by Poppet
Stop thinking that; he's looking at you again. I stare at his captivating blues defined by dark, haughty eyebrows and long eyelashes.
"I needed to tell you something."
Like what? You have AIDS? And I might too?
"I'm listening."
"It's hard for me to say."
You are making me nervous! How bad can it be? I'll kill you if you've given me some life threatening disease.
I stare.
He walks back, and sits down on the coffee table. His knees an inch away from mine. He puts one self-assured hand on my knee, stares deep into my eyes and tells me, "I love you."
I recoil from him. No. No. No. Gary, don't you dare fuck with my head and my heart again! Why must you torment me like this?
The hand tightens, "Stefanie, listen to me. I'm not trying to hurt you. I just don't want you to leave without knowing how much I love you."
No! My mind is screaming in denial. My ears want to block to shut it out. Why now? "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I don't want to lose you."
You have already. When you kicked me out for an old friend. I shove the hand off my knee, feeling angry, "Gary, I'm not a toy. You can't keep on dumping me and then change your mind."
He looks like he's going to cry again. No. Oh, please don't cry!
His hand, which he's returned to my knee, starts trembling. "Stefanie, goddammit. Do you think this is easy for me? You forced my hand by leaving. I wanted more time, to do it properly. To do it right."
Gary, your hand is hurting me.
"Please stay. I need more time with you. I'm not ready to lose you."
SNAP.
"No!"
SHOVE. Stand. Glare down into those throat constricting eyes, "Fuck you, Gary. You are such a liar. I've sold everything. I have no job. I'm due to leave in just over twenty-four hours, and now you decide to pull this shit on me? Why the hell would I ever want to come back to you?"
"Because you love me. I know you do."
You've got me there. I loathe myself, because I can feel emotion rushing up to overflow.
"And then? Then what? I become your victim again by being your housewife?" I grimace at him, resisting, and argue, "And give up on my dreams, for you? What makes you think you're worth that? I won't, Gary. I won't. I'm doing this for ME."
"Postpone it."
Why am I wanting to? Why are you so irresistible to me? "And then what?"
"Give me the time to resign at work, so that I can come with you."
He stands up and looks down into my eyes. Wrapping his arms around me, he implores, "Please, Stefanie. I'd do anything to keep you. I'll give up everything here and come with you. Just give me the time I need to sell this place."
I’m broken. All I ever wanted was to be loved and cherished. But delicious men keep on dumping me without warning.
"Gary, plane tickets don't grow on trees. I'll lose that money. This is seriously impractical."
His arms tighten as his mouth gets closer to my ear, "I'll give you the money to replace it. It's perfect, don't you see? You've got your stuff sorted out, now we just have to sort out mine."
My knees are weakening, as I coat his body with mine when he starts kissing my neck.
"I love you. I need you. Please, Stefanie, stay with me."
God, his voice is a salve, adoring and seductive. My mind is telling me no. But his argument is logical. And my body craves him. I drop my head weakly against his chest. "Gary, if you hurt me again, it will destroy me."
His kisses feel so good that I can feel my nipples hardening.
A throaty whisper in my ear, "I promise I won't." He tilts my head back, staring into my turbulent eyes, "I need you."
His lips cover mine, all of the old desires resurface. He knows my weakness. He is my weakness.
His hands roam, find home. He rests one on my throat as he lifts his head, "Will you stay?"
I nod. Knowing it's insane. His smile could melt the polar caps as a hand slips under my shirt to play with my nipple, "I missed you so much!"
I resist with a mammoth effort. Pulling away, I play hard ball.
"One condition."
"Anything."
"You tell me who she was."
He looks fearful, but obviously is sincere because he gives me the answer, "Lesley."
WHO!
Chapter 30
Lesley
… Pause …
LESLEY! That hurtles my mind into the wall and smashes it in disgust. Of all the people on the planet, he dumped me for the biggest slut in my school. (I know you don't think this is a big deal but for me, it's huge. No comprendo?)
