by Ian Jarvis
‘I don’t know. At the time it seemed...’ Baxter frowned. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Wait a moment.’ Gruner sighed as realisation dawned. ‘Where are your audio implants?’
‘Well, I’m wearing them, of course.’
‘I’ll ask once more, and I really would advise against lying. Where are they?’
Baxter swallowed uneasily. ‘The right one is fine; it’s in my ear.’ He reached in his pocket and produced a tiny device wrapped in tissue. ‘I had to temporarily remove this left one yesterday night. I have a minor infection which...’
‘But you didn’t think to mention this.’ Gruner shook his head and walked to the corridor door. ‘As a soldier, you know that orders are always given for a reason.’
‘I apologise, Sergeant. I think my ear reacted to the implant being fitted so deep.’ Baxter grimaced as Gruner opened the door to leave. This didn’t look good. Had he ruined his chances of joining Red Globe Management? ‘I know I should have told you, but...’
‘Do you know what time it is?’ asked Gruner.
Baxter looked at his watch. ‘Er...’
Pressing the remote control, the Sergeant opened the crush allowing the furious tiger to burst out. ‘It’s Mister Tigsy’s feeding time,’ he said, closing the door on the screams.
Chapter 16
Sullen and resigned now to spending the next few hours captive at Charlington Hall, Rex sat astride a grinning wooden horse on the funfair carousel. He hadn’t ridden one of these since the age of six and now he remembered why - they were utter crap. Tediously twirling to an organ waltz probably felt like an action-packed extravaganza to Victorian kids, but he couldn’t imagine what modern children would think. Today’s youngsters were used to real entertainment involving video games, go-carts, virtual reality and laser battles. He glanced at the horse beside him and saw that the merry-go-round was entertaining one child.
Ligeia held on tightly, gasping with delight. ‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ she giggled.
‘Amazing,’ he sighed. ‘I’ve never known such fun.’
The singer had pleaded with him to join her on the carousel and Rex had grudgingly obliged. Four of Adler’s guards stood a discreet distance away on the edges of the funfair, all maintaining a low profile and quietly watching the young couple. Rex had been kidnapped, drugged, transported in a trunk and dumped in a madhouse, but he didn’t have to put up with it for much longer. From what Adler had told him about the security, it would be best to wait until nightfall before escaping and sunset would arrive soon enough. The rides had been constructed near the river at the lower end of the lawns, but the tall screen of shrubbery blocked his view. He’d been told the grounds covered five acres, which roughly equated to five soccer pitches. Rex attempted to get his bearings for later, although working out the topography would be a lot easier were he not spinning in circles.
Elva appeared through the tree arch and Ligeia jumped nimbly from the moving steed to excitedly embrace her. Rex watched the petite girls kissing and hugging as if they hadn’t seen each other for ages. They were lovers, but their bond must be incredibly strong if they carried on like this all the time.
‘Best friends, eh?’ he said, leaping from the horse as the ride passed them. He misjudged the jump, but his lupine senses kicked in and he landed on all fours. ‘Well, that wouldn’t have won the Olympic gold.’
‘That was funny.’ Ligeia clapped happily until Elva began signing to her. ‘Rex, I don’t understand. Elva says you spoke nasty to her and made her feel bad. She says she thought you came because you wanted to be here.’
Rex sighed and rubbed his eyes. These girls would register off the scale on any psychiatrist’s fruitcake meter. They obviously had no understanding of his abduction and being angry with them was as pointless as booting puppy dogs for the crime of looking cute. ‘Yes, and I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I was annoyed on the bridge earlier and I wrongly took it out on Elva. I’m really sorry, Elva.’
Elva reached out and stroked his face, her eyes filled with remorse. She signed again.
‘She’s sorry too,’ said Ligeia. ‘Elva says she didn’t know anything about the kidnap.’ She looked puzzled. ‘What is kidnap?’
‘What?’ Rex shook his head, astounded. ‘Er, it’s like ketchup,’ he muttered. ‘Only it doesn’t taste as nice.’
‘You make me laugh.’ Ligeia pulled at his arm and headed towards the Chinese pagoda. ‘Come on. You have to see the rest of the funfair.’
