He didn’t have to go, he knew that. When his mom told him that his father had left to live with his girlfriend, she had also told him not to rush home. She had told him that his aunt, her sister, would be staying with her for a while, there was no need to drop any classes.
But, at the same time, he couldn’t stay. Not when he knew his mother was at home without him. Not when it was almost Christmas and his father had…
Truth be told, he’d known his father would leave for a long time. Noah had hoped that his mother would kick him out before he could, but that was always a pipe dream.
Even before he’d seen that picture. That horrible, graphic picture on his father’s phone combined with that much too intimate text from a woman from their church, Noah had known that his father wouldn’t stay with them.
He’d been expecting that phone call from his mom. He’d told himself that he was prepared for it. He wasn’t.
Maybe it was his mother’s sobs on the other end, the way her voice kept breaking, the way he could almost hear her heart breaking inside her chest on the other end of the line. It was ten times worse than Noah had imagined.
What made it even more horrible was that he knew his mother blamed herself. She had even said so that night. She’d let herself go, she wasn’t there enough for him, she was too focused on the house or Noah.
Noah told her not to do that; told her that this wasn’t her fault. She didn’t believe him. Something inside her still insisted that Noah’s father walked on water and she was dirt beneath his feet.
Maybe he was going back home to try and convince his mother that wasn’t true. Something inside of him told him that if he could stay with his mom, if he could help her, talk to her, eventually she would see what a dirt bag his father truly was.
Or, maybe, Noah’s father was the reason Noah was really going back. He couldn’t deny that some fantasy in the back of Noah’s mind conjured up images of beating his dad to a pulp. Of yelling at him, cursing him, screaming at him. Shaking him until he understood the damage he had truly done.
For all Noah’s father’s talk about Heaven and Hell and a God of both judgment and infinite mercy, he didn’t seem ready to accept judgment for his own sins. He didn’t seem to acknowledge them at all. He was sure he hadn’t resigned from the church, why should he? From that pulpit, he could make anything he did sound perfectly fine. Justified.
Noah realized now, that all his life he had heard his father stand on an altar and create a God in his own image. A God with infinite mercy for him and infinite judgment for everyone else.
The thought of it now nearly made Noah physically sick. His hands shook as he forcefully pressed the last of his pants into the suitcase. He desperately wanted to curse his father, curse the God he worshiped, and be done with both of them.
He slammed the case shut and jumped when a beeping sound issued from his phone. A text.
Feeling distinctly irritated with whoever was on the other end of that line, he picked it up and looked at the screen. Joanie.
His heart lifted in his chest and he immediately regretted the irritation he had felt as he read the words she sent him. Instead, a feeling of elation mixed with guilt filled him as he read. She’d tried to talk to him since that night, since he’d kissed her and rushed off, leaving her on the church steps. He hadn’t answered her. He’d had no idea what to say.
Now, she was reaching out again. Why she still bothered was beyond him. He knew he didn’t deserve her attention. After the way he treated her, she should never want to speak to him again. But, here she was.
Hey Noah, I know you’re leaving today. I just wanted to say, I’m sorry about... whatever happened. I know it must have been really traumatic for you, whatever it was. And, don’t worry about me. I know you will. But, don’t. I’ll be fine. God’s looking after me. I know he’s looking after you too, even if you don’t know it. Anyway, don’t give up on him. See you soon, I hope. -Joanie
Noah looked down at the text and read it a few times over, not quite knowing what to do with it.
“Don’t give up on him,” she said. It was such a naive, childish statement. He would have laughed if he hadn’t known she was serious.
Instead, he touched his phone, running his fingers over the words on the screen as though they were a part of her. As though he could feel her there through them.
She believed, desperately believed, in the same God his father did. But, when Joanie talked about him, they didn’t seem like the same thing at all.
Joanie didn’t wear a fake smile. She hadn’t grown up in a perfect house with a perfect two-parent family. She hadn’t been sheltered completely from the world.
She had a father she’d never met. A single mother who pressured her to no end. She was the only one in her family who believed the things that she did. She had almost no support.
But, she believed anyway. She said it gave her purpose. A purpose she wouldn’t have on her own.
Still staring at the screen, holding his phone in front of him, Noah sank down on his bed and wondered, not for the first time, what it might be like to feel like he had a purpose the way Joanie did. To feel as though there was a purpose outside of his father, outside of his mom, outside of this school, even outside of his music. To feel as though something greater, bigger than he could ever imagine, had a plan for him.
He set the phone down on his bed, heaved a sigh and closed his eyes. He knew he couldn’t believe in the God his father talked about from his pulpit. The God who punished his dad’s enemies and praised his dad in all he did, like a father with a favorite child or a mafia boss who took bribes. No, he couldn’t trust that God.
But, maybe, that wasn’t the true God anyway. Maybe, his dad had been wrong, as he was wrong about so much. Maybe, just maybe, the true God was the one that Joanie talked about. The God who would open the gates to the Holy City, the one who would dry the tears from the eyes of his children. The God who would punish the wicked for the evil they had done to others and not just for being different. The God who gave purpose.
