by Blake Nelson
Then I heard Cybil’s voice above me. It was muffled and I couldn’t hear the words but it was definitely her. And then I could hear Katrina and even though her voice was deeper and more demanding, Cybil’s soft voice was winning the argument or the conversation or whatever it was. And then there were more footsteps and the woman came down the stairs and yelled at the cat. And then softer footsteps came down and I could hear whispering in the kitchen. And I was so nervous I just stared at the TV and then I looked up and there was Cybil.
The first thing I thought was how dirty she was. And also her hair was dyed black and cut really short and it had bangs straight across like a French person. And she had this old sweater and ripped-up jeans and filthy tennis shoes that I’d never seen before. And all the time I was looking at her clothes she was looking at my face. She was watching my reaction. Then she said, “Jeez, Andrea, aren’t you even going to say hi?” I said hi and sorry and that her hair was different. Cybil said, “Do you like it?” I said, “Yeah, yeah I do.” And Katrina was listening and she scoffed all the way from the kitchen but Cybil told her to shut up. And then Cybil told me I looked nice too and I was like, yeah right.
And then she went to the coffee table and got a cigarette and lit it and I watched her and it was so weird to see her smoke. She was incredibly good at it. She looked like a movie star. And the man told her to get out of the way of the TV and then the cat in the kitchen meowed like it was getting kicked and I said, “Did you hear about Greg?” Cybil nodded. She looked at the TV for a second like she was thinking and then she said, “Do you have your car?” I said I did and she said, “Do you want to go somewhere?” I was like, please.
Outside the clouds were flying by so fast you could see them moving over the telephone wires. And in the distance you could see this huge gray wall of rain just beyond the Space Needle and for the first time I was afraid of Seattle, or maybe just respecting it as a big city, full of danger and creepiness and desperate people who had run away to follow their dreams. Cybil walked ahead of me and she wore a beige trench coat that made her look like a waif or a street child from London. And I guess she thought I was going to scold her because she seemed afraid to look at me and she didn’t say anything. We got in my car and drove and she directed me to a coffee shop. She asked me what I was doing in Seattle and I said I just felt like driving somewhere and I thought she might want to see me. And I said I was sorry for intruding and she said, “No, it’s okay, Katrina and Rick are just paranoid of new people.” There was an awkward silence and then she told me about Rick and how he was a good bass player but his band was getting jerked around by their manager and he just sat around watching TV all the time.
At the coffee shop we got tea and sat outside so Cybil could smoke the cigarette she bummed from the boy behind the counter. We didn’t talk for a long time and it was so weird to see her smoking. Finally I asked her how she found out about Greg and she said her mom told her. I asked her what she thought of it. She said she felt bad. Very bad. And she was nodding and she seemed like she was about to start laughing or something and it was the weirdest vibe I had ever gotten off her. And so I said how the teachers wouldn’t tell us at first and how Hillside reacted and how people didn’t blame her or Matthew but they did wonder what happened. Cybil just nodded. And then I got mad because she was making me do all the talking while she just sat there. So I stopped talking. And then nobody talked. And then, finally, she said she wanted to go see Greg. I said, “Well yeah, that would be nice.” But it sounded really snotty and I immediately regretted it. And when she finished her cigarette she bummed another one off a girl sitting next to us.
Then she wanted to walk so I said okay and we started walking. And she said there was nothing she could do about Greg and he was always sort of crazy and I probably didn’t know how bad he was but she and Matthew knew. They knew better than anyone. And then she said how the people at Hillside would never forgive them because they didn’t know what the stakes were, that in Seattle nobody even blinked about something like that. People there died all the time from heroin or suicide and it was always because they wanted to be rock stars. And I tried to understand her point of view but it just sounded like excuses and she seemed so cold. So I said, “Yeah, Carla wasn’t very impressed either.” And Cybil turned to me and looked right in my face and said, “Don’t worry, Andrea, I was plenty impressed.”
Things got really quiet then. Cybil went into a store and bought cigarettes and when we got back to the car we just sat there and she smoked. And then I started to apologize but she said it was her fault and to forget it. And then she said how she always had trouble in these situations because she never seemed to have the proper feelings. Like the football player who was glad when the Camden students killed themselves. That’s how she was, not glad, but just not sad in the correct way. And that I was lucky because I always had the right feelings and the right reactions. And that I should try to understand that other people weren’t so sure of themselves, especially if they had spent their whole lives hiding things and disguising their feelings because they weren’t normal or they were outside the group or they were, like she was, gay.
And I guess I knew Cybil was gay but I never really thought about it. I guess I didn’t want to think about it. And if I ever did think about it I just thought the stuff they tell you in health class: that gay people are no different than you or me and you could be friends with them just as easy as anyone else. But what Cybil was saying now was that I could trust myself in this really deep way and she couldn’t. And it seemed like she was right, or at least it made sense. And then she said that’s why she was always so in love with me and looked up to me all these years, because I was like the perfect All-American girl. Not like a stupid cheerleader but interesting and smart and going off to a good college. And never having to hide anything. And not having secrets. And even when I did bad things they were the right bad things, the normal bad things, like drinking or staying out late or having sex with boys.
