by Zoey Derrick
“You’re better at it than you think. But I think this is going to take some time to settle in. I think it’s going to take some time for all of us. Yes, it’s exciting, but I am scared shitless. Not just about the twins but life in general. This really changes everything. It’s going to affect my career, regardless of what I choose to do. It’s going to affect a lot of things going forward.”
“You say that like you’re going to be doing this alone. You’re not, I’m not going anywhere and despite Kyle’s reaction, he won’t either. He just needs to let it soak in.”
“I know I’m not alone, and I’m not saying I’ll be doing it alone, but the bottom line is that this changes everything, but in a good way.”
“You’re right it does change everything, but it changes nothing about how I feel about you and it certainly shouldn’t change how Kyle feels about you.”
“I don’t think it does. I think he is positively freaked out because of the fact that he’s going to be a dad; maybe it has a lot to do with his mother, his brother and his father. Think about it, Talon. He’s on his own in this world, that’s scary. I have my mom, you have yours, Kyle has one who is alive and hates him because it’s convenient for her to do so,” I say, emotions filling me to the point of crying.
“Oh baby, don’t cry, please.”
“I don’t mean to.”
He chuckles, “I know you don’t. But he’ll be coming back in a minute. How about I take Tori and Mills into the restaurant for our food, you and him stay in the car.”
“Oh god, don’t do that. Let Mills do it.”
“No, I am capable of getting my two favorite people in the world cheesesteaks. You try talking to him. We’ll be in there for a bit, but why don’t you guys eat in the bedroom, I’ll sit with the guys.”
“Are you sure?”
He holds me close and kisses my forehead. “Of course.”
Kyle comes back and I lean into him, wrapping my hands around his arm, holding on for dear life. Kyle kisses the top of my head and my heart swells. No matter how bad he’s feeling, he doesn’t forget about me.
We arrive at the restaurant and Talon argues with Mills about getting dinner, but Talon wins the argument and Mills escorts him inside.
“I imagine social media is blowing up.”
Kyle laughs, “He grew up close to here, it might not be that bad.”
“I hope so.” I turn in my seat to look at him. “Are you feeling better?”
He snorts. “No.”
“You’re hiding it well.”
“Good.” He leans over and kisses my forehead.
“What’s freaking you out?” I ask bluntly.
“Is this really the place for this?”
I shrug. “You and I are eating in the bedroom. We’re going to talk, so we can either wait until then, or you can give me an indication so that I can figure out how to handle this with you. I don’t expect you to be all butterflies and roses when we’re done, but this, the way you are, it’s hurting me. I don’t like it, but I can’t let it go.”
“What if I asked you to tell me what’s on your mind first?”
I shrug, “If that’s what you think it will take to help you talk…” I let the thought trail off.
“I guess I just need to know whether or not we’re sharing some of the same feelings and it might make it easier for me to tell you what I’m afraid of,” he says quietly, I can tell he’s afraid that he’s alone in his fears and that is far from the truth in this situation.
“I’m scared because…” I take a deep breath, “because it’s all so fast, too fast. We’re barely beginning this journey together and now,” I can’t hold back the emotions anymore, “now we’re becoming a family. I’m terrified that you and Talon are going to realize that and bolt.” He shakes his head, sadness in his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak and I quiet him with my finger. “Please, I’ve started, don’t let me stop.” He nods his agreement. “I’m terrified that we’re testing the boundaries of our new relationship beyond what we’re ready for, what we’re capable of. That this is going to destroy whatever we have building between us. That it’s all too much for even me to handle, or process.” I wipe tears from my cheeks, “If you and Talon hadn’t been there or if I’d managed to do this on my own, finding out without you, I’m afraid I would have run away or that something is going to drive you both away from me.”
I pause, taking in the sight of Kyle’s tears in his eyes. “I’ve always wanted kids, but I’ve lived my life knowing that having them was nearly impossible and now, five weeks into all of this, here we are and I’m still scared shitless you’re going to run. You should run, you both should, and I don’t know that I would blame you if you did. We didn’t plan this, we didn’t spend days, weeks, months or even years trying for a baby, planning it, making this time an enjoyable time. Instead we didn’t try to stop it either.” I look down at my lap, fidgeting with my hands.
“I should have told you guys to wrap it back up after our first night in Phoenix, but I didn’t. I relied on too many things and every one of them failed me. I mean, hell Kyle, we never even talked about it. Neither of you asked me about birth control, we never discussed my problems, we never did anything to stop this from happening and I want to believe that we all knew the risks and we didn’t care.”
“Panda, I don’t want to interrupt you, but what do you mean everything failed you?” He asks me quietly. I can tell he’s looking at me, but I can’t look back at him.
“My PCOS, my birth control - I should have been checking for it all along. I shouldn’t have waited until that Sunday to try and pull it out. I should have stopped you both from unwrapping, then I shouldn’t have told you. I should have…”
“Don’t. Don’t say that. I’m glad we know, I’m glad we were there for you.” I finally look at him. I don’t know what else to say so I don’t say anything. He continues, “I have no doubt that at some point I will find true happiness in all this, but right now it’s hard because it’s all so new and I’m scared. I need it to sink in, but it certainly doesn’t change how I feel about you, or about where I see this relationship going.”
