by Tara Ahmed
I stood there, my palms beginning to sweat by my sides- as I stared at him, not quite believing he was actually there.
The door behind me swung open, and I didn’t have to turn to recognize Charlene and April’s footsteps approaching me.
“Holy mother of cows!” exclaimed Charlene. “It’s like a live concert here!”
I couldn’t hear April’s reply, for James cleared his throat, tapping the mike twice. The sun beat down on his apricot skin, as tiny beads of sweat trickled down his temple, soaking into the color of his white polo.
“Alright,” he said. “Here I go.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, expecting him to sing some cheesy song in a futile attempt to charm me. But when the two guitarists by his side began to play their tune, and the marching band marched around the car, playing their trumpets, and throwing their batons in the air- for a moment, I was dazed.
“I’ve always had it all,” he sang. “I’ve been the guy that girls dream of, someone to give them what they could never have. But never once, was anyone ever concerned with giving me what I never had. They all assumed I was happy. They assumed that I woke on a throne like bed, spending days lounging in luxury, and nights- flying over the lights of Paris, dining with only the finest. If only they knew that all I did was waste my time, with people that weren’t worth my time, nor I worth theirs. And then, one day, you happened. You slapped me over the face, told me that I wasn’t anything special, and that in fact, you didn’t care about how much money I was worth. Somehow, without me knowing, you’d crawled into that worm sized space in my heart that I guarded with my life. You got in there, without permission, and made me feel like I mattered. But I was afraid, I was a coward, and I couldn’t let down that wall I’d worked so hard to build. So I hurt you, I pushed you away, only to realize, what a big mistake I’d made. I need you to know, that without you, life is a bag of air- meaningless. I need you, and I crave you, and I can’t stand a day without you. So what I’m trying to say through this awful song is…please…come home.”
There was a look of pleading in his eyes, as he held the mike with quivering hands, pressing it under his mouth. He breathed deeply- his lips pressed in a line- staring at me with an apprehensive gaze.
April approached me, giving my shoulder a shake.
I gasped, stirring out of my thoughts, before turning my head to her.
“Answer him,” she whispered. “I can’t tell you what to say, but I know you’ll do the right thing.”
The right thing?
At that moment, I wasn’t even sure what that meant. My eyes traced over the neighborhood, as families stood on their front porch, staring at the fiasco. They smiled, and clapped, and cheered- some even whistling.
“Give him a chance!” An elderly woman from across the street waved her wooden cane, her grey locks falling over her shoulder in messy waves.
“Oh my god, that’s James Bellevue!” A teenager, whose face I couldn’t find in the crowd- screeched loudly. “He’s so freaking cute!”
“Kids these days,” a man said, standing at the center of the crowd. His dark crew cut was something out of a 1998 army film, as he stood tall, his navy plaid shirt- tight against his beer bellied gut.
“All this nonsense just to get a woman back,” he continued. “Back in my days, we just sent letters—“
“Letters? Bob, you never sent me a letter! Which girl was it? Who did you send a letter to?”
I smiled, as Bob’s wife scowled at him, before turning and stomping away. Her petite frame disappeared against the fog of the crowd, her blond locks billowing against the back of her yellow sun dress.
“I was kidding, Linda!” he called, rushing after her.
“Is your girl gonna say anything?” the guitarist to James’s right asked. “She’s so serious. Man, you must have screwed up big time.”
I sighed, taking a step back.
“My answer is no.” I said this slowly, clearly, and loud enough for James to hear through the stir of the crowd.
“No?” someone questioned.
“Wow, what a bitch.”
“Don’t curse, Agatha!”
“Is she for real? I would give my left arm if a guy sang me a love song in a crowd like this.”
“She’s just stuck up. I bet she’s cheating on him, anyway.”
“Maybe he hurt her really badly. We shouldn’t judge.”
Murmurs went on, as I stared at the shell shocked James. My insides were frozen, like snow had formed over it, permanently plastering the soft side I had for him. But as I looked at him- I noticed his chin begin to tremble, his large almond eyes, going red.