· · ·
39
And if I was smart I wouldn’t have said anything but of course I had to start blabbing about how I always thought she was the All-American girl and she always seemed to have perfect style and this inner confidence and blah blah and then I realized what an idiot I was being and she was just smoking and looking out the window. So I shut up. And it was dark now and the sky was murky green and the air was wet and smelled like the ocean. And then I started to think it was all a bluff, that it was just a bunch of drama to make me forget what they did to Greg, But she was Cybil. She was my best friend. I had to believe her. I just had to. And I started the car and Cybil said there was a Taco Time down the street and so we went there.
We got burritos and ate and then we drove to the studio because she wanted to show me where they were making the record. And she told me how they “constructed” the song and how weird and disconnected it was and how Nick Venn was such a genius. And we got there and it was locked and it was just this building but Cybil still wanted to walk around it so we did and my shoes got all wet from the grass. Then it started to rain and it was getting cold so we got back in the car and drove back to her house. And I told her all the other Hillside news and she nodded a lot but you could tell she wasn’t really interested. When we got to Katrina’s I turned off the car and we talked a little more, about nothing really, and it was actually pretty awkward and it was like we just wanted to sit together a little while longer. Then I asked her if she would come back and finish school. She didn’t think so. Matthew had found a place to live downtown and he was already planning his investments from the money they’d make on the record. We both laughed’ about that and then it was quiet and then she leaned over and gave me a hug and I tried to give her a really good hug but she sort of cut it off and got out. And she walked in front of the car lights and she looked so cool with her French haircut and her trench coat. And she waved once more and then she ran up the steps and into that horrible house.
I started the car. I drove back toward the university and got on the freeway and it was raining and dark and I could barely see. I drove for an hour and then I pulled off at a rest stop and called my dad. I told him I’d be late and he said that was fine and was I okay? I said I was but his voice sounded so warm and familiar I started to cry. And then I hung up and it was pouring down rain and the huge trucks were splashing along the interstate and I just stood there in the phone booth crying my eyes out for Greg and Cybil and everybody. Because things happened so fast and everyone went flying out in the world in a million directions and everyone was going somewhere different and everyone ended up alone.
I got home late. I fell asleep for a couple hours. I got up and went to school. And on the way I thought how boring I was and how I should do something wild like dye my hair or make out with Eric K Club or take Ecstasy. But when I got to school I had the opposite feeling. With Cybil gone I felt free to be a normal Hillside student. And I worked on Hillsider all that week and went to a Sunday party at Beth’s where her parents let us have little half-glasses of wine and we sat around having intellectual conversations.
· · ·
And then Henry invited me to Sophomore Dance and at first I scoffed but he kept bugging me and saying it would be a goof so I agreed. He wore a thriftstore suit and I wore my fish dress and my hair up and afterward we went to a party at Bridget Cole’s house and got drunk. And then for Senior Prom Richard Kirn called me and he wanted to go just to “observe” and I hadn’t talked to him in a while and we had such a nice conversation I decided to go. He got a real tux and I dug out that stupid dress my mom made me wear to the Wellington interview. And we went and everyone acted very mature and was nice to each other, even people they hated. Darcy was there with her Camden boyfriend and he was pretty cute. And Rebecca had Tom Petrovich following her around like a puppy. And then Wendy Simpson had a big party afterward and Richard didn’t want to go but I made him. And we sat off to the side and talked for a long time and sipped champagne and I told him all about Seattle and Katrina and he listened and nodded a lot but didn’t really say anything.
And the next thing I knew we were all lined up in the gym for graduation rehearsal. And Mr. Miller and Mr. Angelo blew whistles and said, “Listen up, people!” And everyone goofed on them and Nathan was behind me and he was being so obnoxious because he got into Stanford and he kept saying, “What can they do to me now? Huh?” And after school we planned the last Hillsider, which was the big joke issue, and we sat around after school thinking up “The person most likely to’s.”
And the days zoomed by and the seniors were like this big herd of sheep and they told us to come on Saturday at noon and we did and they graduated us and that was that. I was done with high school. And it was muggy and hot and we all stood around in the parking lot in our gowns and hats and people yelled back and forth and took pictures and after a while it got boring and I got in the car with my parents and went home.
And then I had to look for a job, which became very depressing very fast. There were so many people looking for jobs that every place you went already had a million applicants and they all looked so desperate you wanted to give up and let them have the job. So I mostly hung around the house and got bored and I finally got a job at Robin’s Egg at Sunset Mall as a waitress. The customers were the stereo salesmen from the mall and secretaries and stuff. And the kitchen staff were all these suburban types and it was so depressing. And the only fun of the summer was going to shows at K Club with Henry but the new bands weren’t that good and they were mostly boy bands and all these jock guys were showing up and slamming and you never saw Carla or anybody cool there anymore.
In July I wrote Cybil a letter in care of Buzz Records. And then I wrote Todd in care of Tori. But both letters were so boring I wasn’t that surprised when they didn’t write back. They both had more important things to do. But just when I gave up I got a postcard from Cybil saying they finished the record and they were going to tour and probably play at K Club at the end of the summer. And then I saw Eric and he confirmed it and showed me his schedule and it said Sins of Our Fathers in huge letters on Saturday night, August 27.
