Pelo threw his hands up in the air. “So stubborn,” he said with pride and he stomped out of the room animatedly. It was so strange having him in my life, and I could only trust him moment by moment. But those moments were getting longer and more significant. What I needed to let go of was that he wasn’t the father I remembered and, more importantly, he wasn’t going to run out on me.
Matthew retired to his office, where he had set up a cot. Poor Matthew. I hoped he slept tonight.
I kicked my shoes off and crawled into the bed next to Orry’s. Joseph went to climb into one of the other beds.
“Come here,” I said, patting the very narrow patch of bed left. He shrugged and lay down, facing me.
“It’s a bit tight, don’t you think?” he asked in amusement.
I wrapped my leg around him, my arm under his neck, and pulled myself closer. “Yeah, I might fall out.”
“Nah, I’ve got ya,” he said, folding his big arm around my back and under my waist.
“I know,” I whispered.
It was quiet for a while, and I could feel him relaxing and his arm going slack. I pulled up the side guard with a jerk. “But, just to be safe.”
He chuckled, and the whole bed shook. It was so good to welcome that sound back into my life.
I turned my head to the ceiling, the bars of fluorescent lights crisscrossing the rock above. I imagined them parting, the roof ripping open like a broken spider’s web, a hole revealing the sky. It was dark and blue, stars shining like pinpricks of light. Clara was up there, and she held out a hand to Apella. Shyly, she took it.
Look after each other.
Don’t forget that because of you, the boy will live.
The next morning, I awoke to a sound that tore right through me. That charged my body and broke open a hundred walled-up, nailed-in parts of me.
Orry’s cry.
When Orry reached twelve months of age, he started eating many solid foods. I wasn’t sure how we managed to avoid the beans up until then. I think it was just dumb luck. It was a serious hereditary disorder. And what Matthew said was right, inside Orry’s body was a warzone, his blood cells exploding and coursing through his veins like shreds of a popped balloon. The transfusion replaced the damaged cells, but he would always have to be careful about what he ate. One mouthful would kill him if blood was not on hand.
Once we knew Orry was going to make a full recovery, the grief set in and all we wanted was some way to lay her to rest. Alexei didn’t want a funeral or a big gathering. He decided to bury her above ground in the center of an old, ruined cottage. It had no roof and a breezing peppercorn tree grew up past the walls, its pink, beaded branches hanging wistfully and covering the windows like a curtain. The sky was framed by crumbling stone walls, like an old photo turning in at the edges.
We left her there, a few words and a pile of stones to mark her end. But there was so much more. Looking at the boy on my hip, I knew she’d always be in him. She was the reason he even existed in the first place, and she saved him. She strived so hard to make up for what she had done and, in Orry and Hessa, she found her redemption. Bouquets of flowers were placed down and then we walked away.
There were others to save.
I grabbed a handful of peppercorns, popping them from the branches and squeezing them tight in my hand. I had to make this a small part of my life. Losing Apella, Orry getting sick, I had to condense it, feel it, but move on. I couldn’t let it drown out the reasons for still living. I couldn’t let the worry consume me. She gave her last moments for Orry, and we would turn those moments into a lifetime for her.
*****
You’re precious. But is your life worth more than the others? I’m trying really hard to forget, but they’re part of you. They are your brothers and sisters, and they’re suffering. Dying. If I don’t help, if I keep you safe and let everybody else crumble and fall around me, then I’m no mother. I’m selfish and undeserving.
“We need to have an adult discussion,” I said to Joseph as we walked back towards the train station.
“Mhm.” Joseph raised his eyebrows in amusement. He grabbed Orry and put him on his steady, broad shoulders.
“We need to convince Gus to send a team to Este. We can’t let this happen to anyone else. For all we know, it’s already happening.” I slapped out the words in a hurry.
The sun glowed behind the two-headed creature. Orry’s eyes were wide and slightly frightened every time Joseph jumped over a stone. I didn’t want to be the one to go back. I didn’t want to leave him. Not now, when the wounds were still so brittle and open.
“He won’t go for it,” Joseph muttered as Orry pulled his hair in his hands like two reins.
“Maybe this is the push they need. Maybe now we can get them to consider fighting.”
I ticked over the list in my head. The Superiors could easily find out we were here. If they returned for some reason, we’d be trapped. Their breeding program was failing. More children would get sick. Even if they didn’t have Orry’s condition, they could have several others that weren’t screened for. Lastly, I still believed if we showed those images to the Woodland citizens, we would have a good chance of causing the seeds of dissidence to take root. It was a risk, but how long could we go on living like this? Why did Gus get to decide?
“Rosa, what are you thinking about?” Joseph smiled and caught me with his eyes. I shook free of the trap of green and gold.
“This isn’t the Woodlands.”
“Uh… yeah, I know…”
“It’s time to vote.”
I’d convinced Gus to let me address the whole community. Nerves were rattling my fingers as I scribbled down my thoughts, crossed them out, and started again.
“Do you want me to do it?”
I scowled up at him. “No, Joseph.”
“Can I read it?” He held out his palm for my scrap of paper.
“No.”
