"He's the one who let me go, Logan." I ignore the double meaning in his words.
"He wants you back, Amaryllis."
I sigh. "But I don't. Now can we please stop talking about him, please? He's not the one in the hospital. What happened?"
"I fainted?" He grins. "You were there."
"Logan, I meant-"
"I know what you meant. Well, I'm about to get all medical so listen," his eyes flash with a momentary sadness. "The first time I had leukemia, it got cured by chemotherapy. Then, during a blood test, the doctors found a high level of white blood cells. There was also a low level of platelets and hemoglobin.”
I blink to keep track of everything. "And the treatment for that is?"
"Radiation and chemotherapy."
Tears gather in my eyes, because I hear so much about both treatments. Chemotherapy, though, will make him suffer, but it will hopefully help.
"Yes, I know why you're crying."
I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand. "Why?"
He does a miserably failed hair flip. "The hair will be gone."
I let out a small laugh.
There's a short comfortable silence that Logan breaks.
"I'm going to be at the UC Davis Comprehensive Cancer Center a lot now. And I'm going to be missing a lot of school."
"So?"
"Sadly, you won't see me as often as you'd like to," he yawns and slips into the bed more.
I scoff. "Are you stupid or are you stupid? I'll come see you as often as I can."
He smiles and closes his eyes. "Are you sure you don't like me?"
"Positive. Now sleep."
12
I want you bad
“Really? And he fell asleep while you were there?” exclaims Jenna, taking a handful of popcorn and shoving it in her mouth. I nod, taking a bite of the pizza in my hands.
I grimace. “I’m so worried, though, Jen.”
“About him?”
I shrug. “Yeah, I mean he’s going to be taking chemo soon. I heard that it makes you puke and sleep a lot, plus the hair loss.”
“I know, but at least he has you,” says Jenna.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m just saying, he’s going to go through torture for the next period of his life. You promised to be there for him, and maybe in a way, that helps him.”
I sigh. “I guess, yeah.”
There’s a small silence as Jenna looks at something on her phone.
“Ethan talked to me; after you left, I mean.”
I raise an eyebrow. “About?”
“You, dumdum.”
Groaning, I put my face on her pillow. “Don’t tell me what he said.”
Jenna stares at me and shakes her head. She types something on her phone and puts it away. She lies on her bed and stares at the ceiling. I soon imitate her.
“How’s it with Ryan?” I ask, for the first time in forever.
There’s a pause.
“Good, good.”
“Good.”
“Hey, Amy?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Logan’s right?”
I yawn and slip under the covers. “About?”
“Do you like him?”
I close my eyes and refrain from answering. Even I don’t know how to answer that. Do I like him? Was it possible to like someone you’ve known for only a few weeks?
“You don’t know, do you?”
“You know me best,” I answer.
My phone rings and I jump in bed. I shuffle around for my phone and Jenna does the same. Soon enough, I realize that’s the ringtone Logan set for himself, Bad by the Cab. Jenna tosses me my phone and I catch it despite my horrendous reflexes. Indeed, a horrible selfie by Logan is on the screen. I put it on speaker for the sake of Jenna’s uncontrollable curiosity.
“Hello?” I answer, making myself comfortable on the bed.
“Did I wake you?”
I shake my head, even though he can’t see me. “Uh, no?”
“Good.” I could hear him smiling.
“Why’d you call?” I ask.
He chuckles. “I figured you already missed me.”
“Do I, now?”
“And plus, I got bored when I woke up.”
I raise an eyebrow. “So I’m your entertainment.”
“Depends in which way,” he laughs and I feel myself lighten. “I just winked at you by the way.”
It’s my turn to laugh. Jenna grins like a Cheshire cat. “You’re such a freak.”
“Oh, I know.”
“Shouldn’t you defend yourself? I called you a freak.”
“Nah, I think being weird or freaky is a good thing. I wouldn’t want to be plain and normal now, would I?”
“Oh, of course, not! You should be proud.” I smile.
He chuckles. “Thank you for the support.”
“You have a nice phone voice!” blurts out Jenna on the phone, blushing deep red.
“Do I, now? Thank you, Ms. Jenna.”
I furrow my eyebrows, “How did you know it wasn’t me?”
“Because your voice is too witty and cute.”
I blush even though I don’t want to. “Did you just say that I have a cute and witty voice?”
“YOU HAVE A CUTE AND WITTY VOICE, AMARYLLIS GRACE WOLFE,” he shouts into the phone. Startled, I jump.
