“No, she was totally obsessed about having kids and they were rowing the whole time, throwing stuff, the lot. He finally walked because he felt guilty, ashamed that he couldn’t give her what she wanted.”
“But she told him she wanted a divorce, told everyone it was his fault. Are you saying he lied about that?”
“She did tell everyone, she made him feel a complete shit, and then two minutes later she’d be weeping and wailing that she loved him. It was so fucking up his head.” He took my hand in his. “He wanted her to be happy, wanted them both to be happy. So in the end he made the decision and gave her the chance to meet someone else. And he came here cos he thought he’d let his family down, they just wanted him to be happy and he felt pressured to have the perfect family life like his brother and parents and sister.” He kissed me, but it was all brother, no trace of lover. “He’s scared Holly, just like me.”
“Bollocks.” My phone beeped and I fished in my pocket for it instantly. I couldn’t help it, I hated Dane and wanted him so far out of my life we were on different planets. But I missed him. Which was driving me crazy because I didn’t want any trace left of him in my head or my heart.
‘Will you meet me for a drink, please?’
It wasn’t Dane, which made my heart rate go back down to normal with a thud. I looked at the text and tried to work out how I felt. I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t feel upset. Just vaguely, very vaguely, interested in why he’d sent it, but apart from that I felt nothing. But I didn’t want him here, and besides I don’t think Charlie and Anna would want him here.
“Problem?” Charlie came closer so that he could read the message. “Oh, shit.”
‘No problem.’ I added the address of the nearest pub and a time and hit send. And wondered why the hell James was here.
Chapter Ten
“You don’t mind me coming to see you?”
“Not at all. Is anything wrong?” I looked at James, my ex-husband, and knew that I didn’t. I didn’t mind at all. He was a James I didn’t really know. It was funny, because I suppose I’d fancied him from the first time I saw him so I’d kind of seen him in that ‘wow’ way and not seen the real him, then I’d seen him in the full blown relationship light, when he was a kind of prefect caricature, then I’d hated him but still loved him. And now I was seeing him like I imagine an outsider would. A quite boring, slightly staid and averagely attractive man. And that was all. Which, in a strange way, made me want to hug him with relief.
“I miss you Holly.” He put down his glass of wine, took one of my hands in his and looked at it earnestly, which was a bit spooky. “Do you miss me, ever?” His long elegant thumb traced a line over the back of my hand, right down to my fingernail and he rubbed along the edge, the slight pressure on the tip of the nail sending an urge to pull away right through my body.
“Not really, not anymore.” And I didn’t, not anymore. And I didn’t want to be touched by him either, it was a weird kind of physical assault.
“Oh.” He looked a bit put out and drew back, letting my hand fall free on the table. “I was hoping you might, er, come back?”
Folding my arms put my hands safely tucked out of reach. “We’re divorced, James.”
“We could always remarry.”
I tried to stifle the hysterical laugh that was bubbling away at the back of my throat. “I’m sorry, I like it here, I’ve made friends.”
“You mean people like Sophie?” He couldn’t stop the note of censure in his voice, he hated Sophie. “And Charlie?” He wasn’t keen on Charlie either.
“Yes, and other people. And I’ve got a new job here.”
“You could stay here, I could come at weekends.”
“No, James. I don’t want to come back, I’m sorry.” And I was. We’d never been suited and it had taken something big to make me realize. “I would never make you happy.”
“You did.” There was a stubborn note in his voice, a note I remembered so well. “You did make me happy, and you were happy too.”
“I did once.”
“You could again.”
I thought about the fun we’d had, at first. It had been good, we’d made a good team for a while, But we’d both changed and we were never going to change back. “Aren’t you happy, James?”
“Some of the time, but I miss you. It can be lonely.” I wanted to add ‘in a crowd’ but I didn’t.
“You’ll be fine, it just takes time.” I covered his hands with mine and hoped he would. I’d forgiven him and although I would never forget him he just wasn’t part of my life any more, not even a tiny part.
