Neal leaned forward. “Hey, submission isn’t some mechanical thing where you play a part, where you do something to make your Dom happy but it has no meaning to you. It’s a gift to your Top and it has to come from a place within you where you acknowledge they have the key to answering a specific need. You might have to ask yourself whether that’s the type of relationship you want, or if all you want is Cruella, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to have them—even if it’s bullshit.”
Was that what he was doing? Was the D/s aspect of the relationship something he’d gone along with, but didn’t really care about one way or the other? Ray pulled up in his mind the few moments they’d shared when he would let go and allow Cruella to take complete care of him, had let them direct everything without trying to interfere and take over.
And it was so fucking amazing. Why couldn’t he do that at other times, do it in front of others? Would it be any less incredible?
“It’s not bullshit.” Tears burned in Ray’s eyes. “I might be new to this and clueless on many levels, but when we shared that dynamic together, I’ve never felt so peaceful and as close to someone. That’s why I agreed to the contract. I want more of that, want more of that with them.”
Neal leaned closer and clasped Ray’s hand. “Then let’s figure out a way to help you get what you want.”
Cruella perched on a stool behind the counter of Rags & Rhinestones, filling out price tags then attaching them to the new arrivals with the pricing gun. Their second week of working at the new job was going fantastic. However, their heart was shattered. Their emotions were all over the place, which kept the fun of working at Heath’s store from really kicking in.
They let out a long sigh and checked the inventory list Heath had made of the vintage items he’d bought at an estate sale in Cheviot Hills the day before. After writing out the era the silk brocade smoking jacket was from and adding the seventy-five-dollar price to the tag, they attached it to the garment so it could be hung on the rack to be taken to the floor later.
Ray would be so handsome in that jacket.
They set down the gun and rubbed their forehead. If they were being completely honest, time had done nothing to dull the edges of putting Ray to the side. While they could acknowledge it had initially been the right thing to do, they had also been considering over the past few days what it would take for them to believe they could still have a future together.
One where I won’t be shoving aside what I need or how I feel to make someone else happy.
What terrified them more than anything was that Ray wouldn’t take that step, that he would give up on them and move on. Perhaps he would realize he wasn’t ready to accept being with a nonbinary partner, even if he’d believed he could initially. In which case, it was all for the best—no matter how damn much it hurt.
Cruella glanced up as Heath appeared from the stockroom at the far end of the store, his arms filled with purses. They jumped off the stool to help him right as half the pile of bags tumbled to the floor.
“Thanks, doll.” Heath blew his bangs from his eyes with a puff of breath as he carted the remaining purses to the counter. He dumped them on the glass surface then lunged toward a couple of wayward bags getting ready to make an escape. “Fuck these purses.”
Cruella brought over the remaining escapees and carefully added them to the rest of the collection. “Oh no, hon. These are stunning. You did a great job at that sale.”
Heath picked up a nineteen-forties, royal-blue satin evening clutch with a large rhinestone clasp and brass chain in like-new condition. He grinned. “I really did, didn’t I?” He set it down then grabbed Cruella’s arm with one hand and slapped the other to his chest. “This woman was a costume designer at some of the biggest studios for decades. You can’t believe the selection that was there. I’ve never had to employ so much willpower before.”
Cruella regarded the mountain of satin, beads, velvet, leather and snakeskin taunting them with its magnificence. “I couldn’t do it. How do you decide which ones to choose?”
The tall and lean Heath rested against the glass case. “You use your business mind to make purchases, not your traitorous impulse-buy heart. I’ve had to ban the phrase ‘ooh, shiny’ from my vocabulary. I would’ve gone broke a long time ago if I hadn’t.”
Eyeing the precious purse cargo once more, Cruella arched their eyebrows in doubt. “Is that something you can teach me? Because I don’t think I can figure that one out on my own.”
Heath grinned again. “We’re getting there. I already have you on the two-item-a-month purchase restriction, which is not to exceed a hundred dollars your first six months on the job.”
