by A. C. Wilson
“What did my brother think of that?” Nora asked, the suspicion sneaking into her voice. It bothered Rayne.
More than a little judgment.
“Garrett agreed to help him.” Rayne shifted again and then got off the stool altogether. She wished she wasn’t being made to feel guilty about helping Blake out. “I think Garrett is worried there is something going on between Blake and me. I’m sure he thinks it is in my nature to bring home strays.” She couldn’t help the pain that edged into her voice. She couldn’t help pulling people in to her now. Before Garrett she had pushed them all away in hopes of ridding the dependency on what others thought about her. Now she pulled them closer. Perhaps not for what they thought, but for the comfort they gave to her. Sure it had been weird and strange to crave the existence of another human being after rejecting it for so long. Now she wondered if she would revert back to the empty façade she shared almost a year ago.
“You’re a veterinarian, Rayne. You are a healer by nature and it is no wonder that it spills over into the human side.” Nora opened the oven door again and pulled out the cookie sheet. Rayne tipped her head up and looked at the ceiling. “Does Garrett have anything to worry about?”
Rayne felt like she had been punched in the gut. All the air left her sails and her heart sunk to her feet.
Is this really what people think of me?
“You’re kidding, right? You of all people, Nora?” The anger and hurt in Rayne’s voice came out as a loud whisper. Of course Nora would look rather shocked at Rayne’s upset.
“Whoa, what?” Nora asked as she turned around. She tossed the pot holder onto the counter and her blue eyes glittered.
“After the hell you put Randy through, you are going to question me about my relationship with your brother? Oh, that’s good!” Rayne threw her hands up, her palms out in surrender. “If that is really what you think of me, then I guess there is no more to say on the subject.” Rayne moved hastily to the front door and tried to ignore the tears that pricked her eyes. This certainly hadn’t gone the way she wanted it to.
“But I…” Nora sputtered from her kitchen as Rayne exited the house. She couldn’t stand there and be judged by the one person she thought would understand what she was feeling. It was just too much to see any judgment there.
The day was heating up and it was no wonder. July had been hot and dry. August was shaping up to be the same. Rayne wondered what she would give for a hellish thunderstorm right now! Something angry, loud, and cleansing might settle her roiling stomach.
“I wasn’t judging you!” Nora’s voice called from behind her. Rayne threw an angry look in that direction. “I wasn’t, Rayne!”
Rayne got to her truck and turned ever so slighting toward Nora. Leaning her elbows on the hood of the vehicle, she bowed her head trying to gather her whirling thoughts. It was difficult to admit that Nora’s question had only pricked the painful sore of Rayne’s own thoughts. The gravel crunched under Nora’s feet as she shortened the distance between them. Rayne’s heart pounded furiously in her chest and the tears still pricked her eyes. She fought them. They only made her feel weak.
“It was a fair question, but I can’t say it doesn’t hurt to hear it.” Rayne’s gravelly voice spoke and she looked at the sun reflecting on the hood. Her hands pressed flat against the warm metal. Nora took up a position a few feet away and leaned against the hood.
“Oh Rayne, I know my brother has faults. Lord knows he has left a trail of broken hearts, but he loves you. I don’t want either one of you to get hurt unnecessarily.”
Rayne pressed her lips tightly together and tried to take a deep breath. She struggled to get the air past her swiftly closing throat.
“I don’t even know where to start.” Rayne’s voice broke and Nora reached out to put her hand over Rayne’s arm. The comforting gesture nearly broke all her reserved control. “I can’t get pregnant. Garrett doesn’t know yet.” The dam burst and the flood of tears broke over the crumbling wall Rayne had been so careful to erect. She could only rest her forehead against the metal and let the torrent flow. Her words must have stunned Nora, because she didn’t speak for many minutes.
“Are you sure?” Nora’s soft question only caused Rayne to cry harder. She wished that she wasn’t certain and that it was merely an insecurity. Rayne nodded her head in jerky motions.
