And what if she was never ready?
That very real unspoken possibility hung in the air between them.
She might never be ready to lead again.
The realization came to her like a thunderbolt in its clarity. It had been lurking around the edges of her consciousness for days. Her lapse with Drew only made her fear all the more valid. She was acting like anything but a leader—cowering in fear, behaving inappropriately, acting on her passionate instincts instead of her rational intellect.
She swallowed the shame that clogged her throat. She’d had nightmares like this in her early days as an officer, bad dreams of getting called into her superior’s office and told she wasn’t doing her job well enough, that she wasn’t hacking it and she’d better step up or step out.
Having her nightmare come true was so surreal she could hardly think what to do or say next.
“You’re looking a little pale,” Commander Mulvany said, his brow furrowed. “Do you need to sit down?”
Kylie felt cold and clammy all of a sudden. A wave of nausea hit her, and she saw spots. Without any further warning, her head began to spin, and she had the sensation of falling.
When she opened her eyes again, Commander Mulvany was hovering over her, his face a mask of concern as he talked into his phone. “She’s just opened her eyes,” he was saying. “Thomas? Can you hear me?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Lie still,” he commanded when she tried to sit up.
She was on the floor next to his desk, and she had no idea how much time had elapsed. She’d passed out occasionally over the years—a few times while getting blood drawn, and once or twice when she’d been sick with the flu. But fainting in front of her boss after he told her she was doing a lousy job?
Never happened.
She was losing it. She was really losing it.
Commander Mulvany was right to tell her to get out of here.
“She was only out for maybe a minute,” he said into the phone. And then to Kylie, he said, “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay,” she said. “I think I can get up now.”
“Yes,” he said to the phone. “I think she’s going to be all right. Yes, mmm-hmm.” He paused, listening. “Okay, thank you.”
“Really,” she said, pushing up onto her elbows. “It’s just my blood pressure is kind of low, and I can pass out easily. I can get up now.”
“I’m supposed to get you some orange juice and make you rest for a few minutes.” He grasped her elbow and steadied her as she stood, then led her over to the sofa. “You lie here, and I’ll be right back.”
Kylie lay on the stiff tweed guest sofa, feeling like an utter fool. Not only was she an incompetent leader, but she’d just played the helpless female in front of her superior officer. For a Navy officer, she’d committed an unforgivable act of weakness. Was this the kind of behavior she’d display when under pressure? It couldn’t get much worse than that.
As soon as the thought formed in her head, she felt like a shit. It could get a lot worse, if she were one of the victims of the shooting, or one of their family members. She needed to keep her ridiculous career problems in perspective. Her own problems paled in comparison to those of other people.
Soon she heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and her commander reentered the room. He knelt next to her and offered a can of orange juice.
“Drink this,” he ordered.
A glance at her boss’s tight expression told her exactly how uncomfortable he was playing impromptu nursemaid, and she felt flush all over again with the humiliation of the moment. She would never forgive her body for flaking out on her.
“Thank you,” she said after she’d taken a long drink. “I’m feeling much better already.”
“I hope you see my point now,” he said stiffly. “You need a vacation.”
She nodded, unable to choke out an affirmative response. Instead she busied her mouth with another sip while she struggled to regain her composure.
“Yes, sir,” she finally said.
“I don’t want you to come back here until—and unless—you’re ready to perform to your previous standards. Are we understood?”
Kylie nodded. “Absolutely, sir.”
And she did understand. She had one chance to change the minds of her commanding officers, to convince them she had the fortitude and qualities demanded by the Navy. And, as her body had proven, she was incapable of performing at that level until she had herself back under control. So mental demons or no, she was on vacation.
7
DREW WOKE UP with a scream caught in his throat. His eyes snapped open. He was trying to cry out, but no sound escaped his mouth. Then his brain caught up with his body and he knew he’d had another nightmare.
He glanced at the clock radio on the nightstand: 7:52 a.m.—past time to get up for PT. Except he didn’t have to get up at all today if he didn’t want to. He was officially on leave.
He was sweating, even though the room was cool. Rubbing his hand over his damp face, he tried to clear his mind of the horrific images. He’d been dreaming of Kylie at the mercy of a faceless gunman. Drew could only stand by and watch the scene unfold, unable to save her. There were variations on the dream, but inevitably, whenever he slept, he had it.
Logically he knew she could save herself. Kylie certainly wasn’t helpless in real life. But for some reason, whenever he saw that nightmare version of Caldwell burst through the door, gun pointed at her, Drew froze…and Kylie paid the price. At first he’d thought his fears were doing a number on him. What if Buckley hadn’t distracted Caldwell before he pulled the trigger on Kylie? What if Drew had missed when he leaped at Caldwell? What if Caldwell had gotten control of the gun instead of Drew?
But ever since that night after the bar, he’d wondered if the dreams were a sign that he’d had a thing for her long before he realized. And wasn’t that just a load of psychological mumbo jumbo. Man, he’d been seeing the shrink too long.
