by Zoey Derrick
“I think it’s time to call him,” I breathe.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls his phone out, handing it to me. I slide to open it, click the phone and the call history. There are no calls to or from Kyle since last week. I find his number and I press the call button then the speaker button.
With each shrill of the ring, Talon flinches. Finally his generic voicemail greeting comes on. We don’t even get to hear his voice.
I feel drops of tears falling against my bump. I stroke his hair. “Give him some time.”
“It’s been two days.”
“I know. Come on, big man, we have to get going.”
“Wait…” he says, holding me in place. He lifts his head. “I miss you too, you know. I miss making love to you, I miss movies and popcorn and ice cream.”
I cup his cheek. “I miss you too. Believe me, I miss you so much, but I’m not ready. I either need him back or I need closure from him. Until I have one or the other, I don’t know if I can…”
“I understand, but please, don’t be mad at me if I try.”
I tap his nose and give him a small smile. “Never. Now let us up so I can get dressed.” He smiles at the word ‘us’, I do too. And he leans back and he catches the first glimpse from the side.
“They’re growing,” he says, “I can see it.”
“My pants are feeling it. Look.” I show him how I can’t pull them up and have them fit. They rest along the lower swell.
“Do I need to take you shopping?”
“No, not yet. This is okay, for now. I think it depends on what I’m wearing. I can’t button my jeans anymore. But if I leave them unbuttoned, I can wear them.” I give him a small smile. “I have a lot of pants that I can wear for some time before I’ll need new ones.”
He nods. “Go get ready.”
We make it to the studio on time and sit in the mixing room. We listen to the music tracks that have been mastered and the drums added to Talon’s guitar. I have to agree, it adds a little something extra to it.
My head is a bit dizzy so I sit in the chair a little crooked with my head in my hand. “Addison, are you alright?”
“Hmm, yeah.” I tell Talon.
I don’t need him worrying more. I try and rack my brain for why I could be feeling like this, but nothing is coming to me.
“You ready to give it a go?” Talon asks.
“Absolutely.”
I get up and try to catch my balance but my head is spinning so bad, the next thing I know I’m falling, Talon’s arms come around me hard and fast as I black out.
“Call nine one one,” I tell the sound guys. “Addison? Addison?” I lay her down on the floor and I vaguely hear Marc calling for an ambulance. She’s breathing, she has a pulse, I think she’s just passed out, but I can’t wake her up. “Addison? Come on angel, come back to me. Come on, Addison.” I smack her on her cheek lightly, and she doesn’t come around.
“They’re coming,” Marc tells me.
“Mills!” I shout.
“I’ll get him,” Marc says as he opens the door. “Mills!” Marc calls out.
I hear footsteps. “Shit, Talon, what happened?” Mills comes to the other side of her, shoving the chair out of the way.
“I…I don’t know. She was sitting here one minute, she didn’t look right but said she was alright, then she stood up and went over.”
“When was the last time she ate?”
I try to think, I know she ate last night. “Damn it! Last night.” God, I need Kyle so much. Fuck, he was so damn good at making sure she ate.
“I called nine one one,” Marc tells Mills.
“Okay, we’ll give them a minute, then I’m taking her. Talon?” I look at him. “Breathe buddy, let’s lay her down.” I nod and he helps me lay her on the floor. He checks her pulse. “It’s weak, but it’s there. Addison?” he says, trying to bring her around but nothing happens.
“Damn it.” A buzzer sounds.
“They’re here,” Marc says. Fuck, that was fast. Then again, maybe not.
The paramedics come in and I’m too shaken up to say anything. Thank god for Mills. “She’s six weeks pregnant with twins and she just passed out,” he tells them and they lay down a backboard and go about their work. I stand up and start pacing.
“Wha…” Oh god.
“Addison?” I try to squeeze in.
“Hey, let us do our job, okay?” the paramedic says. “Addison? Hi Addison, my name is Sam,” he says to her. “Do you know where you are?”