He was about to cry, and I didn’t care.
“Well that’s all folks,” I said. “You all can go back now. The shows over. Sorry you had to waste your time, and money, James. Bye.”
“Dory, you’re being mean!” Charlene scolded, as I walked past her and April.
As I placed my hand over the handle to the gate, April’s warm palm curved over my wrist, momentarily stopping me.
“He loves you,” April whispered. “Just…just look at him. He really regrets hurting you and—“
“April please, just stop it okay?” I snapped. “I’m not forgiving him. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! I just…I’m sorry…I have to go. Just do me a favor…make sure he leaves. Can you do that for me? As a friend?”
She sighed. “Yeah, yeah I can.”
“Thanks. I’m glad I can count on you.”
She nodded, giving me a sad smile.
As I walked through the front yard, towards the open door, I ignored the roaring sounds of the crowd, and the music that began to play again. The melody was familiar, but I couldn’t quite recognize it. When I reached the door, a part of me wondered what James was thinking, standing there in front of that mike. I didn’t know why, but a small voice inside me pondered on the thought of him convincing me to go back to New York.
When I walked through the door, slamming it behind me, I collapsed on the ground, my heart clenched so tightly against my chest- I felt all the oxygen being swept away from my lungs. Without anyone knowing, I hugged my knees on the ground, and finally let the tears I’d been holding in, drop. It had taken every ounce of strength I had in me to not lunge at him, not to make myself look like a total fool. I was tired of being a fool.
**
I rested with my back pressed against the bed, white earphones tucked into both holes, as the iPod from my high school days, played my favorite tunes. Gwen Stephanie’s poppy voice twirled across the sound system of my mind- my eyes stinging from the crying I’d done about fifteen minutes ago.
I could still hear the faint sounds of the marching band outside my open window, as the sunlight streamed through, splashing over my naked arms.
CRASH!
The sound of glass shattering against the wall perked my ears- my eyes widening as I whipped my head to side, shooting up from the bed.
“What—what are you doing? Get out!” I stood, my heart trembling, as James took slow steps towards me.
My gaze narrowed on his left arm, which was sliced with a shard of glass. For a millisecond, I noticed the glass trophy that I’d won during a middle school talent show, shattered to pieces against the floor.
“Your…your hand,” I whispered. “You’re bleeding.”
James glanced at the thin piece of glass stuck to the edge of his arm, then back at me- a look of anxiety hanging over his gaze.
“Why do you care?” His deep voice trembled, as he took closer steps towards me.
I shook my head, taking a few steps slowly back, my hands beginning to shake against my sides.
“I don’t,” I replied. “But, I can’t stand seeing another person in pain—“
“I’m not another person!” he yelled. “I’m…I’m not. I’m your person. I’m yours.”
I didn’t know what to say, for the pain in my heart formed once more, threatening to make those wretched tears return.
/> My lips were chapped- my hair was tangled in a lopsided pony tail, with my t-shirt wrinkled all over. But as I looked at him, I realized, he was also a mess. The once silky locks from a half hour ago, was shaggy, thrown callously over his eyes. His pure white shirt, was sprinkled with dirt, as was his cheek.
I took even steps towards him, swallowing a breath I didn’t know I was holding, before lifting my head towards him.
“Sit,” I said.
His brows furrowed. “What?”
“Trust me.”
Without another word, he walked backwards till he reached my bed, and sat. He stared at me with a miserable longing, and when I turned, I could feel his eyes penetrate through my body, burning me everywhere.
I was nervous. Why the hell was I nervous?
With a quivering hand, I opened the top drawer to my vanity, pulling out the first aid kit I’d kept since I was a kid. The white box stood out against the mess of the drawer, which was tumbled with expired nail polish, baseball cards, makeup, and pieces of jewelry I rarely wore.
Though the crowd of people still gossiped outside my window, the music, and marching band appeared to have left.
As I walked towards James, I noticed the light wind pass over his chiseled face, gusting through his unkempt brown locks.