You see, Lesley and I just never got on at school. I was a good girl and totally disapproved of going to bars (underage), and sucking dicks to get free drinks from bartenders. Which Lesley did without conscience. In fact, every horny male frequenting the place knew she'd blow him for a cigarette– she was the best thing to hit the local pool hall. She spent half of her school life on her back or on her knees, instead of getting an education. I deplore everything she stands for. That girl doesn't have standards. She has none. There is nothing and nobody she won't screw. It's not a compliment at all that he went off to fuck that. I know how he met her though. He met her through Adelle.
Lesley *Bedspread* is shorter than me and five times heftier. She has boobs that hang past her belly button and has hideous acne scars on her face. This forces me to deduce that the only thing going for her is her mouth and how she can use it, because I know for a fact that she doesn't have beauty or brains, and after the sheer numbers of boys – (and teachers)–she screwed at school. I doubt very much she's 'untouched and glove-like' in the other department. Lesley. I'm gonna be sick.
Remember I told you about the girls who used to phone him when we were dating? The ones with balls? SHE IS ONE OF THEM. She was my biggest competition in landing Fuhquim? And now all I can think about is how long has this jerk been nailing her behind my back? It's been years since high school, but I can't get rid of her. To be honest, there's absolutely nothing to say to him. I am so disgusted he'd screw that truck. He dropped me for that. Not something cute like baby girl. That I could understand. No, instead he betrayed me. That is a state line he's just not allowed to cross.
… Play...
GASP!
"Sorry Gary, but there's nothing left between us. Gross!"
He looks like he's either going to hit something, or cry. I have never witnessed him looking so unnerved.
"No, Stefanie." His voice morphs into whiny pleading, "Stefanie, please, you don't understand."
"I understand perfectly. You dropped me so you could fuck her. Which you already have. If that's what you like, then we aren't compatible at all."
"It was a MISTAKE. Please. God woman, how many times must I tell you that I made a huge mistake letting you go. I let that little bitch fuck with my mind and convince me I'd be happier with Lesley. She was wrong! I need you. Lesley is history."
I cannot believe that Cindy would condone, or instigate, him getting together with Lesley. Cindy does not socialise with Lesley at all. I know this is all Gary. He found her, or she found him, or they never let each other go all those years ago, and have been laughing at my naive expense for years.
Glaring at him, oozing disgust, "You are despicable!"
I grab my bag and start heading for the door. I pull it open, my heart pounding in my chest. I can't believe how much this knowledge hurts. This is a whole new low, even for Gary. How desperate was he for a shag, that her name came up in the black-book-Russian-roulette.
Almost choking on tears, I yank the door. I did everything, everything, everything he ever asked of me. I denied him nothing. But somehow that slug got my man. I hate him and wish someone would give her a bullet to suck on.
SLAM.
In shock, I recoil from the hand that slammed the door from behind me. It grips me, tight, by my upper arm. "THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU. I knew you'd react
like this. I knew you'd think I loved her instead of you. I knew you'd think it was a match made in heaven because of my history with her. And it wasn’t like that. We got together briefly. We had a couple of drinks together. Yes, I fucked her, Twice, if you have to know. But it was just out of curiosity. The minute I did it I knew I'd made a mistake. I knew there'd be no going back with you if you ever found out. Why the hell do you think I tried so hard to hide it?"
I am fighting with his fingers, desperately trying to uncoil them from my arm before I burst into tears and give him the satisfaction of knowing he's hurt me. Twice? What? He wasn’t sure the first time? He had to give it another bash?
SHAKE!
