Only in My Arms

by Jo Goodman

  Mary stared at the ground, hugging herself. She was confused and hurt, and understood less than half of what was truly in her heart.

  "Whatever your feelings toward me, I ask that you not share them with N'de—the people."

  She shot him a narrowed glance. "Because it would embarrass you?"

  "Because it would be an embarrassment to Naiche."

  Mary looked away. It was growing darker and the cold seemed to press against her skin from both sides. "Very well," she said quietly. "But this changes nothing between us." Even as she said it, she knew it wasn't true. Everything had changed.

  * * *

  The public dance which Mary and Ryder joined when they reached the encampment was a lively affair. Mary would have liked to watch, but her participation was expected and she was guided through the steps by giggling, good-natured women—all sisters or cousins or nieces of Josanie. They laughed helplessly, though not unkindly, as Mary performed her part in the dance, and to show their appreciation of her attempts, they incorporated her faltering steps among their own.

  When it was over they admired Mary's dress, fingering the fringe and commenting excitedly over the fit and handiwork. As they did so, she realized who it was she had to thank for the garments, and catching Josanie's dark, watchful gaze, she made a slight bow in acknowledgment. Josanie's stern mouth softened slightly.

  Ryder rescued his wife from her curious admirers and brought her to sit beside him near one of the small fires that were now dotting the encampment. "We can't stay much longer," he told her. "In the morning they'll move their camp. We must be long gone by then. There can be no evidence that they harbored us."

  That bore the danger home to Mary. "Mama and Jay Mac will say nothing," she said. At least not to the authorities, she thought. But they wouldn't keep it from family. Jarret would learn of it, and he would come looking for her, using whatever landmarks her parents could recall to pick up her trail.

  Watching her closely, her profile etched by warm firelight, Ryder asked, "What's troubling you?"

  Mary cast him a sideways glance. "Nothing." She wasn't convincing, and he wasn't convinced. She was saved from another probe by the arrival of their food. Bean mush was served, with just a hint of meat to flavor it and cornbread as an accompaniment. Mary, who thought her palate had been deadened by weeks of eating tinned vegetables, found the meal spicy and satisfying. Later there were small pink cakes made with sugared yucca fruit and decorated with sunflower petals. Mary knew intuitively that these were a very special treat and it was an honor to be served them.

  There was a lot of joking and teasing while the meal was being consumed. Mary understood little of the content, but the gist of it generally required no interpreter. She was startled to hear Ryder laugh out loud as he was targeted by his friends for another round of affectionate banter. The laughter started deep in his chest, rumbling with enough force for Mary to feel the vibration. It felt like tiny sparks alighting on the surface of her skin, touching her with a flash of heat before they vanished. She wasn't certain she wanted to be touched by his laughter.

  She was still a little dazed by its effect when she found herself being ushered to the edge of the camp. She remained there, just as Ryder asked, while he spoke privately with his father. Several other men, men Mary had noted had carried special influence and respect among the Chiricahua, joined Ryder and Naiche. Their conversation lasted only a few minutes, but Mary gathered by the tone and gesturing that the words that were exchanged were not to be taken lightly.

  She raised her eyes questioningly as Ryder returned to her side. "You've made your farewell?"

  He nodded. "My father wanted to tell me where the band is going next, but the council questioned the wisdom of it. They're afraid I'll want to join them again."

  "Would you?"

  "I would be tempted," he admitted. He put one hand on the small of her back and urged her forward along the trail. A crescent moon lighted the path until the canopy of pine blocked it. "But they're right to be concerned that the Army could stumble upon them through me. I can wait until they're ready for me to find them."

  Mary was quiet for a long time, concentrating on not stumbling over a raised root or fallen branches. She recognized the clearing when they came upon it the second time, even though the basket of water had been removed.

  It was here that Ryder picked up the bundle of their discarded clothes. He gave Mary his flannel shirt to put over her beaded shirt. "That slip of a moon makes you an easy target," he explained when she told him she was warm enough. He had no problem gaining her cooperation after that. He let her take the lead until their ascent became steep enough for her to require his assistance.

  "They didn't appear to have many guns," she said, as Ryder helped her over a rocky incline.

  "You noticed that." What he noticed was that she tore her hand away from his as quickly as possible. "What did you think about it?"

  "At first I wondered if they had them hidden."

  "And?"

  "And that didn't make sense. If you need a rifle for protection you don't hide it so precious seconds are lost retrieving it. Of course, if you need the rifles to mount an attack you may hide them until you've marshaled your forces."

  Darkness hid Ryder's faint smile. It was hard to believe she'd been a nun for so many years and not an Army strategist. "So what have you concluded?"

  "They don't have any guns. Those people were more wary of being attacked than intent on attacking. I don't mean that they wouldn't fight," she added, concerned that Ryder might believe she thought Naiche's people lacked courage. "I know they would fight with whatever is available, just as I know that what's available isn't guns."

  "What about gold?" he asked. "That's what they were supposed to have gotten from the raid."

  Mary considered his question a moment before she answered. "I think if they'd really gotten the gold they'd have bought guns by now."

  "Why?" he pressed.