“Uh, the studio?”
“Okay good, do you know what day of the week it is?”
Hell, I don’t even know that. “Wednesday, I think.”
“Okay good. Listen, can you tell me how you’re feeling?” the paramedic Sam asks her.
“I’m dizzy. I was dizzy, then everything went black. Talon? Where’s?”
“I’m right here, angel,” I say with a tight throat.
“Addison, when was the last time you ate anything?”
“Last night.”
“Okay Addison, we’re going to take you to the hospital, okay? Let’s get you checked out. Are you in any pain?”
“My rib.” I watch as she tries to move to point.
Sam turns to me. “Did she hit anything?”
I shake my head, “ I caught her when she went down. I…”
“Hey it’s alright. We’re gonna take her to Bellvue.”
“I want to ride with you.”
I can see Mills shake his head. “No, we’ll drive over. Tori?”
“Yes?”
“Go get the car, please.”
“On it, I’ll pull up behind the ambulance.”
“Okay great, let’s get her on the stretcher,” Sam says to his partner.
There is some shifting and then Addison is lifted off of the floor. “Talon?” she calls and my heart breaks.
“Right here, angel.”
“Are they okay?”
I step up beside the stretcher. “We’re gonna go find out,” I tell her. “You’re gonna be alright. I’ll see you at the hospital.”
“Call him,” she says as they push the stretcher out through the security door.
“Come on, Talon, let’s go,” Mills says and I follow him out. Tori and the SUV are sitting behind the ambulance and Mills escorts me to the door that’s open and waiting for me. “We’ll follow you,” I hear him shout to someone as he closes my door.
With shaking hands I pull out my phone, flipping to the call log, I pull up his number. It rings once, twice, then dumps into voicemail.
“I don’t give a flying fuck how you think you feel about me, but she is in trouble. She is on her way to Bellvue in an ambulance.” That’s all I say and I hang up.
My phone starts to ring. I look at it. It’s Talon. I’m incapable of dealing with him, I can’t talk to him and no, it’s not the first time he’s called today. I push the button, sending it to voicemail and I down, wait what number am I on? Fuck it, I down another glass of scotch.
I walked out. I knew it the moment I did it that I’d fucked up, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve spent two days drinking, bingeing and finding numbness.
The bartender pours me another round.
I did this to myself. So why the fuck do I feel so fucking miserable?
Because you’re fucking stupid, that’s why.
You thought that leaving and being on your own would be easier than dealing with everything that’s been thrown at you.
Fuck that.
When my father was killed, that was pain like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. When Dan died, I knew I needed to make myself better, to be there for a mother who didn’t want me around. But that was all a fucking picnic compared to this. This is pure agony.
My phone chimes. Voicemail… I let it sit. I don’t think I can handle anything he has to say right now… It sits… oh, what the fuck is wrong with me? Fucking listen to the message, you idiot.
>
Picking up my phone, pressing necessary buttons to pull up my voicemail takes me a few minutes. I’m shaking and I’m so drunk my eyeballs are floating in my head.
“I don’t give a flying fuck how you think you feel about me, but she is in trouble. She is on her way to Bellvue in an ambulance.” I sober quickly.
“I don’t give a flying fuck how you think you feel about me, but she is in trouble. She is on her way to Bellvue in an ambulance.”
I play Talon’s message again, and again, and again…I’ve been playing it for the last hour….
I fucked up, I know I fucked up, I know that leaving her, leaving him, was the biggest fucking mistake of my life, but I can’t go to the hospital, not like this…
“Want another?”
I gesture with my fingers for the bartender to give me another…
It’s eleven in the morning and… wow, I’m impressed I know what time it is…
She’s in trouble, my baby girl’s in trouble, the babies, my babies, fuck!!
I slam back the scotch and stand up, throw two hundred dollars on the bar and stumble my way to the door. Once on the street, I turn left. Walking aimlessly, to where, who the fuck knows. “Hey man, want some snow?”
