by Mary Hays
The trials of my mind, I foreboded, were about to commence, I shrunkfrom the world I had been so willing to enter, for the rude storms ofwhich I had been little fitted by the fostering tenderness of my earlyguardians. Those ardent feelings and lively expectations, with all theglowing landscapes which my mind had sketched of the varied pleasuresof society, while in a measure secluded from its enjoyments, graduallymelted into one deep, undistinguished shade. That sanguine ardour oftemper, which had hitherto appeared the predominant feature of mycharacter, now gave place to despondency. I wept, I suffered my tearsto flow unrestrained: the solemnity of the late events had seized myspirits, and the approaching change filled me with solicitude. Iwandered over the scenes of my past pleasures, and recalled to myremembrance, with a sad and tender luxury, a thousand little incidents,that derived all their importance from the impossibility of theirrenewal. I gazed on every object, _for the last time_--What is there inthese words that awakens our fanaticisms? I could have done homage tothese inanimate, and, till now, uninteresting objects; merely because Ishould _see them no more_.
How fantastic and how capricious are these sentiments! Ought I, orought I not, to blush while I acknowledge them? My young friends, also,from whom I was about to separate myself!--how various might be ourdestinies, and how unconscious were we of the future! Happy ignorance,that by bringing the evils of life in succession, gradually inures us totheir endurance.
'Had I beheld the sum of ills, which one By one, I have endured--my heart had broke.'
CHAPTER XII
The hour at length came, when, harrassed in body and in mind, I set outfor Morton Park. I travelled alone, and reached the end of my journey atclose of day. I entreated Mr Morton, who hastened to hand me from thecarriage, and welcome my arrival, that I might be permitted to retireto my apartment, pleading fatigue, and wishing to wave the ceremony ofan introduction to the family till the next morning. My request wasobligingly granted, and a servant ordered to attend me to my chamber.
Many years had elapsed since I had seen this family, and my judgmentwas then so immature, that our meeting at the breakfast table had witheach of us, I believe, the force of a first impression. You know my_fanaticism_ on these occasions. I will attempt an imperfect sketch ofthe groupe, assembled in the saloon, to whom I was severally presentedon my entrance, by the lord of the domain. Mr Morton, himself, to whomprecedence is due, seemed to be about fifty years of age, was of themiddle stature, his features regular, and his countenance placid: hespoke but little, but that little was always mild and often judicious.He appeared not to be void of benevolent affections, and had thecharacter of a humane landlord, but his virtues were, in a greatmeasure, sunk in an habitual indolence of temper; he would sometimessacrifice his principles to his repose, though never to his interest.His lady--no, I will not describe her; her character will, it may be,unfold itself to you in future--Suffice it to say, that her personwas gross, her voice loud and discordant, and her features rugged:she affected an air of openness and pleasantry; It may be prejudiced,perhaps she did not _affect it_. Sarah Morton, the eldest of thedaughters, was about my age, she was under the middle height, fair,plump, loquacious; there was a childish levity in her accent andmanners, which impressed strangers with an unfavourable opinion of herunderstanding, but it was an acquired manner, for she was shrewd andsensible. Ann, the second daughter was a little lively brunette, withsharp features and sparkling black eyes; volatile, giddy, vain andthoughtless, but good humoured and pretty. The other children were muchyounger.
Two gentlemen joined us at our repast, visitors at Morton park. MrFrancis, the elder, was in his fortieth year, his figure slender anddelicate, his eye piercing, and his manner impressive. It occurred tome, that I had somewhere seen him before, and, after a few minutesrecollection, I recognized in him a gentleman who had occasionallyvisited at my father's, and whom I have already mentioned as theantagonist of the man of fashion, whose sentiments and volubilityexcited my youthful astonishment and indignation. Mr Montague theyounger, the son of a medical gentleman residing in a neighbouringcounty, seemed about one and twenty, tall, elegantly formed, full offire and vivacity, with imperious manners, an impetuous temper, andstubborn prejudices.
