by Kitt, Sandra
Then Alex seemed to be withdrawing and Dallas thought it was all over. She thought he was pulling out. She released a deep breath of relief. But instead Alex thrust forward again. She didn’t think it was possible, but his body went even deeper until there wasn’t an inch of space between them, Alex seemed to rest against her for a moment, groaning deep in his throat. Dallas held on to him around his back, and felt the deep breaths he was taking. She hid her face against his shoulder.
“Is … is it over?” she asked very quietly. She couldn’t move. She felt as if something much too big had been shoved into the center of her, impaling her. Alex shook his head against her.
“No. Not yet …” he said hoarsely.
Alex slid his hands from beneath her bottom and came up on his forearms. And then he began a rhythmic in and out movement with his hips and penis against her, into her. Dallas realized his whole body was tense and straining. She could do nothing more than lie there, gritting her teeth against the repetitive pushing and stretching inside her body. Holding on to Alex with her arms clamped tightly around him, her fingernails unconsciously digging into his skin. He didn’t seem to notice. For a moment Dallas was horrified at what she was doing. To be naked with a man, in his bed, under him … it was different from the books. Different from the movies. Different from what the girls at school talked about. Already Dallas suspected that there was also something close to magic about the way their bodies were joined. It was almost … sacred. The way they fit together and moved with a natural motion from which Alex seemed to be drawing some enjoyment.
Dallas also sensed that he could be exerting much more force, but was controlling his efforts. But none of it lasted for very long. Alex’s whole body suddenly seemed to stiffen. He moaned and pushed his pelvis forward one final time. It was as if he were trying to squeeze right into her. He held himself rigid, breathing deeply. She felt the fluttering of his penis inside her. The pulsation of his release. His body went limp. He rested momentarily on Dallas, his weight relaxed. Dallas heard him trying to catch his breath. Her hands stroked unconsciously across the back of his neck, down his spine to his lower back. The skin was damp and hot. But she liked the way he felt. Even his hair was damp.
Finally, Alex lay still. He lifted his buttocks and his penis slid from her body. The movement still caused discomfort. It was unexpected. He was not as big as when he’d first started to make love to her. His penis was wet and soft now.
“Dallas …”
“I’m okay,” she managed in a soft, thin voice to reassure him.
He sighed. “I’m … sorry. I … I shouldn’t have finished so fast.”
She didn’t know what he meant. It seemed like it had taken forever for his thrusting to end. What she liked more was having Alex lie still on her. She could feel his heartbeat, and smell his skin. It made her feel dreamy. Suddenly Alex grunted and rolled away from her. He sprawled on his back next to her with his eyes closed. Without the warmth and covering of his body on top of hers, Dallas began to feel very cold. She carefully drew up her legs and hugged herself in a fetal position.
Now what?
Was she supposed to say something? Was something else supposed to happen? She looked down the length of his body and felt her initial shyness give way to open curiosity at Alex’s body. Dallas had a real awareness now of how different his body was, and an appreciation of the gentleness in him, beneath the hard contours of his body. There was a stinging and tingling between her legs. Tender and very sore. She also felt wet, and warm.
Alex rolled his head in her direction and opened his eyes. He reached out a hand and lazily smoothed her hair.
“Well … it’s done,” he murmured sleepily. “You’re not a virgin anymore.”
“Thank you.”
Alex blinked at her and then chuckled. “Don’t thank me. Believe it or not, this was the easy part. I know it hurt. I know you didn’t get off … or feel very much. You’re probably thinking, so what’s all the excitement about? The first time is always the worst for girls. It gets a lot better if you keep at it.”
“You mean … do it again?” Dallas asked, her voice betraying her reluctance at having to submit to being penetrated again.
Alex lay quietly for a moment, still playing in her soft hair, his gaze thoughtful and drowsy. “Yeah. But not now. Not with me. So … was it worth it? Or are you disappointed?”
Dallas closed her eyes and felt the way her body was still responding to its recent invasion. There was a lot about being with Alex that she liked. But she really wasn’t sure what she was supposed to feel.
“I don’t know.”
He stared up at the ceiling and sighed deeply. “I can tell you this. With the right person at the right time … it’s great.” He swung away from her, sitting on the side of the bed and reaching for his underwear.
“I did what you wanted me to do. But find somebody you really care about next time. You’ll get the hang of it, and you might even get to like it.”
“Are we through?” she asked, slowly sitting up. She used both hands to sweep her hair back from her face. She looked around for the elastic band that had held it in place, but couldn’t find it.
“Yep. That’s it. Sorry I can’t say that satisfaction was guaranteed,” Alex said, almost completely dressed by the time Dallas had gotten off the rumpled bed.
His sarcasm stung. Now that the contact was over between them, now that it had finished and she’d gotten what she wanted, Dallas felt deserted. But she didn’t really know what else she thought he should do. This was just what she knew the boys in school would have done, had she submitted to their demands. But what had she expected? Alex wasn’t really interested in her either, and she never pretended that he would be.