“Now, why aren’t you asleep?” He says in a perfectly composed voice that won’t damage my ears.
“Well, I have this semi-handsome friend who keeps on calling me and interrupting my almost-sleep.” I clasp my hand on my mouth to keep myself from bursting into laughter at his expression for calling him semi-handsome.
“Semi? I think your friend is more handsome than you think. Plus, you should take in his attractiveness before he becomes bald.”
I laugh. “Really? Maybe I need glasses. I can’t see what you’re talking about.”
“You hurt me, Amaryllis. You hurt me right here,” he says. “By the way, I just pointed at my heart.”
Oh, God. This conversation may be the reason causing me to dream of a certain gray-eyed boy with a big smile and an even bigger ego.
13
Latching onto you
One week.
It's been one full week since I've seen Logan.
I don't think I've ever missed anyone more, besides my mom, of course.
God, it's just that he has this way of living instead of just existing without a reason.
He lives.
He has this smile. It's like the whole world lights up and everything is better, because he's happy. He has become the sun in my life and after Ethan, I never thought it would happen again.
"Mars?"
Speaking of the devil.
"Hi," I say feebly. He sits down one seat away from me. I am eating lunch alone while listening to music and "doing" homework. These are the kind of days where Jenna spends the whole lunch with Ryan.
He smiles. "Did I interrupt something?"
"No, no. I was just enjoying being alone," I say. "So, what's up?"
"I want to talk to you about Logan," he confesses, the smile falling.
I shrug. "What about him?"
"Do you," he gulps, "have feelings for him?"
I stare at Ethan and feel annoyance building up in me. Can't he just stop? I thought we got over this whole "I have feelings for you" affair.
"I don't believe that's any of your business," I reply, a little colder than I intended.
Ethan reddens. "I was just asking, because you act in this way and you worry about him and-"
Something in me just snaps like a branch.
"Look, Ethan. I don’t mean to be mean, but get over yourself! I already told you, us is over. Whether I like Logan or not is my business. The way I act or worry about him shouldn't concern you," I say in a sharp voice. "For crying out loud, he's dying! A teenager is dying and all you're worried about is whether I have a crush on him."
I've never been so mean to so
meone before.
Scratch that, I've never been so mean to Ethan before.
My phone buzzes on the table with Logan's Mom written on it. I pick up my books and my phone and leave the food.
"Hello?" I answer as soon as I'm away from Ethan.
"Amy? Hi-hi, um, I-" Her voice is shaking and she seems to be crying. "Do you think you can come see Logan soon?"
My heart drops.
"Why? Is he-" Dying? But I don't dare finish that sentence.
"No! No! His first chemo session is today and he's having trouble. I think he needs a friend. I don't have any of his other friends' numbers and his phone has a code on it. Could you come, please?"
My answer is automatic. "Of course."
14
Oblivion
I walk through the UC Comprehensive Cancer Center halls, my heart struggling to keep its pace steady. I am so worried about him, how badly can he be suffering? I stayed up last night researching about cancer and the side effects of the first chemotherapy session. The first one is always the hardest.
I find a room where there are several beds with sleeping teenagers and I search the room for Logan. His mom appears and waves at me, crouching down beside a boy with the hospital robe, who is puking into a bucket.
Wondering why she is spending her time with that boy rather than her son, I approach her, swallowing my saliva. The smell of puke hits my nostrils and I instinctively gag before quickly recovering and breathing through my mouth.
She rubs his back and mutters soothing words. “Your friend’s here.” She hands him a water bottle and he rinses his mouth.
I have to restrain myself from turning around and looking if there’s another person around me.
Unless this is him.
“Logan?” I whisper, blinking. The boy looks up and turns around a little. Familiar gray eyes wide in surprise look straight at me. There are circles under his eyes and if that’s even possible, he’s become thinner than I last saw him a week ago. He turns to Jane with a questioning gaze.
“What is she doing here?” He says, his voice raspy in the beginning.
Jane looks surprised at his reaction, “Logan, I thought you needed a friend.”
“Why her? What the actual fuck, Mom? Why would you do this?” says Logan with a louder voice now. She doesn’t answer.
He turns to me with sad, angry eyes. “Please go.”
“But—”
“I said, go away, Amaryllis."
15
It’s all right to cry
“I didn’t want her to see me like this! I look like crap, I feel like crap! I don’t want her to see me like this!” Logan’s voice shouts, making goose bumps appear on my arms. His voice sounds tired and faded, even cracking in some places.