The introduction of a stranger generally throws some kind of restraintover a company; a break is made in their usual topics and associations,till the disposition and habits of the intruder have, in some degree,unfolded themselves. Mrs Morton took upon herself to entertain; sheexhibited her talents on various subjects, with apparent self-approbation,till a few keen remarks from Mr Francis arrested the torrent of hereloquence. The young ladies scrutinized me with attention; even thelively Ann, while she minutely observed me, ceased to court play fromMr Montague, who attended to me with the air, and addressed me in thelanguage of gallantry. I sometimes caught the penetrating eye of MrFrancis, and his glance seemed to search the soul.
After breakfast, Mr Morton having retired to his dressing-room, and theyounger part of the company strolling into the pleasure grounds, whitherI declined accompanying them, I took an opportunity, being ever desirousof active and useful employment, of offering my assistance to Mrs Morton,in the education of her younger children; proposing to instruct themin the rudiments either of music, drawing, French, or any otheraccomplishment, for which my own education had capacitated me. MrFrancis remained standing in a window, his back towards us, with a bookin his hand, on which he seemed intent.
'If,' replied Mrs Morton, 'it is your wish, Miss Courtney, to procurethe situation of governess in any gentleman's family, and it iscertainly a very laudable desire in a young woman of your _smallfortune_, Mr Morton will, I have no doubt, have it in his powerto recommend you: but in the education of my family, I desire nointerference; it is an important task, and I have my peculiar notionson the subject: their expectations are not great, and your _elegant_accomplishments might unfit them for their future, probable, stations.'
The manner in which this speech was uttered spoke yet more forcibly thanthe words.--I felt my cheeks glow.
'I was not asking favours, Madam, I was only desirous of being useful.'
'It is a pity, then, that your discernment had not corrected yourvanity.'
The housekeeper entering, to consult her mistress on some domesticoccasion, Mrs Morton quitted the room. Mr Francis closed his book,turned round, and gazed earnestly in my face: before sufficientlymortified, his observation, which I felt at this moment oppressive, didnot relieve me. I attempted to escape, but, seizing my hand, he detainedme by a kind of gentle violence.
'And why this confusion, my dear Miss Courtney; do you blush for havingacted with propriety and spirit?' I burst into tears--I could not helpit--'How weak is this, how unworthy of the good sense you have justmanifested.'
'I confess it, but I feel myself, at this moment, a poor, a friendless,an unprotected being.'
'What prejudices! poverty is neither criminal, nor disgraceful; youwill not want friends, while you continue to deserve them; and as forprotection,' (and he smiled) 'I had not expected from Emma Courtney'sspirited letter to Mr Morton, and equally proper retort to his lady'simpertinence, so plaintive, so feminine a complaint.--You have talents,cultivate them, and learn to rest on your own powers.'
'I thank you for your reproof, and solicit your future lessons.'
'Can you bear the truth?'
'Try me.'
'Have you not cherished a false pride?'
It is too true, thought I, and I sighed.
'How shall I cure this foible?'
'By self-examination, by resolution, and perseverance.'
'Be to me instead of a conscience.'
'What, then, is become of your own?'
'Prejudice, I doubt, has blinded and warped it.'
'I suspect so; but you have energy and candor, and are not, I hope, of atemper to despond.'
The return of the family terminated this singular conversation.The young ladies rallied me, on being found _tete-a-tete_ with thephilosopher; Mr Montague, I t
hought looked displeased. I stole out;while the party were dressing for dinner, and rambled into the gardens,which were extensive, and laid out with taste.
CHAPTER XIII
I judged my visit here would not be very long. I scarcely knew whether Iwas most inclined to like or to fear Mr Francis, but I determined, ifpossible, to cultivate his friendship. I interrogated myself again andagain--From whence this restlessness, this languor, this disgust, withall I hear and see?--Why do I feel wayward, querulous, fastidious? MrMorton's family had no hearts; they appeared to want a _sense_, thatpreyed incessantly on mine; I could not love them, and my heart pantedto expand its sensations.
Sarah and Ann became jealous of me, and of each other; the haughty, yetsusceptible, Montague addressed each in turn, with a homage equallyfervent for the moment, and equally transient. This young man was bold,ardent, romantic, and enterprizing, but blown about by every gust ofpassion, he appeared each succeeding moment a different character: witha glowing and rapid imagination, he had never given himself time toreason, to compare, to acquire principles: following the bent of araised, yet capricious fancy, he was ever in pursuit of meteors, thatled him into mischief, or phantoms, that dissolved at his approach.