“I will.” He stood up. James wasn’t one to mull over things or feel sorry for himself. “I hope you will be too, Holly.” And he meant it, I could tell he did, so we had a slightly awkward hug and finished our drinks and I felt almost good about life until I happened to glance across the bar, straight into the sardonic face of Dane.
It hurt. I was surprised just how bad it made me feel seeing him again, and he looked rough even from the other side of the room. There was a dark shadow of stubble on his chin and his hair was mussed up as though he’d dragged himself straight from bed to the bar.
We stared and every bit of me wanted to go over and talk to him, but as he raised his drink up and took a swig, his gaze never leaving me he suddenly looked unapproachable.
So, this was how James had felt with me, I’d had invisible barriers—they had been anger, self protection. But I couldn’t give Dane that as an excuse, he wasn’t scared, he couldn’t be. He just didn’t want me. He nodded, the very slightest inclination of his head, just as James tapped me elbow, wondering why I wasn’t following him.
“Sorry, I’m coming.” If I’d felt sad before, it was nothing compared to this. It was like we’d just said goodbye.
James gave me one last hug before he got in his car and headed back to his life in London and I wandered down the High Street. I don’t know why I stopped at the estate agents, but I did, and right there smack bang in the middle of the window was the perfect cottage. I looked again, it was for rent, on the upper limit of what I could afford. Well, slightly over the upper limit. But I could stretch to it. Funny how things happen sometimes, isn’t it? I’d just waved a final goodbye to James, left Charlie to meet up with Anna and I just knew in my heart that they’d sort things out, and I was ready to start again. Properly. On my own.
Someone was frantically waving at me from inside the agents – it was open, and he was bored, and there was no time like the present. He grinned with relief when I took the invitation and went in, the warm air hitting me with the surreal force that it does when you step off an airplane into a baking hot country. He was round my side of the desk pulling a chair out before you say Happy New Year. “Please make my day, say you want to talk houses. Not that I’m pushy or anything.”
“Well actually…”
“Coffee?” Boy, he really must be bored.
“I’m fine thanks. It’s that cottage, in the window?”
“Willow Tree?” He rifled through the filing cabinet and pulled out the single sheet of details. Brief, because it was tiny, but beautiful.
“It’s a bit outside what I wanted to pay, but—”
“It is lovely, why not take a look round? It only came back on the market the other day and I’m sure it’ll be snapped up.” It could have been agent talk, but he was probably right. And I just had a feeling.
“When can I see it?” There I’d said it. I was one step away from putting down roots.
“The owner does the viewings himself, I’ll just check when he’s free.” I looked out of the window, watched the world go by and knew that this was meant to be. “Would tomorrow morning at ten suit you?” I nod and he finishes the conversation and takes my details.
What should I do next, now that I’ve got my little bit of excitement out of the way? I opt for a cup of coffee and a read of the newspapers, although there won’t be much news in them. For the first time since I came up her
e and moved in with Charlie I actually feel a bit of a spare part. I want to move out. I want my own place, which is a bit of a weird feeling, but I’ve also got a feeling that we’re all moving on. Even if Charlie and Anna don’t work things out I know I can’t stay there much longer, we’ve had fun but it can’t go any further. We’ve done the friends to almost lovers thing and we’re lucky it stopped where it did, before anyone got hurt. I’d wanted him because he was warm and cuddly and safe, and of course had a hot body, I can’t deny that there was an attraction there, but I know the real reason we got close. And he wanted me because, well he did fancy me, but I think a lot of it was because although he was scared stiff that it would end in disaster again he also wanted to face his demons.
I’m not quite sure what’s happening with Sophie, the open one who I’ve just realized I know sod all about. Maybe it’s our turn to help her, if she’ll let us. And Dane? Yeah, Dane still hurts but I’ll survive. Deep down I still want to see my cowboy in him, but it’s hard to get past what he said. Maybe impossible.