“Something about when I lost my first baby and scar tissue.” She gulped and struggled to go on. “I….I don’t understand it all, but now I can’t get pregnant.” Great gasping sobs racked Rayne’s body. She hadn’t told anyone about any of this. She didn’t know how she could. How do you bring up a subject like this?
Poor Garrett.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” Nora crossed the distance between them and pulled Rayne into her arms. Rayne went without protest. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you. The world had definitely turned upside down. The future had looked so bright with the promise of home, family, and a child of her own.
A baby. Garrett’s baby.
That was probably the greatest wound she had ever received and it had to be far more painful than a bullet to the chest. This wound would bleed slowly, oozing and festering until the day she stepped away from the Earth.
“How. Can. I. Tell. Him?” Rayne started to hyperventilate as she let the emotions crash over her. Nora shook her head and tears slipped down her own cheeks. Rayne felt like her chest was going to explode and then pass out from the lack of air.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Nora choked back her own sobs as she held Rayne tightly. It was more like a death grip. Rayne couldn’t seem to stand upright anymore. Her knees began to buckle when she felt strong arms pull her back up. Startled by the change, she registered that Randy had secured an arm around her waist. Nora took the other side. Mercilessly silent, Randy moved them towards the front door of their home. Nora supported Rayne as they moved as one. The rest was a bit of a blur. Her brain was on overload and her whole emotional system in shock at how quickly the firm walls and foundations had disintegrated.
Randy steered them towards the couch in the living room and helped her sit. His hands were strong and gentle. Rayne looked, but there wasn’t a smidge of judgment on his face or in his eyes.
Good ol’ Randy. He is a saint.
Now she really wished she were drunk. Oblivion beckoned with a renewed sense of purpose. Somehow it also seemed too easy. Hiding had never served her well. Someone always found her. She curled up on the couch against the cushions and buried her face in the arm. Maybe she would just cry until there was nothing left. She didn’t know if it were possible, but she could try.
“Sweetie, I know it seems like it, but it’s not the end of the world.” Nora rubbed Rayne’s back in slow, soothing circles. “You are strong and healthy. You have a family who loves you and Garrett loves you.” Nora was still sniffling and Randy pressed a box of tissues into the plush couch next to them. He was still silent.
“I’m broken.” It came out high pitched and cracked. Rayne couldn’t believe it was her voice that has spoken.
“No, no, you’re not broken.” Nora cried.
I am broken. Oh yes, I am.
Rayne felt a new wave of panic and pain. The emotional pain threatened to push the physical her way. Her stomach felt like it would empty out all contents at any time. Silent communication must have been happening from confused husband to devastated wife while Rayne was inconsolable on the couch. It was the male voice that brought all focus to Randy.
“I see the way he looks at you when you come into view, Rayne. Garrett’s eyes light up like anything and everything he has ever wanted is right beside him. He doesn’t try to deny it. He never has really. That man will love you until the end of time and that doesn’t hinge on whether you can have children together.” He paused and Rayne fought hard to choke back her sobs. “You have to trust him to show you exactly that. You need to share this with him. Don’t push him away.” Randy’s own voice wavered and Rayne knew
he meant every word. From his own experience, he knew it was better to know what demons he had to face rather than those that snuck up behind him.
Rayne could only nod. She knew he was right. She just had no idea how she would ever tell Garrett.
How do you tell someone something like this when you can’t come to terms with it yourself?
“Randy is right, honey. My brother is stronger than you know. Trust him.” Nora blew her nose and patted Rayne’s back some more. The house was eerily quiet except for the sound of her heart breaking.
“Okay.” It was all she could say.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Bailey was grateful that Blake didn’t press her for more answers. It seemed enough at the moment for him to just be near her. Of course it was to keep her safe from a threat he knew nothing about, but it also seemed much like a tethering line. If he did something he knew how to do then it wouldn’t seem like he was drifting also. Yes, it was funny how she had pegged him. It was easy to see the bearing of a soldier and from the looks of it, Blake was a dedicated one. There wasn’t an inch of fat on him. He was chiseled, shorn and lithe. Even the intense wariness of his blue eyes spoke of senses that never closed down. More than once she felt fear creep into her heart and she would shiver.