Dallas resorted to modestly covering herself with her hands again, but Alex wasn’t watching. He had retreated to the window again to light another cigarette. She grabbed the towel and hastily wrapped it around her body. She tried to stand up and stumbled. Her thighs began to quiver almost uncontrollably, and the center of her body felt like it was burning. Dallas walked unsteadily to the bathroom and, closing the door, began to get dressed.
She thought she’d be happy about this. She thought there would be this great sense of relief and satisfaction. But what she actually felt was confused … and a little empty. Dallas knew what was supposed to happen and even how. She’d read about it. But she hadn’t anticipated feeling so totally open and helpless. It had been much more complicated than just sex. Alex’s tenderness beforehand suggested something that was meant to be about feelings, and emotions. That if what had happened between them was all there was to it, then it seemed a wasted effort.
Dallas came out of the bathroom. The lights were back on. The candles had been blown out, the air a little acrid with the odor of sulfur and wax. It hardly seemed romantic. Alex’s apartment looked sad and unfurnished. There was nothing cozy about it. He had no pictures on the walls or curtain at the window. It was bare bones.
“Does it hurt?”
His voice startled her, and she turned to face him. Alex was standing at the kitchenette counter, drinking from a can of soda. He looked restless. Annoyed.
“Just a little,” Dallas murmured. But she wanted to leave. She wanted to go home and be by herself.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No. Why should I be?”
He sighed. “I’m sorry I let you talk me into this. This is not the way it’s supposed to be. I …”
“I wanted it this way.” She walked over to him. “I’m not sorry. I’m glad it was you.”
He held out the soda can to her and Dallas accepted it. She gratefully took a gulp of the cold drink and gave it back to Alex, mumbling her thanks.
Alex continued to look doubtful. But then his expression softened and he shook his head, bemused. He reached out his arm to hook Dallas around her neck and pull her toward him. It was an awkward hug, but she welcomed it, wanting to curl up against him and take whatever tenderness he ha
d to offer.
Alex turned his mouth against her hair, near her ear, to whisper, “This is the first and last time I ever do this. I’m getting out of the business of deflowering girls.”
She gave him a shaky smile. “Then … I’m glad I was your first.”
He studied her for a moment, and touched her cheek. “You’re sweet. I’m glad I was your first, too.” He drained the soda and headed to pick up his jacket. “Come on. I’ll drive you home.”
“I can take the train. I have a ticket.”
“That’ll take too long. Anyway, I need to get out for a while.”
She nodded and headed for the door as Alex turned out the lights. She was quiet until he’d locked the door, and she followed him back down and out of the building. Around the corner to where his secondhand car was parked. They were on the road before either spoke again. Dallas knew she had a lot to think about. She had no idea what was going through Alex’s mind. Until they were on the Belt Parkway heading east.
“What are you thinking?” Alex finally broke through the pensive silence between them.
Dallas wasn’t sure he would understand. She wasn’t sure if it would have mattered to Alex as much as she knew it would matter to her in the future.
“About … what we did.”
“Didn’t like it, heh?”
She stared out the window, aware that her body now was different. There was a connection, an affinity that was going to last forever. He was imprinted on her, part of her … in her … that had been absorbed. No matter what, Alex was always going to be the first. Dallas felt changes already that she hadn’t even anticipated. More than just losing her virginity and breaking through a barrier, a physical membrane into her body. This was a whole new realm of experience and sensation. It was overwhelming. Her chest felt tight suddenly and her throat closed in, choking her. Slowly tears spilled from her eyes and rolled down her face.
She shook her head, finally finding the voice to answer Alex. “It’s … not that,” Dallas sighed. “I just … I didn’t know it was going to be so personal.”
It was a long moment before Alex responded. He swept a hand through his hair.
“Yeah. Me either …”
Dallas stood at the window looking out on the early morning sun washing over the neighborhood. It was Sunday. Still too early for anyone to be up.
She sipped the hot tea and noticed that the first signs of spring were finally appearing on the trees and shrubbery. She felt an odd relief. She’d always found winter rather oppressive and dark. Spring always offered more … hope. Dallas glanced at her watch, thinking she should leave soon. Call for a cab back to the station for the trip back to New York. When she heard the sounds of someone on the stairwell Dallas thought that it was probably her father. Even on weekends he tended to rise early. To sit with a cup of coffee and the morning papers, undisturbed by the rest of the family. But it wasn’t her father.
When Dallas turned from the window she found Dean entering the kitchen. He looked half-asleep, still rumpled and not completely dressed. He looked annoyed and impatient. Then Dallas recognized the expression. It was shamefaced, reluctantly repentant.
“Morning,” Dean muttered, sitting at the kitchen table and bending to put his sneakers on.
Dallas watched him warily. She drank her tea and didn’t immediately respond. After a long moment of silence, Dean glanced furtively at her, and then stood to stuff the tail of his Henley shirt into the waist of his jeans.
“There’s coffee if you want some,” she said.
“Thanks,” Dean acknowledged, heading for the counter and the overhead cabinet where the mugs were kept. He poured himself a cup, laced it with sugar, and turned to face her, stirring the hot liquid. But he wouldn’t look directly at her.
“You’re up early,” Dallas commented smoothly.
