“Beautiful night,” she said, trying not to sound sad.
“Beautiful girl,” Drew murmured, watching her. “It’s nice to see you looking carefree.”
Thank God he’d misinterpreted her expression. He hadn’t been as worried by Admiral Dunmead’s admonishment as Kylie was. Drew thought that the admiral deferring her reprimand to her commander was a sign of how lenient the Navy would be with her so there wasn’t any real reason to let the episode ruin their vacation.
If only Kylie could be so genuinely carefree.
He took her hand in his and led her along the walkway toward the beach. They passed other couples taking advantage of the romantic setting, and soon they came to the edge of the beach and an empty bench.
“Let’s sit,” he said. “Rest your feet.”
She sat and he tugged her feet into his lap. When he took off her shoes and began massaging her left foot, she moaned gratefully.
“Oh God, that feels good. Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
She smiled. “Is this the part where I discover you’re really a robot lover and not an actual human guy?”
“If I were a robot lover, I’d be a terrible swimmer, I’m pretty sure.”
“Good point. Nonetheless, sometimes you seem too good to be true.”
He looked at her seriously then. “You seem so much more happy and relaxed than you did in San Diego.”
“Yeah, I guess this trip accomplished what it was supposed to, huh?”
“For both of us.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life,” Kylie said. “Both mentally and physically.”
“Mentally, too? Really?”
She nodded. “I think so.”
“That’s great. I was afraid you’d let the admiral get to you too much.”
She shrugged. She was about to clarify that her improved mental state had taken a serious hit from the admiral, but she didn’t want to ruin Drew’s vacation, too. “No, it’s okay. I agree with you—there’s no use worrying about the consequences now.”
“Good. The rest of the world can wait for us.”
“Yeah. I’m not letting it dominate my every thought,” she said, then realized she’d gone too far and had started sounding as though she was trying to convince herself of her own words.
Drew cast an odd look at her, but said nothing.
“I’ve loved being here with you…” Her voice trailed off again. God, now she was sounding as though she was saying goodbye.
Why couldn’t this go on forever? She’d been avoiding thinking about how it would feel to leave Drew. It was going to hurt like hell, no way around it.
She didn’t want to go back to San Diego.
Since that night on the yacht and Drew’s outburst she’d felt a shift in her feelings for Drew. His comments about her past and behavior toward him had opened her eyes to how much more she wanted from…from herself. That shift terrified her. She was getting too attached.
“Hey,” Drew said, catching her mood change. “It’s going to be okay, you know. We’ll have each other to get through the repercussions, just like we do now. Whatever happens, I’ll stand by you in whatever way you need me to.”
She couldn’t look at him so faced the ocean. Moonlight reflected on the waves, and she tried to keep all emotion from her face. They wouldn’t have each other. And she was too lacking in courage to admit to him that she couldn’t continue their relationship. She needed to steer this conversation in safer directions.
“I still feel like I can never trust the universe the way I used to. Like any minute now, it could all fall apart.” The shooting was much safer.
“That’s one of the hardest things about life, that there aren’t any guarantees. But that doesn’t mean we can’t relax and enjoy ourselves as best we can.”
“I guess,” she said.
“I haven’t had any nightmares in two weeks,” Drew said.
“You know, whenever I went to bed I’d feel the weight of those deaths on my chest. I couldn’t sleep. The weight was unbearable. Soon as I got to Hawaii, the weight went away.”
“Maybe none of it will come back.”
“Whatever happens, this trip has been good for me. More than I can even say. Thanks for inviting me.”
She didn’t want to veer into smarmy territory, but he deserved to know that she hadn’t completely sacrificed this time for her career.
“I’m glad it’s helped you.” He smiled then. “And I’m hoping this foot massage has helped enough to keep you dancing with me a little longer tonight.”
“My feet feel about a million times better. Thank you.”
She slipped on her shoes and let him lead her back toward the nightclub. As they neared, the music and din of people got louder. Once inside, they had to squeeze close together to maneuver through the crowd.
They found their way to the edge of the dance floor, and they were about to start dancing when several people started yelling nearby. Angry voices rose above the music. Drew looked over to see what was going on, and people began to scramble out of the way.
A fight had broken out near the bar. Two men, one of them the drunken one who’d bumped into Kylie earlier, were pushing each other and hurling insults, while onlookers seemed more interested in watching than intervening.
Kylie looked around for a bouncer, but there wasn’t one in sight. Then she saw that several men were distracting the bouncer at the front entrance. They must be friends with the brawling men. She muttered a curse.
Someone screamed, and when she glanced around, she saw that one guy had drawn a gun and was pointing it at the drunken man. She felt a cold bolt of terror shoot through her.
Not this.
Not again.
She grabbed Drew’s arm.
“Get out of here!” he yelled, pushing her toward the door. “Go for cover.”
But she couldn’t leave him behind. She couldn’t live with herself if anything happened to him. In her mind she saw Campbell shooting at her coworker, turning the gun on Drew, on herself…
No.