What if he is more damaged than me?
What if he is dangerous?
Both were fair questions in their own rights. It was after those moments when she would catch a different glance in her direction. A smoldering passion banked in the depths and Bailey’s own fire would flare to life. It caused her chest to ache, her breath to catch and all pertinent thoughts to burst like bubbles in the air. It wasn’t easy to shake the lingering effects either. It was an utterly new sensation to be wanted and to want someone like Blake Phails.
“Okay, the buckets have been scrubbed.” Blake came up behind her and set down six rubber buckets used for water. She tried to hide the startled look on her face, but she didn’t think she had quite succeeded. Those handsome blue eyes clouded over at the realization of her emotions. Hastily she set about trying to dispel that look on his face. It frightened her. Although she knew it wasn’t aimed at her, she knew it was for her.
“Great. Thank you for doing that. The horses appreciate it.” Bailey leaned against her pitchfork and indicated the extra one that was resting against the empty stall door. “I moved Zeus so we can clean his stall. There is a new horse coming tomorrow and he will go in there.” She felt a renewal in excitement. Matt had been waiting for this horse for a few months now. Bailey knew everything needed to be clean, dry, and comfortable. Right now the used stall was an eye sore. Blake had his work cut out for him there. She watched as his arm muscles bunched, confined by the cotton t-shirt. The shirt did little to fade out the stimulating visual of a well-built man. Bailey felt her knees weaken and her palms started to sweat inside the leather gloves.
“I put the straw in the wheelbarrow?” Blake asked, the protective glint in his eyes turning to mischief. His grin was infectious. She pressed her lips together to keep from smiling openly at him. She simply nodded her head and went back to cleaning her own side of the barn out.
The manual labor gave her something to do when she was unsure of anything else. The therapy she got out of working was the kind no one else could offer, except Liberty. The Palomino mare was her own brand of special. Together they were whole and that unity had been a gift from her mother. The last real gift she was ever given. It had been a frivolous buy, especially when they didn’t have the money to begin with. Her stepfather was always drinking and out of work. Although at fifteen a girl didn’t think about where the money had come from to purchase the new pet. Bailey simply knew the moment that she saw those liquid brown eyes, her life was changed. She had a friend for life and Liberty had a home.
“You’re smiling.” The warmth of Blake’s tone melted into the beautiful daydream. She nodded slightly and cast a glance at him.
“I was just thinking of the day I got Liberty. It’s such an exciting time when you get to be a caretaker of another live thing.” Bailey put her pitchfork back to work and began raking.
“It is a huge responsibility to care for another life. It doesn’t always go the way you plan.” Blake’s voice took on a haunted sounded and his movements stilled. Bailey leaned thoughtfully against her tool and rested her cheek against her glove fisted around the wood pole.
“If I have learned anything it is that you can’t always protect those you love. There are forces much too big and eager to do the job. We are only human.” She tipped her head as she watched him. His lids closed and the corners wrinkled at the edge of his eyes in pain. She knew she had hit close to home. Blake wasn’t an open book by any means, but pain recognized pain. Eerily, it was as simple as that.
“It was my job and I was good at it.” Blake’s voice turned gravelly and it held Bailey enthralled to hear it. “I lost friends-very, very good friends.” His fingers turned white at how tightly he clung to the wooden handle. She felt her stomach fall somewhere towards her feet. Her heart sped up and beads of sweat began to slide down her back into the top of her jeans. No sounds dared enter into the living silence of the building. Bailey could only describe it as a match being lit only inches away from a fuse that would detonate without hesitation. Her hands trembled, but she kept very still. Shoring up her fear, Bailey willed her breathing to stop coming in puffs.