Had my mind been more assured and at ease, I could have amused myselfwith the whimsical flights of this eccentric being--One hour, attractedby the sportive graces of Ann, he played with and caressed her, whilethe minutes flew rapidly on the light wing of amusement, and, tillreminded by the grave countenance of Mr Morton, seemed to forgetthat any other person was present. The next minute, disgusted by herfrivolity, all his attention was absorbed by the less fascinating, butmore artful and ingenious, Sarah. Then, quitting them both, he wouldpursue my steps, break in upon my meditations, and haunt my retreats,from whence, when not disposed to be entertained by his caprice, Ifound it not difficult to drive him, by attacking some of his variousprejudices:--accustomed to feel, and not to reason, his tastes andopinions were vehement and uncontroulable.
From this society, so uncongenial to my reflecting, reasoning, mind,I found some resource in the conversation of Mr Francis. The pride ofMontague was evidently piqued by the decided preference which I gave tothe company of his friend; but his homage, or his resentment, were alikeindifferent to me: accustomed to speak and act from my convictions,I was but little solicitous respecting the opinion of others. Myunderstanding was exercised by attending to the observations of MrFrancis, and by discussing the questions to which they led; yet itwas exercised without being gratified: he opposed and bewildered me,convicted me of error, and harrassed me with doubt.
Mr Francis soon after prepared to return to town. I was affected at theidea of his departure; and felt, that in losing his society, I should bedeprived of my only rational recreation, and should again be exposed toMrs Morton's illiberal attacks, who appeared to have marked me out forher victim, though at present restrained by the presence of a man, whohad found means to inspire, even her, with some degree of respect.
Mr Francis, on the evening preceding the day on which he purposedleaving Morton Park, passing under the open window of my chamber, inwhich I was sitting with a book to enjoy the refreshing breeze, invitedme to come down, and accompany him in a ramble. I immediately compliedwith his request, and joined him in a few minutes, with a countenanceclouded with regret at the idea of his quitting us.
'You are going,' said I, as I gave him my hand (which he passed underhis arm), 'and I lose my friend and counsellor.'
'Your concern is obliging; but you are capable of standing alone, andyour mind, by so doing, will acquire strength.'
'I feel as if this would not be the case: the world appears to me athorny and pathless wilderness; I step with caution, and look around mewith dread.--That I require protection and assistance is, I confess, aproof of weakness, but it is nevertheless true.'
'Mr Montague,' replied he, with some degree of archness in his tone andmanner, 'is a gallant knight, a pattern of chivalry, and appears to beparticularly calculated for the defender of distressed damsels!'
'I have no inclination to trust myself to the guidance of one, who seemshimself entangled in an inextricable maze of error, and whose versatilecharacter affords little basis for confidence.'
'Tell me what it is you fear;--are your apprehensions founded inreason?'
'Recollect my youth, my sex, and my precarious situation.'
'I thought you contemned the plea of _sex_, as a sanction for weakness!'
'Though I disallow it as a natural, I admit it as an artificial, plea.'
'Explain yourself.'
'The character, you tell me, is modified by circumstances: the customsof society, then, have enslaved, enervated, and degraded woman.'
'I understand you: there is truth in your remark, though you have givenit undue force.'
I hesitated--my heart was full--I felt as if there were many thingswhich I wished to say; but, however paradoxical, the manners of MrFrancis repressed, while they invited, confidence. I respected hisreason, but I doubted whether I could inspire him with sympathy, ormake him fully comprehend my feelings. I conceived I could expressmyself with more freedom on paper; but I had not courage to request acorrespondence, when he was silent on the subject. That it would be asource of improvement to me, I could not doubt, but prejudice with-heldme from making the proposal. He looked at me, and perceived my mindstruggling with a suggestion, to which it dared not give utterance: hesuspected the truth, but was unwilling to disturb the operations of myunderstanding. We walked for some time in silence:--my companion struckinto a path that led towards the house--listened to the village clock asit struck nine--and observed, the hour grew late. He had distinguishedme, and I was flattered by that distinction; he had supported me againstthe arrogance of Mrs Morton, retorted the sly sarcasms of Sarah, andeven helped to keep the impetuous Montague in awe, and obliged him torein in his offensive spirit, every moment on the brink of outrage. Myheart, formed for grateful attachment, taking, in one instant, a hastyretrospect of the past, and a rapid glance into futurity, experienced atthat moment so desolating a pang, that I endeavoured in vain to repressits sensations, and burst into a flood of tears. Mr Francis suddenlystopped, appeared moved, and, with a benevolent aspect and soothingaccents, enquired into the cause of an emotion so sudden and unexpected.I wept a few minutes in silence, and my spirits seemed, in some measure,relieved.