I stop in my tracks, turn, look at the guy and walk over to him. “Whatcha got?”
“Aww, you don’t even know me and you turn me down.”
“Dex Harris, I know you well enough to turn you down,” Raine tells me.
“Give a guy a chance, would you?”
“For you, Dex, never.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” No need to tell her that she really is breaking my heart. Fuck, she’s god damn gorgeous. I met her yesterday while at the studio, and come to find out she’s Addison’s temporary assistant. “I’ll make you change your mind.”
“You say that today, but what about tomorrow, Dex-ster when you’re done with your show and you’ve got bimbos hanging off of both arms.”
“Oh ouch, you wound me, gorgeous.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket, I pull it out. “What’s up, T-man?”
“Dex, Addison’s in the hospital.”
“Shit! What happened?”
“All the shit with Kyle, she hasn’t been eating and I’ve been shit at making sure she does. They’re keeping her overnight, giving her fluids and all that good stuff.”
“Damn man, what about the babies?”
“They’re fine from what we can tell, nothing indicates otherwise.”
‘Okay good, want us to come down?”
“No, no. Stay put, I don’t want to draw a bigger crowd. Listen, can you let the rest of the guys know? Mills, Tori and Rusty are taking shifts at the hospital, so if you go out, you’ll need to work with what you got. And…have you heard from Kyle?”
“No T-man, I’m sorry I haven’t.”
“I called him around ten, when they were taking her to the hospital, but I haven’t heard back. He wouldn’t do this to her. I’m worried that something’s happened. Or about to happen.”
“I’ll try calling him. We have a show tomorrow anyway. I’ll find out what the hell.”
“Thanks, D. Call my cell if you need me, I won’t leave her.”
“Right.”
He hangs up. “Sorry cutie, I got some business to attend to.”
“What’s going on, Dex?” she asks me.
“Uh…” Shit, does she know? Fuck. “Just some stuff with Talon, no biggy.”
“Doesn’t sound like something that’s not a big deal, Dex. What’s going on?”
Fuck…I can’t deny this woman anything. “Addison’s being kept overnight at the hospital.”
“Babies?”
“Uh, you might want to talk to them about that…Cheers,” I say and walk out of the hotel bar.
I flip through my phone, find K’s number and hit send. It rings once, twice, then finally he answers…
“Dex, I need help…”
“Did you do it?” I point to the baggie of coke on the table in front of him.
“No, I... I can’t bring myself to open it.”
“Good. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Your girl needs you.”
“I failed her.”
“You screw someone else?”
“Fuck no!”
“So you fucking got drunk.”
“For like, three fucking days. I’ve failed her so bad. She’s in the fucking hospital because of me and instead of going to her, I fucking bought coke.”
“You haven’t failed her. Not yet, you haven’t. Come on. Shower, now.” Fuck, this hotel is the shittiest of the shitty. I know he can afford better, but I get why he came here.
I go into the bathroom and start the shower. I’m going to have to fucking undress him. Ugh. “I’m going to strip you out of your clothes, fuck, do you have more clothes?”
“No.”
“Alright…”
“Take that shit off.”
I pull my phone out. “Beck.”
“Such a jack ass as always…I need your discretion and more than anything, this stays between us.”
“What do you need, Dex?”
“I’ve got K.”
“Shit, where?”
“Relax, brotha. He’s drunk, he’s been essentially homeless for three days and he bought a teenie.”
“Fuck.”
“Relax, he’s clean. He chickened out, but listen, he smells like ass, I need clothes. Can you get some and bring them?”
“Of course.”
“And, Beck?”
“Yeah?”
“You call anyone, I’ll have your balls for breakfast.”
“No one.”
“Alright…” I fill him in on where we’re at and he hangs up.
I turn around and Kyle is fucking naked as a jaybird. “Alright, let’s go.”
I drag him into the bathroom and throw him into the shower. “Oh FUCK!” he shouts. “THAT’S FUCKING COLD!”
I slap his chest. “Sober up, big man!”
