I swallow, and feel my heart pounding. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to accept anything past losing Lydia. I shut myself down. I didn’t feel remorse, I didn’t feel bad, I feel joy. I just didn’t feel.
Now standing here, my heart sinking to my stomach, I know I need this.
To accept.
To forget.
To move on.
To live. Pops would want me to live. I take a breath and convince my feet to move forward. I find Pops’ grave quickly, not ever forgetting where my daddy is. My throat constricts when I see his grave is clean. Shining, happy, alive.
Bright coloured flowers burst with fragrance, beautiful and stunningly placed in Pops’ flower holder. The marble headstone shines, showing signs of being regularly cleaned. White decorative stones around the headstone gleam in the sunlight.
Someone comes here, and they clean and bring gifts. Warmth fills my heart. Pops wasn’t alone, he still had love. Has love rather. These flowers are fresh, someone cares. They love him.
I want that.
I want to be loved. Pops loved me and I need that again. I may think I’m strong but I’m not. I blocked everything so I didn’t have to accept being alone, accept a future with no one.
Tears fill my eyes as I fall down to my knees at his headstone. I reach out and run my hands over the writing.
Best Love. Best Friend. Best Daddy.
He really was all three of them. I wish I had his guidance. I need him so much. I feel lost, like I’m drowning, and like I’m choking on each and every single breath I take in as I let everything hit me.
“I’m sorry daddy. I’ve been bad,” I say, as tears fall silently down my cheeks.
“I can’t do this alone. I can’t take this pain anymore. Why am I so unlovable? Why can’t they just love me and want me forever? You all leave, and I’m left broken with each memory left behind.” My heart tears, pain gripping me. What did I ever do to deserve this life?
“Why did you leave me daddy? I need you. I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough. I’m not you.” I stop when my sobs take my breath. My forehead rests against the marble. “What did I do to deserve all this pain, Pops? I’m sorry. For whatever it is I did that was so wrong. I just... I just need to be loved.”
Nothing.
Just silence. Silence can sometimes be louder than noise. I want to hear his voice. I want his warmth and love. “Please Pops, please let him want me. He’s a good man. I realise that now,” I whisper. “I want to keep him.”
I let my head hang. I’ve lost him, I know I have. Damon didn’t love me enough. I shouldn’t have believed he did.
“I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll be who I was, who I am. I went down the wrong path but I’m correcting it now. I want happiness again. Please daddy, help me,” I beg, quickly, as if he can really help me.
Pain like I’ve never felt before hits me straight in my chest, making it hard to breathe. I lost my way but I never will again. I’ve learnt my lesson, I lost Damon. My hand drops to my belly, gently rubbing my small bump.
“I’m sorry jellybean. I’ve not been a good person but I promise you, I’ll be the best mummy. I’ll love you with all I am. Do you hear me Pops? I promise,” I cry. “Just let me live peacefully now. I’ve taken all the pain I can. I can’t take any more. It’s too much.”
I fall to the damp earth, and roll into a ball, tucking my legs to my chest and hugging them tight. I let pain consume me. “I’m not strong enough, I’ve never been strong. I’ve been hiding, pretending. I don’t want that, I want what I had. I want a life filled with love.”
Unconditional love.
I cry where I lay, letting the pain surround me, letting my grief take over. I’ll never experience it again. I had one shot at getting love like I had from Pops and I lost it. I pushed him away.
“I did everything wrong Pops. I completely lost myself.” My heart pounds as I finally accept my mistakes. I let everything pour from me. I tell him all my sins, all my mistakes. I let him judge me, let him know what I became when they left.
****
“I’ve met the best man, Pops.” I say hours later. I confessed all my sins then stayed here in silence, just accepting my life. “You would have liked him, he’s good people. Damon is good, but I ruined it. I’ve lost him, I’ve lost everything,” I say weakly.
I’m lying on the ground next to Pops’ resting place. I’ve cried myself dry. My throat hurts as I tell Pops my life. Rain falls from the darkening skies. I lay here and let my pain wash away. I’m broken. There is nothing left in me, of me.
