by Ari McKay
Dane was silent for a moment, taken aback at the revelation. What she said made perfect sense and explained so much. So how was he supposed to break the cycle?
“I guess it is,” he said slowly, his mind churning as he tried to see his way to a clear path. “The way I see it, I’ve got two options. Either I maintain the status quo, or I try to unlearn the pattern.”
“Please, Dane. You have to do what makes you happy!” His mother leaned closer, her eyes pleading with him. “Please don’t end up the way I have. It would break my heart.”
“Even if it means I end up with another man?” The words were out before Dane consciously realized they were on his tongue, and he froze, hoping he hadn’t just alienated his mother.
To his surprise, Diana didn’t bat an eye. “If he makes you happy, that’s all that matters to me.”
“Really?” Dane almost went limp with relief. He’d spoken the words out loud, and nothing bad had happened. Well, not this time. “But there’s going to be hell to pay if he ever finds out.”
“He’ll live,” she replied fervently. “This is your decision and your life. I’ll love you no matter what you choose. But you will have to make a choice, won’t you? If it’s between your father and the man you love… well. Randolph won’t keep you warm at night.”
Memories of his brief encounter with Cal made Dane’s face turn hot and his body tighten, and he pushed them aside. “I don’t have to choose right now,” he replied, shaking his head.
Diana raised one eyebrow, but then she nodded slowly. “Perhaps not, but there’s Portia to consider too. Your engagement party is next week. You’ll need to decide what to do about it.”
“I know.” Dane released a heavy sigh and raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t stay in this limbo much longer. I have to break it off or commit to her completely. No more half-assing it either way.”
“I know it’s not easy, darling. Oh, how I know!” Diana rested her hand on his knee. “Just remember that I love you and support you, no matter what.”
“Thanks.” He rested his hand atop hers and gave her a grateful smile, relieved to know that whatever happened, he wouldn’t lose both of his parents—or at least, not the one who mattered most to him. “It’s getting late. I should go before he gets home.”
“That might be best. At least until you’ve made up your mind.” She stood up. “But if you need to talk, even if you don’t want me to do anything but listen, please come see me, all right? I may not be much help, but I’ll do what I can.”
Dane stood as well and moved to embrace her, taking comfort in the one familiar, stable thing in his life. “I will, I promise.”
Diana clung to him, hugging him tightly. “Good.” She released him and stepped back. “You’ll make the right decision, Dane. I have faith in you.”
He smiled and said goodbye, but as he headed to the front door, he had to wonder if her faith in him was misplaced. He certainly didn’t have much faith in himself. The worst part was that he faced a difficult path no matter what he decided. There was no easy way out this time, and he knew he had to decide which of the two mountains he thought would be worth climbing in the long run.
It was enough to make him seriously consider leaving everything behind and running off to Tahiti.
Chapter Five
A COLD rain was falling as Cal sat in a small cafe just across the street from Dane’s apartment building. He’d been there for almost an hour, drinking cup after cup of coffee as the few Sunday afternoon shoppers hurried by the windows, juggling umbrellas and bags from Saks and Bergdorf. There was a low hum of conversation all around him, but for once he had no interest in people watching. Instead he was wrestling with an almost overwhelming desire to see Dane, while acknowledging to himself that seeing Dane wasn’t likely to change anything.
It had been almost a month since the announcement of Dane’s engagement, and while Caldwell and Monroe had managed to derail more than two dozen of Randolph Coulter’s cases—to Randolph’s growing fury—Cal was about ready to admit that it wasn’t going to be enough to bring his rival down, not before Valentine’s Day, and maybe not even before Dane’s actual wedding. He’d hoped that his efforts would give Dane the courage to stand up to his father, but as each day passed and Dane didn’t appear to tell him that he’d told his father to go to hell, Cal found it more and more likely that it would never happen.
