Damon reaches for my jeans but I have to stop him. I look at the clock on the wall and realise if I don’t leave now I’m going to be late. Pushing Damon away gently, I move out of his reach.
“Damon I have to go. Tonight though, when we get back, let’s continue this.”
The smile on his face is beautiful, and that coupled with the smouldering look in his eyes, makes my heart skips a beat.
I all but sprint from the room, grabbing my bag and keys on my way as I run out the door and into my car, turning on the air conditioning to cool myself down. That man makes me lose control, makes me need things I’m not sure I can have. I need to have a day of thinking of my end game, of making decisions.
Of finally making a decision.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tom is waiting for me when I arrive at the cafe in Soho for lunch. Standing, he places a kiss on my cheek before helping me into my chair. I smile at him and realise my words to Damon have never been more true. Tom really is like family.
He’s been around for as long as I can remember, always here when I need him. With no questions asked, he always made sure I was taken care of when I was so depressed and lost that I couldn’t even take care of myself. Tom is the brother I’ve never had, never knew I wanted. His eyes sparkle as he smiles back at me.
“You look well, Els. Happy, even.” The genuine look on his face makes my throat close. I am happy. Sometimes. Well sort of. I’m still not sure what to do regarding Damon. Can I trust Damon to be who I believe him to be and not who I believed him to be? I can’t answer that honestly because I’m not sure of the truth yet.
I can’t explain any of this to him though. Tom would not be happy if he found out I’m playing the game again, but I’m not prepared to lose him. He can’t know what’s happened.
“I’m getting there Tom. We still have a few issues but I’m hoping we can get past them.” One way or another, anyway.
“About bloody time,” he says. I laugh at his words. “So Damon is treating you well?”
“Yes, he’s trying,” I answer quickly, not wanting to go into details.
I know I can trust Tom but learning to open up, after all those years of keeping my emotions on lockdown, is still hard. Tom doesn’t look convinced by my reply but he lets it go. Thank fuck.
“Oh, that reminds me. Are you free tonight? No hot date planned?” I smirk when one of his brows raise.
“Yes, I’m free. What do you have in mind?” he asks suspiciously. I roll my eyes at him.
“Not like that, Tom. I’ve told you I won’t do that again and I won’t,” I tell him. I am being truthful, I will never use Tom again. I’m not saying I won’t play games again, just that I won’t use him. He sighs.
“I know Els, sorry. Okay, so tonight?”
“Damon wants to get to know you so we’re going to go to The Hunter tonight so you can both get to know each other.” Tom doesn’t speak. He just sits there staring deeply at me. Silent moments between Tom and I have never been awkward before, but now I can’t help but squirm under his intense gaze. “Please, Tom. It would mean a lot to me if you two get to know each other.” He releases a gust of air as he considers my request.
“Damon agreed to this?”
“Yes. It was his idea.”
“Fine. You want me to come by his place?”
I’m about to answer when my phone alerts me to a message. Lifting it up, I see it’s from Damon.
Damon: I'm at The Ice Lounge with Spence. Wanna come see?
The Ice Lounge is Hunters Enterprise’s new nightclub. I haven’t seen it yet, only the plans, and I’ve been waiting to get a look at the final result.
“No, you can just meet me there. Damon just texted to see if I want to meet him at his new club.” Tom smirks.
“Doesn’t he trust us?” I ignore his comment and reply to Damon.
Yes. I will be there in a few hours, after I finishing lunch with Tom. Tonight’s a yes!
Placing my phone in my bag I focus my attention back on Tom, and realise he’s still expecting an answer.
“Tom,” I warn, then sigh. “He trusts me but not you. I’ve told him he has nothing to worry about, and that you don’t feel for me like that. I guess he’s decided getting to know you would be his best option.”
Tom lets out a bellowing laugh but it soon quiets when he notices I’m confused by his reaction. His jaw clenches and he looks like he wants to say something but he keeps it to himself.