There was only one way to know for sure. With another sigh, his heart pounding, and something in the back of his mind reminding him how stupid this was, Noah opened his mouth and did something he hadn’t done in at least two years.
“God?” he said shakily. “I don’t know if this is going to work. I don’t even know if you’re there. But... if you are... I’m a little lost here. I’m pissed off at my Dad, I want to be there for my mom, but I want to be there for Joanie too. I know she needs me as much as mom does.”
He paused unsure how to proceed. It felt strange to talk aloud into a room to someone he couldn’t see, someone who could not answer back. Unless…
“Look, I... I know this might be against the rules or... whatever... but, I would really appreciate it if you could give me a sign or something,” he said. “Just tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
He stared stupidly into the silent room for a full two minutes, not knowing what to expect. A part of him pictured some angelic messenger in white, complete with wings coming through his ceiling to give him advice. Another part of him laughed at that image; laughed at the idea of receiving any kind of sign at all.
After a full two minutes, with nothing but an empty, silent room for his troubles, Noah gave into the small chuckle he’d been holding back. He shouldn’t have expected anything.
Standing up, he grabbed his suitcase from the bed intending to move it towards the door. It was a full two hours before he was supposed to leave, still better to be prepared.
Just as he began to move towards the door, a different beep issued from his phone, cutting through the silence like a knife. In spite of himself, he jumped and he felt his heartbeat began to race.
The racing did not stop when he looked down at the source of the beep. It was a calendar reminder. A little icon reminded him that Joanie’s audition was in one hour.
Noah nearly dropped his phone in shock and he felt the blood run out of his face.
The calendar reminder was not what was strange. He always scheduled reminders for important rehearsals and performances on his phone. But, this reminder... he had erased it. He was sure... positive he had. He remembered doing it. Remembered the knot in his stomach stabbing him with guilty pangs as he did.
But now, here it was. Staring back at him like those guilty, stabbing pains had never happened. Like he had never pressed the delete button.
With a gasp, he realized this was it. This was what he had asked for.
True, it wasn’t angels invading his dorm room. It wasn’t a burning bush or a booming voice. But, he supposed, it only made sense for God to communicate with a twenty-first-century college student in the language they understood best. Apple.
Chuckling to himself, this time in wonder rather than in derision, Noah abandoned his suitcase by the side of his dorm room door and sprinted, as fast as he could, towards the music building.
*****
Joanie
The choir room was not sound proof either. And as luck would have it, that’s where all the auditions were currently taking place. That meant that Joanie could hear each note that was sung or played as she sat in a chair beside the door, anxiously clutching her hands and keeping a steady eye out for her accompanist.
She’d hired a young man just one week before to replace Noah. Truth be told, he wasn’t much of a replacement. Though he was a piano student, he had much less experience as an accompanist than Noah had. Not to mention he had only been able to rehearse with her once before today. He’d been late then too.
She jumped from her chair when the door to the choir room opened.
“Joanie Meeks?” the auditor asked.
“Yes,” Joanie said standing so quickly from her seat that her music books fell from her lap. The auditor bit back a condescending smile that made Joanie’s face grow red.
“You’ll be next if you’re ready,” the woman said.
“My accompanist isn’t here yet,” Joanie said feeling her voice become anxious.
“Oh,” the auditor said looking down the hall as if expecting to see a pianist entering. “Well, then, I guess we can put someone else ahead of you.”
“Thanks,” Joanie said, defeated. With a swift smile, the auditor went into the room and closed the door behind her.
Only a few minutes passed before Joanie heard the sound of a fully voiced soprano belting a Tosca aria from the choir room. She felt her face grow red again at the thought that she would have to follow this performer. She only had art songs and a few simple arias. Nothing as complicated or impressive as Puccini.
Not to mention, the waiting was putting her on edge. She wished fervently that her accompanist had been on time so that she could just get this whole thing over with.
As the time ticked on, Joanie couldn’t help but feel an angry surge rise in her chest. She twisted her hands forcefully in her lap and directed her rage, not at her constantly late accompanist, but at Noah.
She’d replied to the message he’d sent her telling her that he couldn’t accompany her anymore. She hadn’t received any answer back. She’d sent another one this morning, hoping for some kind of response but none came.
Honestly, what kind of man would kiss a girl and then rush off without saying a word. What kind of man would then proceed to cut ties with her by text? Honestly, it was almost the same as breaking up with someone by text. Though, as she firmly reminded herself, she and Noah had never really been together. One kiss did not a relationship make. And, judging by his behavior now, it was clear that he never wanted one with her.
At the thought of that, half angry and half despondent tears began to form in her eyes. She took two deep breaths and told herself to get a grip. This forceful frustration was doing her no good. She knew there was only one thing that would.
With a sigh, she pressed her eyes closed and began to pray, silently. She prayed for peace, she prayed for calm. She prayed for her accompanist to finally show up. And, most of all, she prayed for Noah.