There is a knock followed by three quick knocks. I stand up. “What’s wrong?” Addison says.
“Nothing, angel, Mills needs me.” I bend down and kiss her forehead. “I’ll be right outside. Go back to sleep.”
“Okay,” she says sleepily and before I clear her bed, she’s back to sleep. I open the door quietly and Tori is standing in front of it.
“What’s up?” I whisper and she steps out of my way right as the door clicks quietly closed.
“You mother fucker.” I charge at Kyle, slamming him up against the wall opposite the door. “A little late, aren’t we?”
“Come on, Talon. Fuck, I fucked up, I was fucked up.”
“Where the fuck have you been?” I’m still pinning him to the wall, it’s the only thing stopping me from punching his face in.
“I fucked up, I left, I regretted it the moment I did it but I didn’t know how to go back…I, I got wasted, was wasted when you left that fucking message. I didn’t know how to sober up, then, fuck, I knew she was in fucking trouble and the opportunity presented itself…”
“Are you fucking high right now?”
“No, god no, I bought it yes, but I chickened out. Dex fucking called me. I told him I needed help. He showed up, flushed it, threw my fucking ass in the shower so I could get here. I didn’t know what else to do, I wouldn’t show up drunk, I fucking couldn’t.”
I push on him and let him go. Then I haul off and give him one nasty ass fucking right hook. He grabs his face as Mills grabs me. “Easy, T. I know you’re pissed but this isn’t good, not for you, not for him, not for her. Back off.”
Tori assesses Kyle. “You alright?”
“Yeah, I deserved that and more.”
“If you’re gonna fucking be here, be here for her, be here to fucking stay. If you’re here because you fucking feel guilty for walking out and plan on doing it again, get the fuck out of this hospital. I won’t watch her destroy herself again. She’s fucking here because she didn�
�t eat enough. She couldn’t fucking get out of bed. She can’t fucking deal with this shit without you, without us. I can’t fucking do this without you.” Mills finally lets me go. “It never fucking occurred to me to make sure she ate more than she was. I didn’t realize until it was too late what kind of danger she was putting herself in because you fucking left her, Kyle, you fucking left me.”
“I got scared. I’m not ready for all this.”
“Do you think I am? Do you fucking think she is? Because I’m certainly not, and neither is she, but you know what she taught me while you’ve been gone? First, that she’s selfless. Everything she does is for you, for me, for those babies. Second of all, that we’re so fucking scared of the unknown that we can’t see past our own fucking noses and look at what’s coming in the long run and third, she’d fucking leave me if you didn’t come back to us. If you fucking came back to do your job, and not love her, she was gonna fucking leave me because she couldn’t take it, looking at you, knowing how much she loves you and not being able to have you, to hold you, to tell you she fucking loves you. You walked out on us. You were fucking selfish and walked out on our family, all because you think you can’t do this. Because you’re trying so hard to take it all away from her, to shoulder it for her. She loves being pregnant, despite the morning sickness, despite the pain, despite everything else, she loves it, and she loves it because we showed her that we loved it too.
“It’s Wednesday, Kyle. Today is the first day since you left that I could touch her stomach. That I could kiss our kids and that’s because I begged her to let me. She wouldn’t let me take her picture today. Said it hurt too much, it hurt because it was your damn job to do it, not mine. She made that pact with you because you were having the hardest time dealing with all this. She wanted to show you that it was alright, that it would be okay and more than anything, she wanted you to see what was happening to her. She hasn’t journaled, she hasn’t picked up her book and she’s been throwing up alone because she wouldn’t let me in bed with her. By the time I knew she was up, it was too late.
“Despite all of that, despite what’s happened, she still loves the fact that she throws up because it means that everything is healthy, or so they say. She loves the fact that her breasts hurt because it means she’s working to feed those twins. She will take everything this pregnancy has to throw at her with everything she has. She’s taught me that when they’re born and she can hold them in her arms that it will all be worth it.”