Still, he cursed his inability to sleep without having nightmares. He climbed out of bed, and fumbled around the bedroom getting dressed to work out. Regardless of whatever crap his mind was sorting through, he needed to be in the top physical condition for the S.E.A.L. test next month. He’d decided to take Justin’s advice and spend his leave in Hawaii where he’d add swimming and diving to his regimen.
He downed some water before heading out into the cool morning, then tried to take out his frustrations on the pavement outside.
Running was like meditation for Drew. The rhythmic pounding and breathing put him in a zone where he didn’t have to think about anything.
An hour later, he was drenched in sweat and his muscles were tight and hot. Exactly where his body needed to be. Too bad his brain hadn’t read the memo about running as meditation. He’d failed to get Kylie off his mind for more than a few minutes at a time. He pushed himself hard through alternating sets of push-ups and sit-ups, then showered and dressed for the day.
By the time he was tying his shoes, he’d made up his mind about what he was going to do. He was going to Kylie’s house to tell her she’d be a fool not to explore the feelings that had sparked between them.
He believed in following his heart, and if his heart was crazy, then so be it. Thoughts of her had haunted him, proving that it wasn’t the alcohol or the grief that instigated the sex. He had to follow this thing between them, see where it took them and worry about the consequences later. He’d learned from losing his sister and now his colleagues, that life was too short not to go for things he wanted most.
Whatever there was between them, it was powerful, and it deserved to be explored. He wasn’t going to settle for less than that.
Also, he had to admit, he was worried about her. The ones who exercised as much discipline and control as Kylie never had the coping skills when life tossed shit their way. She was so close to the edge anything could send her over. It was times like these that friends had to look out for one anoth
er. Their unit didn’t need a suicide on top of the tragedy that had already occurred.
He drove to her condo, where he’d been once before for a holiday mixer, and was relieved to see her car sitting out front. He parked, got out and went to her door to ring the bell.
When she answered the door, she seemed startled to see him, but quickly recovered. She looked a little less haggard than she had yesterday at work when she’d seemed on the verge of passing out in their staff meeting. Her skin was still pale, and there were dark circles under her eyes that showed evidence of tears.
Drew felt bad for waiting until this morning to come here. He should have come last night. The truth was, he’d wanted to give her space before launching his let’s-hit-the-sheets-again campaign.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. As soon as the words left his mouth he knew how dense they sounded. The more accurate question was, what wasn’t wrong?
She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. “What are you doing here?”
“I was worried about you. And rightfully so, given how awful you look.” Oops, definitely not the right thing to say.
“Thanks,” she deadpanned. Even so, she stepped back and allowed him in. She didn’t invite him beyond the foyer, however, so he leaned against the closed door.
“I mean, I suspect you feel like I do—like you need to get as far from San Diego as you can. I want you to come to Hawaii with me.”
Damn it, why had he blurted that out so fast? He’d meant to build up to it, to make a case and show her why she needed to listen to him. Instead, he’d set himself up for more rejection. No way in hell would she be receptive to heading off to the middle of the Pacific with him when it was presented so bluntly. He wasn’t even sure he would, either.
“Okay,” she said, and he almost didn’t hear her.
“What?” He blinked.
“Okay, I’ll go.” She looked so scared and vulnerable for a moment, he almost didn’t recognize her.
“You’ll go to Hawaii with me?” he repeated dumbly.
She nodded, and relief flooded his chest. She was going to do it. She’d be with him and he’d have the opportunity, away from San Diego and her Naval responsibilities, to persuade her to give him—give them—a chance. And if they had something as good as he suspected, then they would have time to work out the logistics of how to be together.
“But…” She seemed to be working something out in her head. “You’re going there to train before you take the S.E.A.L. test, right?”
“Right.”
“I have a favor to ask, then,” she said tentatively.
“Sure, whatever you want.”
“I want to train with you.”
“You want to train with me?”
“Yes. I know I can’t become a S.E.A.L., but I’d like to prove to myself that I can at least keep up with the physical rigors. For personal reasons,” she added, looking a little embarrassed.
Drew’s first instinct was to protest. He’d already been training for so long, there was no way she could just jump in and keep up with him. She’d slow him down, hold him back, at the very time when he needed to be pushing himself the hardest.
Seeming to read his mind, she said, “I won’t slow you down. You can think of me as your trainer, if you want. I’ll make sure you’re being pushed. Anytime I see that I can’t keep up, I’ll be your coach rather than your partner.”
Which was exactly what he needed right now, he thought, without saying it aloud.
And what Kylie needed right now was to feel as though she had power over her life. She wasn’t saying so, but he suspected that was at the root of her request to train with him. He could certainly see the appeal of feeling strong and powerful at a time such as this—and of having something all-consuming to throw herself into, so she could forget.
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s do it.”
“One other thing,” she added, looking uncomfortable now. “I would prefer to keep the fact that we’re traveling together private. I don’t think either of us would benefit from our coworkers knowing about this….”
When she trailed off, Drew knew she was hoping he’d jump in and agree right away. And ordinarily, he would have. He was in the military. He knew what was at stake. But his wounded pride held him back. His reticence made no sense. She was only being practical, yet he hated being something she felt she had to hide.
Still, he knew he was.