“God, I wish you were here, daddy,” I whisper. “You would have kept me good. Why did you have to go too soon? I wasn’t ready to lose you. You were taken before I was ready to give you up. Lydia chose to leave me. Damon doesn’t want me,” I say feebly.
“How much pain is one person meant to be able to survive? I don’t feel like I’m surviving right now, daddy.”
I won’t be alone if I get to keep jellybean. I might be unloved, unlovable, but I’ll love my baby with all of me. I’ll give my all, just let me love. I can handle not being loved. I just need someone to give my love to.
Loneliness is a horrible, dark, desperate place deep inside that causes physical pain. I get lost in the emotion, overwhelmed and overtaken with deep blackness. It’s scary and lonely. I don’t want this life anymore.
“I want happiness,” I say, as silent tears begin to fall again. “It’s my turn to be happy. I’ve paid for any crimes I’ve committed. I want to keep happiness, not just have a glimpse of it, only to lose it. I’ve been living my life day by day, I want a future. I want to look forward to it. I want to be me, who I should have always been. I want dreams again, daddy.”
I became two people. I became someone I’m not. I left myself behind.
Some rise by sin. Others by virtue fall.
Pops used to say that, and it’s never rung more true with me. The bad in me rose, and I let the real me fall. “I’m sorry, Pops.”
I think I was wrong about everything I believed about Lydia and Damon. I don’t think things were how Lydia said they were. I think it didn’t mean as much to Damon as it did Lydia. He hurt her without knowing he was doing it.
I blamed Damon and now I don’t believe there should be any blame. Lydia chose to take her life, Damon didn’t make her, and he isn’t at fault for my losses. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my quest for revenge, things I shouldn’t have done. I wish I could block them away, like I did my emotions. I wish I could take it back.
I want to forget it all, live like yesterday never happened, and live for myself. I’ve been living like tomorrow doesn’t exist, just focused on one objective, taking Damon down. I don’t want that now. I just want him.
I lost him.
It’s my fault.
Mistakes make us human, failure makes us stronger. My mistake was never failing, it made me weak.
I’m weak without love.
The loneliest place in the world is the human heart when love is absent.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
DAMON
I pound on Tom’s door. Ella needs to be back, she has to be. Tom pulls the door open with a scowl on his face.
“I was coming. You didn’t need to keep banging,” he growls. Any other time I would laugh at his agitation but I need to find Ella.
“Is she back?” I push past him, walking in to check all the rooms. I might respect Tom now, hell I may even like him, but I don’t trust him. Not if it was going against Ella’s wishes.
“She’s not back yet, Damon,” Tom says with patience. He doesn’t follow, he just shuts the door and walks to the kitchen.
“Ella,” I call. I search every room but she’s really not here. Worry eats away at me. Where the fuck is she? I came here first and she wasn’t here. I can’t fucking find her. Tom said to give her time. Fuck that. I’ve taken too much time already.
I stomp my way to the kitchen where Tom is sitting calmly at the table. I grit
my teeth. How the fuck can he be so calm when Ella is out there alone somewhere?
“Where the fuck is she Tom?” I growl, losing what little patience I had. I just want Ella safe in my arms.
“She’ll come back Damon. She just needs to get her head together. She’s facing a lot. Dealing with shame–”
“I can help her deal, Tom. She needs me. Where the fuck would she go?”
The front door opens before he has chance to reply. I turn and quickly walk to the hallway to Ella, but it’s not her, it’s Lacy. She stops short when she sees me, and her eyes widen.
“Have you seen Ella?” I bark.
“No. I’m sorry.” She looks at me with pity. I don’t need her fucking pity. It’s taken me a long fucking time to see Ella needs me. I thought it was best to let her live without me, keeping her safe from the beast inside me.
I was fucking wrong.
We need each other.
“Where the fuck would she be Tom?” I ask, as I renter the kitchen. I hate that she’s out there all a-fucking-lone. I can’t deal with that. She’s hurt, she’s pregnant, and she’s vulnerable.