“That’s a hundred employee discount dollars, right?”
Heath laughed. “Of course. That would be cruel otherwise.”
The shop door opened and they both turned their heads to see who had arrived. Cruella smiled at the sight of Liam. They had missed him so much too, hated how upset Liam had been when they’d met with him about leaving Rogue Ink. But they were getting together for lunch and Cruella couldn’t wait to spend some time with his friend.
“Hey, Cruella.” Liam ducked his head. “Hi, Heath.”
Cruella had noticed how uncomfortable Liam became around people he considered beautiful, and Cruella had to agree that Heath was one hell of a beautiful guy. Once he gets to know him better, when he comes around here more. Cruella sniffed. They knew they were never going back to Rogue, but it still hurt to be reminded of it.
Heath had been alerted not to touch or hug Liam. He gave Liam a big smile. “Hi, sweetheart. It’s nice to see you again.”
Liam peered up. “I’m not in the way, am I? I think I’m about ten minutes early for Cruella’s lunch. I can come back later, if you want. I don’t want to get them in trouble.”
Heath shook his head. “Not at all. As a matter of fact, I brought all these lovely handbags you see before you to keep me busy while you and Cruella go out. I can be adding them to my inventory on the computer and help customers at the same time.” He snorted. “Trust me, I’ve had to do that for years.”
“Oh.” Liam looked to Cruella as if seeking direction.
“But we’ll only be an hour, so no worries, hon.” Cruella stepped behind the counter to grab their own purse. “See you in a bit.”
After they both made their way out of the store, they went up the street to a juice bar that had recently opened. The place was perfect for them, since they shared similar issues with eating. The selection was massive and there were many protein powders and boosts they could add to their drinks.
Once they’d ordered then received their juices, they chose a table in the corner, as far from the register as they could get in the small interior.
“I’m proud of you.” Cruella pointed to the granola and nut bar Liam had also purchased. “Has eating in public gotten better?”
Liam nodded. “It has. Sometimes I freak out, but it’s been happening less and less.”
“I understand, hon. It’s hard to get rid of those old demons, isn’t it?”
Liam had been sipping from his tropical medley drink, so he set it down. “It is. But Neal has helped me so much. I feel safe with him because I know he won’t make fun of or judge me when I have an episode.” Liam lowered his gaze and fiddled with the plastic wrapper of the granola bar. “That sort of trust and understanding can take time, you know.” He wiggled in his seat. “We’ve had to work at it. Learning to be his sub didn’t just happen overnight.” Liam chanced a peek at Cruella before lowering his eyes again. “I needed Neal’s guidance or else I wouldn’t have known what to do. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he suddenly hadn’t been there anymore.”
Not the subtlest thing on the planet, is he? “Baby, I thought you had a full-time Master before you ever met Neal.”
Liam wiggled some more. “Well, sure. But once I did find Neal, it would’ve been a travesty if he hadn’t stuck by me.” His eyes widened. “Not that he shou
ld’ve stuck by me if I was being a jerk or anything, I didn’t mean that. I meant…”
Liam frowned, his lip chewing and wrapper-crinkling increasing. His anxiousness held the potential of becoming a full-blown panic attack, so Cruella decided to cut in.
“It’s okay, baby. I understand what you’re trying to say.”
Liam straightened, his cheeks flushing. “I’m not… I didn’t mean… I…” He closed his eyes, folded his hands in his lap and took several deep breaths. After a couple of minutes, he let out a final long exhale then opened his eyes again. “Are you mad at me?”
Cruella gave him a soft smile. “Not ever, hon. Can I tell you a secret, something I haven’t told anyone else?”
Liam nodded with excitement. “Sure. I won’t tell anyone either, unless Master Neal asks, then I’d have to tell him. But no one else.”
They couldn’t help but chuckle. “That’s fine. I’m hoping it won’t stay a secret for very long anyway.”
“Oh, my. Okay.” Liam picked up his cup and took a sip. “What’s the secret?”