“Someone once told me that luck has nothing to do with where we end up in life.” Bailey was irritated that her voice wavered. Taking another deep breath, she verbally reached out for him again. “So it seems that there might be a plan after all.” Bailey waited to see if she crossed over that imaginary line between sound objective and “don’t-ever-use-that-again” advice. Blake’s chest rose and fell as he tried to get ahold of his breathing. His lips were pressed in a hard line, but his lids slowly came open. Running a hand up and down his jaw, he looked at her thoughtfully.
“A fucked up plan.” The growl was still there in his voice, but it was softer. Clearly he was easing his way back from the brink of total annihilation. Bailey took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“Yes, it really is.”
The next two hours went quickly. They both worked without sharing any more confidences. Secrets, unshared information, only bound the tethers more tightly and it wasn’t a wise decision. For her, he was leaving soon. For him, she was a shattered wreck still in the midst of no-rules battle. A relationship would be messy. It had the power to destroy more than just her heart.
The stalls were clean, the horses watered and fed. Declan had stopped to say goodnight on his way home. He and Blake shared a quiet confidence. It probably shouldn’t have, but it irritated her that they discussed her in private. It was easy to tell that she was the topic of conversation as they kept looking in her direction. It made apprehensive prickles sneak up her arms and legs, only making her more anxious and irritated.
Blake joined her at the round pen as she was clipping Liberty’s lead rope onto her bridle. The mare snorted and it made Bailey roll her eyes in agreement. She loosened the gate as Blake walked up and he pulled it open the rest of the way. She didn’t look at him as she led Liberty out and Bailey nearly giggled when the mare’s tail swatted in Blake’s direction.
Liberty we need to work on your aim.
“What?” He rolled his shoulders up and then he walked the gate closed. Bailey grumbled under her breath. He jogged up beside them, keeping a good ten feet from Liberty. Bailey glanced at him from the corner of her eye. He acted as if he hadn’t a clue what she was miffed about and yet, how could he not know?
“Oh come on!” Bailey spat out. Blake’s brows lifted in surprise. “You can’t talk to Declan about me and then come over here as if I now exist.” She narrowed her brown eyes at him and continued walking Liberty to the barn. Waves of irritation rolled off of her and Bailey felt in control for the moment. She didn’t feel weak. It would only last moments, she knew, and then she would apologize
for acting so surly.
“Bailey, I’m sorry.” Blake lengthened his stride to catch up. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You’ve been through so much today.” His tone was sympathetic and for whatever reason it stung her. Halting Liberty, Bailey narrowed her eyes at Blake who skidded to a stop. Her hands knotted in the lead rope.
“You were worried about me feeling uncomfortable with people talking behind my back? That’s all they have done my entire life so I’m sorry if I thought you were different.” Turning on her heel, Bailey stormed off with Liberty trotting behind. She was so furious that all she saw was red. Thankfully she could take care of Liberty in her sleep and that is exactly what it felt like. All her conscious thoughts were aimed at Blake. He had no right to waltz in here and act as if he were the Savior of all the tortured souls.
Not all the tortured souls, Bailey, just yours.
One final pat on the mare’s neck and Bailey marched out of there. Sliding the heavy doors closed, she was able to exert some of the bottled energy. It only served her in recognizing how exhausted she truly was. All she really wanted to do was go up to her loft, lock the door, and crawl under the covers. She’d be especially happy if she could stay there until morning.
“Declan was only asking if I needed him to help. He cares about you too.” Blake’s voice was lowered, but it was hard to miss the authoritarian quality that bolstered it. She slipped by him as her pulse thundered in her ears.
“I don’t know why I even allow you so close to me. It isn’t your mission to save me, Blake. You owe me no loyalty.” Fisting her hands, Bailey set out across the gravel driveway towards the loft apartment. Her anger was waning and she knew it.
“No, what is not fair is you pushing someone away who might actually care about you!” His hand reached around to pull at her shoulder and Bailey spun to face him. Her hand pressed to the spot that his had only been moments ago.