I hated being the center of things, but I hated doing nothing more. I had an idea of what I wanted to do, but getting it out on paper was hard. I wasn’t smart like Joseph. I could knock stuff together, carve a leg, get into trouble, but make a convincing speech? My doubts were etched into every scratched-out word.
I screwed up the paper and threw it in the corner. I couldn’t map this. I wasn’t submitting plans for a house. I just had to say what I knew, how I felt, and hope they would listen.
*****
I held Orry on my hip. He was my gurgling, drooling security blanket. Gus cleared his throat and shouted down to the mass of people huddled together near the channel of water. My father beamed up at me proudly, with his palms pressed into his back. All eyes were either staring at Orry or giving me curious glances.
“Rosa would like to address the settlement. As always, every voice shall be heard, even our younger companions.” He cast his hazel eyes my way disparagingly. “We will hear her, and we will vote.”
He stepped back and gave me the floor, which was really a small, worn patch of stone. I looked down at my feet, noticing the ripple pattern scooped into the rock, as a drop of water hit the top of my head.
I thought I would start softly, ease them into it but… Oh Addy, I hope this is what you meant.
“We will all die if we stay here,” I yelled out across the crowd. Whatever murmurs were going on before I started speaking stopped dead, the rush of water narrowing down a tunnel the only sound passing over us.
“Whether it’s soon or six months from now, they will come back. We’ve seen what they’re capable of. We’ve all lost so much, too much. Are you willing to lose everything?” I put my hand to my chest and thumped it. “Death is following us and if we stop moving, then it’s done, it’s over.” The faces were devastated, so much sadness pulling all their mouths down. But stuck in here that was all we had, sadness and waiting. We had to get up. We had to fight.
I grasped the charm around my neck, something that had swung dormant from each of our necks for too long. “I am a survivor.
I live beyond the wall. I give shelter to those that need it. I am not chosen, but I choose to live.”
Hands went to throats, rubbing away at the sloth of inaction that had taken over for months.
“Those babies need our protection, our help. The citizens of the Woodlands deserve a choice.”
Hands start shooting up in the air like unfurling seedlings.
Gus stepped forward, waving his hands fervently. “Wait, wait, I haven’t told you to vote yet.”
“It doesn’t matter, Gus, she’s right. We’re Survivors. We’ve been lost and wounded, for too long.” Other hands moved up, creating a field of unwavering support swaying like grass in the breeze. I let my lips creep into a smile, while my heart was beating so fast I thought it might give out.
“What do you propose we do?” someone yelled from the back of the crowd. It was a hopeful voice.
“We offer the solution, the treatment we found for Orry, in exchange for Deshi. He’s the only one with the skills to help us project our surveillance into the sky for everyone to see,” I said, sweeping my hand in the sky, projecting an imaginary billboard.
Pietre hobbled forward. “What are we supposed to do? Just walk up to the Superiors’ compound and knock politely on the wall?”
I shrugged. “Well… yes.”
“No one’s going to volunteer for that mission. It’s too dangerous,” he replied, shaking his head.
“I’ll go,” a voice thundered from the front of the crowd. A voice I knew. A voice I loved too much to let him go alone.
“Then so will I,” I said under my breath.
*****
It was voted by almost the entire community that we would do something. The grains of a plan were starting to drop and pile together, Gus begrudgingly leading the way. We would split into eight groups as we had when we retrieved the Spiders. We would travel together to the Superiors’ compound, but only two people would proceed inside. Gus was adamant about this. He didn’t want to waste lives. We would carry what we thought Deshi would need to adapt the discs. If the two were successful, Deshi would do the necessary adjustments for the eight discs. The groups would separate and plant them at each compound. A message at the end of each video would urge them to fight back for their daughters, their children. It was a loose plan. It was a long shot, but I had to believe it was worth it.
*****
Pietre knocked on the inside of my scraped-out dwelling. I knew it was him, because the knocking was impatient and aggressive.
He limped in, his face awkward and hot.
“Ahem. Rosa, I have a proposal for you.”
I laughed. “I think we’re a bit past proposals, aren’t we?”
He stumbled a little and caught himself on the wall.
“I’ll take the child for you. Careen and I.”
I guess my face said it all, because he looked instantly annoyed and offended.
“You needn’t look so surprised. Just because you and I don’t get along does not mean I’m incapable of caring for him.”
“But… why?” I couldn’t understand why he would offer such a thing and what he could possibly want in return.
He leaned against the wall, his chest heaving slowly, sadly. “I need to be useful. I can’t go with the others on this mission, and I damn well won’t stay here. You were right; we’ve all been lost for too long, hanging on to our grief like a life preserver…”
I arched an eyebrow at his words. I didn’t know what exactly a life preserver was, but I thought I caught the meaning. It was wrapped up with not wanting to let go but having to.
My hands were trembling. How could I leave Orry? But at the same time, how could I stay and just let it happen? The death, the threat… they would come for us eventually anyway. Maybe, at least this way, we could try to stop it, try to save everyone. The choice was impossible.
Pietre tapped his foot impatiently. “Well…?”