"Dammit, Stef, listen to me, please. I can't lose you, you're the only thing in my life that matters. I was so stubborn, I insisted I didn't need you. After less than a week I got rid of Lesley and haven't spoken to her since. I hate that bitch Cindy for screwing up my life. I hate myself for falling for her lies! Stefanie, please baby, come on, you know I'm telling you the truth. I knew the risk of telling you, but I did, I'm being honest. I'm giving you full disclosure. I tried dating, but they're all so annoying and full of shit. I missed you like hell. Baby, come on, please? Stay?"
His arms close around me and I'm sandwiched between Gary's muscular body and the solid wood front door.
Fuck. Don't cry, Stefanie. No! Not now. Shit.
My shoulders start shaking and a voice drops honey tones into my ear, "I love you, babes. I'm sorry I hurt you."
He starts caressing my back and I believe him. I need a new brain, because he's convinced me. He did know the risk. And it's blatant that he knows me and my reactions better than I do. He knew I'd bolt and reject him. But he told the truth anyway. I don't really have a reason to doubt him, do I? Is this the new leaf we needed?
The sheer anxiety that he might never see me again was a catalyst for the truth? Can we really have the dream? I know he's a magician. He conjures up things in me very few have been able to achieve. In a room full of men, I'd choose Gary over all others.
I'll never have Marty, and Gary did come first. Marty was perfect. We never had a disagreement or an altercation. But Gary is worth fighting for. I'll be damned if that bitch gets my man. She knows I love him. She's always known. And she just thrives on dropping her acid into perfection to watch what happens. Me walking away is exactly what she'd want. No. I'm staying.
I nod.
Finally, he lets me go and examines my face streaked with emotional pain. He kisses me so tenderly that it almost undoes my feeble self control.
"I'll make you coffee. Let's catch up. What have you been up to?"
And just like that, he changes gears, makes me feel normal, attractive, special, interesting.
… Pause …
… Play ...
Three hours later as I'm sitting on the floor next to a black leather couch,(yes the floor is more comfortable), he starts to interrogate me about the real issue.
"Did you have sex with anyone?"
I nod. His eyes turn into icicles and he unleashes the demon.
"Who is he?"
"No one you know."
"But ... Shit, Stefanie. I didn't think you'd be like that. I thought you'd wait."
Why are you such an egotistical asshole, anyway?
With a voice saturated in scorn, "What? Gary, fuck you. You dumped me for another woman and you expected me to wait for you? You gave me no reason to hope for that. I moved on. Yes, I did have sex. You aren't the only person to get away with having a body and using it."
He's charged. I can sense the tension.
"How many men did you fuck?"
My eyebrows arch. I don't know why but I'm scared the truth will send him away from me back to megaslut. So I lie, "One."
"The moron Graham and Cindy saw you with?"
I nod uncomfortably. Mercury is settling in my stomach and it's getting heavier.
He bolts out of his chair and stalks to the window, "Jesus, Stefanie! I never thought you'd screw an Arab!"
He swivels and glares at me, "I don't think we can do this."
You racist prick! I never asked him what ethnic group he got his colouring from. It didn't matter to me!
I nod, feeling tears threatening again. I'm better off without him anyway. I don't respond and stand swiftly, making a hasty escape.
"Wait!"
I pause, with my hand on the door handle.
"I'll get over it. I need you more."
I slowly turn and examine his face with my cautious gaze.
"You promise it was only one. You're not lying to me are you?"
Yes, I am. And I know you can sniff it out with your supernatural super-sense, but there's no way I'm changing my story now.
"Promise"
Burn in hell, liar, the flames want you.
He nods, "Stefanie, I love you."
I'm stunned. This is already an emotional roller-coaster ride.
He nudges his head, "Come here."
Cellular memory kicks in and my legs respond to his command before my mind has a chance to challenge my emotions.
Lips trail down my neck, "Now I have to have you. You're mine."
Yep, you have to mark your territory with your scent. I don't care. When you do it, I am transformed.
... and like a lamb to the slaughter, I let him strip me of my dignity and clothing. Again ...
… Pause …
… Play ...