'I weep,' (said I), 'because I am _friendless_; to be esteemed andcherished is necessary to my existence; I am an alien in the familywhere I at present reside, I cannot remain here much longer, and towhom, and whither, shall I go?'
He took my hand--'I will not, at present, say all that it might beproper to say, because I perceive your mind is in a feeble state;--Myaffairs call me to London;--yet, there is a method of conversing at adistance.'
I eagerly availed myself of this suggestion, which I had wished, withouthaving the courage to propose.
'Will you, then, allow me, through the medium of pen and paper, toaddress, to consult you, as I may see occasion?'
'Will I? yes, most cheerfully! Propose your doubts and state yourdifficulties, and we shall see,' (smiling) 'whether they admit of asolution.'
Thanking him, I engaged to avail myself of this permission, and weproceeded slowly to the house, and joined the party in the supper room.I never once thought of my red and swoln eyes, till Sarah, glancing alook half curious, half sarcastic, towards me, exclaimed fromShakespear, in an affected tone,
'Parting is such sweet sorrow!'
Mr Francis looked at her sternly, she blushed and was silent; MrMontague was captious; Ann mortified, that she could not by her littletricks gain his attention. Mrs Morton sat wrapped in mock dignity; whileMr Morton, and his philosophic friend, canvassed the principles uponwhich an horizontal mill was about to be constructed on the estate ofthe former. After a short and scanty meal, I retired to my apartment,determined to rise early the next morning, and make breakfast for myfriend before his departure.
CHAPTER X
IV
Mr Francis had ordered his horse to be ready at five o'clock. I leftmy chamber at four, to have the pleasure of preparing for him the lastfriendly repast, and of saying _farewel_. He was serene and chearful asusual, I somewhat more pensive; we parted with great cordiality, hegave me his address in town, and engaged me to write to him shortly.I accompanied him through the Park to the porter's lodge, where theservant and horses waited his coming. My eyes glistened as I bade himadieu, and reiterated my wishes for his safety and prosperity, while hisfeatures softened into a more than usual benignity, as he returned mysalutation.
I wandered thoughtfully back towards the house, but the rich purplethat began to illumine the east, the harbinger of the rising sun, thefreshness of the morning air, the soft dews which already glittered onevery fragrant plant and flower, the solemn stillness, so grateful tothe reflecting mind, that pervaded the scene, induced me to prolong mywalk. Every object appeared in unison with my feelings, my heart swelledwith devotional affections, it aspired to the Author of nature. Afterhaving bewildered ourselves amid systems and theories, religion, in suchsituations, returns to the susceptible mind as a _sentiment_ rather thanas a principle. A passing cloud let fall a gentle, drizzling shower;sheltered beneath the leafy umbrage of a spreading oak, I rather heardthan felt it; yet, the coolness it diffused seemed to quench thoseardent emotions, which are but too congenial with my disposition, whilethe tumult of the passions subsided into a delicious tranquillity.
How mutable are human beings!--A very few hours converted this sublimecomplacency into perturbation and tumult. Having extended my walk beyondits accustomed limits, on my return, I retired, somewhat fatigued to myapartment, and devoted the morning to my studies. At the dinner hourI joined the family, each individual of which seemed wrapped up inreserve, scarcely deigning to practise the common ceremonies of theoccasion. I was not sufficiently interested in the cause of theseappearances to make any enquiries, and willingly resigned myself, inthe intervals of the entertainment, to meditation.