Cruella found their smile widening as they thought about what they were about to say. For the first time in weeks, their heart felt lighter and the world didn’t seem as though it were conspiring against them.
“I’m in love with Ray.”
Liam’s jaw dropped and he set his juice down too hard. Some of the bright yellow liquid sloshed over the side and pooled on the table. He gasped. “Oh no!” Liam shook his head. “Not about you and Ray, that’s perfect. But damn, let me get some napkins.”
Cruella couldn’t imagine why things suddenly seemed better as they dabbed at the mess with the one small napkin they had. Yet nothing struck them as being too dire or overwhelming now that they’d shared what they’d been keeping hidden inside for so long.
When Liam returned with some paper towels, they both cleaned up the spill in silence. At last, Liam sat down and gawked at Cruella.
“That’s for sure how you feel?” Liam couldn’t stop bouncing.
Laughter kept bubbling up as they spoke. “Very. Hon, I need you to understand something because I know how upset you were when I left Rogue and stopped seeing Ray.”
Liam lowered his chin as if he’d been caught doing something bad.
Cruella tilted their head to try and catch Liam’s eye. “Hey, look at me. That’s fine. I just wanted to share this with you especially. I needed some alone time after that horrible night, so I could figure out what I was getting myself into with Ray. I knew I loved him then, I’d even planned on telling him that night, but circumstances intervened.”
Liam was back to bouncing. “You did? Then why couldn’t you guys just talk about things then anyway?”
“Hon, how I feel about him is one thing. Whether we can build a life together without either one of us giving up who we are to please the other is a completely different story.”
Liam furrowed his brow. “So now that you’ve been alone—and you still love him—now what do you think?”
“I’d like to give things between us another chance, see if the dynamic we share can work.”
“Then…then you have to come with me and Neal to Kiss of Leather tonight! We’re having dinner with our friends from there, Derek and Corey. Please?”
Cruella smirked. “Would Ray be attending this dinner as well?”
“Not yet. But I bet I can talk him into it.”
Cruella barked out a laugh. “Why do you want us to go to Kiss of Leather, baby? I can call him up and we can make plans on our own to meet up.” At the sight of tears welling in Liam’s eyes, Cruella resisted the urge to take his hand. Sometimes they wanted to hug him so badly. “What’s wrong?”
Liam fidgeted, couldn’t keep his hands still. “I don’t think words are enough for this. You know how much I struggle with words. If I’d had to get by these past few years with talking, I don’t think my relationships with either of my Masters would’ve worked out. Can you trust me on this, please?”
The earnestness in Liam’s voice finally convinced them. “All right, hon. I’ll go as long as Neal says it’s fine.” They winked at Liam. “I have to respect what a fellow Top decides when it comes to his sub.”
Liam’s hands stilled and he smiled. “Thank you, Cruella.”
Cruella worked to keep their voice steady, the possibility of seeing Ray that night sinking in. “Maybe I’ll be thanking you later.”
Chapter Fifteen
Ray paced in his cubicle at work, waiting for Neal to finish up with his last client so they could head to Kiss of Leather.
I can’t fuck this up.
Liam had assured him everything would work out with Cruella if Ray tried out some of the tips on submission Liam had shared with him. The irony was that Ray had wanted to discuss the various aspects of submission with Liam but had worried the conversation might stress him out. Instead, Liam had approached Ray, offering to help.
Probably ‘cause it’s clear I need plenty of it.
Most of what they’d talked about in the days since Neal had stopped by his place had been regarding the inner aspects of submission and what it meant to him personally. What Ray had discovered about himself during his reflection had been unexpected. While he wasn’t the least bit interested in living the lifestyle twenty-four-seven, he did find that giving up control to Cruella went beyond being a physical turn-on. He found it comforting as well.
His soul-searching had also included taking a deep look within as to whether Cruella’s identity or how they appeared to others threatened his masculinity, or hindered his ability to submit to them. He’d concluded that his initial reluctance to submit in public related to his fear of not knowing what he was doing—not that he didn’t want to do it.