After that we eat and chat like we do when we’re together, as if that strange reaction of Tom’s was nothing. I know it was something, but I’ll drop it for now. I need tonight to go off without a hitch.
Things with Tom are easy. They always have been. We enjoy each other’s company for a few hours before going our separate ways.
As I’m walking back to my car I spot a face I never thought I’d see again. Simon, practise ex number one. My eyes widen and my heartbeat increases. Shit, how can I be foolish enough to think I wouldn’t bump into one of them again?
He looks a mess. Not like he was when I made him my first game. There was a reason why I chose the men I wanted to play, and Simon was the first who needed to pay. He used Lydia when she was in a bad place. I didn’t take things as far with Simon as I did some of them, but far enough that I knew he’d hurt.
Speed walking to my car, I hoped to avoid his gaze. I’m not so lucky. I guess that’s karma for you.
“Ella?” his weak voice reaches me. I don’t respond, I just pick up my speed. “Ella.” He calls louder. I can hear his feet pounding against the concrete pavement behind me and my heart thumps along with his pace.
I start to panic a little. I never prepared myself for something like this happening. I just had my end game in sight all the time. My step falters because I know he’s going to reach me before I can get to the safety of my car.
“Ella, wait. Please. I just… I just want to talk.” I frown before turning to face him. He still sounds broken and hurt. I thought that knowledge would make me feel good but for some reason I feel badly.
“Simon?” I question, pretending to be unsure if it’s him. He catches up to me and smiles. He’s aged since I last saw him. He’s lost weight, and he looks physically ill. He gives me a weak smile but his eyes are filled with longing.
“Ella,” he breathes as he steps closer to me. I tense, not knowing what to do. He inhales me, taking in my scent. I step away and look around. I’m alone. The parking lot seems deserted. Fuck.
“Simon, I need to go. I have somewhere to be,” I say, hoping for a quick getaway.
“I love you. I can’t stop loving you. Whatever I did wrong to make you leave I can make right, Ella. I promise I can. Just give me a chance,” he pleads.
“Simon, I,” I don’t even know what to say to him. “It wasn’t you, it was me. I was in a bad place. It wouldn’t work.” How fucking cliché does that sound? Jesus Christ.
“It would. I can be everything you need. I can, I promise.” He sounds desperate.
“I can’t, Simon. I’m sorry. I need to go. It was good seeing you.” I skirt around him, trying to leave. His hand clamps around my arm, squeezing slightly. I wince as his grip tightens and I try to release myself from his hold. He barks out a laugh at me.
“You fucking ruined me, Ella. I haven’t been able to move on from you. I can’t get over you. The least you could do is let me fuck you.” He pulls me closer to him and pure fear filters into my blood stream.
I never saw this side of Simon. His breath smells like alcohol and makes me want to puke. I need to get away.
I do the only think I can think of and bring my knee to his groin with as much force as I can. I hear the wind get knocked out of his lungs and he bends to grasp his nuts, wailing out in pain. I turn and run to my car. I don’t wait around. I pull out of the parking lot like the hounds of hell are on my tail, and speed away. I need to get to Damon.
****
I’ve been walking around The Ice Lounge for the
last fifteen minutes whilst Damon and Spence are in their office making final arrangements for the launch party coming up in the next few weeks. I can’t focus on their words because I have too much going on in my head as I keep thinking about what happened earlier with Simon.
I never meant to feel this bad for what I’ve done to those men. They all deserved to be taken down, but seeing Simon has shaken me to the core.
I’m angry at myself for what I’ve done. I’m even more enraged for feeling bad, and I’m angry at Damon. I know it’s not his fault but deep inside my head, where I still believe I’ve got it wrong, that Damon isn’t a monster, I battle with myself.
If I got it wrong then this is all for nothing and the last three years would have been for nothing.
I’ve seen who Damon really is now, haven’t I? He is a monster. He just knows how to play a better game but I’ve learnt from my mistakes.
Seeing Simon has me second guessing everything. I can’t let that happen.
