, embarrassed that he had zoned out. “I'm sorry, sir. It was a long night researching which product lines would best facilitate your theater's needs.” It wasn't entirely a lie. Adam had been up until one in the morning trying to figure out how to approach this meeting while trying to stay within the theater's budget requirements, and providing them with options they couldn't refuse.
“Not a problem, son. You've done an impressive job with this proposal.” Mister Hubbard stood from the long conference table to shake Adam's hand. “I have to run this past the board, but I feel confident we'll have an answer for you by early next week.”
“Thank you, sir. I look forward to hearing from you.” Adam let out a deep breath as he walked out of the conference room. For a minute, he'd nearly let his personal life jeopardize what could be a career-changing de
al. The funny thing was that even though it was a major deal, he didn’t care. Moving up in the company no longer held the weight it once had for him.
As soon as Adam was through the TSA checkpoint at San Francisco International, he reached for his phone. If everything went according to plan, Adam would be home in just over seven hours. After five rings, Carly's phone went to voicemail. “Hey, Peanut. I'm just about to get on the plane. I'll call you when I land, but I was hoping you could come out to my place for the night. I really want to spend some time with you before you go home.”
Once the plane reached cruising altitude, Adam turned on his computer to check out the current project bid board for work. He had become obsessed with looking at the board, hoping his seniority would help him find his way back to the only coast he wanted to be on. Unfortunately, the senior manager who made the final decision was convinced the company needed Adam in California, where they were trying to gain ground against some other leading manufacturers.
Somewhere over Wyoming, Adam gave up on trying to work and closed his eyes. It was going to be another long night; one he hoped was full of more passion than fighting. Even in his sleep, Adam found himself thinking of Carly. His mind drifted to seeing Carly standing on his front porch, waiting for him to come home. Her being there made it a home, not just a house that he'd gotten an excellent deal on.
When the first plane landed in Minneapolis, Adam turned on his phone to see if Carly had responded. There were three text messages waiting for him.
Carly: I'll come out as soon as Gran goes to bed. I miss you.
The last sentence made his heart leap. He'd been certain things were falling apart between them, but if that was the case, he couldn't imagine she'd have said something like that.
Micah: Pool at The Oasis tonight. Will you be back in time? We're short one for league.