Even though it was difficult, even though her anger with him was still welling inside her chest, she did worry about him. After all, that block in his mind, that horrible feeling or memory that kept him from believing in God, also seemed to have kept him from believing in her. She was beginning to think it had kept him from believing in himself.
She prayed that somehow, through some sort of miraculous intercession, God would be able to remove it.
She wasn’t sure how long she stayed there, hands clutched in a fold, eyes furiously closed. It was only a gentle, breathless voice in front of her that made her open them again.
“Joanie?” it asked.
Her eyes flew open at the sound. She blinked twice to be entirely sure of what she was seeing.
Standing little ways down the hall from her, out of breath and a little red in the face was Noah. She looked down at his hand. He carried a binder she recognized with her music inside it.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he said slowly. “I just talked to that new accompanist you hired. Asked him if I could play for you today.”
Unbidden, a smile crossed her face and she felt her heart lift. Without realizing fully what she was doing, she stood from her chair and rushed towards him. She heard his binder drop in surprise as her arms circled his chest.
It was only one moment before he’d wrapped his own arms around her waist, just as he had that night, one week before. This time, he didn’t pull away. Didn’t run from her as though she carried some deadly disease. This time, he pulled her in tightly and rested his chin against her hair.
After what could have been hours, Joanie pulled back to look at him.
“I thought you were going home today,” she said.
“I was,” he answered. “I think I still am. I just... needed to do this first.”
“What made you change your mind?” she asked. His arms were still around her waist and hers stayed draped around his neck as she looked into his eyes. A strange smile came to his face, making them gleam in a way she’d never seen before.
“You’re not going to believe it,” he said. “But, I think God did.”
Her heart stopped and her eyes narrowed skeptically of their own accord.
“I thought you didn’t believe in God,” she said.
“I didn’t think I did either,” he answered. “Until just a few minutes ago. I’m... I’m not sure what made me do it but... I prayed. And, something... lead me here.”
“You’re sure it was him?” Joanie asked. He looked at her as though he was still a bit dazed and skeptical himself.
“Pretty positive,” he said. “He... he sent a message to my phone.”
“Your phone?” she asked blinking in surprise, wondering if she should step away from him. If whatever had happened at home had driven him over the edge.
“I know it sounds crazy,” he said, clearly anticipating her reaction. Then, he told her about his calendar reminder and how he was sure he had deleted it.
“I guess I could have been wrong,” he said. “I could have forgotten to take the reminder off. But... I don’t think I was. And, even if I wasn’t. I’ll still take it as a sign. Does that sound crazy?”
He looked at her as though he was still slightly skeptical. Still working this whole God and faith thing out; wondering if she would work it out with him.
With a smile, she stood on her toes and, gently, brought her lips up to his. It was a short kiss, just a brief gentle meeting of their lips. Still, the warmth from it spread through Joanie’s entire being when she pulled away.
“Not crazy at all,” she answered him.
As she leaned in for another kiss, the door creaked open. They both jumped apart and looked wide eyed and blushing at the auditor standing in the doorway.
“I see you’ve found your accompanist,” she said with a sly smile.
Joanie looked down, heat racing through her face, unable to answer. She only looked up again when she felt Noah’s soft, warm hand entw
ine with hers.
“We’re ready whenever you are,” he said confidently to the auditor.
“All right then,” she answered, “right this way.”
As she led them into the room, Noah’s hand stayed firmly encircled in Joanie’s. When she looked up at him, he gave her a bright smile and a wink.
Suddenly she realized that, maybe, the outcome of this audition didn’t matter as much as she thought it did. Maybe getting accepted into the vocal performance program wasn’t the entire purpose for her being at this school. Maybe, just maybe, the reason God wanted her exactly where she was, was holding her hand as he led her to the piano in the large choir room.
After all, God did work in mysterious ways.
THE END
Bonus Story 14 of 20
The First Day of Summer
“Well, it does indeed look like you will be parents,” the doctor said with a wide smile on his face.
Anna and Micah grinned at each other and back at the doctor. Anna dabbed a handkerchief that she had sewn herself to dry her large, brown eyes, and Micah’s were a brighter green than they normally were.
Micah squeezed her shoulder.
“Oh, I can’t believe it!” Anna said, her face flushed and glowing beneath her ivory prayer cap. She clapped her hands together.
The warm sun filtered in through the windows, creating a comfortable and peaceful feeling in the room.
The doctor pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bench the couple sat upon. He drew a pair of eyeglasses from the pocket of his coat, and adjusted the stethoscope around his neck.
“The baby seems healthy, and is growing at a good rate. You’re definitely where you should be for being about twelve weeks along.”
“When is the baby due?” Micah asked.
“Well, it appears that…” the doctor flipped up a page on his clipboard. “Ah, yes. December twenty-first, give or take a few days.”
“That’s very close to your birthday,” Micah said to Anna, who nodded in reply.
Sunlight and Shadows Page 44