I stood, pulling my hair back into a rough ponytail. “I need to speak to Joseph first,” I said.
He snorted. “Well, you know where to find me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I’ll just listen out for the sound of wood clunking against rock.”
He sort of smiled-grimaced and walked out as best he could.
Could I trust Pietre with Orry? We respectfully disliked each other but the answer was yes, I could trust him. I knew he would die before he let anything happen to Orry, and I knew Careen would be warrior enough for both of them.
I slipped on my shoes and went to find Joseph.
How do we leave you? My heart’s torn in more pieces than I can count. To be good parents, to be the people we want you to look up to, we have to do this.
I don’t know how we’ll leave. But I don’t know how we can stay.
Joseph sat with his legs hanging over the edge of the channel. His limbs were spread wide, his gaze somewhere deep in the black water. The image struck me like a flash of old light; Joseph sitting atop the pillar at the gate to Ring Three. It clawed at me uncomfortably. I didn’t wish things had been different, not exactly. I was glad Pelo had sent this giant, beautiful blond man my way. But it had never been easy. We fought so hard to get to where we were. Addy’s words came back to me in an echoing swirl, mixing with the swish and silk sounds of the water spitting at Joseph’s feet.
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and struggle… life would be a bit boring if it were.” She’d said it to me with a wink, just after my attack. I wiped a casual tear from my cheek that seemed to appear without me noticing. Our lives were certainly not boring.
I sat down next him, feeling a cold pinch from the icy stones. “Whatchya thinking?” I asked, nudging his shoulder gently.
He turned to me, his face shrouded in murky, brown shadows. “You’re not mad?”
I shrugged. “No, not really. But you know I’m coming with you, right?”
He crept his arm around my waist and pulled me into his lap. “Yeah, I figured.”
He returned his gaze to the running water. I shivered as sprays of mist rose and coated my thinly clad legs. He noticed and held me closer.
“You’re just trying to work out how to leave, aren’t you?” I asked. It was the same thing I wrestled with.
“Yes.”
“Me too,” I said, resting my head against his chest as he smoothed wisps of my hair down on top of my head.
We both sat there for a long time, waiting for something to tell us it was okay. Maybe a revelation waited at the bottom of the water, like a pebble that would rise up and tell us that we were making the right decision. But nothing came.
We talked it over. Discussed it like a real, grown-up couple. This was the most important decision we would ever make.
In the end, it really came down to what we could live with. And we couldn’t live with this or like this anymore.
We grasped hands and climbed back towards our room where Orry was sleeping.
I stumbled over the black rock and slipped. I wouldn’t let go of Joseph’s hand, and it affected my balance. Funny when he was the only thing that really gave me any semblance of balance. My father, even Rash, sometimes threw me off, flung shifting plates under my feet. But my father also sent Joseph my way. I laughed in the dark.
Joseph tugged my hand. “What so funny?”
I squeezed his fingers tighter. “Nothing. It’s just…”
“What?” He pulled me back and made me sit down. All I could see was a shadow that I knew was concerned for me, so I talked to it. Safely.
“Do you regret it?” I whispered, aware of the clinking and shuffling of people in their bedrooms. “I mean, my father sending you to me like he did…”
I could see a vague shaking from side to side. “Never.” My heart swelled.
I tapped my leg anxiously, nervous to ask the question. Just spit it out. “Can you tell me about him?”
He chuckled. “It’s taken you a long time to ask me that question, but why now? Why d
on’t you ask him yourself?”
I rolled my achy shoulders, wondering the same thing. “It’s because he makes me see red; I don’t know how to talk to him without anger getting in the way. Do you know what I mean?”
Joseph placed his hand on my leg and rubbed my thigh. “I do. What do you want to know?”
“All of it, but maybe start with why he sent you after me,” I said clearly, curiosity gaining momentum.
“Well, that’s easy. Because he loves you. I could see it in those weird eyes of his every time he asked about you,” he said, digging me in the ribs playfully with his elbow.
I snorted, even though I knew it was true. Because even if he loved me, it couldn’t have been much to leave me with Paulo.
“Ok, if that’s true, why didn’t he come find me?” My tone was turning whiny. I didn’t like it, but it hurt that he’d left me to fend for myself against the tyrannical Paulo.
“He wanted to, I could tell, but he told me your mother had information on him that would get him killed. And if he went near you, she would report him.” I sighed. Of course, my mother knew what he was. And maybe, in her own weird way, she was trying to protect me. Dead wishes surfaced. She could have been here with me now.
“I wish he’d tried harder, found a way to see me, at least let me know he was alive,” I said, staring up at the reflective, black ceiling.
“I’m sure he regrets it.” Joseph sounded unsure. “But maybe there was no way to protect his secret and see you.” I folded the thoughts because they were useless to me now. There was always a way. Sometimes it was harder but if you wanted it enough, you just found the answer. If he had given up being a Spider he could have seen me, saved me from Paulo.
I leaned my head on Joseph’s shoulder and remembered the good. “I guess it doesn’t really matter now, does it? Tell me what he was like as a teacher.”
The Wounded (The Woodlands Series) Page 18
