All in for You

by David Horne

  “I’m glad I got the money to be able to do things like this. It would have been a shame to miss all the fun.” The gondola glided over the smooth water of the fake canals the casino had built inside of it. Toby turned to watch the painted shop fronts around them.

  “I’m told it’s pretty authentic,” Pete commented in the background. He was happy to be the witness to the writer’s awe. “But much prettier because it’s always perfectly clean.”

  “I don’t know how I could describe this on paper. It just feels so unreal. Just slight reminders that you’re not outside on the canals of Venice.”

  “You’re going to have a chance to soon.”

  “Maybe, I don’t know if it’s going to come into the book or not.”

  “You will. This is just too amazing not to share with the rest of the world.” Pete grinned. “You’ll write about it someday. Maybe not right away, but it’ll come up.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t even know how anyone would think of doing something like this. Putting the canals of Venice inside a building.”

  “I’m pretty sure it’s idealized.”

  “Still, this is just insane.”

  “These places are huge. There are museums and shops inside of them on multiple levels. Restaurants. Anything you can think of. It could take days to fully explore a single casino.”

  “That sounds insane.”

  “I know.” Pete nodded. “It’s just too much to explain. There’s so much here.”

  “It’s all about tourism.”

  “Yeah, drawing people in.”

  “It’s got some allure to it.” Pete kept his response calm, even when his heart was beating faster. This was a romantic moment and they were too awkward to acknowledge it.

  That was evident when their eyes met and the conversation fell silent. The gondola driver didn’t speak. He stayed in the background. It helped the man disappear so the pair could be the only two people in existence. The sounds of the people around them faded away. The sounds of the water seemed to grow distant.

  The professional gambler felt his breath catch in his throat. This was a moment. One of those moments that he had heard described a hundred times but never felt. This was a moment of two hearts beating in unison. His hand inched closer to Toby’s, wrapping around the other man’s fingers, twining themselves into them. He could feel his heartbeat in the tips of his fingers and wondered if Toby could feel it too.

  They shifted closer. Lips met. The kiss was electric again, mindboggling, and felt a little insane. He felt like he was losing it.

  In the background, Pete was vaguely aware that the gondola driver was smiling a little. He was happy for them. But Pete knew it was only because the man couldn’t understand his inner turmoil at what was happening.

  As the kiss separated, they found themselves taking in the sight of the other person there. Toby was smiling. The man seemed happy. There wasn’t much to say, but there was so much that needed to be said. He didn’t have the words. Maybe the words didn’t exist yet. Maybe it was because he wasn’t a writer.

  Toby was staring at him, his lips starting to move as if he were about to speak, but no words came out. Nothing was said.

  “What is it?” Pete felt how soft and unsure his voice had become in the light of the moment. It felt strange. He rarely found himself in a position where he couldn’t at least fake the confidence that he needed in that situation.

  “I- I don’t know.” Toby shook his head. “I don’t know what it means.”

  “What does it mean?”

  “I don’t know. I need to know what it means to you. I need to know that I’m not crazy.”

  “What makes you think you’re crazy?”

  “Because most of the time you don’t seem to have any interest in me. There’s so much doubt. I never know what you’re thinking or feeling.”

  “I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore.” Pete brushed his hair back from his forehead with his palm, feeling the frustration wash over him.

  “I feel like that too.” Toby’s voice was just as quiet.

  “It’s not a nice feeling.”

  “No.”

  With that, the silence started to fall between them again. Pete found that he wanted another kiss. He wanted to draw Toby into his arms. And the feeling started to get unnaturally strong. It was a tugging in his gut that pulled him toward the man who was sitting with him. Romance drawing the pair closer, even if the romance wasn’t intended for either of them.

  The gondola ride ended and they both climbed out of the small boat.

  Toby glanced over at the man with him. The awkwardness stretched. “What now?”

  “I don’t know. Did you want to do anything?”

  “I heard there were a lot of things here. I was hoping to see more of it.”

  “All right. Let’s go see more.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, there’s a good bit that’s not open at night, but we can see what is and then push back our plane tickets to spend a couple of days sightseeing.”

  “That would be good.” Toby nodded. “I would like that.”

  “What about the rest of the idea?”

  “Let’s go see some more of the strip and you can decide what we want to do tomorrow. And we can call the airline and push back our flights.” Pete’s heart thudded. A few more precious days to figure out what they’re doing. That’s what the money they had won had given them. It was the ability to play around that they had gained, short freedom from the necessities, and making sure that things happened properly.

  The rest of the night went smoothly. They chatted calmly and eventually the aftermath of the kiss seemed to fade away, at least until it was time to make their way back to the room that they shared.

  At the door, another moment happened. A caught glance. A brush of a hand. Everything that seemed so ordinary most of the time now seemed to explode with expectations and desires. They wanted each other. Breath lingered in the air. There was so much more than they could expect, so much more that could have happened. So much more heat that would flow between them.

