Silence followed her statement as the girls exchanged significant looks with each other. Maddie finally broke the silence. “Ellie, did he say that was the reason he broke things off?”
“Yes.” She couldn’t interpret the strange looks on her friends’ faces. “What?”
Lorelei stepped closer and whispered as if Lawson might overhear, despite their distance away from him. “It just can’t be true, that’s all. He encouraged us to matchmake the same as you. Oh, he didn’t give us pointers like you did at Maddie and Jeff’s engagement party, but he told his parents that he was willing to cooperate. I promised him myself that you wouldn’t find out he was in on it.”
Sophia smiled. “You see, Ellie? You didn’t make a mistake.”
She felt a weight lift off her soul as those words settled into her mind. Her words came out more as an exclamation than a question. “Why would he lie to me?”
Amy shushed her, throwing a quick glance over her shoulder at the men. “He was probably trying to hide the real reason. That’s the way men are. He’s probably upset about something else entirely.”
Sophia nodded. “Whatever the reason, we know for sure that it isn’t what he told you.”
“I don’t know. He isn’t usually one to lie. And come to think of it, he didn’t actually say that was his reason. I brought it up, and he just agreed. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell me the real reason because it’s something worse. Either way, I’m not sure the reason matters if the bottom line is that he doesn’t want to be more than friends with me.”
“Of course it matters,” Lorelei protested.
Ellie glanced around the circle of her friends who nodded adamantly. “But, even when we tried being more than friends, he didn’t seem that serious about me.”
“Serious?” Maddie asked. “The only other girl he ever expressed interest in he was willing to marry.”
Lorelei laughed. “He wasn’t half as interested in me as he has been in you, which proves to me that he knows he has a shot at creating something incredible with you. For some reason he doesn’t want to admit, he’s willing to walk away from that. All I can say is don’t make it that easy for him.”
The church bell rang to announce the service would start in a few minutes, so the girls dispersed, save Lorelei, who lingered for a moment. “Did you ever finish that list you were making?”
“Actually, I forgot about it. I guess I’ve been distracted.”
“Perhaps you should finish it.” Lorelei gave her a little wink then left. Ellie spotted Kate, Nathan and their children arriving, so she excused herself to meet up with them. Someone started matching her steps. Donovan Turner.
“Hello, Miss Ellie. You’ll be pleased to know that I sold my farm.”
She stopped abruptly to face him. “You did what? Why?”
“It was keeping us apart.” He removed his hat.
She stared at him in shock. “Please tell me you didn’t sell your farm because of me.”
He puffed out his chest proudly. “Sure I did. Now that you’re no longer with Lawson there is nothing to stand in our way.”
“My goodness!” She glanced around and though no one seemed to have noticed their interlude, she kept her voice quiet but urgent so as not to embarrass him. “You’ve got to get your farm back. No, don’t shake your head. Please stop smiling at me and listen. I am not interested in you, Mr. Turner. It has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a pig farmer. You won’t seem to heed my brother-in-law but you need to listen to me. You have to stop this. You’re making me uncomfortable. I don’t want you to seek me out anymore. Do you understand me?”
As she spoke, the smile on his face slowly faded to confusion then disappointment. “But, there’s no other girl for me. We have to be together.”
“There is another girl somewhere who’s right for you but I’m afraid it isn’t and never will be me.”
His eyes seemed to harden.
She softened, realizing her words must have wounded him mightily. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’m not trying to. Honest, I’m not. Just please find someone else. Oh, and talk to Judge Hendricks. Maybe he can help you get your farm back.”
She hurried away holding her breath until she was sure he wasn’t following her. When she reached Kate and Nathan she told them what happened. They both assured her she’d done the right thing. Even so, the look in Donovan’s eyes after she told him they’d never be together was not one she’d soon forget.
* * *
The end of Lawson’s match burst into flame a moment before he led his mount through the barn door. He turned to light the lantern that normally hung inside the door, but realized it was missing just as he spotted its golden glow reflecting off the window near the south side of the barn. It illuminated a rather familiar feminine form that slept cuddled uncomfortably on a wooden chair. His lips pulled into a slight smile before he trained them into a curious frown.
A few moments later, his horse properly settled for the night, he surveyed Ellie’s slumbering features. She looked pure, innocent in the pool of light that spilled across her features into her golden hair and down her yellow dress. The open dime novel in her hand had slowly slipped from her lax fingers to dangle perilously toward the ground. As he watched, it broke free from her grasp. He instinctively tried to catch it before it could fall and awaken her but it didn’t do any good for she startled awake.
He stepped back and closed the book. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“That’s all right.” Her hand sleepily rubbed across her cheek then slipped into her hair. “I wasn’t supposed to be sleeping, anyway.”
“What are you doing in here this time of night?” He handed her the book.
“Abigail is foaling. It’s her first and Nathan wants to make sure there aren’t any complications. I’m supposed to keep watch until eleven o’clock, then he’s taking over.”
He eyed the mare that appeared to be sleeping. “Did you tell Nathan that you didn’t sleep much last night?”