I shake my head and continue on with my tour. The Ice Lounge is stunning. Crystal chandeliers droop from the ceiling, one above every booth. The bar appears to be a big block of ice, but is actually frosted glass. Everything seems to be ice but isn’t. The lighting reflects and shines as it hits spots just right, causing an enchanting look.
I walk to the VIP area which has cream marble flooring with thin veins of gold running through it. The furniture is done in cream and gold, making everything look regal.
I continue on through the staff only door and make my way to Damon and Spencer in the office.
They are in deep discussion about opening night. I lost interest in the conversation when I arrived and decided to walk around and explore alone. Images of Simon plague my mind, making me want to regroup. I don't want to be here. I feel like I'm an outsider looking in. I’m a fraud. I have no right to be here.
If I hadn’t let feelings get involved this wouldn’t even be an issue, but I do have feelings for Damon, and as much as I keep pushing them back I can no longer deny it. I’ve let myself trust him. I'm so fucking stupid. Didn’t Lydia's diary teach me anything?
I can't trust men like Damon Fucking Hunt.
Can I?
I walk in the open office door and over to plonk down on the sofa next to Damon. He pauses to give me a brief kiss on the temple, making me want to scream, before fixing his attention back on Spencer. He touches me with such affection. It’s easy to believe he wants me, but can I be sure it’s real? No I can’t.
My head is in shambles and being here is making me feel worse.
Damon softly rubs my thigh with his palm, squeezing every so often. I begin squirming at his touch and flames of heat begin warming me up inside. How can his touch still affect me?
I can feel fury building inside of me as Damon's hand rests on my leg near my apex. I look down at it, wanting his touch away from me, wanting to be anywhere but here right now. I can't think when he’s touching me, and my stupid pregnancy hormones make me swoon at the slightest touch. My leg already feels in flames.
I move my hand to his, intending to subtly push it away, but he grips it, interlocking our fingers so that I can't pull it away. Damon turns his head to look at me, but I can't face him so I turn my head away. I feel ashamed at what I have done to Simon, at how my actions destroyed him. I'm now doing the same to Damon and his family. Spencer is still talking but stops when he realises he no longer has Damon's attention. His gaze follows Damon's and now they are both looking at me. I can't take anymore so I stand up, pulling myself free from Damon‘s grasp.
“I need to go to the ladies,” I announce. Grabbing my bag, I walk into the adjoining bathroom. The normal toilets are not quite finished, but the ones in here are done. Instead of going to the toilet though I head to the sink, running the cold tap. I wet a paper towel and hold it to my face, cooling down my heated skin. I get another paper towel and start washing away all the makeup that I applied this morning.
My face is now completely bare – young, fresh. Staring at my reflection I struggle to see who I really am. My normally bright green eyes stare back at me, looking dull. My skin looks pale, my hair dry and limp.
I am a fraction of the woman I was when I met Damon. He is slowly killing me just like he killed my sister. Or am I doing this to myself? I look as bad as Simon, so am I as broken as he?
That thought hits me like a freight train. My legs feel heavy so I sink to the floor. I feel battered and I don’t know if I can play this game anymore. I don’t know if I can survive continuing the game, but I have to for my baby. My hand runs across my stomach as I think about my little jellybean, growing stronger every day. It's my last chance at happiness.
If I could only figure out how I feel it would make this so much easier. Every time I feel like I make a decision, my world comes crashing down around me. I was ready to give this life a chance, one where I could be happy, one that could have even been filled with love. I don't know how to trust Damon now, and I sure as fuck can't trust my own judgement at the minute.
I need to collect myself.
Standing straight, I pick up my bag, rummaging through for my foundation. I attempt to apply my makeup again, but I just can't do it. I just want to be the real me. I throw the stuff back in my bag. I have to get out of here. I can't stay here when I feel like this.
I feel so vulnerable, open, wounded. I’m messed up. I want to get him, to rip him apart the way he has me. I want his life to mean nothing. I want him to be irrelevant, but he’s not. I want his kiss, his touch, his baby.
I want our life.
I want his love.
I want it to be real.
