by Daisy Allen
I knocked. No answer. I knew she wasn’t at work, Larry had told me that she’d asked for a few days leave.
I knocked again.
“Kara. It’s me. If you’re in there, please open the door.”
I listened, but there wasn’t any movement inside.
I sighed.
I’d come back again tomorrow.
***
The sound of my knuckles rapping on the door echoed down the empty hallway.
“Kara, it’s Finn. I need to talk to you. Five minutes, just give me five minutes, please.”
Three days later, she still hadn’t come to the door, I didn’t know if she was in there ignoring me, or not even home. I’d tried coming at different times of the day, just to catch her.
But there was never an answer to my knocks.
No clue to tell me what to do next.
“I miss you, Kara,” I whispered, pressing my hand against her door for a moment before turning down her hallway.
***
“She’s not there.” A voice spoke up behind me as I pushed on the door of Kara’s apartment building.
It’d been another three days of nothing. I hadn’t slept or eaten a proper meal in days. I didn’t even recognize myself any more.
“What? I’m sorry?” I turned around to see a young woman holding a plastic bag of take out containers.
“Kara. You’re Finn, right? I’m Mai, I own this restaurant,” the woman said, gesturing to the store behind her.
“You know Kara?” My heart leapt with hope.
“Yes. And I know you’re Finn, so I wouldn’t get too excited.”
“Where is she? When will she be home?”
“Doesn’t matter, I’m just telling you, she’s not home now. And that even if she was, she wouldn’t be home for you.”
“Mai…please, I really need to talk to her, I need to…I just need to explain some things.”
“Finn, look, I don’t know what’s really happened, but I can tell you this. Whatever it is you might have to say, Kara isn’t ready to listen. So maybe you should give her some time.”
“But…”
“Trust me. I know her.”
I bit my tongue, I didn’t want to give her time, I wanted her to forgive me, tell me that I hadn’t fucked things up forever.
“I‘ve seen you come every day for the last week, and I have to admit, at first I didn’t think much of you, but now I know, there’s something you must really want to say to her. Give her time, Finn. She’s in a LOT of pain right now. Just, give her some time to breathe, yeah?”
One more day. I’d give her one more day.
***
My sweet Kara,
Something happened to me that night after I drove away from you.
I realized that people were never meant to live as single entities.
Well, not me, anyway. I wasn’t meant to live without you.
I was young, stupid, proud, immature. I didn’t realize that everyone made mistakes, but it was how you tried to learn from them that made you who you are.
When you finally told me you forgave me, I felt a weight off my shoulder I hadn’t realized I‘d been carrying.
When I told you I was afraid that my Dad was looking down on me disappointed in the man his son had become, in a way, I meant you, too.
We might have different memories of our childhood together. I guess you remember me as Heather’s annoying brother, always going through some version of me I thought was cool. I remember watching you, always laughing, always smiling, always looking for something to achieve in your life. It was this enthusiasm of yours I fell in love with. And kept falling in love with when I saw it had only grown even stronger in the woman you are today.
It’s been over a week now, since I last saw you.
Would you believe me if I told you, it feels as long as the last 15 years did?
When I say you weren’t supposed to find out about my marriage this way, or that things weren’t supposed to work out this way, what I meant was this: when I realized that we had found each other, or that I had finally found you, all I wanted was for us to have another chance. I just didn’t think things would move so fast. Too fast for me to do anything about my circumstances. It’s why I couldn’t promise you anything beyond our week in Paris.
I never meant that it would be the end, just until I could pave the way for us to be together forever.
Why didn’t I wait?
I couldn’t.
Maybe you’ll understand what it meant for us to finally be together, or maybe you won’t. Just know, it was everything I’ve ever wanted in this world. And those moments in the presence of your laughter, will be the memories I take with me to my grave.
This letter isn’t to beg you to take me back.
This letter is to release you, from me forever.
You once told me it was better to be smiling than to be sad.
I want that for you. Go out and be a greedy guts for life and one day, love.
Stop being sad, my love, and smile that beautiful smile of yours. The world needs it.
All my love.
Finn.
Part three:
KARA
Chapter Twenty Seven
Present Day
“Mai, stop feeding my cat, he’s starting to resemble me, you don’t want him to be a bachelor forever, do you?” I complained from my spot on the couch, rubbing my bloated belly.
“Oh hush. You’re gorgeous and somewhere your lucky royal Prince is out there lonely and thinking, ‘I wonder where my soul mate is?’ Too bad you’re too busy working and eating food out of a plastic container to find him.”
“Hmm, I don’t want a Prince.”
“Babe. I’m not saying you can’t do everything on your own, and I’m not even saying every person should be in a relationship. But you, you do.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because people who TRULY don’t want to be in a relationship or don’t love anyone, don’t make their friendly and understanding neighborhood delivery woman do a special knock on the door so they know it’s food, and not foe. Those are people in denial.”
“That was a month ago. And I don’t want to talk about it.”
“No, remember our deal?”