  They didn’t make it very far into the room before the glances became gazes, staring into each other’s eyes. His heart sped up, beating fast. He could hear it pounding in his ears. There was just so much going on that he couldn’t make himself stop thinking about it all. The possibilities raced through his mind. Where could this go? What could come of moments like this if he let that happen?

  Toby moved closer, taking a step up within the breath of Pete. The moment was there. A decision needed to be made.

  He knew what decision he was going to make. The whole thing felt like a daze. The professional gambler reached out to the man standing with him. Toby was pulled in, his body close and hot. It was almost too hot to bear. Their bodies pulled and struggled. Breathing was heavy and labored. It was hard to catch and even harder to hold like the world came crashing down around them as they stumbled toward the couch in the hotel room. There would be no time to go to the bed. They wouldn’t make it. They had to remain in contact. They had to touch. They had to feel. The heat was inescapable. Not that he wanted to escape it.

  He had this need to let himself be drawn in, breathless they rolled together, pushing their bodies together as they made out like hungry teenagers on the couch. There was too much. They couldn’t stop. It was an impossible wave that struggled to be controlled, not that he wanted to control it.

  This felt right. The way their bodies pushed together, fighting to get closer. Clothes got tossed to the side, the process was rough and choppy, they didn’t want to separate long enough to lose the clothes. There was far too much to be felt right then. “Are you sure?” Pete was breathless.

  “Y-yeah.”

  “I want you.” Pete’s words were a soft moan.

  Toby’s hands played over the newly revealed skin of Pete’s chest. The writer’s breath was heavy and ragged. They needed each other. They wanted to touch and feel each other. There was a
need that they couldn’t deny. There was no way to make this roller coaster stop now that it had started. They were going to have to ride it out in all of its glory until it was all over.

  It didn’t seem like either of them wanted it to end. The pure animal attraction was too great, pushed past the point of no return. And both of them were happy to be there.

  The moans and grunts accompanied the bodies that were pushed together, groins grinding together with a rough need.

  They didn’t bother moving from that spot. No getting up to get anything else. They both needed to finish. The race was underway, the rush to feel the release that they had both cultivated over their days in close contact. And now they were almost as close as they could be, Toby’s body was throwing off heat that had almost come to an unbearable level.

  But he could bear it. Pete knew that he would bear it. He would bear it and love every single second of it.

  The bodies writhed, pushing together, fighting for more of the touch. They were as close as they could be without getting up to get the lube, two bodies touching. They didn’t have any in the room. Going to get that meant that the two would have to separate. And it was clear that neither of them wanted that.

  Toby rolled to on top of the card player.

  Pete felt his breath catch in his chest as he looked up at the other man. “What is it?”

  “I want you so bad right now.” Toby groaned heavily, still grinding himself against the man below.

  Pete moaned in return. “Y-yeah. Gods. Do we even have the stuff?”

  “Uh…” Toby’s eyes rolled back as he spasmed. The man was getting close. “No. Not yet.”

  “We’ll have to get some.” Pete’s hands wandered all over the other man. The feel of the flesh under his fingers was intoxicating. “But not yet. God, I’m so close.”

  “Me too.” Toby’s lips were hot against his skin. They were playing over his neck.

  Pete shivered, letting the touch wash over him, push him over the edge.

  Toby grunted when Pete started to release from the sheer pleasure of the grinding together. They were both going over that edge. The thought of sticky messes would have to wait. This was heaven. They were together and it was perfection at the moment, a place where only they existed.

  It took several minutes for either of them to be able to speak again. They lay there, hearts slowing down to manageable levels. Breathing started to regulate. It still felt like it was in unison.

  Toby looked down at Pete with a soft smile on his face. “You all right?”

  “Yeah, perfect.” Pete nodded.

  “Perfect is a strong word.”

  “I’ll probably regret it later.”

  The writer’s face fell.

  Pete knew that he had made a mistake. He should never have said that. It was a mistake. Things here were still so tender, so easy to tear to pieces. And he had helped it on the path to destruction.

  He sighed, letting the man pull away from him. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s not fine. It’s not fine at all.”

  “What’s wrong now?”

  Pete sighed and pushed his hair back out of his face. “I screwed up and said the wrong thing and I don’t know how to fix it. It seems so impossible. Thinking about what to say around you. I get so awkward.” The words seemed to tumble out, playing with his tongue, going crazy, and just falling out for the world to examine. Not the world. He was putting it all out there for Toby to examine. The card player had no idea how what he had to say would land. He didn’t know if anything that he had to say would even work.

  But there he was. He was trying. And his heart skipped as he waited for some kind of response.

  Chapter Ten

  Toby blinked and stared at the man he was sharing a room with. “I… I really don’t know what to say.” There had been so much pain that they had shared, so many struggles. But he still felt as if he didn’t know about this man.