Cal tried to remain hopeful, but he was becoming certain that if he couldn’t convince Dane to confront his father before his engagement ball, he might as well throw in the towel. He was almost desperate enough to try grabbing Dane and spiriting him out of town, but that wasn’t really a solution. Whatever happened, it had to be Dane’s choice, because Dane would never respect Cal for forcing him into anything. And rightfully so, as much as it pained Cal to admit. Trying to force Dane into anything would make Cal no better than Randolph Coulter.
Still, it wouldn’t hurt to see Dane and remind him that Cal was still fighting for him. It was hell having to pretend they weren’t even friends and knowing Dane’s fiancée was spending time with Dane that had once been Cal’s. In trying to protect Dane from Randolph’s anger, Cal might have unintentionally given this Portia woman an opportunity to put her own hooks into Dane, to bring her own pressure to bear to make certain the engagement and marriage happened according to plan. After all, the woman had been Randolph’s choice for Dane, so Cal had no reason to believe she wasn’t doing everything she could to make sure Dane followed through.
The thought incensed him enough that Cal rose, suddenly determined to see Dane, and damn the consequences. If the fiancée was there, well, that was just too bad for her, and Cal probably should have sized her up before now anyway.
After leaving a generous tip for the waitress, Cal pushed back his chair and reached for his raincoat, and he donned it before making his way across the street and into Dane’s building. He nodded to the man at the security desk but didn’t stop. He’d been here often enough that he was known, and besides, there wasn’t any way he was going to be stopped now that he’d made up his mind.
He rode the elevator up to Dane’s floor, then strode down the hall and rapped on Dane’s door, hoping Dane hadn’t done something like spend the night at his parents’ home.
But a few moments later, the door opened and Dane appeared, looking surprised but not alarmed at finding Cal on his doorstep.
“Is something wrong?” Dane asked as he stood aside to let Cal in. “You look serious.”
Cal stepped inside and drew in a deep breath, forcing himself to relax. He turned to look at Dane, noting the worry line between his brown eyes. Dane also seemed to have lost a bit of weight, a sure sign of stress, and Cal summoned up a crooked smile. “I just needed to see you,” he said softly. “It’s been hell to have to pretend we aren’t friends. I miss you.”
The tension in Dane’s face eased a little, and his eyes grew warm as he looked at Cal. “I miss you too. This has been really hard.”
Cal stepped closer. “How are things going for you? Is Randolph still giving you hell about me?”
“Not as much. Between the engagement party and dealing with everything you’re throwing at him, he doesn’t have a lot of time and attention to spare for me lately,” Dane said, a mischievous gleam in his eyes.
Despite the reassurance that Randolph wasn’t taking his frustrations out on Dane as much, Cal couldn’t quite suppress a grimace at the mention of the engagement party. “I guess that’s a good thing.”
“It’s given me time to think,” Dane said, searching Cal’s face intently.
“Oh?” Cal felt a flare of hope. “What about?”
“About the future.” Dane headed to the living room, glancing back questioningly at Cal as if to see if he was coming. “Is it too early for a drink? I feel like I could use one for this.”
“To be honest, I could use one too,” Cal admitted. He took off his raincoat and draped it on the coat-tree, then moved into the livin
g room, taking his usual place on Dane’s sofa. “It’s been a difficult month.”
Dane went to the small bar, and when he returned, he handed Cal a glass of whiskey—neat, just the way Cal liked it—and sat down on the couch with a glass of bourbon for himself.
“Portia is adamant about Father not interfering with our marriage,” he said. “No matter which way I go, I’ve got to take a stand against him. It seems I’ve finally reached the point where passivity is no longer an option unless I end the engagement, which will create its own set of problems. The only way I can escape it is to run off to Tahiti,” he added with a mirthless smile.
Cal sipped at his drink even as his heart sank down into the pit of his stomach. Dane might have realized he had to fight his father, but if Portia seemed to be his ally, Dane probably considered that to be a compromise that would be easier to live with than throwing aside everything to be with Cal.