And then in the first week of August I got a letter from someone in Pasadena, California, named Marissa Hentoff. I opened it up and it was my soon-to-be roommate at Wellington. She was writing to me to introduce herself and tell me what kind of stereo she had and what kind of music she liked and how she was into the Grateful Dead and pro-choice and trying to shut down nuclear power plants.
· · ·
Then I went shopping with Mom. We went to Kruger’s and got some Levi’s and crew-neck sweaters and other stuff my mom thought people wore back east. And I managed to get some money out of her to go to HOP! but when I went there I was too nervous because even if Marissa Hentoff was a nerd there would probably be people there from New York who were totally fashionable and I would feel like an idiot with HOP! clothes.
My mom got my plane ticket. It left on August 27. But I didn’t have to be at Wellington until the twenty-ninth and I wanted to see Sins of Our Fathers and my mom got pissed and said how ungrateful I was and when was I going to quit this stupid rock band stuff? And it was weird because in a way I sort of agreed with her. And I was almost afraid to see Cybil because she would be so different and I would just remind her of Hillside and Greg and all the stuff she didn’t want to think about. Even in Seattle when she was trying to be nice I could tell she wanted to be away from me. And I guess I wanted to be away from her too. And I tried not to think it was bad, it was just one of those things.
And then I quit my job a week early because the manager at Robin’s Egg had been charged with sexual harassment by one of the waitresses and Robin’s Egg Incorporated was sending investigators and giving us lie detector tests and it was so horrible there I couldn’t stand it. And then I went to a party at Nathan’s and all the people who were going to good colleges were there and talking about the deals they got on their plane tickets and what classes they were taking and what their majors were going to be. And it was so weird because Amy Brubaker was there and she was being so nice to me and wanting to exchange addresses and practically begging me to come visit her at Smith.
· · ·
40
Then I started packing. And getting in fights with my mom. And summer was ending and the days were getting shorter and there was the first feeling of fall in the air. And one day I was coming back from the store and I stopped at Hillside and walked around the buildings which already seemed really dinky and juvenile. And I walked down onto the field where we played soccer in freshman gym class and looked out into the woods where Cybil used to kick the ball. And then I went across the street and had coffee at Taco Time and wrote Marissa Hentoff a letter telling what kind of stereo I had and how I was pro-choice and into shutting down nuclear power plants and had she ever heard of Color Green?
And the day before I flew I tried to wash all my jeans one more time and my mom was yelling at me and my dad was yelling at my mom and I felt so sick I could hardly eat. And I wore my bathrobe all day and ran around and looked at myself in the mirror and of course I was getting the hugest zit on my chin. That night I watched TV and talked to Henry on the phone and ran back and forth from the dryer to the washer and upstairs to my suitcases. And between my mom’s criticisms and my own fashion insecurity I was bringing probably the most boring wardrobe ever assembled. And I complained to my mom and she said, “What do you think Wellington is? A bunch of juvenile delinquents? Do you think they’ll be dressed in thriftstore rags?” And it seemed like she was probably right.
· · ·
But I brought all my tapes. My Color Green tapes and tapes of Sins of Our Fathers and that one tape of Cybil singing by herself. For my personal mementos I brought Brad’s bullet and Todd’s guitar pick and some old posters of Thriftstore Apocalypse and K Club and Outer Limits. But besides that I had pretty ordinary stuff. Which was okay. Because since Cybil had left, I had becom
e more mainstream and I sort of enjoyed it. Like talking to Richard, or going to Nathan’s party, or just being like a normal person and not trying to be so cool all the time or so shocking. And in a way, I had missed high school, or at least the typical high school experience. Even Hillsider I had come to late and I was never really accepted there. And the next day when my parents drove me to the airport, I was looking out the window and thinking that Wellington would be my second chance. It would be my chance to start over. I’d have four years to develop a normal social life and be a real person and do all the things a regular person would do.
We got to the airport. We checked my bags and walked around. Then we had coffee in the little espresso place and there was a boy at the next table who was obviously going back east to college. He had a short haircut and penny loafers and lots of zits. And I was watching him and thinking how fun college was going to be and how I should befriend Marissa and try to at least understand politics and be as intelligent as I could. And I guess my mom was reading my mind because she was looking at me with so much pride.
Then we went to the gate. And then the doors opened and people started going in. I said good-bye to my parents and gave them each a hug and my mom started to cry. And I slung my pack over my shoulder and my mom dabbed her eyes and I kissed them both again and got on the plane. And as I sat in my seat waiting for takeoff I felt so inspired I wanted to get out a book and start studying right then. And in my mind I could see myself, signing up for classes, talking to professors, getting into literature and art, and maybe working on the school paper. And then winter would come and it would snow and I would meet Marissa for hot chocolate and we would discuss issues and sexual politics and we’d plan rallies to shut down nuclear power plants. And I would be dressed like everybody else and learning so much and making friends and being right in the thick of college life … But of course that’s not what happened. Not even close.