I wipe the tears again.
“What if they’re not mine?” he says bluntly.
“Is that really what’s bothering you?”
“It’s part of it.”
“Kyle, look at me.” He does. “It doesn’t matter to me if they’re yours or Talon’s or both. Both you and Talon have equal rights when it comes to these little ones. I will not ever deny you or Talon paternity rights. Regardless of who is the biological father. In all honesty, I don’t want to find out. I don’t want to know who they belong to because to me it doesn’t matter. If you’re honestly in this relationship wholeheartedly, it won’t matter to you either.”
“I’m afraid that if I find out they’re Talon’s that I won’t be able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. I want to be the father; I think that’s why it bothers me. I want one or both of them to be mine.”
Tears flow down my cheeks at his confession and I press my forehead against his. “I will do a paternity test if it matters to you when the time comes. I won’t hesitate to do it. But fretting over it right now is pointless. We can’t find out for months and I don’t want that between us during this time. This is a time that we should be happy. I realize the risks involved over the next several weeks, but at this point, we shouldn’t be worrying about nine months from now. I need you as my rock; I need you to love me, to love Talon, and to love these babies. Because what you’re telling me right now is that you don’t think you can love them unless they’re yours.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few heartbeats and I start to go mental. Finally he moves, reaching his arm across his body and places his hand on my pouch. “I… god, baby girl, I love you so fucking much, it hurts. It’s killing me to know that I’m hurting you and I don’t mean to. I, fuck…” his hand comes away from my belly and into his hair. He starts to cry.
I unbuckle my se
atbelt and I climb on top of him, he wraps his arms around me and cries into my neck. My heart breaks and I cry silently too.
“I love you so much it hurts, Addison. It hurts so much that it scares me. This scares me. It kills me to see you in pain because of what we’ve done to your body, what we’re doing to your body. I fear a miscarriage. I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with the twins and something will happen to them before I get to meet them.”
His speech encourages me, gives me hope I haven’t felt since this all came crashing down. “I think you’re already in love with them. I don’t think you could fear miscarriage if you didn’t already feel for them. I think that what’s happening to my body hurts you because you love me so much you want to take it all away.” I reach into my purse for the pictures. I grab the one I showed Tori. “This, these two little blips on the screen, make every ounce of pain I feel worth it. They make everything that’s going to happen to my body worth it. You and Talon loving me, makes all of this worth it. That’s how I can throw up every morning and still be okay afterward. These two little blips that will soon be babies in my arms, make it all worth it.”
He holds me tighter to him. “I do love them, I love them so much I’m scared shitless. I love you so much that I feel like I’m going to suffocate you and push you away. Every person I’ve ever loved has left me. I can’t let that happen with you.”
I run my fingers through his hair. “Kyle Black, I love you with all of my heart and every ounce of my soul. I am not going anywhere I refuse. You and Talon are who I am; you’re who I am meant to be with. I’m pregnant for a reason, not just because we didn’t have protection. I’m pregnant because I’m supposed to be, it’s meant to be. That’s what I have to believe. I’ve been told for too long that it wouldn’t happen without a great deal of medical assistance, that I would face long struggles to get pregnant and possibly face disappointment again and again. I have to believe it’s happened for a reason.”
He doesn’t say anything and I know Talon is going to be back soon. I really don’t want to be a mess when he comes back.
Finally he lifts his head and his eyes are red with tears. “I don’t understand how Talon can be so carefree about this.”
I laugh silently for a second. “I don’t think he understands the gravity of what’s ahead of him. I think it will be some time before it finally sets in, but that’s what makes you two so amazingly perfect. You’re the grounded one. Talon is the carefree one. You are my rock; he brings out my wild side. You’d rather be lying in bed with me reading pregnancy books than out partying with the guys. But I know Talon would rather be home with us too sometimes, but he goes, and frankly doesn’t put up much of a fight. You’d go if I forced you to, which I’m likely to do soon. I think you need to get drunk and let it all go for a little while. Maybe it might give you some clarity.”
“I do let it all go, you’re my alcohol, my drug, my sobriety all rolled into one, Addison. When I’m with you, everything else goes away. When I look into your eyes I forget that you’re pregnant. I forget that it hurts, I forget my fears and worries. I get lost in you.” His eyes are a brighter blue than normal. I could stare into his eyes for hours.
“I know what you mean,” I breathe. I blink, breaking our contact and he chuckles.
“See.”
“And that, Kyle Black, is how I know that all of this is meant to be. I can get lost in your eyes; I find comfort in them that I’ve never had before. I find it that much easier to love you because I can see into your soul and know that you love me as much as I love you.”
“No, baby girl, I love you more.” His hand rests on my belly, “Because there is more of you to love.”
I start to cry again. This time happy tears. We made a breakthrough and I rest my head on his shoulder, crying into his neck and he just holds me close. Rubbing my back, loving me.