“No. It’s my own fault for staying up late. I’m not going to shirk my duties because of that.”
“I see.” He wandered down the aisle until he found a stool, then carried it back to where Ellie sat. “I’ll keep watch until Nathan gets here. You go on to bed.”
Her eyes widened but she shook her head. “You don’t have to do that. Besides, I’m awake now. Perhaps you could stay a while to keep me awake.”
He stared at her, thoroughly confused. She’d been sending him mixed signals since the day after they’d broken things off. He should have rejected her invitation. He should have gotten up and walked away or insisted she leave. He knew that so why did he nod? Why did he straddle the stool and allow a companionable silence to fall between them? It was probably because he was a little bit crazy and very foolish. Or, maybe he was just curious about how she managed to read her book upside down without knowing it. He glanced at Abigail. “Are you sure that horse is foaling?”
He’d managed to startle her again. Had she fallen back to sleep? She set her book aside. “She was before I went to sleep. You don’t suppose she already had it and I slept through it?”
“I don’t think so.”
She went back to reading her book upside down. He wondered how long she could keep it up then she lifted her green eyes to his. “Have you decided about the trip?”
He nodded but glanced away. “I’m going.”
She let that answer stand for a moment before she softly asked, “Why?”
He rolled his shoulders in a shrug. “I’ve always had that one fear lurking in the back of my head that I was like my father or would somehow end up like him—them, really...my parents. No matter what I do I can’t seem to make it go away. Until now, I’ve never had the opportunity to know—really know how we’re similar or different. Now I do.�
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He glanced up to meet her gaze with intensity. “The only thing I want less than to see my father again is to live with that thought haunting me for the rest of my life. Either way, I’ve got to know.”
“I know what you mean about having a fear hanging over you.” She rubbed her arms and frowned. “Only I’m not sure I’m brave enough to face up to mine.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know. Isn’t that the strangest thing?” Her voice quieted as she stared into the distance. “Mrs. Greene knows part of it. Maybe she knows all of it but I don’t want to ask her. It has something to do with my parents.”
“I remember you mentioning this at the graveyard.”
“Yes, and you told me to forget about it but I can’t. You see, I don’t remember much about my parents but I do remember that they were full of life and laughter. Then one day they were gone. They just died. They were too young to die.” She bit her lip. “Ever since then, in the back of my head, I’ve always had this fear—this nagging sense that I did something to make them go away.”
He frowned. “That’s hard to imagine from what I’ve heard of your parents. They didn’t choose to die like my parents chose to leave.”
Her eyes refocused on his, and a wan smile touched her lips. “My head says you’re right but my heart isn’t convinced.”
“I understand.” He would have continued the conversation but Abigail decided to remember that she was going to have a foal. Lawson watched her carefully as she began to pace. Everything seemed to be progressing normally. As Lawson kept an eye on the nervous mare, Ellie subtly turned her book right side up and began to read. It wasn’t long before the book was drooping in her hands again. He shook his head. “Aren’t you ready to give up yet?”
She didn’t respond so he whispered a promise to Abigail that he’d be back, then managed to lift Ellie from the chair into his arms. She stirred but he was fairly certain that she was too sleepy to realize he was taking her to the farmhouse. He mounted the steps to the porch, then called her name to awaken her. “Do you think you can stand?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
He glanced down to meet her mischievous eyes with a frown. “You little faker. You were awake the whole time.”
She didn’t go far when he set her down. In fact, she left her arms around his neck and leveled her deep green eyes at him in the evening shadows. “All right, I’m a little faker. I admit it. I think you’d better admit something, too.”
“What?” He thought about removing his hands from her waist but got distracted when she poked him in the chest.
“You are a faker, too.”
He released her. “What are you talking about?”
One of her hands slipped to her hip as she lifted her chin. “You agreed with me when I said that you only courted me because everyone was pressuring you, but that’s not the truth. You didn’t feel pressured by the town’s matchmaking. You encouraged it. You wanted to be more than friends just like I did.”
He should deny it but the hurt in her eyes after he’d ended their fledgling courtship kept him from doing that. He rubbed his stubbly jaw and turned his gaze to the star-covered sky so he wouldn’t have to look her in the eye. “Who told you?”
“It doesn’t matter. The whole town knew.” She tugged him slightly closer, arresting his attention once more. “Why did you let me believe something that wasn’t true?”
“I didn’t know it would hurt you as badly as it did. I just...I thought it would be simpler than telling the truth.”
“What is the truth?”
He lifted his hand to cradle her chin and swept his thumb against her smooth cheek as he faced it for the first time himself. He cared for Ellie as a friend but his feelings went far deeper than that—so deep that they were dangerously close to love. It wouldn’t be a weak sort of love, either. At least, not according to the feelings she’d inspired so far.
His past told him that if he let her that close—closer than he’d let anyone before—she was bound to leave. Maybe not tomorrow or in a year, but one day. Somehow he had to make her understand.
