Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  When she had just about finished, it was about 9:45, and still no call from her supervisor. She figured before she called him to see if he remembered, she’d check the Caller ID. She picked up the cordless and started to press the CALL HISTORY numbers. There was Dakota, Keith’s mother, Jordan, bill collectors, her parents’ house, but no supervisor. Just as she was getting past the calls of the last few hours and was about to go ahead and just call him, she pushed it one more time and the name Lourdes Vincent came up. She had called at 7:20 P.M., and Chrasey tried to think about it but couldn’t remember what Keith was doing at 7:20.

  She could have handled it calmly and not said anything, but she wasn’t in that kind of mood. Besides, she and Keith hadn’t said but two things to each other since dinner. They were back in their old routine of being in two separate worlds. So just for the purpose of having something to say to him, she had some questions.

  She walked downstairs into the living room where he was sitting as usual and sat down beside him with the phone in her hand. He looked over at her, unsuspecting of what she was doing there with him. Just as he went to turn back to the television, she started up.

  “Did you speak to Lourdes today?”

  She could tell the mention of her name startled him some. He was never prepared for her to bring it up.

  “No,” he said, “why?”

  “Her number was in the Caller ID and I was wondering if you spoke with her.”

  “No, I didn’t even know she called.”

  “Did you tell her I said not to be calling my house?”

  “She knows that—she just ... I don’t know.”

  “Where were you at 7:20?”

  “Right here, Chrasey—why?”

  She could tell by the tone of his voice and the expression on his face, he wasn’t feeling her line of questioning. He was trying to scare her off with the “you’re frustrating me” look. The days that mattered were over—he shouldn’t have cheated.

  “That’s the time she called, so I wanted to know what you were doing, since you say you missed the call.”

  “Oh, you thought I was lying then basically?”

  “Just asked a question,” she said.

  “Don’t worry—I’m not as careless as you, on the phone with some other man while my husband is right downstairs.”

  Chrasey guessed it was too good to be true. She had spent almost a year cheating on her husband and had gotten off totally scot-free because she found out about something much worse. What he had done had been so drastic that she got a “get out of jail free” card. Her first reaction to his comment was to stop so he couldn’t try to give her a guilt trip. Until she thought about the facts: he had a baby outside of their marriage, and he was talking about careless.

  “WHAT? You have to be joking ... you’re not careless? Not only were you careless enough to be on the phone while I was here, you were careless enough to leave months of proof on the bills, AND you were careless enough to get her knocked up.”

  “I didn’t leave anything. I was using the phone in MY house, and just because you wanted to snoop through the bills ...”

  “YOUR house? This is OUR house and those were OUR bills! Your ass shouldn’t have been on the phone with your mistress in OUR house.”

  “Well, you have some nerve, scrutinizing me like your shit don’t stink.”

  “Well, your shit was smelling first, AND you went out and had a baby.”

  He paused for a second, and then he took a deep breath. She saw his shoulders rise and fall back down.

  “Whatever, are you done? I’m trying to watch television,” he said finally. She sucked her teeth as hard as she could and stood up. “I’m done because there is nothing else to discuss anyway—you’re just going to lie.”

  “Yeah, Mrs. Honesty.”

  “Don’t forget to call your baby mama back,” she said as she walked up the stairs.

  Damn, she was fuming, but she knew from prior arguments that when Keith got in that mode, he would be so ignorant and stubborn he would end up pissing her off even more.

  When she reached her bedroom, she wanted to vent. She wondered why she ever thought this would work. Here they were, arguing over who was sloppier with their affairs. What had they come to? she wondered. And really, didn’t they see how crazy they sounded. She didn’t want that for them. No matter what they tried to do to fix it, their situations were going to follow them around forever. There was almost no sense even trying to make a happy home out of this. They needed to face the reality that they had lost a part of themselves, and now they were just married with kids. No affection, no trust, no love, no desire, no attraction—just married with kids.

  94

  Hide and Seek

  Dakota hadn’t been on Jamaica Avenue in years—the last time was to accompany Tony to do an autograph signing in one of the stores. The Coliseum used to be the place to be when you were in high school, there and Gertz Mall. Jamaica Avenue referred to a certain area of a main street in Queens. They sold sneakers, fitted hats, knockoff designer bags, hair weaves, name it; it was a one-stop shop. Her godsister Ebony told Dakota to come with her there because they had some really good sales on baby stuff at Children’s World. Blankets, lamps, night-lights, ceiling decorations, the stuff for the room décor. She wanted her to come choose some stuff that she liked so she could get it now, and then she would have her baby shower gift. At first Dakota thought that was tacky, but Ebony knew how picky she was and she said she would have to cut her if she didn’t use her gift, so this was to save both of them some trouble.

  They had parked their car on top of the Coliseum—it was far from their destination, but there’s never a parking spot on the Avenue. They were headed down 165th Street, about to turn on Jamaica Avenue, when Dakota heard some girl call her name. She turned around and it was an old friend from high school, Nadia. She looked kind of different, but her face was exactly the same. She came up to Dakota and gave her a hug, and she introduced her to Ebony. It was kind of awkward because it had been so long, she didn’t know what to say to this girl.