Courage would not abandon her again. She knew what to do.
Chaos had erupted, and the man fired a warning shot. It hit the floor. The drunk hurled himself toward the shooter, trying to grab the gun. They fell to the ground, grappling and throwing punches.
Kylie saw the gun slide free and, without thinking, she dove for it. Drew, seeing what she was doing, threw himself at the men and pinned them while she got her hands on the weapon.
A moment later, she had it firmly in her grasp, and Drew was holding one of the men while the bouncer, who’d finally gotten into the room, restrained the other.
She felt tears welling. It was over. In a matter of seconds, her life had flashed before her eyes, along with Drew’s, along with everyone else’s that she’d seen die in her office that day.
But this time it was different. She watched as the two men were dragged out of the bar, and four police officers entered and took over. One of them relieved her of the gun, another started asking her questions. She answered as best as she could, concentrating to keep the two incidents separate in her mind.
She kept looking around for Drew, wanting reassurance over and over that he was safe. And he was.
He was safe.
Later, after the scene had calmed down and the police had finished taking reports, after she and Drew had walked home in stunned silence, there weren’t any words.
Kylie only knew that she felt a relief like no other she’d experienced. A relief like rain after a long draught. She felt as if something about their fates had changed, that they’d gone from being the ones who had no control to being the ones who could turn the tide.
She’d trained to defend, and this time she hadn’t let her training down. She might never again have complete confidence in her ability to perform in a crisis, but she’d proven that she could, when called upon, react appropriately in an emergency.
She could save someone after all.
/>
She never questioned or considered resisting what started happening once they were back in her hotel room. Drew stripped off her clothes, then his own. He turned on a lamp beside the bed, and he covered his body with hers as they lay down together.
He kissed her with overwhelming emotion. Maybe it was her imagination, but she didn’t think so.
He ran his hands up and down her torso, over her breasts and her neck and her face and her hair, down her hips and over her thighs and calves. He cupped her bottom in his hands and pulled her to his mouth, plunging his tongue into her, teasing her most sensitive spots. He did it all hungrily, as if he’d never been with her before, as if he was proving to himself that he could really have her.
Kylie grasped at the sheets and gasped at the delicious sensations between her legs as he licked her. As she neared climax, her every coherent thought vanished. She rocked her hips in time with his tongue. When he finally plunged his fingers into her, she climaxed, crying out at the blinding pleasure.
Her inner muscles contracting, she writhed against him until the orgasm passed. She pulled him up to her, kissing him as he entered her, then burying her face in his shoulder so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes.
She didn’t want this to end, but there was no place for them to go. And if she stuck around any longer, she’d never be able to leave.
17
KYLIE AWOKE to the familiar feel of a warm body next to hers. Before she could snuggle into Drew again she got the horrible sinking feeling that she had to leave. Now. In the middle of the night. Like a coward.
But if she lingered until morning, she wasn’t sure she’d have the courage to go. She couldn’t face him right now and explain that she didn’t have the balls or whatever it took to pursue a relationship, given their circumstances. Let him think the worst about her—that she’d again chosen her career over a man, that she’d never been fully engaged with him. Whatever it took for him to forget her.
Not that she’d be forgetting him anytime soon.
She muttered a silent curse that she was again buckling to external pressure. The carefree woman she’d been in Drew’s company couldn’t withstand the scrutiny of Admiral Dunmead and the Navy. One harsh glance from a senior officer and she was once again a new recruit desperate for approval.
However wonderful she felt in Drew’s arms, she still felt ashamed. Around him, she was, quite simply, a reckless fool. She was supposed to be the more mature one of the two of them, the one with more wisdom, experience and self-control. She had none of those qualities. She wasn’t brave enough to defy the Navy and embrace a possible future with Drew. So, by default, the Navy won—they got to keep her.
When she looked at his sleeping face, so perfectly handsome and kind, the air of strength and courage that surrounded him all the time apparent even now, she knew he deserved better. He deserved to live his life with someone who would put him first. She had too much baggage to be capable of that sacrifice so she needed to leave him before she did something really stupid, like fall in love.
Like fall in love.
Oh dear God. The moment she let the words cross her mind, she knew it had already happened. That feeling that had struck her their first night together…she’d hung around long enough for it to take root and grow.
She’d provided it with sunshine and nutrients and water, and it had blossomed into something that couldn’t live.
Her heart thudded double time. There was no doubt. She was in love with Drew, and she had no one but herself to blame for the pain their breakup would cause.
Outside the window, the sun was cresting the horizon, casting a slight glow on the morning sky. With no idea where she would go or what she would do, Kylie eased herself out of the bed, quietly dressed and gathered her belongings into her bag. She cast frequent nervous glances at Drew, but he slept on in oblivion.
When she was ready to go, she paused at the door, and her stomach bucked at the idea of walking out this way. Drew would never abandon her without saying goodbye. But she couldn’t face the anger or disappointment in his eyes, or hear his arguments for why she should stay.