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘Oh, I honestly can’t wait.’
The red pagoda turned out to be an antiquated hall of mirrors, its wooden walls covered in gilt frames of curved glass. Rex had seen these places in old movies and they looked to be as much fun as the merry-go-round. Whoever sold Lord Cantlemere this crap must have been rubbing their hands with glee to get rid of it. The girls held each other and laughed at their distorted reflections.
‘Look at Elva in this one,’ giggled Ligeia. ‘Look how silly she looks.’
‘Yes, that’s hilarious,’ drawled Rex. He watched Elva laughing silently and narrowed his eyes at a sudden thought. They were temporarily out of sight of the guards, and if these girls were as mental as they appeared, this idea would work. ‘Hey, I’ve just remembered,’ he said. ‘I have some lovely fluffy kittens at home and I forgot to ask my friend to feed them. I’d better ring him now. Could I borrow your mobile for a moment?’
‘My what?’ asked Ligeia.
‘Your mobile phone.’ Rex spoke slowly. ‘To ring my friend about the fluffy kittens. Elva, if you can’t speak, I imagine you use one to text.’
Elva signed that she didn’t, and Ligeia shook her head. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘We’ve never had one of those.’
He nodded resignedly. Two gorgeous young girls without phones. Had Rex heard this before today, he’d probably have fainted, but here in the riverside asylum of Bedlam-on-Thames, it sounded perfectly normal and didn’t surprise him one bit.
‘This way now,’ said Ligeia. Pulling Rex past the mirrors, the girls took him to the larger building next door. ‘Come on, hurry. I know you’re going to love this.’
‘A ghost train?’ he said, grimacing. ‘I’m shivering with fear already.’
‘Look, this is how we turn it on.’ Ligeia threw a master switch on the wall by the redundant ticket desk and the ride burst into raucous life, with strobe lights, scary music and recorded howls of fear. ‘The Colonel showed me how to work this and the merry-go-round so I could play on them anytime.’
Rex saw the large cards taped on either side of the switch with GHOST TRAIN ON and GHOST TRAIN OFF printed on them. Adler obviously understood the intelligence level she was dealing with. He quickly checked behind the ticket counter for a phone, but found nothing.
There was only one ghost train car, a stylised skull where the riders sat in the gaping mouth, and he watched it trundle through the swing doors into the dark tunnel beyond. Adapted to run without personnel, Rex assumed it simply travelled around and around until the master switch was thrown back. Two of the guards followed them in to keep an eye on things.
‘Get ready.’ Ligeia kissed Rex and gripped his hand. ‘It doesn’t stop, so you have to be quick.’ The swing doors burst open, the car reappeared, and she jumped into the seat with Elva, pulling Rex beside them. ‘It’s really scary, so you’ll need to hold us both very tight.’
‘No problem,’ sighed Rex.
It was a typical ghost train, with pitch-black tunnels filled with sharp twists and turns. Fake cobwebs trailed over their faces, huge hairy spiders wobbled overhead, jiggling skeletons lit up in corners and luminous plastic monsters wailed. Elva and Ligeia shrieked like terrified children, but Rex had seen far scarier things - mostly in his apartment mirror when he transformed. The skull car pushed through the exit doors and he attempted to stand, but Ligeia pulled
him back down.
‘Again,’ she giggled. ‘We need to go again.’
Rex had already decided that Ligeia and Elva were as mad as March hares, but after six more rattling trips through the tunnels with the pair screaming in his ears, he was ready to stake his life on it. ‘I’d really like to see your river now,’ he said, as the exit doors burst open once again. ‘You know? The lovely water.’
Her face beaming, Ligeia leapt up and pulled him from the slow-moving car. Elva switched off the ride and ran out of the ghost train into the sunlight behind them. They passed through one of the floral archways in the shrubbery screen and Rex found himself on the grassy riverbank.
‘I love the water, said Ligeia, sitting on a rock and snuggling up to Elva. ‘I like to sit by the moat and sing, but the river is much more beautiful.’
‘Yes it is,’ agreed Rex, standing behind them and looking around to digest the topography of the area.