  “So how’s life been?” she asked.

  “Pretty good—yourself?”

  “Well, I’m a nurse trying to change careers. What are you doing?”

  “I’m in PR.”

  “That sounds cool,” she said as she reached her hand out to touch Dakota’s stomach. “I see you’re expecting a little one,” she said.

  She hated when people touched her stomach—some days she didn’t mind, but mostly it felt so invasive.

  “Yeah, I’m having a boy.”

  “How many months are you?”

  “Six and a half.”

  “Wow, who’s the father? Are you married?”

  Why did she have to ask me that, am I married? she thought. Did she see a ring on my finger? She was so tired of people asking her who the father was or if she was marrying him, or other nosy questions. She felt sometimes that’s just what they wanted, to make you feel bad.

  “Tony Martin is the father, and no, we are not married.”

  She figured if she had to take the ho card for not being married, she’d have to name-drop. Tacky, but it was the only defense she had.

  “The Tony Martin?” Nadia asked.

  “Yeah,” she said, kind of laughing. “We been on and off for a while.”

  “Wow—well, you go, girl.”

  After Nadia finished congratulating her on getting knocked up by big-time Tony Martin, they exchanged numbers and went on their way. She told Ebony when she walked off, if Nadia only knew the half, she wouldn’t be congratulating her.

  They finally made their way down to Children’s World. The store was crowded with half of South Jamaica, Queens, pulling and grabbing at stuff. Dakota almost turned right back around at the sight of the chaos in the store, but she had come too far. Everything was scattered about, nothing was in order, clothes were mixed with toys, and the baby bedroom stuff was mixed with gift baskets. They were tearing the store up,
and the staff was trying to keep up behind them to fix up.

  She went ahead and chose some things for Ebony to get, and they waited on line. They were waiting there when a fight broke out between two women over a car seat. The dispute seemed to be that one woman had the car seat first, and when she put it down for a second, another lady picked it up. They went from talking loudly to screaming, and it was real close to blows before one of the ladies’ friends stepped in. Dakota couldn’t tell who was getting away with the seat, but she lost interest when she saw she wasn’t going to see a catfight.

  They finished with their purchases and headed back out into busy Jamaica Avenue. They were walking back toward 165th, and coming toward them, she got a glimpse of a familiar face. There, from behind a crowd of people walking toward them, was David. She immediately wished that she could have hidden or disappeared. She didn’t want him to see her like this, with her belly sticking out the way it was. She hadn’t spoken to David in about a month or so, and she didn’t know what he was up to.

  He approached her with a warm smile, almost like he was watching his child graduate from high school. She wasn’t sure how to interpret the look he was giving her, but before she knew it, he was right in front of her. He reached down and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

  “Hey there, mother-to-be,” he said.

  “Hey, Dave,” she said, laughing off his greeting.

  She introduced him to Ebony, asked him what he was doing on Jamaica Avenue, and what he was up to. He said he had to pay his phone bill, and he knew someone in the Sprint store who let him cut the line. Otherwise he said he had been working and doing the same old thing. She didn’t get the feeling from him that her pregnancy bothered him. She started to wonder if she had created in her mind that David cared a lot more about her than he did. It was like she was thinking that the sight of seeing her pregnant would break his heart. She didn’t know why she thought that, because David was standing there, just talking and laughing as if he was just fine. He made reference to how cute she looked pregnant, and that he missed talking to her, but he seemed far from distraught. After a few minutes, they finally said their good-bye’s and went their separate ways. He promised that he would call sometime soon, and she was really hoping he would.

  When they walked away, Ebony asked her, “Was that another Dakota doing? He is cute.”

  “Yeah, I’ve done the butt-naked dance with him quite a few times. There are still times I wish he was the baby’s father.”

  They both laughed, but deep down she meant that. David was a good man, and she messed up with him for her no-good Tony. Some women just don’t learn—they can have all of their priorities mixed up. It was a Saturday—if she didn’t hear from David by tomorrow evening, she was calling him. She needed to get her starting players warmed up—in three months the season would be back in.

  95

  Man’s Job

  Was he out of his mind? Jordan thought to herself. Omar had called her and told her that he wanted custody of Jason.

  “My child that I squeezed out of me in nine hours of labor, you want to take and keep at your apartment with you?” she asked.

  “Yes, he is my child as well. Besides, he needs his father in his life.”

  “I worked hard so he could live in a nice house and have a good life, and you want him to come live with you?”

  “You worked for him to have a nice house, but a good life would have come with a family environment, so save that shit you talking for your acceptance speech at the next law convention. I know better.”

  “You know what, Omar? I’m not arguing about this. My son has a great life, and I’m not willing to subject him to all of this change.”

  “Change—having you as his parent is the change. He is used to me. He doesn’t care about that damn house. He is seven. He needs to be with me, the man in his life. If you think I’m gonna allow you and your punk-ass boyfriend to play family with my son, you must have forgotten who your husband is,” he said, sounding a bit angry.