It was on the tip of his tongue to blurt out that he could have plane tickets in his hand in five minutes, but that wouldn’t be fair to Dane; he’d either feel pressured to agree or feel bad for hurting Cal’s feelings by turning him down.
“I see.” It wasn’t much, but Cal didn’t have any idea what else he could say. Or should say.
Dane stared down into the amber depths of the bourbon, seeming lost in thought. “How difficult would it be to start over, do you think?” he asked at last. “If I tell Father the truth, I’ll be out a job and a place to live. I’m not sure where to go from there. I’ve never had to worry about it before.”
“You can do anything you set your mind to,” Cal replied. “You’re a great attorney. There’s a place for you at Caldwell and Monroe anytime you want it, but I have no doubt other firms would be more than happy to have you.” As much as it pained him, Cal couldn’t make Dane feel like breaking free of his father meant he would be expected to run right into Cal’s arms. Cal might want that, because he loved Dane, but Dane had to feel free to make his own decision. Even if that decision might not include Cal Monroe.
Dane knocked back his bourbon and set the glass aside. “I wish I could be as optimistic as you are,” he said, leaning back with a sigh. “I keep envisioning Father getting me blackballed everywhere.”
Cal sighed. “He’s not a supervillain, Dane. He’s not everywhere, and not everyone thinks he’s as great as he thinks.” He’d had this discussion with Dane before, but he knew that years of being crushed under Randolph’s heel were hard to overcome despite Cal’s encouragement. “Look at what I’ve done to him in the last month. New York isn’t the only place you could practice, if it comes to that. I know you don’t want to leave your mother alone, but New Jersey is close by, or you could get a position teaching law instead of practicing it. You have options. All you have to do is make the decision to take one of them.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Dane murmured.
“I’m not saying it’s easy, Dane,” Cal admitted. He gave in and put his hand on Dane’s shoulder. “But it’s not complicated either. You just have to figure out what you really want, and what you’re willing to give up in order to attain it. I have no doubt that it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, but at least it would be your life, not the one your father has been scripting since the day you were born.”
As if the touch had opened some kind of door, Dane shifted closer and leaned against Cal, seeming to seek comfort. “I want that. I do. It’s just more overwhelming and frightening than I can say.”
“I know.” It was a bittersweet feeling to have Dane so close, but Cal didn’t have the heart to push him away. Instead he leaned forward to put his glass on the coffee table, then slid his arm around Dane’s shoulders, holding him, offering what comfort he could. “He’s made you doubt yourself for so long I know you must feel like there’s nothing you can do but give in. But you don’t have to. And no matter what, I’m here for you. I love you, Dane. I’ll never stop, no matter what you decide.”
“That helps,” Dane said, burrowing deeper into Cal’s embrace. “More than you’ll ever know. I’m sorry if it seems selfish and weak of me, but I need you, Cal.”
“It’s not selfish or weak,” Cal replied. He leaned his cheek against Dane’s head and closed his eyes, telling himself that if this was all he could have, it would be enough. It would have to be. “I wish I could do more to help you. I almost wish Randolph would try to attack me, so that I could break his neck and put him out of both our misery.”
“He’s got too much self-preservation instinct for that,” Dane said with a little snort. “He’s arrogant but not stupid enough to take someone like you on physically. He knows he’d get his ass handed to him, and he couldn’t bear it.”
“Too bad,” Cal murmured. He rubbed Dane’s arm slowly, wishing…. He stopped himself. All the wishing in the world wasn’t going to help Dane. Or help Cal, for that matter. “Anything I can do for you, I will. Just let me know.”
“Thanks.” Dane released a long, slow sigh and slowly drew back. “But this is one time it’s all on me.”
“I know.” Cal summoned up a smile as he leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Dane’s. “I love you enough to let you make your own decision and to support you, no matter what that decision might be.”
Tears shimmered in Dane’s eyes, and he drew in a deep, shaky breath as if to steady himself. “And that’s why I need you,” he whispered.