So, none of this should be a big deal now, right?
Liam had assured him that while opening up one’s self to submission for the first time could be overwhelming, the experience was different for everyone. He’d coached Ray on keeping his focus on pleasing Cruella and letting everything else fall away. Then, if Cruella accepted his submission, they could work everything else out between each other later.
Ray glanced in the mirror to make sure he hadn’t missed any stray hairs when he’d trimmed his beard and moustache, that his dress shirt wasn’t wrinkled and that he appeared his best for his Dominant.
Hopefully that’s what they’ll be, anyway.
“Knock, knock.” Neal appeared around the corner. “Mason is ringing up my customer right now. I’ll bathroom break him, then we can leave. You ready, bro?”
Ray shook his hands out. “Yeah. As I’ll ever be, I suppose.”
“Hey. It’s not a competition. It’s between you and them, that’s all. No one else’s business and the members at Kiss of Leather all support that. That’s why it’s such a jammin’ place to hang. They vet everyone so carefully, it allows us to relax in a positive, safe environment.”
Ray ran his palms down his dress slacks. “Yeah, okay. I focus on pleasing Cruella, right?”
Neal smiled. “You’ve got this, bro. Keep it real and about them and that’s what’ll get you over.”
He nodded. “Sure, I’ve totally got this.” I hope.
While Neal ran downstairs, Ray grabbed his jacket and did one final appearance check. The visual of Cruella inspecting him with a magnifying glass wouldn’t leave his head, no matter how ridiculous it was. He wanted to please them so much. Once he figured he couldn’t drag his heels any longer, he also made his way downstairs to join Neal and Liam.
“You look great, Ray.” Liam beamed up at him as he descended the steps.
“Thanks.” He reached the bottom then shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting on his feet as they all waited for Mason. He cleared his throat. “So, Derek’s one of the owners of Kiss of Leather, right?” He’d seen Derek and his sub, Corey, a couple times when they’d dropped by the shop for Neal and Liam, but only in passing.
Neal was leaning against the desk and scrolling through his phon
e. “Yeah. One of the original ones who was part of building it from the ground up.”
“Wow, cool.”
Ray pushed that tasty morsel of info from his mind. Focus on Cruella. He also didn’t bring up Corey. Neal had explained everything to him about Corey’s kidnapping after Liam had almost been lost to the same group of human traffickers. The memory would be triggering for anyone, so he was careful not to broach the subject around Liam.
Neal jerked up his head at Mason’s reappearance. Once they’d verified their new employee had everything he needed to handle closing Rogue, they took off, with Ray following Neal’s vintage Chevy in his SUV. After finding a space a couple blocks away, he caught up with Neal and Liam where they waited for him by the gate to the property. The scene was eerily similar to the last time he’d been there.
Ray couldn’t stop chewing on his damn lip as Neal swiped his access card then opened the door to let them pass through to the private exterior of the club.
“Uh, do you know if Derek and Corey are here already?”
What he was really asking was whether Cruella was there. Neal had arranged with his buddy to bring Cruella in as his guest.
We need our own damn memberships.
But he’d promised himself he’d be a good boy and let Cruella take the lead.
Neal patted his shoulder. “You want me to check?”
Ray furrowed his brow as he considered Neal’s offer. “That’s okay. Thanks anyway, man.” He hadn’t been able to wrest from Liam or Neal whether Cruella knew he’d be there for dinner, but he assumed they probably did. Regardless of who arrived first, they’d both be seeing each other soon.
The only other time he’d gone through the front entrance was when he’d attended Cruella’s shibari graduation. Once again, he marveled at how inviting the exterior was, with the elevated path that curved around a large, stone koi pond along with the other landscaping that included colored floodlights and lush greenery. When they reached the front, Ray sucked in a deep breath, mentally coaching himself to calm the fuck down.
Kink Aware (Kiss of Leather Book 9) Page 15