The next day at approximately three in the afternoon, his phone rings. We've just fallen back into step with each other. We are both comfortable and ‘home’ with one another. I don't feel like a stranger in this place and answer the phone without compunction, "Hello?"
A throaty, gushy voice, exhales into my ear, "Hello, is Gary there?"
Office Stefanie kicks into gear, "Yes he is, who shall I say is calling?"
"Lesley."
My heart splinters into needle-like daggers, piercing my body in every direction. It's not too late to leave.
"One moment, and I'll get him."
But he panicked when he heard the phone ring and ran like Kali was after his skull for her belt. He's standing here looking more nervous than I've ever seen him. Ever.
I hand the phone to him, "It's for you."
His expression is transparent. I just caught the Master of Lies lying to me. Red handed asshole!
The phone, you see, is still right next to the door. My bag is on the table right next to the door. I pick up my bag, throw open the door in a flounce, and stalk away from him, forever.
Chapter 31
Forever and a Night
Okay, so forever lasted a whole fifteen steps at a brisk pace. My heart is pounding so fervently with outrage, that it hurts. It feels as though it's doubled in size. Since when did I give my heart to McDonald's to supersize it anyway? Maybe a supersized heart would help me. Get more blood flowing to my brain and injecting the dormant brain cells with much needed oxygen to see the big picture and WAKE UP.
A hand grips my arm and spins me around. The fright completely shuts out sound as blood pounds past ear membranes. Good lord, he's pale. He looks panicked.
Suck it up, asshole.
His voice filters in, gaining in volume, as my heart decides to abruptly deflate back to caged size.
"I promise that was a sheer coincidence!"
"Hmmm mmm." I purse my lips in total disbelief. They say there's a thin line between love and hate and it's true. I waver between the two constantly with Gary.
"Please, Stefanie."
Oh look, it sounds like he's begging. Wow. Gary pleading with me for a change? Not some doe-eyed baby girl. Oh shame, he's getting all choked up. Bet he never thought I'd have the strength, or self-esteem, to choose to walk away the minute he slips up.
Who's desperate now, dipshit? Looks like it's you for a change. After all the times I stood in those shoes, I feel sorry for you. Mistake number one for me.
"You have to believe me. I told her to go to
hell and hung up. I'm doomed! I swear I haven't heard from her in months. It was just really bad timing."
Tears begin. Sigh.
"Please, Stefanie, don't go." All choked up and heart wrenching.
It's strange the way I'm feeling so detached to this right now. As if I'm a voyeur on my own life. Disjointed. Victims of trauma do that don't they? When they can't handle any more emotional pain, they disengage in order to cope. Is that what I'm doing?
He tugs my hand, "Come back. You have to finish your coffee. You can't just leave. God Stefanie, I'm fucking cursed."
And so, like the imbecile that I am, I let him lead me back into his lair. Unresisting. I have a soft spot for him. I believe every lie he tells me. I'm positive I believe him because he's telling the truth. But a huge part of me is always on guard, never completely fooled.
Not any longer. Although the sheer transparency of his emotional duress is going a long way to convincing me that he really loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
"What did she want?"
"She just called to see how I was doing. And to find out about you."
Yeah right! "Is that so."
He reaches with trembling fingers for his smokes, lighting one before staring at me with more tears highlighting his incredible eyes, "I told her when I made the mistake that I wanted to get you back. Of all the times to call me, she chose now, to find out if I managed to get it right."
"I'm sure she really cares about that. She's just checking to see if you're still available." Just call me Sarcastic Stefanie.
He turns from me and walks away, staring fixedly out of the window. I don't know why I'm being so cold when he's so distraught.
Eventually he turns to face me. I'm sitting down again, nonchalantly finishing my coffee, pondering whether I'm strong enough to handle the Gary ride again. He looks broken. Oh no. My heart aches just looking at his expression.
There's something about him being vulnerable and needy that just sucks me right in.