  She hesitated, letting the logic of her reasoning settle in her mind, testing its soundness against other possibilities. "Because no one who wants to travel light and fast can afford to be burdened by too many possessions."

  "Perhaps they've hidden it." He helped her up again, this time bringing her flush with his body. He heard her catch her breath, but he suspected it wasn't the climb that had caused her to lose it in the first place. She was looking up at him, her eyes wide, her lips slightly parted as she sipped the air. He bent his own head a fraction. His voice was hushed. "What do you think?"

  Mary was mesmerized by the sliver of light edging his hard profile, the way it touched the line of his brow, shaped his nose, and polished the corner of his mouth. He had asked her a question. It hung in the slip of a space between their mouths, but she couldn't remember what it was. She was having a hard time recalling that earlier in the day she was certain she hated him.

  "Well?"

  Mary blinked. "I don't think they've hidden it, because it's not their way. They would have wanted to make the trade quickly. The gold's really useless to them except as barter for guns."

  "You have a very good mind, Mrs. McKay." He turned quickly and started up the trail again. He had no difficulty imagining the fierceness of Mary's expression. It was in her voice as she hurried after him.

  "I'm not Mrs. McKay," she said sharply.

  His tone was a pleasant contrast to hers. "In my eyes you are."

  "Well, damn your eyes."

  Ryder merely grinned.

  "I mean it," she called after him. "That wasn't a wedding we had today."

  "It was to me." Before she could damn him again he added, "I recall you not wanting a marriage at all."

  "I didn't... I don't."

  "Then..." His voice trailed off expectantly.

  Mary's confusion had made her lose her pace. Now she ran to catch up, the beaded fringe jangling lightly. She pulled on Ryder's buckskin shirt from behind, used it to raise herself up, and scrambled around him, taking the high ground.
In her haste she had forgotten that with Ryder it rarely mattered if she captured the high ground.

  He dropped the bundle of clothes and grabbed Mary. His palms anchored her at the waist and kept her steady. She was so slender and lithe that his fingers almost met in the clasp. Her own hands skimmed his shoulders, fluttered momentarily, and then rested there.

  She couldn't think what she wanted to say.

  Ryder helped her. "Cruel bastard?" he asked. "Heartless son of a bitch?"

  Mary was glad for the darkness that hid her flaming face. It was difficult to meet his eyes. "My parents were returned safely?" she asked.

  "You have my word. Neither was harmed."

  "There were bruises on my father's wrists. I saw them when he took my mother's arm."

  "Your father wasn't very cooperative in the beginning. He had to be bound."

  It was as Mary had suspected. "You didn't win a friend there," she told him softly. "In general, Jay Mac likes his sons-in-law. In the past he's tried to handpick them. I don't suppose he thinks much of you now."

  Ryder's smile was faint. "In Apache the word for son-in-law means he-who-lifts-burdens-for-me. There's an expectation that the bride's husband will care for her family."

  Mary tried to imagine how Ryder could ever hope to fulfill that role in her family. John MacKenzie Worth controlled millions of dollars, thousands of miles of track, and hundreds of employees. Neither Moira, nor any of his daughters, had wanted for anything that money could provide. "I'm fairly certain Jay Mac won't have that expectation."

  Ryder's smile deepened. "Probably not." He bent his head slightly and rested his forehead against Mary's. "Is there anything else you want to say?"

  She closed her eyes briefly. "I wanted to spend more time with them. I hated you for not letting me do that."

  "I know."

  "I wouldn't have returned with them, not unless it was what you wanted. I had already made my decision about remaining with you."

  Ryder's heart slammed in his chest, and he released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

  "I just wanted to reassure them... explain."

  "I know that, too."

  Mary nodded. Earlier she had been too full of her own anguish to hear properly, and Ryder's explanation to Jay Mac had made little sense. She had had time to think about it as she was in the company of Naiche and Josanie and the score of others who made up the first family group. She witnessed the reverence one accorded one's relatives, the respect a husband had for his mother-in-law, the affectionate teasing between a brother and his sisters. The elders were valued for their wisdom born of experience, and the babies were lovingly protected by charms and amulets hung on the frames of their cradleboards. "It was a great honor you did me by having my parents brought to the ceremony."

  In response Ryder placed a light kiss between Mary's brows. He hadn't expected her to see it that way.

  "And a great risk to so many people," she added. "Why would you do that, Ryder? Why risk so much?"

  "Do you really not know?" This time when his mouth touched her it was at the corner of her eye. His lips trailed along the curve of her cheek then pressed the sensitive hollow just behind her ear. He felt her breathing quicken and her fingertips leave their imprint on his soft buckskin shirt.

  Ryder whispered her name against her skin, and his breath was like a brand. She leaned into him and raised her mouth. He covered it with his own, crushing her lips in a hard, hot kiss that seemed to last just this side of forever. His hands slid from her waist to her hips and then cupped her bottom, raising her just enough to cradle him in the cleft of her thighs. She moved against him, the rhythm instinctive, yet innocent.