“No.” Of course I did.
“Yes, you do. Well, it’s been a week, and per our deal, every week, I get to ask you once - are you ready to read the letter?”
“No.”
“Kara, sweetie, think about it before you answer.”
I didn’t answer. How could I tell her that I did think about it? That I thought about it every moment of every day. I spent my time trying NOT to think about it, about him.
How could I tell her that I already found my soul mate, and he wasn’t a Prince, he was just a man, a good, clever, thoughtful, loving, passionate man - who wasn’t mine to love?
“Mai, I can’t.”
“Ok. You done with this?” She pointed to the half finished bowl of noodles. “I’ll take it back to the restaurant and just fill it up with new broth and send it out to the next customer who orders Pho.”
“Oh my god!” I was horrified. “Do you really do that?”
Mai fell off the edge of the couch and onto a pile on the floor laughing. “You..should…see your…face!!” She gasped, clutching her stomach.
“Ugh! Not funny.” I bit my tongue to stop the laughter bubbling up inside me, I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction.
“Aw shit, that was good, thanks for that. I have the spirit to work another 6 hours now,” Mai puffed as she pulled herself to her feet.
The corners of my mouth twitched, I was lucky to have her in my life.
“See ya, babe,” she leant over to kiss my cheek and ruffle my hair as she left, slamming the door too loudly behind her.
“Ow. Geez,” I groaned, getting to my feet to lock the door. Turning back to the couch, a white envelope on the coffee table caught my eye.
No.
She didn’t.
I gingerly picked up the envelope, turning it over in my hand.
Two words: For Kara, were written on the front. It was still sealed. I was almost surprised that she hadn’t torn it open in the month since he had given it to her to give to me.
I sank into the couch. It’d been a month, and yet it still felt like yesterday, sliding into the taxi and driving away from him. My stomach twisting in pain, my chest burning from my jagged breath.
I’d told myself it shouldn’t have mattered that he was married, we weren’t to be together anyway, that had been the understanding, but the news that Finn had not only betrayed his wife, but that it truly meant that we couldn’t have a future had blindsided me.
A month later, I could still hear his admission, ‘Yes’. Yes, he was married.
What was there left to say?
Maybe it was time to find out.
“Damn Mai,” I cursed, half wanting to scrunch up the letter and never know what it contained, half craving some news about Finn so deeply that it physically hurt.
I held my breath as I let my heart decide.
My finger slid under the envelope flap.
Chapter Twenty Eight
“Heather!” I ran to her as she got up from the table and held her arms out to me. “Did you just get in?”
“Hell yeah, I wanted to see you as soon as possible!”
“Sit down, sit down. You ordered?”
“Yup, and for you too.”
“Oh, thanks babe, what’d you order?”
“A lot.” She answered, her eyes twinkling with delight.
I pulled a face at her then burst into laughter. It was good to have her back in my life.
“How long are you in the States for?
“Not long, babe, it’s pretty busy at the hotel right now, but I thought Blake could hang out with his Grandma for vacation, and I wanted to come see you, of course.”
I reached over and squeezed her arm. Thank the lucky stars or whoever it was that brought her into my life.
“And, ugh, I’m glad you’re here for me to talk to this about.” Her face fell a little, seemingly burdened by something.
“Oh, I’m here. What’s going on?
“Blake is starting to ask a lot about his Dad, and I don’t know what to do.”
I didn’t know how to answer either, considering I didn’t know anything about what had happened, only that I was 99% sure the father was Eric. I just nodded and let her continue.
“How do I tell him, his Dad has no idea he even exists?”
“Um…” I started, then someone coming through the door caught my eye. “Oh.”
“Hi, Kara.” Madeleine smiled kindly at me as she approached the table. “Hey, Heath.” She sat down into the empty chair.
I noticed Heather didn’t seem surprised to see her.
“Hello Madeleine.” I greeted her stiffly, how does one address their ex-lover’s secret wife? “Heather?” I turned to her, wanting to know what part she had in this.
“Madeleine asked to come today.” Heather answered. “Just, just maybe listen to what she has to say, ok?”
Had it been anyone else asking, I would’ve walked then and there. But somehow I felt that if anyone might have something I wanted to hear about Finn, it was the person he was married to.
“I didn’t want to ambush you, Kara. I just felt, this was the only way. I, um, I know that Finn had tried to contact you too, but couldn’t” The reminder that she was with him and I wasn’t burned like a hot coal searing against my heart.
“I have something for you.” She reached into her bag and handed me a large yellow envelope.
I hesitated for a moment before reaching for it, and held it warily in my hands.
“Please, open it.” She said.
I pulled on the tab and peeked inside, it was a stack of paperwork. I pulled it out and read the top sheet.
It was an application to file for divorce, from Finn.
I stared at her open mouthed, guilt ridden.
“I’m so sorry, Madeleine…but please believe me, when I tell you, I didn’t know.”
She just chuckled a little.
“No, maybe I should start at the beginning.”