The café is quiet, but warm and I wrap my hands round the cappuccino for a minute before suddenly deciding on impulse to call my mum.
“What a lovely surprise darling, is everything alright?”
“Fine, I miss you.”
“We miss you too darling, I miss you. You did have a good Christmas with your friends? You sound a bit, tired?”
“It was great, Mum, really. But I think I need to go back to work.”
She laughs, her familiar chuckle travelling over the airwaves unhindered. “Now I know you’re okay, you always wanted to get everything back to normal. When you were at school you used to—”
“Mum!”
I tell her about the cottage and she sounds pleased. “But you will come and see us soon, won’t you?” I tell her James has been to see me and for a moment she hesitates. “You are okay?”
“I am, Mum.”
“You know I’m here for you if you want to talk? I mean I know we’ve never been that close, but I do love you Holly.” And she didn’t say it in a soppy sentimental way, because that wouldn’t have been her. But I knew she meant every word.
“I know, Mum.”
“Let me know how the viewing goes.”
“I will, bye.”
“Darling?” I stop short of pressing the end call button, there is almost a hesitation in her voice which isn’t like my mother at all. “I am glad you’ve sorted things out and you’re not going back to James, I was worried.”
“But you liked him, I know you wanted us to stay together.” She had liked him, and she hadn’t wanted me to leave him which was partly why I had run off to Cheshire to join Sophie and Charlie. I couldn’t bear being the failure yet again. “You didn’t want us to split up.” I’d not told her much about why we’d split up, but she’d told me not to rush, to be logical and not have stupid emotional outbursts that I’d regret later.
“I’m sorry, Holly, I just wanted you to be happy and I didn’t know how bad it was.” But she still didn’t now, I hadn’t told her what it was all about and probably never would. “James told me what he’d done.” Oh, shit.
“James what?” I could feel my jaw drop, oh sweet Jesus no, James could not have told her what he’d done. Just the thought of him telling my mother about his escapades was making me burn up like I’d swallowed a whole jar full of chillies. Fuck. “What did he tell you?” Don’t panic.
“He said there had been other people and… well I think he knows we like him and he wanted to ask if I thought you’d have him back and what he should do.”
“What did you say?” Stop thinking about him describing in graphic detail the spanking, the men, the black leather…. Oh no, just don’t think about it. My palms had gone clammy.
“I told him he needed to talk to you, darling. I’m sure he didn’t tell me the whole story, but he really let you down didn’t he?”
Let me down, yeah he let me down. “I wasn’t enough for him, I’m never enough for anyone.”
“That’s rubbish.”
I thought about my birth mother giving me away, I thought about Mum being too busy to hug me, about her latest bombshell that she was moving to Australia and leaving me, about James needing more than just me in his life. I’d always settled for being second best, for not being good enough. I closed my eyes, I’d even shared Dane with Sophie. “But it’s true. Even you’re going to move away.” I’d said it.
“Oh darling, you know I’m not leaving you, we want you to come too, but I thought with your career and your friends and everything you wouldn’t want to. There’s a room out there with your name on you know. Holly, don’t you dare ever think that you’re second best.” There was a catch in the normally even voice and a lump formed in my throat. I swallowed hard to clear it. “I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life before, but I didn’t want to stifle you once I got you. I didn’t want to follow you round and be suffocating. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Holly.” She went quiet then. Probably because she’d said things she had never said before. Sometimes it was easier to keep things inside, but it was nice when things came out now and again.
“You’re not going to get all sentimental on me now are you, Mum?”
She gave a short laugh that was almost normal. “Maybe I should every now and then. Can I come and see you when you move in? Just me and you and a proper chat. No Dad?”
“I’ve not even seen the place yet.” It would be nice. Just her and me, not her and Dad with me skirting round the edge.
“You’ll love it. I can tell darling, I’ve got a good feeling.”
The phone springs into life again the instant I ring off—which is a bit annoying because in a perfect world I’d be able to sit having a warm and fuzzy feeling about my mum before life intervenes again. It’s the estate agent and for a horrible moment I’m sure he’s going to say that the house isn’t available any more.