Jesus, I had no idea that’s what she was feeling with all of this. It makes everything I’m feeling seem completely stupid and unnecessary. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own emotions that I haven’t stopped to consider what she might be going through.
God, the fact that she thinks she should have run away. I’ve given her that impression, I know I have. “Is it because of me that you think you should have run away?” I ask her softly as I hold her in my arms.
She pulls back, looking at me. “No, Kyle, I don’t. I think I feel that way because in all honesty I feel responsible for this, for what we’re facing.”
“No, baby girl, we all played a role in this. It’s not your fault.”
She sniffles, “Yeah, it kind of is. I should have paid more attention.”
“Panda, you couldn’t have known this would happen. After the appointment, I feel I understand better the odds that we faced.”
“It was supposed to be next to impossible,” she says quietly.
“But impossible is what we’re good at. We’ve defied the odds already. Look at how well we work as a threesome,” I tell her.
“I know, but sometimes I feel like it’s superficial. After Minneapolis and Talon getting upset, it reminded me how everything we have can be shattered so quickly.”
“No, baby girl. Not at all. You didn’t see him like I did that morning. He was so shattered that you were gone, at what he’d done. He honestly hadn’t realized what we had going until it was stripped away from us when you used your safe word. My one and only goal was to talk sense into Talon and make him see, but I didn’t have to. He already knew. I knew then that nothing else mattered if I couldn’t figure out how to keep us together. Which is why I told him then that I love him. I didn’t expect his reaction,” god, I certainly did not expect that, “but I knew that he needed to see it wasn’t just about you, that it was about the three of us.” I take a deep breath.
“I didn’t know that.” She gives me a small smile.
“That was even before all this. But no matter what, I know that those hours were the longest in my life and I will do anything I can to avoid that again in the future.”
She snuggles into me, wrapping her arms around me, hugging me tightly. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t have to, just having her close to me like this is all I need. I bury my face in her hair, breathing in her beautiful vanilla scent, knowing that she’s here, she’s real.
She’s pregnant, and I am scared to death of what the future holds. Not just with the twins in general, but with the three of us. I know I am not ready for this and I haven’t even been able to process how to get ready for this when the twins were thrown at me by the doctor. I can’t even process this, I don’t know how, or even where to begin.
A few minutes later Talon returned to the car. He and Mills put enough food in the back to feed an army and I snuggled into Kyle on the way back to the pharmacy for my prescription.
Once he was inside I turned to Talon. “How’d it go?” he asks before I can say a word.
“Really well. He’s scared, like you and I are. But I think he realized that there is more to be scared about than just being scared of the future.”
“What do you mean, angel?”
“What I mean is the fact that he wouldn’t have anything to be scared about if he didn’t love me, you, or the babies. It’s one of the same reasons I’m scared. He’s afraid of the fact that he can’t take away the pain, vomiting and everything else I’m feeling. He feels like I’m burdening it all alone.” He scowls at me, confused. “I’m not alone because I have you and him. You’re both here, you’re not pushing me away or running away from me. Not yet anyway.”
“Angel, if anything, you being pregnant has brought us closer together.”
I smile. “I know that, big man, but Kyle needed to see that, to feel that and I hope I showed it to him. It’s going to take him some time to adjust and based on what Sara told me, that adjustment isn’t going to have much time. But I want him to do something for me when we get back.”
“What’s that, angel?”
I smile, “I want him to take
a picture of me and my pouch. I want him to be able to see the chronological events, see the progress. He thinks that being pregnant is a burden and I need to show him that it’s not. You and he think differently, which is why you both work so well together. You’re my bad boy and he’s my thinker. You lift me up and make me wild and carefree, while he grounds me and keeps reality in check. It’s the perfect balance.”
“Good, I’m glad.” He kisses my forehead.
“Good, now answer me something…”
“Anything, angel.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, I do,” he says without hesitation.
“Are you in love with him?”
He smiles. “Nearly as much as I am with you.”
“Then tell him that. He needs to know, he needs to hear it and he needs to feel it. Sometimes I think that he’s thinking he’s the third wheel and he’s not.”
“No, he’s not, he’s far from it. He’s the frame that holds us all together.”
I smile. “Don’t tell me that, tell him that.” I encourage.
“I will.”
“When?” I ask.
“Tonight.”
“Good.”
We finish our brief chat just as Kyle leaves the store. He comes out with not just my prescription but two bags full of stuff.
When he gets into the car I look at him with what I am sure is a confused look and ask, “What on earth did you buy?”
He smirks, then from one of the bags he pulls out a big bottle of apple juice and I moan with delight. That’s become my favorite this last week or so. Then he pulls out a box of saltines. I giggle. Then out comes heaven on earth, a box of Lindt Chocolate Truffles, then a container of- “Oh my god!” I squeal when I see the label. Ben and Jerry’s Salted Caramel. I throw my arms around his neck. “You’re the best ever.” I kiss his cheek.
“That’s not all, but I’ll show you the last thing when we get back.”
“It isn’t condoms is it, because it’s a little late for that,” Talon teases him and Kyle and I burst out laughing. Mills and Tori join in.