  “Omar, no one is playing family. Jason is my son.”

  “Well he is not his, he is mine. Sorry you can’t change that, too, but it is what it is. So, why don’t you just stop thinking of yourself for a second, and think of Jason. He would rather live with his father than his mother and her new boyfriend.”

  “He doesn’t live here—he is barely over here for that reason.”

  “Well, look at the bright side—you can have more time for you and your man. I’ll give you a little time to think about it, but let’s not make this any uglier, Jordan,” he said, and he hung up.

  Damn. She finally spoke to Omar, and that was all he had to say to her: Give me my child. He was through with her; now all he wanted was what meant the most to him. What he was asking her was crazy, and she didn’t know what to think. Was she being selfish? Was it time to end this little charade and work things out before her child was put in the middle of this? Then again, who was he to just think he was calling shots? All of this had become such a battle between both sides of Jordan, it was confusing. Half of her felt like, of course you get back with Omar and work this out—really, how far along do you expect this to go with Jayon? The other half felt like she was representing all the women who had been done wrong. Men always think women won’t get fed up and leave them, like they have to just deal with everything. She was proud that she was standing up for herself, and that she was choosing herself. Even if she didn’t stay with Jayon, did she really want to subject herself to being with Omar, never knowing if she could be happy with him? He claimed he would change, but he has said that before. Not to mention that he couldn’t just walk out and change his mind when he wanted to like he did. So, even if it meant making the biggest mistake of her life, she had to take her chances.

  Jordan hoped that maybe one day she and Omar would work things out, maybe years from now when they were at a different place in their lives. She just couldn’t do it right now, couldn’t imagine life with Omar again. However, now that he was asking her to send him Jason, it was reminding her just how serious this whole thing was. Soon, they would have to address their shared property and stuff. She was thankful that they’d had enough of a decent relationship that they hadn’t already started all that ugly stuff. However, now that Jason was an issue, she was sure it wasn’t going to be long before the divorce papers would have to be drafted.

  96

  Too Much

  She didn’t know what it was today, but Chrasey came home with such a chip on her shoulder. It could have been PMS, since her period was coming, but she couldn’t call it and it really didn’t matter. All she knew was that she was not feeling the arrangement that she and Keith had made. She had committed to a life sentence of suffering. He tried to act like it didn’t have to affect them, working their marriage out, but how was that? Every day that went by, she thought about it to some degree. She couldn’t get it off her mind—it didn’t help that anytime she saw a baby, she thought of it. Every time she heard of someone cheating, she thought of it; hell, every time she heard about Brooklyn, she thought of it.

  Chrasey didn’t quite get what made Keith stay—that only made it worse. She never felt like he was there because he wanted to be—she always felt like he thought it was more convenient. Possibly to save face with his family—maybe there was something about Lourdes that she didn’t know, and most likely because he couldn’t afford to be out on his own. You know what they say—it’s cheaper to keep her. He already had three mouths to feed—not including his wife, because Chrasey could handle herself. If he had to pay for two households, he would be stressed out completely, because he couldn’t even do one by himself. So, she wasn’t sure if Keith had taken all of that into account and that was why he was staying home. Either way, he didn’t act like he wanted to be there.

  She came in the door from a long day’s work, and decided that she wasn’t cooking dinner. She was going to make the kids some sandwiches, and Keith would have to handle it himself. She
wasn’t up for waiting on him hand and foot. If he didn’t like it too bad—he should have gone out to dinner with Lourdes. That was another thing—she found herself trying to be this perfect wife at home, so she could feel like he had no room to complain. As a woman, she didn’t want to feel she was the reason he’d left. Half the time it’s nothing the woman did—these men just don’t know how to behave. The sad part is, most of the time it’s for a woman that doesn’t even compare to the woman they have.

  When the kids finished eating their sandwiches, Chrasey went upstairs for a bit to relax. She figured she would get up and get the kids ready for bed shortly, but for the moment she was just letting them play in the bedroom. While she was sitting on the bed, watching television, Keith came home. He came up to the bedroom and asked about dinner. She wanted to laugh at him, or tell him where he could go. Instead, she went to the deeper issue.

  “Keith, I don’t think I can do this ...”

  “What?” he asked.

  “I don’t think I can do this, Keith ... this ... our marriage. . . I really don’t know if it’s possible to repair what we have broken.”

  She could see in Keith’s face that this isn’t what he wanted to hear. Not in an I’m not in the mood way, but in a please don’t say this way.

  “Chrasey, we haven’t even been trying that long—it’s going to take time.”

  “How much time, Keith? Time to heal the pain? Time to learn how to not think about it every day? What kind of time you talking?”

  “Chrasey, we both have to deal with some things. If we just stick together, we can do it.”

  “Keith, those marriage-counselor lines don’t work for everyone. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things, and trust will never live here again.”

  Keith sat down on the bed behind her. Their backs were facing each other, so he couldn’t see her and she couldn’t see him.

  “And I’m not sure I want to live like that,” she said.