“You couldn’t pop around in an hour’s time could you? The owner just rang and said he’s in the area and if —?”
“Of course I can. That’s perfect.” I need to stop saying and thinking ‘perfect’, because I know full well that nothing in life ever is and I’m just asking for disappointment.
The front garden is tiny, walled and a little bit overgrown. But I can’t concentrate on it because all I can really see is the tall familiar figure of a cowboy in the doorway. My heart sinks right down to the pit of my stomach and I’m not quite sure why.
“It’s your house, isn’t it?” I just know it is. He could just be passing by, but he’s not.
“You’re on your own then?” He’s got his thumbs hooked in his belt and is slouched in the doorway in that aggressive casual stance like some big cat about to strike, when he’s ready.
“Who else would be here?” I’m genuinely confused. “I haven’t seen Soph for a few days and Charlie is meeting Anna, I am quite capable of making my own mind up about things you know.”
“Oh, don’t I know it.” It’s a drawl, but he still manages to sound edgy.
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, you made up your mind the other day quick enough.” He steps back a bit. “Well, are you coming in or not then?”
“I’m not sure if I want to.” I do want to, but I also want to punch him in the guts and tell him to stop being an insufferable jerk. Not that I’m normally a violent person.
“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Let’s get one thing straight here. You—” I jabbed my finger at him and it hit the solid muscle of his chest, not a good idea “—you were the one who made your mind up. You told me it was time to call things a day, and you…” What was I going to say? He was distracting me the way he had raised his eyebrow and was running his fingers through his tousled hair.
“I?”
“You were acting a total shit.” I ran out of steam.
“I can’t get involved, Holly, I’m just
not up to it, I’d end up letting you down and going through all that shit again for nothing.”
“Wimp.”
He held up both hands and took a step back. “Guilty as charged. Come in, please?” I take the single step inside and let him push the door shut behind me, and he’s so close in that tiny narrow hallway that the sexy smell of burnt hoof and cedar aftershave reaches out and grabs me. I’ve really got to stop this thing about burned hoof, it must be the weirdest aphrodisiac ever. “He’s not with you then, that guy I saw you with?”
Well, if he had been we wouldn’t be playing sardines in the hall. “No, James isn’t with me.”
“That was James? Your ex?”
“It was.” I glance up and wish I could reach up and kiss him, but that would be stupid. “He’s gone back to London.”
“Without you?”
“Looks like it, abandoned again.”
“I never abandoned you.” The husky edge to his voice is doing strange things to my insides. His hand is warm against my cheek, his thumb rough as he strokes over my burning skin.
“I can’t do this.” Tears are prickling hot against my eyelids and when I open my eyes and look up I can feel them spill over. I know now why I’m scared, it’s because I want him so much and I already know it would never work in a million zillion years.
“Shit, what have I done, Holly?” I try to pull back but there’s nowhere to go and he doesn’t look shut off now.
“Not now, not after what you said.” I take a gulp of air because I want to swallow the stupid tears back down, but they won’t go, there’s a hard lump in my throat that is stopping me doing anything.
“What, what did I say?”
He said what he thought, and he’d never understand why it made me so sad. He’d wished an unwanted baby dead, a baby that years ago could have been me. “Tell me.”
He’s not demanding, he’s asking in a voice so soft it makes fresh tears spill onto my cheeks. I try and reach up to wipe them away but I can’t, he catches my hand and then wipes them away with his own thumb.
“Please, Holly.” His lips brush over my cheeks, over my eyes so that I close them instinctively, linger over my own. “Please.” My lips part slightly as his mouth meets mine, and I know the little trembling sigh has to be me as his warm tongue traces a path, dampens my lips. There’s nothing rough or commanding about the way he kisses me, but it’s more demanding than any kiss I’ve ever had. Every touch is a gentle question, every breath something I can respond to, surrender to or walk away from.
Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas) Page 11