  “I know. I’m a screw-up.” Pete was still apologizing. The man felt the need to keep saying those words.

  Toby understood that feeling, feeling like he was always screwing up. He felt that most days of his life. He couldn’t help it. It was just his nature. He had felt like he was screwing up and misreading every single sign that the man had put off. Mixed signals. That was a part of it. The man exuded confusion and mystery. And the writer felt it.

  He knew that he would have a difficult time trying to describe this man on paper. Not that he would try. The moments that they had shared, the ones that were close enough to the heart of him were far too intimate to share with the rest of the world. He wouldn’t do it. He knew that somewhere deep down he understood it.

  This man was struggling with his inner demons. And that could take a while. It took most people a while. He knew that.

  And it meant that Pete needed the space to discover if he even wanted to be with the writer. Even if Toby knew exactly what that answer was going to be. In the end, it didn’t matter much.

  Toby got up. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry for anything. You haven’t screwed anything up.” This man, this card player, was speaking earnestly.

  “Then what’s the problem?” Toby rubbed his face. He couldn’t believe the twists and turns that this night had taken. It all still felt unreal, it should feel unreal. This entire thing was insane. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s not you. I just have trouble trusting.”

  “Why?”

  Pete sighed heavily. “I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I’ve just always struggled with getting to know people, getting too close.”

  Toby frowned. “Maybe it’s just the way you are. You don’t get too close; don’t let people in. There’s nothing wrong with being that way.” Toby knew it was the right thing to say to the man, but it hurt him to have to say it. It was like he ripped his own heart out of his chest to be able to say those words, to give the man permission to walk away.

  Pete sighed and leaned back against the couch. He sat down heavily. Toby could almost feel the weight on the gambler’s shoulders. The man just felt broken.

  But Pete had more to say. He spoke. “I’ve never had much luck trusting people. I grew up kind of distant from my parents. They were good, but they never showed much love. They took care of my needs, my education, all of that. But they hated each other. They never fought around me, but they didn’t want to be together.”

  Toby nodded. “Stayed together for the kids.”

  “That should never happen. No couple should stay together for the kids. It’s wrong. And everyone knows how miserable they are.” Pete was rambling again.

  Toby nodded along. He didn’t want to agree with what the man was saying. He didn’t want to hurt this guy. He didn’t want to see the man struggling with his self-awareness. There was just too much going on in Pete’s head. It was too much, too much of a struggle. Toby knew that he had his issues to contend with, and sometimes it just felt impossible to face the facts. Everyone in the world was broken. But it never feels like there’s anyone who understands the struggle.

  Intellectually, Toby knew all of that, but in his heart, he only felt pain. It only felt like it was the end. It was torture, but he had to listen to what the man had to say before it ended up officially over. Because the writer knew, deep down, that it was going to end and badly.

  Pete was silent now, just looking at him.

  Toby couldn’t look back. He couldn’t face the certainty of it all. He felt like he was weighed down by the possibility of what it was going to be.

  Pete didn’t stop looking. “Look, I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say.”

  “Don’t worry. I get it.” Toby shook his head. “You don’t have to say it.”

  “Oh good.” Pete breathed a sigh of relief.

  Toby felt a little insulted by how happy this man was that this conversation was happening. More than a little insulted. He was hurt by it. There was
no way that any reasonable person wouldn’t be hurt by something like that. That was what was going to happen. Toby tried to squash down the hurt. Not think about it, but it was a difficult prospect.

  Pete looked worried. “What?”

  “Nothing.” The voice was quiet and pained when the writer spoke them.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to talk about feelings. I want to. I want to tell you how I feel, how everything about you drives me crazy. How I felt from the first moment I laid eyes on you. How I knew that I shouldn’t let you get to close and then I did, and now I’m stuck with these feelings I don’t know how to handle. I should have said it.”

  Toby stopped. He had been so stuck in his self-pity he hadn’t even anticipated that the words out of the man’s mouth could be so heartfelt. He hadn’t even considered that this guy maybe felt the same way he did. Or that this man, this professional gambler, would ever take that kind of bet even if he did feel that way about another human being. It was a risk. And Toby had been certain this was a risk that Pete wasn’t ready to take yet.

  “I’m sorry.” Pete continued. “I know that I’m bad at this sort of thing. I always have been. It’s hard to get myself straight sometimes. And I hate letting emotions control me. That’s when I feel like I’m the most out of control.”

  Toby nodded this time. He felt the need to say something to this man who had just poured his heart out. But the truth was, no matter how gifted one was with words sometimes it was hard to express exactly how people felt. That he understood, but he wasn’t sure he could make anyone else understand.

  Pete waited. He sat there and looked at the man he was with and waited for him to say something.

  Toby didn’t know what to say. Words weren’t coming. He started to speak about three times, but he couldn’t even finish a single word. The only thing that came out were random noises that almost sounded like words but weren’t understandable.