According to Adler, he was somewhere between Richmond and Kingston, and the Thames here was unrecognisable as London’s famous waterway. Some 300 feet across, the river was far more genteel, with lush banks, tree-covered islands, swans and pleasure craft. Large multi-million pound houses stood between clumps of woodland with their extensive gardens leading down to the water. Rex spotted boathouses and jetties, including one to his left that jutted out from the Charlington Hall parkland. Ah, this might come in useful later. His smile faded as he realised it would only be useful if there were boats tied up and this jetty was empty.
He turned to the two girls as Ligeia began to unexpectedly sing one of her slow love ballads. Anyone rowing past would be getting a free concert from the world’s biggest star, but her mundane voice did nothing for Rex. Lighting a cigarette, he glanced over his shoulder as two guards from the funfair followed them through the trees. Bushes blocked his view to the right, but looking left along the sparkling river, he saw a security fence running down into the water a couple of hundred feet away. This had obviously been constructed along the western edge of the grounds and he knew an identical barrier would protect the eastern perimeter. The mesh looked to be high-tensile steel and around ten feet in height with razor wire curled around the top.
He’d been right to wait for darkness; these fences wouldn’t pose a problem in wolf form. He could leap over or tear the mesh, and if it came to it, he could easily swim this river. It was April and the sun would be setting around seven-thirty. Yes, a few more hours of this craziness and he’d be away.
Ligeia stopped singing and gasped as a bright blue kingfisher shot past. ‘Did you see that? Look at the water and those ripples on the surface. Aren’t they beautiful?’
Rex noticed Ligeia’s manager had appeared on the jetty. Adler was speaking with the thin black man from the Edinburgh nightclub.
‘Yes, the river’s wonderful,’ said Rex. ‘But these people aren’t.’ He nodded to the small pier. ‘The people you’re living with don’t seem very nice to me.’
‘No, they’re lovely people,’ said Ligeia. ‘They’re my friends. Irana gives me presents all the time and I like her. I like you better though, Rex. You’re special and I really like you.’ She giggled playfully. ‘I know. Shall we have sex?’
‘What?’ said Rex.
‘Here by the water.’ She kissed Elva. ‘It’s lovely and sunny. Isn’t that a nice idea?’
The nearby guards raised their eyebrows and smirked at one another.
‘What?’ repeated Rex. ‘No, actually it’s a very bad idea.’
‘But you liked it so much the last time.’ Ligeia looked puzzled. ‘Look, Elva wants to.’
Nodding enthusiastically, Elva jumped up from the rock and began to unfasten her jeans.
‘No, don’t,’ said Rex, grabbing her wrist. He couldn’t believe he was turning them down, but sex was the last thing on his mind and he definitely wasn’t going to treat a one-eyed mad woman and her cronies to a live show. ‘No, this is all wrong.’
The disappointed guards sagged slightly.
‘The mood isn’t right,’ said Rex. ‘I don’t know why, but men with machine guns have always been a real turn-off.’
***
Standing on the pier with Lafont, Colonel Adler watched the young trio further along the bank. She turned as her Sergeant joined them. ‘What did Corporal Baxter have to say for himself?’ she asked.
‘The idiot removed one of his audio implants,’ said Gruner.
‘Ah, I guessed as much. Some of our additional security are fairly stupid, but the salary ensures they don’t ask questions and they do as ordered.’
‘This one didn’t,’ said Lafont. ‘Will Baxter cause any more problems?’
‘I shouldn’t think so,’ said Gruner. ‘As we speak, Ligeia’s tiger is explaining the importance of obedience.’
‘Not to worry.’ Adler smiled. ‘We’re dispensing with the extra security before we leave tomorrow. Now we have one less to pay.’
‘If anyone is going to be a problem, it’s this man.’ Gruner gestured to the distant Rex. ‘Why are we keeping him? I know Ligeia wanted him, but she’ll soon grow tired and she has her mute lover there to entertain her, not to mention Ramson and Moran.’
Lafont peered curiously at the Sergeant. ‘He’s able to resist her,’ he said. ‘We need to know how this is possible before we consider getting rid of him. She said she wanted him to come with her and he refused. I knew there was something strange about him and I need to discover what.’
‘Exactly,’ said Adler. ‘We need to know in case this ever happens again.’