“The truth is that I’m not the man for you, Ellie. You deserve so much more than what I have to offer. One day you’re going to realize that I’m not enough and you’re going to walk away. I don’t want my broken heart trailing behind you.”
She barely let him finish before she shook her head. “The only one walking away from this is you, Lawson. Not me. Maybe that’s saving your heart but it’s breaking mine and I won’t stand by and watch it happen.”
He tensed at her declaration. The last thing he needed was for her to make this more difficult than it already was. His hands found their way to her arms. “We agreed to go back to being friends.”
She leaned into his touch and tilted her head back to meet his gaze in a challenge of temptation. A hint of a smile touched her lips. “Is that what this is? Then by all means, Lawson, let’s be friends.”
“Ellie,” he groaned. “You’re not being fair.”
She swayed onto her tiptoes to give him a soft but lingering kiss. “Good night, Lawson.”
He’d never heard anyone say his name like that before. Her voice caressed those two simple syllables as if they were something precious—as if he was something important and dear. It took him a moment to realize that he was the one holding on to her. He released her. “Good night, Ellie.”
Chapter Thirteen
Ellie went into the house, hurried up the stairs to her room and peered out her window to see Lawson standing just where she’d left him. No doubt the shocked look on his face hadn’t changed, either. A smile tilted her lips when he slowly walked toward the barn. She lit her lamp, then grabbed her nightgown and spun in a joyous circle. “I didn’t make a mistake. I didn’t! I actually did the right thing for once. Thank You, Lord!”
She changed into her nightgown, marveling at how close she’d been to letting him go without a fight. That really would have been a mistake. She still had a chance. She’d seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice even as he’d told her he wasn’t the man for her.
She pulled the Bachelor List from beneath her mattress, then settled onto the stool in front of her vanity to look at it. She’d given a match to nearly everyone on her list except Lawson. From the way he talked, he probably wouldn’t give himself a match at all. He seemed to think love would expose something inside of him that would frighten her away. Didn’t he know that wasn’t the way romantic love worked?
What about God’s love? she asked herself, then wondered where that thought had come from. She knew she had God’s love. She knew that Lawson had it, too. Didn’t he realize that it covered a multitude of sins? God would never leave him...and if Lawson gave her a chance, then neither would she.
She found a pencil, then proceeded to circle Lawson’s name before placing her initials beside it with a deliberate flare. I won’t let him cheat himself and some fortunate woman out of a beautiful future—especially if that woman might be me.
She blew out the lamp and slipped under the covers. Sleep beckoned her, lowering her defenses. A wisp of a memory fluttered through her mind. She could almost hear her mother’s voice. “You did a bad thing, Ellie. A very bad thing.”
Her sleep-laden lashes flew open as she instinctively pushed the thought away. She swallowed. Gathering her courage, she closed her eyes and allowed the memory to wash over her.
She looked up at her mother through tear-blurred eyes. Her father knelt beside her. “Do you know what you did wrong?”
“I told a secret.”
“We have to fix this,” her mother said.
Her father nodded, but looked doubtful. “There’s a storm coming in.”
“I know, but she’s ruined Amelia!”
Her parents scolded her once more and she sulked off to t
he settee to watch the flurry of activity as her parents got ready to leave. She refused to say goodbye to them because she was smarting from their rebuke. They left and they never came back.
Ellie gasped as realization filled her then left her breathless. The guilt that she’d always felt in the back of her mind settled in the pit of her stomach and tripped up to her lips. “It’s my fault. They left that day because of me...my stupid mistake... I wanted to feel important by telling others about Mrs. Greene. It’s my fault they died.”
These were the consequences Mrs. Greene had mentioned. And yes, they were just as awful as she’d promised. How could she face her siblings now knowing the truth? She couldn’t tell them. Not after all these years. She didn’t want to see them try to disguise their feelings to make her feel better. They’d tell her it wasn’t her fault. They’d be lying.
I think I knew the truth all along. I was always afraid it was true—afraid I was right.
She could no longer hide from the memory or the disappointment she remembered hearing in their voices. They had been so disappointed in her—had died while still upset over what she had done. And if they had lived, she would have upset them so many more times with her endless stream of mistakes—except for Lawson. Despite her earlier fears, she hadn’t made a mistake with him. It wasn’t enough to rectify her earlier mistakes, but it was a start.
Pushing away her covers, she settled on her knees beside her bed in a position she only assumed when she desperately needed help. “Lord, I prayed that You would reveal what happened to me and You did. I don’t know that I’m particularly grateful for that but I finally know. What am I supposed to do now? I’m so tired of feeling guilty and dirty. I thought knowing might relieve me of that but I just feel worse. Will You help me, please? Show me what to do.”
She paused, realizing that was the first time in a very long time that she’d actually prayed for direction instead of just handing out an order. She grimaced. All right, so maybe she had a little to learn about walking with God instead of running ahead of Him. At this point, her sense of direction was so confused that she had no idea where she was, let alone where she was supposed to be going. Perhaps she’d try to let Him lead for a while just to see how it felt. Anything would be better than this.
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