“Dory, open up!” April’s fist pounded against the door. “I’m so sorry! He literally ran to the side of your house and climbed up those pipe things! I tried my best to stop him. I swear I did! Can you please just open the door! What’s he doing?—“
“April, relax,” I said. “Everything’s fine. I think I need some time alone with him.”
“Pooh, I bet they’re kissing!” said Charlene, who I imagined was pressing her tiny ears against the door.
“Pooh, I bet they’re not,” April teased. “Come on, squirt. Let’s grab a bite. All this dramatic romance has made me hungry.”
“No, I want to hear what they’re saying! And don’t call me squirt,” Charlene whined. “Please…let’s just listen—“
“Eavesdropping is wrong,” said April. “Now come on. They’re both kind of boring, so they’ll have nothing interesting to talk about. Trust me—“
“But—“
Charlene’s voice was muffled by a yelp, as I imagined April scooping her up and carrying her away.
When I was sure they’d left, I turned my head to James. He sat with his head held down, breathing deeply, as his bangs cloaked like a shield over his eyes. We didn’t speak, as I opened the first aid box, taking out the alcohol, and sanitized tweezers. I cleaned the tweezers with an antibacterial, before carefully plucking out the piece of glass stuck over his olive toned flesh. He gasped at the pain, but said nothing, as I placed the shard within a tissue paper from the kit.
While I ripped the alcohol pad open, pressing it over the dried blood on his arm, I could feel his eyes lift, following my movements. My heart pulsed, as I pressed a tan band aid over his skin, my index sliding over the material, securing it in place.
“There.” I spoke softly. “Done. Do you feel okay?”
He didn’t reply, but when I noticed his hands clench over his knees so tightly his knuckles turned pink, I couldn’t tell whether he was sad, upset, or anxious.
Maybe a little bit of each?
Feeling brave, I raised my head, meeting his glazed, tear brimmed stare. There was a kind of passion in his eyes, so much so, that I feared that if I didn’t walk away now, I never would. Without touching me, his eyes were caging me in place, telling me that I could not leave even if I tried.
But then that moment, like an autumn leaf, passed by, as I realized how much of an idiot I was being. He hurt me, and yet there I was, tending to his wounds, making him feel cared for. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve anything.
I stood, my heart suddenly feeling heavy.
“Leave,” I said. “I fixed your stupid cut, so now go. Leave!”
I was being mean, I was being awful to him, and maybe a bit too harsh, but in that moment, none of those thoughts mattered. I had placed a boarder in my heart, blocking him from entering, and it frustrated me that that very boarder was beginning to tumble down.
James lifted his head- tears spilling down his cheeks.
I looked to the side, my eyes beginning to water, as I exhaled a deep breath. A thick lump rested in the center of my chest, growing bigger, as I heard his muffled cries.
Just leave, Dorothy. If you don’t go now, you’ll never be able to. Leave the room! Go!
That’s right. I was right. I should have left then, walking out of the room, making him feel just as bad as he made me feel not too long ago.
But when he collapsed to the ground, falling by knees, his head bowed, I could only stand there, not knowing what to do.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice was choked, as he continued to stare at the ground- his tears soaked against my woolen carpet. “I have no excuse, but all I have to say is that I wasn’t ready for you. I wasn’t supposed to fall for you, but I did! Everything about you amazes me. I miss you nagging me to clean the house, I miss you waking me up in the mornings when I’m supposed to be at work, I miss the way your mouth curls up when you smile, and I swear, when you laugh, everything inside me, bursts like a million flames, burning my icy soul. My mom left me, Dory, and I thought, after this year ends, you’ll leave me too. I didn’t think you’d ever stay with a dick like me. All my life, I’ve only cared about what I want, and what I need. I’ve always been alone, pushing everyone away, but you’re the only one that tried to get inside me. When I hurt you, I did it to push myself away from you, because one day, you’re going to break my heart. You’re going to run away, and all I’ll have left of you are memories. And so, before you could hurt me, I decided to hurt myself first, by making you leave. It was the biggest mistake of my life, because after you left, I couldn’t breathe. I need you…I…I love you, Dory.”