There wasn’t anything for her to say in her defense. She had to salvage her career because she knew who she was serving—her country. Anything else was too big for her to handle. He might not be happy with her decision, but he would understand.
But she couldn’t go without even leaving a note. She glanced at the desk across the room, with its hotel stationery and pen. Then she crept silently over to it and began writing.
I’m sorry I can’t stay anymore. I hope you can understand. Good luck. You’ll make a great S.E.A.L.
Ugh. It was lame, and awful, but better than nothing. She folded it in half, tiptoed to her pillow and placed the note on it.
Then she went back to the door and eased it open silently. Blinking away the dampness in her eyes she stepped into the empty hallway alone.
“DAMN IT! Answer your phone, Kylie. I’m going to keep calling until you do!”
Drew hung up his cell phone, threw it on the bed and muttered another curse, this one to himself. He’d dialed Kylie six times today, but each time he’d only gotten her voice mail. Ever since he’d woken to find her missing from the hotel room with nothing but a vague, pointless note left behind, he’d been angry, shocked and bewildered.
But the longer he went without talking to her on the phone, the more he was forced to face the fact that she’d simply done what she’d been itching to do from the start—run away from him. History repeated itself. That didn’t make the reality sting any less.
He paced across the room outside to the balcony. Suddenly Hawaii seemed like a dreary place, in spite of the beautiful scenery and sunshine. Having her disappear out of the blue, just when he’d been sure they’d really connected, made him itch to blow out of paradise.
Damn it, Kylie. Damn it, damn it, damn it.
He should have known. She’d never wanted a relationship with him. She’d made that clear from the start.
Well, sort of clear. She’d wanted him for sex, but she hadn’t wanted the accompanying emotions.
He should have known a thirty-four-year-old woman who’d never been in love before was a woman to be avoided with a twenty-foot pole.
Spotting the note she’d left that morning, he crumpled it in his hand, then threw it into the garbage. He had so much pent-up rage, he hardly knew what to do with himself. He’d channeled as much of it as he could into working out earlier, but still he seethed. He wasn’t going to feel any relief until he talked to Kylie.
He grabbed the phone from the bed. This time, he dialed her home phone rather than her cell. She had to be back home by now, and if he was lucky, she wouldn’t have caller ID.
After four rings, she answered.
“How dare you leave me here with nothing but a note,” he said by way of greeting.
Silence on the other end of the line.
He hadn’t considered how best to keep her on the phone.
“If you hang up on me, I won’t stop calling. You have to talk to me sooner or later. You owe me that.”
She sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“How do you think it felt to wake up and find you gone?” he said, his voice thick with emotion.
“I—I couldn’t face you. I knew you’d talk me out of leaving. And I had to leave.”
“No, you didn’t. You just did what was most convenient for you and your goddamn career.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? You used me to distract yourself, and when you were done, you wanted out as easily as possible.”
She didn’t respond.
Maybe he’d touched a nerve. Rather than backing off, he said, “So much for your flawless character. Turns out you’re just as big a coward as you feared you were, huh?”
He knew he was hitting her where it hurt most now, and he had no intention of letting up—until he heard her crying.
Almost immediately, his an
ger drained, and he fell silent as he listened to her sob and sniffle. Cruel as it was, it felt good to know she was in pain, too. He didn’t want to believe she could simply walk away from him and feel nothing.
But finally, she spoke, her voice remarkably free of emotion. “I am very sorry I’ve hurt you. I understand your need to lash out right now, but please know I want the best for you, and that is why I left.”
She sounded like Lieutenant Commander Thomas again, not the woman he’d known as his lover. Calm, cold and stiff, he pictured her in her freshly starched uniform, her hair restrained in a bun.
“Oh, really? Your actions were totally selfless?” Sarcasm oozed from his tone.
“Of course not. No one’s are. But I did consider you in making my decision. I’m not the right woman for you, Drew. You and I both know that.”
“Don’t tell me what I know. You don’t get to order me around in my personal life the way you do at work.”
“You’re right, but much as you may not want to admit it,” she said coolly, “the Navy dictates a lot about our personal lives. You know it’s part of the reason we can’t be together.”
Drew bit his lip. He wanted to yell at her, to rail and rage and throw the phone out the window, but he felt as if he wasn’t even talking to the same woman he’d fallen for. This other Kylie he barely recognized. She was the straitlaced boss he hadn’t even given a second thought.
He imagined her more passionate side being held hostage inside her stiff facade, and his anger dissipated. If this is how she had to be to survive, if she was too afraid or fragile to be the vibrant, passionate woman he cared about, then truly, all he could do was feel sorry for her. Because this other version of her…it was no way to live.
Was she going to spend her whole life trying to be perfect—or this warped version of it—in order to get other people’s approval?
If so, then yeah, she’d done him a favor by walking away.
“I feel sorry for you,” he said, then hung up the phone.
18
DREW’S WORDS ECHOED in Kylie’s head all night. She’d tried her best to forget their final conversation, but she’d never had anyone slap her in the face with a statement of pity before.
Seducing A S.E.A.L. Page 14