“I don’t know Damon,” he replies quietly.
I lean against the counter and hang my head. Where the fuck is she?
“She can’t be far. We can help you look Damon,” Lacy says in a timid voice.
I grind my teeth. I know she’s trying to help but I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t fucking looked everywhere. I’ve searched every. Fucking. Where. I take a deep breath.
“I’ve looked everywhere, Lacy,” I say as calm as I can.
“Have you looked everywhere in town?” Tom asks.
“Yes. Spence, Wes, and Sofia are all out there, still searching. What if she’s made a rash decision and left? What if she doesn’t come back? I fucking let her down,” I say, defeated. This is my fault. “Where would she go Tom?”
He’s my last hope. It fucking kills me that he knows her better than me. I know everything there is to know about Ella on paper, I’ve even read everything there is to know about Tom too, but I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I only know what Ella lets me see.
“I... I don’t know Damon,” he pauses and shakes his head slightly. He won’t make eye contact with me. “Els keeps herself private, she holds herself back. I... fuck Damon, you’re worrying me.” He finally looks at me, determination written on his face. “We’ll find her. She can’t have gone far.”
I nod, drawing on his strength, having to believe him. I can’t even think about the other alternative.
My phone rings in my pocket. I pull it out and check the caller ID. Spencer. I put him on speaker so Tom and Lacy can listen in too.
“Anything Spence?” I don’t waste time. I need to know if he’s found her.
“Nothing,” he sighs. “Wes and Sofe are here too. Damon, I’ve got you on speaker. What do you want to do?”
“What do you fucking think? We keep looking Spence. I need to find her,” I growl. “I fucking need her. I love her man.” I tell him like it’s only us two listening.
“I know you do bro.” He stays quiet for a minute, giving me time to get myself under control. He knows me well, he knows I’m about to lose my shit. “Does Tom know where she would go?”
“I’m trying to think... I mean, she never really had many friends. She didn’t really build connections with people,” Tom answers.
“She doesn’t have a special place she goes when she’s sad?” Sofia asks softly.
“No... she used to but... I don’t... she hasn’t been there in years–”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s been years. She might not have needed her safe place in years,” Sofia says cutting him off. I can hear hope in her voice and it’s making me impatient.
“It’s close enough... she could be but... I don’t–” This time I cut him off.
“Where?”
“It’s a long shot. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.” I stalk over to him, grip his shirt in a fist, and pull him to his feet.
“Where?” I shake him. He straightens himself, standing to full height, looking straight at me, staring me down. I’m ready to explode.
“Damon,” Spencer tries to soothe.
“Tell me fucking where,” I demand, not taking my eyes off of him.
“Her dad’s grave.” I release him and start to gather my phone.
“Where is it?” Spencer demands. Tom tells us as I grab my phone and start to walk out. Of course she’ll go there. She feels totally alone.
“Damon, if she’s not there... just don’t get your–” I don’t hear him finish as the door slams behind me.
I run to my car. I need to get to my beauty. I need to hold her.
“Go get your woman, Damon,” Spencer’s voice calls from my phone in my hand. I completely forgot he was still connected.
“I am, Spence. I will.”
****
I pull my car in behind Ella’s, breathing a sigh of relief. She’s here. I turn off the engine and slump back in my seat. My beauty will be in my arms soon.
This is a big moment. I’m going in to her special space, going to her only home. Her pops. My chest pounds. Fuck, I’m nervous. I wipe my palms on my trousers then climb from the car, rain instantly soaking my clothes.
It’s been raining for about twenty minutes, and small puddles have formed on the ground. As I walk into the church grounds and around to the rear, the bottom of my trousers becomes wet. The wind has picked up and I realise Ella must be freezing.
I pick up my pace, needing to get to her. I need to know she’s okay, that she’s safe. I stop and look around, trying to find her. I locate her quickly. She’s just a wet lump on the ground, motionless. My heart picks up. Holy shit, she could be hurt.