  Ryder eased her back gently and separated their bodies with a small space of air. His breathing was ragged. He could hardly hear hers. Night sheltered them, but this was not what Ryder wanted for the first time with her. "I have to take you back to the cavern," he said. His voice was a rough whisper as he struggled for control. His hands were resting on her bottom. He slid them up to the small of her back. She was still leaning toward him, and he could make out the line of her full mouth. The taste of her was on his tongue as he spoke. "This is no place for us."

  "It's not safe for us?" she asked.

  "Something like that."

  "Oh." Mary didn't want to move. She felt his absence keenly. Her breasts were swollen now, the nipples raised; and the ache to be pressed to Ryder's chest again was physical. She removed her hands from his shoulders and, not knowing what to do with them, crossed them in front of her. It was a poor substitute for his arms, but the ache subsided fractionally. She regretted the loss of his hands on her waist. Cold seemed to penetrate her there and she shivered.

  Ryder adjusted the flannel shirt across her shoulders. "You never quite get used to the change in temperature in the winter desert."

  "I can adjust to that," she said under her breath. "It's people who blow hot and cold I can't tolerate."

  Ryder thought it better that he pretend not to have heard. He did what he could to repair the trail they had disrupted with their scrambling, and then he urged Mary ahead of him on the flatter ground. He noticed she covered the terrain with more agility than she had shown earlier in the day. Was she eager or merely determined? With Mary it was probably a bit of both.

  A delicious sense of anticipation returned to Ryder, and this time he could embrace it. Ahead of him he watched Mary's lithe figure clamber effortlessly over rocks and fairly dance along the winding trails. She tantalized him with an occasional glimpse of her thigh as the skirt split with her stride and the beaded fringe swung across her white skin. His eyes followed the sway of her narrow hips and the stretch of her long legs. Sometimes she turned, spearing him with an over-the-shoulder glance that made him want to abandon common sense and take her standing up against the nearest tree.

  It was hours before they reached the mouth of the cavern. There had been an ebb and flow to their foreplay, moments when they were merely intent on putting one foot in front of the other followed by an innocent helping hand that led to a lingering touch or a husky murmur of thanks.

  Mary would have entered the cavern immediately but Ryder caught her, lifted her, and carried her across the threshold. The symbolism was not lost on her. She was still smiling widely when he turned to her after lighting the lantern.

  His fingers brushed back the hair at Mary's temple. He watched her intently. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?" he asked.

  Her smile faded. She looped her arms around his shoulders and stood on tiptoe. "No," she whispered. "But I'm hoping you'll show me."

  Chapter 9

  Ryder laid his lips against her forehead and then drew back. Her mouth was hungry for a kiss but he refused the invitation. "We'll never make it back if I start kissing you now," he said.

  Mary didn't know that she cared all that much. Something of her thoughts showed in the sulky line of her mouth.

  Watching her, Ryder sighed. "You make it very tempting."

  She smiled. "That's all right, then." Mary gave him her back and said dutifully. "You may blindfold me now."

  Ryder touched the bandana at his forehead then let his hand fall away. He raised the lantern so light showered the area where they stood. The fingers of his other hand stroked the back of Mary's neck lightly. "Not this time," he said quietly. "Come. I'll show you the way."

  Mary wasn't entirely certain she wanted this particular gift. It would mean that she wasn't a prisoner any longer, that she would have the route to leave him if she had the will to use it. The trust he was placing in her began to feel more like a burden. Then she remembered his warnings about finding her way out. Where would she go? She had no concept of the direction of the fort or of the distance she might have to travel. Getting from their interior chamber to the cavern's mouth was only a small part of the journey. It was a little like understanding how a lock worked but not being given the key.

  Ryder understood her hesitation. His hand slipped from her
nape, down her spine, and settled at the small of her back. "Have you worked it out?" he asked.

  She nodded, glancing over her shoulder. "I think so."

  "Good." He gave her a small push in the direction they should go. "I wasn't inviting you to leave me."

  The secret to finding their chamber was all in knowing what to look for. The signs were there, and they were all the same... yet different. A straight line was always used to indicate direction at any juncture in the path, but the line might be only three small stones set along the edge of the route. Sometimes the line was lightly marked on the ceiling of the passageway, at other times it was hidden on the underside of a rock. A circle was used to indicate a wrong turn in the route and a diagonal line meant danger. Ryder pointed out to Mary that the way to the chamber hundreds of bats called home was indeed marked with a diagonal line.

  "How would I have known?" she asked, staring at the faint marking in the arch of the chamber's entrance.

  "You wouldn't. And no one else would either. These signs were for Joe Panama and later for me. They're not supposed to mean anything to anyone." Ryder's fingertip traced a light diagonal path across Mary's cheek. When she looked at him questioningly, he said, "Because you're the most dangerous thing in this place right now." Then he took her hand and pulled her along the passageway.

  She was out of breath with excitement rather than exertion by the time they reached their chamber. As she took off Ryder's shirt, he placed the lantern near their stone shelf-bed and lighted another one. "I want to see you," he said.

  Mary's eyes widened fractionally. She was flattered and a little frightened.

  "You're too far away."

  She realized that once he had released her hand she hadn't moved. She was still standing near the entrance to the chamber, hovering actually, as if bolting down the passageway was still an option.