He loved me?
A cold, eerie silence passed, as I took a step back, staring down at him. Tears had drenched against my cheek, sticking against my throat, as I inhaled a quick breath.
If I wanted revenge, I could have ripped his heart out then and there, for he was at his most vulnerable point. I could have told him what an asshole he was, and that he was right, I wouldn’t ever be with him.
But I couldn’t, for he had managed to show me a piece of his naked soul, baring his heart to me on a silver plate.
Keeping my eyes on his, I crouched down, kneeling before him so we were eye level. His watery gaze met mine- a small smile reaching his lips, as a glimmer of hope clouded over his handsome face.
“James,” I began. “Go home.”
“Will you come with me?”
I felt the pieces of my heart begin to shake, crumbling slowly apart, before ultimately- breaking.
“No.” I spoke softly. “This is goodbye.”
I should have escorted him out my room, but instead, I leaned towards his face, placing a light kiss on his cheek. His body froze. When I pulled apart, giving him a sad smile, he merely stared blandly, having nothing to say. Blinking slowly at me, he pressed a hand against his cheek, looking at me as though I’d slapped it instead.
We both stood, as I watched him take long strides towards the door, swinging it open. His back was straight, as he ran both hands through the thick main his hair, as though trying to pull himself together.
“It’s not goodbye,” he whispered. “It’s never goodbye. I might not be the best guy, but I promise you, I will love you until the day I die. And I don’t break my promises, Princess. Mark my words …I will make you love me back. Even if it kills me.”
Chapter Twenty Five
I couldn’t remember when or where, but I’d once heard of a saying, that the foundation of any relationship, whether it be business, friendship, or love- is trust. And if that foundation happened to crumble, even by a smidge- only a miracle could mold it back together.
James stood with his back to me, his hand still curled o
ver the knob, holding it open, as he stared at the hallway, exhaling a deep breath. His broad shoulders, slumped, while his other hand rested limp by his thigh, as I imagined what he was thinking.
Only moments ago he’d told me that he’ll make me somehow want him back. As if it was so easy to do. I wasn’t sure if I was insulted or flattered, but all I knew, was that he was reaching desperation. It was almost sad to see him like this, and though I knew I would never be with him, I didn’t have the heart to crush this imaginary hope he had. Not yet, anyway.
I pressed a hand over my head, suddenly feeling it throb, for a million thoughts ran through the valley of my mind, and I couldn’t decide which to say out first. Taking even steps towards him, I locked my gaze on the back of his white polo shirt, which was no longer pristine from hours earlier- but smeared, with patches of dirt.
I stood beside him, staring warily at his profile, at the way the edge of his full, nude lips, slipped downwards- revealing a handsome frown. The light from the hallway, streamed through my room, hitting the center of his chocolate brown eyes, giving it a kind of glow.
“You can’t exit this way,” I said. “My grandparents, and Aunt Molly and everyone is going to be back in a few minutes, and before they come, I’d like you to leave…through my window. It’s the safest exit. No one will see you—“
“You’re cruel.” He swung the door closed, and I nearly yelped, holding a hand against my heart.
I wasn’t expecting that.
James turned his head, staring sadly at me- his eyes red and worn out. He took slow steps towards me, like a lion towards its prey, as I stood there, not quite knowing where to move. There was an undefinable longing in his eyes- a kind of heart ache that I couldn’t find myself understanding, as he gazed at me in an almost pleading way.
I shouldn’t have stepped back, for it would make me appear cowardly, but at that moment, I was a coward. While he moved towards me, I took quick steps back, till my back hit the cold, dry wall.
My eyes could not meet his.
I turned my head to the side, staring at my brown, woolen carpet- my chest rising and falling like an oceans tide. Sirens were going off in my mind, telling me to push him back, yelling at me to escape out of this…situation.