Adrenalin pumps in my blood. I run to her, and fall to the ground at her side.
Fuck.
Please let her be okay. I can’t lose her.
“Ella?” I gather the wet hair from her face and move it so I can check she’s breathing. Her eyes flutter as rain hits her eyelids. “Fuck, baby. Shit.” I pull her to me, her body fucking limp.
“I’ve got you beauty.” She’s wet and muddy, her body shivering from the cold. Fucking hell. “Come on baby, speak to me.” Ella’s eyes flutter, a frown creasing her beautiful face. She struggles to open her eyes and focus on me. “I’ve got you.”
Her green eyes are faded, red rimmed and dull. Pain storms in her eyes but they’re lifeless. She’s broken. I’ve never seen her looking so vulnerable. She’s completely lost in pain.
I hug her to me, hoping to help warm her up. I need to get her out of here, out the fucking rain. I try to move, to get her to my car, but her hand comes up and grips my shirt. I look at her as her dead eyes widen.
Ella focuses on me, hope lighting up in her eyes. She swallows and attempts to speak. Her voice is raspy and I can’t understand what she’s trying to say. She sounds so weak.
“Shhh, it’s okay beauty. I’ve got you. Let’s get you somewhere warm.” I stand, pulling Ella up with me.
“Why are you here Damon?” she asks in a small voice.
“Come on Ella, we can talk in the car.” I look at her, placing my hands on her hips.
She steps back from me but keeps her hold on my shirt. She holds onto me until she’s steady then lets go, and looks me in the eyes.
“Why are you here Damon?” she asks, her voice getting stronger.
Fuck. As if she doesn’t know how I feel about her. I’ve done that. I’ve broken her trust again and again and now she doesn’t believe I love her. I fucking live her. Breathe her.
“I love you, beauty. I fucking love you so much it hurts.” I tell her the truth. She brings so many emotions out in me. She always has, ever since the first time I saw her. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, or give you a chance to speak. I’m sorry I left you when you told me you are pregnant with our child. You needed me and I let you down.”
“Why now?”
&nb
sp; “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry baby. I should have come for you long before now.” I pull her close to me but she resists, she keeping her body taut. Her beautiful forest green eyes shine with defiance.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I thought it best to keep you away from me. I don’t deserve you beauty. I never fucking have. You’re too good for me.” Her eyes glimmer as tears begin to fall down her pale cheeks. I cup her face. Her skin is cold to the touch. She’s freezing.
She’s also stubborn. I know her enough to know that I need to say this here. She won’t let me get her to warmth until she hears this.
“I fucking love you, Ella. I’m selfish enough to want to keep you but I thought keeping you would only suck the life out of you, but I see it now, baby. I see it.” I look deep in her stunning eyes, begging her to listen to me, to know I mean every word. “We need each other. You’re the beauty to my beast. You take away the monster in me.”
I swallow. She’s my other half, my connecting piece, the piece that completes me. She’s fucking mine and I need her to know that. I need her to believe me.
“I need you, beauty. I can’t fucking survive another day without you.” My jaw clenches. If she’s ever believed anything I’ve said I want it to be what I’m saying. “Ella, I’m not strong enough to stay away anymore and I don’t think you are either.”
Her hand drops to her stomach and she squeezes her eyes shut. I know what she’s thinking, and I know why she doubts me.
“I want you and our baby, beauty. I’m so fucking sorry for how I reacted. I was a prick and it took me a while to see that, but it was never you. It was never fucking you, Ella. I didn’t know that. I blamed you when there was nothing to blame.” She struggles in my arms, trying to pull away. “This isn’t a bad thing but it took me time to see that, baby. I want our baby. Any part of you I will love. I was just scared Ella.”
I let that sink in, giving her time to understand, hoping she understands.
Rain drizzles, mixing with her tears when it hits her face. She’s soaking wet. Her eyes blink rapidly, trying to stop the rain blocking her vision.
Warped (The Manipulation Trilogy Book 2) Page 15