For months I have been fighting this battle. I thought I was winning, but the baby has changed things. The kiss with Leona changed things again and now Simon has changed things even more. I have no idea what to do.
What to believe.
I have to get out of here. I need to go home and to try and make sense of everything that’s happening in my life. Maybe I can pack a few things without Damon realising and go back to my house for a few days.
No, that won’t work. It will have to be a hotel somewhere he can't find me. Somewhere I can think without him changing my mind. Pushing open the office toilet door, I find Damon outside leaning against the wall, waiting for me.
“Are you okay?” he asks when he takes in my bare face. I'm standing rooted to the spot, not sure what to do. I’m like a deer caught in the headlights. He steps towards me and I instinctively step forward as my body responds to his, wanting his touch. He reaches out his hand and takes mine, pulling my body flush against him.
“Beauty, what's wrong? You’ve not been the same since you got here. You’ve been quiet since your lunch with Tom. Did you argue?” I shake my head no. At the soft tone of his voice I feel tears prickling behind my eyes. My pulse is pounding at his gentle touch. My heart is racing with the whirlwind of emotions I’m feeling. They’ve hit me like a tsunami with his single touch.
I can’t have this. I need to get my head sorted.
Pressing my palms to his chest I give a little shove. I need to get away, I need space. Everything that is Damon is drowning me. My lungs feel like they can't get enough air. Turning on my heel, I start to walk away from him, and he calls out my name but I can't look back. I head to the door but before I can leave I feel his hand on my arm, spinning me in his direction.
“Beauty....” I look up and his eyes are filled with concern and worry. His hand comes up to my face to wipe away a tear that has fallen. I feel like my heart is breaking. I just need to see the monster in him. I need to know I’m right. Simon won’t leave my mind. I need to get away.
“Please Damon, I can't do this here, please let me go.” My final words come out as a sob, and I feel Damon pull me to him. I don’t move, staying wrapped in his embrace. I know I need to keep him at a distance so I can try and think again, but I just want to draw from his strength.
“What the fuck has happened baby?” He says a
gainst my head. “Tell me so I can fix it beauty.” The hate I’m feeling for myself, the disgust, comes out as rage. I have been holding it inside and it needs out. I lash out at him. I push out of his arms and get in his face. I can make him show the demon inside.
“I can't be fucking fixed Damon. I don’t need you.” I spit. I’m seething, full of rage as I take a step towards him. “YOU, did this... YOU and that fucking whore. You let her kiss you,” I scream. I watch him recoil like I have slapped him but I can't stop. “What am I supposed to do Damon? Forget it happened?” I spit. I move so I'm standing directly in front of him, “I can't Damon. When I look at you, I see her. I see her all over you.” His head drops down and his chin rests on his chest.
The kiss isn’t a problem. I’m pissed at myself, Damon, and Simon. I need someone to take my rage out on and Damon is an easy target. I spit words so I can hurt him like I’m hurting.
He doesn’t move. He doesn’t try to touch me. I grip his chin and lift so his eyes meet mine, “What would have happened if I had got back ten minutes later Damon? What would I have found then? Leona sitting on your cock while you fuck her?”
Damon shakes his head his eyes pleading, “No beauty, you wouldn't have. I couldn't do that to you, to us. I love you Ella. Don't you get that? Don't you see what you mean to me?” I shake my head.
“No Damon, I don't. I don't see an us anymore. All I see is her, and I don't trust that you love me enough to let her go.” With that I turn and walk away from him. I need to be alone. I walk out of the club and head to my car.
****
I make it back to Damon’s in record time. I’m shaken up from the earlier encounter with Simon, and my emotions regarding Damon and who he really is. It was a close call with Simon. I could smell the stench of alcohol on his breath, could smell it seeping out his pores.
I head straight to the shower, needing to get his touch off me. I feel dirty and ashamed. I wish I could wash away my shame but I know I can’t. I’m going to have to live with my choices for the rest of my life.
Warped (The Manipulation Trilogy Book 2) Page 7