Hushed voices are getting louder in the room Logan's in. The voices quiet down to murmurs, then silence. All I can think of is how stupid I was to come here. Of course he wouldn't want to see me while he's in this state. How could I be so insensible? I mean, yeah, his mom asked me to come, but I could’ve just said no to respect his privacy.
The door opens a little to reveal Jane, looking exhausted. “I’m sorry about that, sweetie. I didn’t expect him to react like this.”
“It’s okay, I understand,” I nod. “Should I go?”
Jane shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. You can come in.”
I hesitate and my palms start to sweat. Taking small steps, I go in the room again and head toward his bed. All I see is the form of a body under the hospital covers.
“Logan? It’s me.”
The figure stiffens and the covers come off. Logan sits up and looks down into his lap, wiping his cheeks hastily. I sit on the chair beside him and keep my eyes on his hands. They are on his thighs. I want to reach out and hold his hands and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
“Logan? Are you okay?”
He looks up at me and for the first time, our eyes meet and I feel them reading through me. “Why’d you come?”
Because your mom asked me to and I care about you. “Because I care about you.”
His eyes are blank and the mischief is gone. They look so sad. He looks so freaking sad.
“Are you okay?”
He shakes his head. “No. Chemo fucking sucks.”
“I know,” is all I can say.
“No, you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to be dying.”
I can’t answer.
His shoulders start to lightly shake and he puts his face in his hands. I reach out and take his hands away from his face. He looks at me with tears going down his eyes.
“I don’t want to die, Amaryllis,” he whispers, his voice cracking.
I quickly sit beside him and grab him in the biggest hug I’ve ever given. His body shakes into my arms, and I can feel my school shirt getting wet. He wraps his arms around my waist. As he sobs, I am softly clutching onto his hair and neck.
“I don’t want to die,” he repeats over and over. I can feel his breath on my neck.
Sadly, I pull back and look into his eyes. “I’m not going to let you die, Logan. Chemo will help you and you’re going to be okay, okay?”
“’Kay,” he mumbles, unconvinced, much like a kid.
“What would I do without you?” he says. His cheeks are tear-streaked and red. His eyes are bloodshot, but I don’t think he’s ever looked more beautiful.
“I don’t know.” I kiss his cheek. He smiles and slides into the covers even more, his eyes drooping. Chemo side effects and crying at the same time must’ve made him extra tired.
“I knew you liked me,” he says, grabbing my hand. This feels right, him doing this. Our hands fit together like missing puzzle pieces. He’s asleep by now. He looks like a sleeping angel, no matter how cheesy this is.
“I think I do like you,” I say. “More than I should.”
16
All about you
Logan tries to reassure me by smiling, but he continues to tap his pen on his desk. He is nervous, I can tell. Today’s the day he will announce to the class that he has cancer. His mom and I think it is a bad idea, since it will draw the eyes to him, but he insists to do so. He’d already talked to the principal and they agreed to make Jamie, a genius, tutor him at the hospital and I am to bring him his homework and assignments.
He put a beanie over his head this morning, confiding that he found a little bit of hair on his pillow and he wanted to avoid a dramatic cartoon scene where he became bald in front of the class.
“Excuse me, class?” says Mr. Gerald, the English teacher. “Logan here wants to talk to you guys.”
The girls look up with complete attention. Logan stands up and gets in front of twenty-five students, including me. He gives them all a big smile. I notice him throwing the cue cards we worked so hard on into the trashcan.
“Hi everyone! I have something to say.” He clears his throat. “I’m not going to be coming to school anymore.”
Murmurs arise in the class and he patiently waits for them to be over.
“I have cancer,” he announces calmly.
Some gasp, but others just gape at him. I can feel my own eyes filling with tears, even though I already know all of this.
“Thank you all for everything,” he says, grinning. “You all made my small stay here better. So, thank you.” Logan looks at me and smiles wider.
I stand up and clap. Jenna and Ryan follow. The rest stands up as well, cheering for him. Logan gives a little bow and the bell rings. He is swarmed by hugs and goodbyes. After a minute or two, Mr. Gerald shakes his hand and Logan and I get out of class.
He puts his arm around my shoulder and grins. “See? I don’t know why you were so worried. It’s all good.”
“I don’t like the beanie,” I blurt out. His eyes widen and he instinctively reaches to touch his beanie.
“Why? The beanie likes you!”
Mars Page 4