Rex drew angrily on his cigarette, glaring at the Colonel as she walked with the two men along the water’s edge to join him.
Adler peered at Ligeia. ‘You appear troubled,’ she said.
‘It’s Rex.’ The girl sat on the rock, pouting. ‘He won’t have sex with me.’
‘I shouldn’t worry,’ said Gruner, smirking. ‘These problems aren’t uncommon with some men when they’re stressed.’
‘What?’ snarled Rex, this suggestion taking priority over his abduction. No one was going to pity his sexual prowess. ‘Hey, let’s get something clear, pal...’
‘Ligeia,’ broke in the Colonel, ‘I’ve asked the chef to make chocolate ice creams for you and Elva. Why don’t you run along and enjoy them while I speak with your new friend.’
‘Ice cream,’ enthused Ligeia, pulling at Elva. ‘Chocolate.’
‘What the hell?’ gasped Rex. He watched the pair skip away hand-in-hand. ‘You know she isn’t right in the head, don’t you? I’m no doctor, but I can tell you they’re both several pawns short of a chess set. In medical terminology, they’re fucking crackers.’
‘Such things are subjective,’ said Adler. ‘Ligeia is a very happy girl and the billions she’s generated make me a very happy Colonel.’
Lafont gazed intently at the young man.
‘What’s with the staring?’ snapped Rex. ‘I saw you in the Edinburgh nightclub and you were staring at me then.’
‘This is our Padre, Mister Lafont,’ said Adler. ‘He’s a native of Haiti. My security company were employed to assist in certain political troubles out there. It’s where I lost my eye. His unique skills impressed me and he agreed to work for me.’
‘Helping you look for the eye?’ asked Rex, sarcastically.
‘I help in other ways.’ Lafont took Rex’s hand and squeezed, peering at him and muttering.
‘What the hell is this?’ Rex snatched his hand away.
‘You took the words out of my mouth, Mister Grant.’ Lafont gazed suspiciously. ‘What is this? I touched you when you were drugged and I sensed something wasn’t right with you, but now you’re awake and your esoteric energy is flowing, the feeling is so much stronger. What are you?’
‘What the fuck? You touched me when I was asleep?�
�
‘I did more than that,’ said Lafont. ‘I took hair and some of your blood in a syringe. Tonight the moon is full and I can go to work on them. My blood ritual should reveal what you’re hiding.’
‘Our Padre is an accomplished practitioner of the occult,’ said Adler. ‘He used to be what they call a Houngan, a priest of voodoo, but he long ago surpassed that rudimentary level. His rituals are a powerful blend of Haitian and western traditional magic and very shortly he’ll perform a working to discover your secrets. That’s probably difficult for you to believe?’
Rex peered warily at Lafont. After some of the things he’d experienced in the last few months, especially the occasions when he turned into a huge wolf, some twat performing voodoo wasn’t at all hard to accept. So his kidnappers had a real-life witchdoctor working for them? This shit just got weirder and weirder.
Adler glanced over Rex’s shoulder. ‘Ah, I think it’s now time to come clean with you.’
Rex turned, his mouth falling open to see two men crossing the lawn. One was fat, one was thin, and both wore grey suits, bow ties and bowler hats. The Colonel’s voodoo priest suddenly seemed fairly unremarkable next to Oliver Hardy and Stan Laurel.
‘Well,’ said Hardy, chuckling. ‘Here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten yourself into.’
‘What the...’ whispered Rex. He stared at them for several seconds. ‘You have to be fucking joking? Laurel and Hardy?’
‘Laurel and Hardy,’ confirmed Adler.
‘Impossible.’ Rex shook his head slowly. ‘This is totally...’
‘Totally real,’ said Adler. ‘Please feel free to touch them.’
‘So he was there in the hotel. I didn’t know if I was hallucinating when you drugged me, but I did see Oliver Hardy.’
‘Yes, everything you remember really happened.’
‘Charlotte was hurt...’
‘She’s dead, Rex.’ The Colonel shrugged apologetically. ‘When I called on you, you appeared to be alone and I wrongly assumed she’d left. Unfortunately, Miss Michie emerged from the bathroom as we were injecting you.’