Cal cupped Dane’s jaw with his palm, wanting to kiss Dane again, wanting to dry his tears and make all his problems go away. He was about to lean in to claim another kiss when someone knocked on Dane’s door.
Dane jumped, startled, and then he scrubbed his face with both hands. “It’s probably Portia,” he said, giving Cal an apologetic look as he stood up. “Her parents are in town early to do some sightseeing and shopping before the party, and we’re supposed to meet them later.”
Dane went to open the door, and when he returned to the living room with Portia in tow, he glanced back and forth between them, the anxiety returning to his expression. “Cal, this is my fiancée, Portia Ainsworth-Simms. Portia, this is my best friend, Cal Monroe.”
Portia stepped forward and held out her hand, smiling warmly at Cal. “It’s nice to meet you,” she said. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about you from Dane.”
Cal had risen when Dane led Portia in, and he kept himself from snarling at the woman, but he couldn’t bring himself to smile. Instead he pinned on what Dane had once called his “courtroom face,” his expression serious. The woman was interrupting what was likely the last time he would have with Dane that was his alone, and he resented it.
“Ms. Ainsworth-Simms,” he said, taking her hand, pressing it briefly before releasing it. He knew the things he should say, but he couldn’t bring himself to say them, because they would be lies, and he hated to lie. He also didn’t trust her, and he slanted a glance at Dane, wondering why Dane thought she wouldn’t go running to Randolph with the news that their friendship was alive and well. “I suppose I should be going.”
Portia studied Dane for a moment, her brow furrowing, and then she flicked her gaze back to Cal. “I hope you aren’t running off on my account,” she said, her expression turning speculative.
“Dane said you have plans, so I’ll leave you to them.” Cal inclined his head politely. It would be so easy to give in to hating her, but if Dane went through with the marriage, no doubt this woman would try to keep Cal away if she realized how he really felt, so he made himself look at her dispassionately, as though she were a rival attorney on the other side of a case. For a moment he wished he could be as slimy as Randolph Coulter, that the social fibs would come to him as easily as they did to Dane’s father, but that wasn’t who he was.
“Maybe we can get together another time,” Dane said, glancing back and forth between them anxiously, and Cal recognized he was heading into fixer/pleaser mode, as he usually did when he sensed tension.
“That would be lovely,” Portia said.<
br />
“Maybe after your social calendar frees up,” Cal replied. The last thing he wanted to do was spend any time with this woman, though no doubt he would end up trying for Dane’s sake. He glanced at Dane, his expression softening. “Remember what I said, all right?”
“I will,” Dane said somberly.
“Good.” With that, Cal nodded to them both, then headed toward the door, grabbing up his raincoat and making his escape. He knew Portia was probably going to grill Dane, and he was sorry for that, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t fake any liking for Portia, and if he’d known she would be stopping by, he would have made his escape before her arrival. Dane would manage, and Cal doubted that the woman would do or say anything to risk Dane getting angry. She almost had the golden goose in her clutches, after all. Which was as unfair a thought as Cal had ever had about anyone, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.
He’d lost. He knew it in his heart. Dane needed him, and maybe Dane even loved him as a friend, but it wasn’t going to be enough. Randolph had done too good a job crushing Dane’s spirit, and whether Portia was supporting Randolph’s views or not, no doubt she had her own agenda, or she never would have agreed to marry a man who didn’t love her. No doubt she wanted the money and the name, and she wouldn’t care that Dane’s spirit was being crushed in the process.
And she sure as hell wouldn’t care that she was helping to break Cal Monroe’s heart.
DANE WATCHED Cal go, wishing he’d had the courage to tell Cal the truth. But he’d learned at an early age how to hide his feelings, and now he had a difficult time revealing how he really felt even when it was safe to do so. So he’d said he needed Cal when he meant he loved Cal because he was afraid of admitting the truth. Afraid of what might happen if he did.
Mustering a smile, he turned his attention to Portia. “Are your parents settled in at the hotel?”
Portia nodded. “I got the distinct impression that your best friend hates my guts.”