I braced myself.
“My parents are Devin and Cathleen Healy.” I frowned, those names sounded so familiar. Oh.
“Your parents are…”
“Yup, they owned the hotel in Dublin that Finn bought. I’ve known him for years, ever since we were kids and the whole family would come over during vacations with their Pa.”
I bit back a burst of jealousy.
“When my Dad got sick and Finn took over, I was still in college, but I dropped out, went a little wild. I guess Finn understood what it was like to have such a big change in your life so he took me under his wing.”
Heather looked at me and I nodded, knowing now what a caring man Finn was.
“Anyway, a few years ago, I decided that Dublin wasn’t the place for me, and I wanted to move to the USA. I came over, but because I hadn’t finished my degree and never really worked…my parents really spoiled me, I couldn’t get a job, well, I couldn’t keep one anyway. It got to the point that I was going to be deported, and there was really only one option left.”
“A green card,” it dawned on me.
“Yes. I would never have asked, but Finn arranged everything, almost as a surprise. He had an apartment set up so we could have a joint address, but mostly we were to live separate lives. He was a friend, of course, but there has never been anything romantic between us. I understand now why that might be.” She winked at me.
The two women looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I didn’t know what it was going to be myself.
“Anyway, so we might be legally married, but it was only ever going to be something temporary, and there is no commitment between the two of us, Kara. He was and is free to be with whomever he chooses. Hell, if I can date, I don’t see why he can’t!”
“Then why does he…”
“Why does he still feel as though there is some sort of promise he needs to keep to me? I don’t know, because he’s a good guy, I guess. Or maybe casual flings are ok, but I think he wanted to be completely free before making any promises to you. Either way I’m letting him out of it. It’s not worth this, Kara. I care about Finn too much to let this affect his life, I only agreed in the first place because he swore that it wouldn’t. I don’t think he was prepared for you coming back to his life. Anyway, as far as I am concerned, as you can see from my signature, our marriage is over.”
“But Madeleine, what about your visa?”
“I’ll figure it out, hey, maybe your Stepdad can get me a job?” She turned to Heather.
“Sure, which company do you want?” Heather joked back, trying to lighten the mood.
I dropped my eyes to the words on the paper in my hand again, not really reading, but trying to process what I’d heard. He wasn’t really married. I mean, married, but not. Not in the way that mattered.
Should it matter to me, that he didn’t tell me? How would I have reacted?
You would’ve pushed him away, my mind told me. And you’d never have known what it was like, to be with Finn O’Reilly.
“Heather?” I conjured up every ounce of trust I had in my body.
“Yes, Kara?”
“Is this true?”
“Sweetie, you know you can trust me right?”
“With my life.”
“Then believe me when I tell you, every single little word is true.”
Chapter Twenty Nine
It was as green as I remembered.
Fields and fields of nature’s playground, as far as my eye could strain to see.
The sun was starting to tire, lagging in the sky, ready for its quiet descent into bedtime. The angle of the orange tinted rays casted a soft hue over the miles and miles of countryside that whizzed by my window in the back seat.
“How long to go?” I ask
ed the driver.
“Not long, lass, maybe about 5 minutes. You’re in a hurry, aren’t ya? Must be on your way to meet a lucky lad.” He chuckled to himself.
I smiled at the easy warmth of the locals, which had helped considerably when I’d arrived, not knowing where I was going and how. They’d made everything easier considering the kaleidoscope of butterflies fluttering their wings in my organs.
I sat back, calming my breath as the road began to match the memories imprinted in my head. Not long now.
Would he even be there? Heather had called to check on him the day before and she said he’d had no plans to leave.
Would he even want to see me?
I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.
But he would listen to me, I would make sure of that. If anything, he had taught me that I was stronger than I ever thought I was. I had learned I could live without him, but didn’t want to. So here I was, half way around the world, to tell him, that sadness or smiles, I wanted to experience them with him in my life, by my side.
“We’re here, lass.” The driver turned his head to tell me, interrupting my thoughts. “You look beautiful in that blue dress, my dearie. Is it a special occasion?”
“Yes, it’s my prom,” I smiled at his confused face. “Thank you.” I paid him and slid out of the car, watching him drive away, the wheels turning up the dust on the cobblestones.
I stared up at the grey building towering over me, wondering what awaited me inside. Instinct whispered to me to go to the back entrance. As I turned the corner, the field of furze spread out in front of me, and I stifled a gasp. The vastness of the view overwhelmed.
Yellow to eternity. I would never get tired of it.
Or maybe it was the sight of a lone figure, his back turned to me, watching the sunset that took my breath away.
I dropped my bag and walked toward him, the hem of my silk dress dragging against the blooms, stirring up yellow petals and pollen in her wake.
I moved almost silently, holding my breath, waiting for him to turn around.I stopped, mere feet away from him and took a deep breath before I spoke.
“Close your eyes.” I paused, giving him time to follow my instructions. “Now take a deep breath.”