Dean took a large gulp of coffee. He stood holding it in his jaw for a considering moment before swallowing. Then he looked at her.
“I was pretty sure you’d be up. I wanted to see you before you left for the city again.”
Dallas finished her tea and walked to the sink with the empty cup. She merely set it on the counter. “What about?”
He took an audible deep breath. “To say I’m sorry. About last night. About what I said.” Finally, he looked at her. “I don’t know why I did.”
“I don’t know why you did either. You used to do stuff like that when we were kids and you wanted to get me in trouble. What were you trying to get back at me for?”
Dean moved restlessly around the kitchen. He shook his head. “I don’t know. Nothing. I just … let my lips flap without thinking.”
Dallas shook her head. She didn’t know what to say to her brother. “Dean … don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah, but if you’re really dating that guy, then I made it sound like …”
“I said, don’t worry about it. I’m not dating him.” She said it with finality. She didn’t want to discuss it anymore.
“I want to check out, too. If I hang around any longer Mom will be up and start in on me.”
“It wouldn’t happen if you stood up to her.”
“She still wants to treat me like a kid.”
Dallas pursed her lips as she looked at Dean. “Maybe if you didn’t sometimes act like one, she’d stop. You’re too old to be playing games, you know.” Dean looked truculent and stubborn, but didn’t refute her observation. Dallas sighed, and headed for the living room, where she’d left her coat. She was ready to leave. “I’m going to go now.”
“I’ll take you to the station,” Dean offered, putting down the unfinished cup of coffee.
“I was just going to call a cab. You might want to hang around until Eleanor is up. You know she won’t like it if you leave without saying anything to her.”
“That’s okay. I’ll call her later.” He hurried off to get his own things.
In Eleanor’s red Camry, Dallas strapped herself in and sat silently as they pulled away from the front of the house and headed off down the street. She was suddenly feeling very tired and sleepy. She decided that when she got home she was going to go back to bed for a few hours. Then she had work to do. She closed her eyes. This, too, would come to pass.
“You know, even if you were dating that guy, it wouldn’t bother me,” Dean said magnanimously.
“Thanks,” Dallas said dryly.
She sat considering her family, and all the men she’d dated, the one she’d been married to. She thought of Valerie and Maureen and a host of others whom she’d considered friends over the years. Her own brother. All of whom, without exception, had hurt and betrayed her at one time or another for their own reasons, their own gain. Except for Alex, who had fought for her, worried about her, protected her. How ironic, Dallas thought.
Alex Marco could very likely turn out to really be her best friend.
Chapter Nine
ALEX WOKE UP WITH a start. His skin was hot and slightly damp. He realized that his heart was racing and for a brief moment it actually pounded like a closed fist, making him struggle for air. He felt as if he were suffocating. Or drowning.
He never dreamed about the Gulf War. He never had nightmares, although he remembered everything that had happened. Underwater, his skills and training, his equipment and swim partner, kept him alive. But on the surface his life was his own.
Alex sat up slowly, feeling too hot and throwing off the covers. The room was actually a little cool, an early spring suburban dawn chill because the sun had not risen high enough yet to warm the air. But it felt wonderful and he breathed deeply, getting his pulse back to normal. He’d awakened suddenly because it hit him that he was doing something wrong. He’d made a poor decision. It was one of those instinctive kind of feelings like a lightbulb going on, or when he got the punch line. Or when he was keenly aware of danger. It was that absolute.
When Alex opened his eyes and looked around he realized he wanted to leave. This room made him uneasy
. It was a small bedroom, outfitted and lived in with a woman’s things. It was too cozy, and too in need of the one thing that would complete the domestic picture. A man around the house. He glanced down at the sleeping woman next to him. Valerie was the only woman he’d ever known who looked beautiful while she slept. He swung his body out of the bed.
“Where are you going?”
The voice was slurred and sleepy, but still incredibly sexy and inviting. Alex felt her hand on his back. It lightly stroked the skin and explored the surface with incredible sensitivity. As much as he felt the need to get up, Alex also felt the quickly rising desire that made his penis surge into an erection.
“It’s almost light. I better go …”
Valerie shifted with a sensual twist of her body until she was facing Alex. Her drowsy gaze was warm and welcoming, her abundant hair a flamelike enticement billowing out on the pillow around her. Her hand slid along his thigh, curving the fingers inward, enticingly close to his genitals.
“Megan’s at a girlfriend’s for the night, remember?” Her voice was throaty and seductive.
Alex glanced down at her, feeling the heat of longing. Her nightgown had thin straps that barely held it in place over her body, and a thin fabric that molded to her skin and showed the outline of her breasts and nipples. He watched Valerie’s eyes and mouth, which held the kind of patience and calm of someone who knew she would get what she wanted.
He wished she hadn’t mentioned Megan, but the child was the one person he was most concerned about. At twelve she was perhaps old enough to understand the practice of dating, and men and women being together. Alex wasn’t comfortable with Megan finding out what was happening between her mother and himself. He and Valerie had been very careful to appear to be not more than friends in her company. He didn’t want to give either of them the wrong impression.