Finally, he said, “Okay, sure. My lips are sealed.”
“I suppose there’s always a chance people will find out anyway. If that happens, we’ll just have to handle it as best we can—”
“How would anyone find out if we don’t tell them?”
She shrugged. “The Navy’s a small world. We could bump into someone we know while we’re in Hawaii, or on the way to the airport or in the airport…”
“True,” he said. “It’s not likely, though.”
As much as he wanted to assert his position, force her to get over her worries, he recognized that as his superior, she was the one who was taking the much greater risk in vacationing with him. He was being way too hard on her by sulking about it. She hadn’t gotten to her position in the Navy by being foolhardy or fraternizing with her subordinates.
“Thank you,” she said. She looked away for a moment before meeting his gaze. “I think this trip will really help me.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
“When do we leave?”
Not soon enough. “Tomorrow morning,” he said, deciding to not push his luck by expressing his real thoughts. He’d have her undivided attention soon enough once they were away from here.
“How are you doing?” she asked. “You look more rested than I feel.”
“I’ve been sleeping, but I have nightmares,” he said, then realized his error. He didn’t want to tell her his feeble attempts to save her tormented him in every single one.
“About the shooting?”
“Yes,” he said vaguely.
“Guess that’s normal. The therapist told me they should get better, happening less often eventually. Give it enough time. Who knows? Maybe the change of scenery will make them stop.”
Drew nodded. He made a move to leave.
“Just one more thing,” she said. “I’m going on this trip with the expectation we will move forward as friends and colleagues, not—”
“Not lovers,” he said.
“Right.”
“I don’t see why we can’t,” he lied.
In truth, Drew could think of more than a few reasons why they couldn’t be just friends. But there was no point in arguing with her now, when he’d finally gotten her to agree to go away with him.
Kylie crossed her arms over her chest, a gesture that emphasized her vulnerable femininity and made his cock stir in his pants. He didn’t want to start thinking sexually about her now, so he forced his gaze not to drop to her soft, round breasts encased in the blue cotton shirt. Breasts that were suddenly familiar and obvious to him now that he knew what lay beneath her shirt.
Instead he studied her expression, which had the same hint of vulnerability he’d sensed a moment ago.
Was this Lieutenant Commander Thomas, standing so stiffly before him, really the same woman he’d made love to so passionately? It seemed almost impossible based on the way she’d behaved before. Before the shooting, when he’d spared a thought to Kylie, she’d seemed more a caricature—the career-driven ice queen—than a real woman. He’d been a fool to assume she was so simple.
He admired the delicate lines of her neck leading up to her strawberry-blond hair. The slightest wisp of a curl had escaped her bun, and it took all his willpower not to reach out and touch it.
As if she sensed his thoughts, her posture and expression changed, and suddenly there was nothing even remotely vulnerable about her.
“Good,” she said. “If you e-mail me your travel itinerary, I’ll be able to make my arrangements to coincide with yours.”
D
rew nodded, marveling at how quickly she’d changed. This official Kylie, the businesslike, no-nonsense one, did a fine job of ridding him of his erection. He straightened and reached for the door. “I’ll do that right now,” he said and headed for his car.
In the driver’s seat, he took a deep breath and sighed. With all of her conditions, his campaign looked grim. Some vacation this would be if she had her way. What had he agreed to? A month of blue balls?
Still, mixed with his trepidation he felt excited when he considered what their time in Hawaii could be like. Warm tropical days, hot tropical nights and an even hotter woman…it could be the most erotic experience of his life. Or it could be hell. If she held out on him for an entire month, not only would his libido be out of control, but also his S.E.A.L. training would be shot to hell.
Funny how Drew had never had trouble getting his way with women, but Kylie was a different story. She had an iron will that came with years of being a military leader. And he couldn’t presume his charms would work on her the way they did on other women.
No, he couldn’t presume. But he could hope.
What really mattered was that she’d be with him. They’d be away from the Navy’s influence, away from the rules that governed their lives—especially hers. With that kind of freedom and his persuasion, the island might work its magic on her, loosen her up. At the very least they’d have the chance they needed to explore the potential between them.
He had to be flexible in his approach to Kylie while maintaining the same determination he brought to his training. And like his dream of becoming a S.E.A.L., he wasn’t giving up on Kylie without a fight.
8
KYLIE COLLAPSED on her best friend Sonya’s couch. After Drew had left with her promise to accompany him, it was as if something had shifted for Kylie. None of her defense mechanisms worked anymore. There was nowhere she could hide from herself. Instead of feeling weak, however, she was liberated. She’d finally been able to admit she was terrified of sleeping alone. She was exhausted, having endured too many nights of little or no sleep.
Being here in the pleasant surroundings of Sonya’s Pottery Barn-addicted apartment, with its splashes of intense color and warm atmosphere, seemed like visiting an alien planet after the past two weeks of insanity. Kylie had known Sonya since their years together at the Naval Academy, where they’d become instant best friends. Instead of sticking with the military as Kylie had, Sonya had put in her minimum commitment and gotten the hell out, as she’d put it, to attend law school as a civilian.
Seducing A S.E.A.L. Page 6
