But this was Dash. And I was starting to realize everything about Dash had seemed different than things had been with other people. And I was excited to meet his parents.
He met my eyes. “Seriously, Eric, you don’t have to. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I shook my head, swallowing again. “I want to. I really do.”
He took a deep breath. “Well… okay then. I’ll let them know we should get dinner together in a few days.”
I nodded, moving in and kissing him, soft and light. “I’ll see you soon, Dash.”
I woke up the day that I was supposed to meet Dash and his parents for dinner with a smile on my face. I couldn’t believe who I was turning into—since when was it exciting for me to meet someone’s parents?
But as I went about my daily routine, showering, tidying the house, and of course playing video games, I couldn’t think about anything else. I was nervous, to be sure, but I realized that I was going to get to learn so much about Dash that night. He could be really quiet about his past sometimes, and wasn’t the type to share willingly, so I couldn’t wait to get a glimpse into what his home life might have been like.
But… a small, nagging voice in my head kept reminding me that it probably wouldn’t matter anyway.
Because Dash didn’t want me.
I’d pretty much laid my cards on the table for him—he knew I had feelings for him, that I’d be willing to give our relationship a shot for real. But he clearly didn’t feel the same way, and I knew I couldn’t change that.
And it made sense, because somewhere deep down I agreed. I was still convinced that no part of me deserved him. The sex was amazing, and the time I spent alone with Dash was just as good.
Maybe if I met his parents, he could see me in a different light. Maybe he’d realize that I really can be a good person, that I’d changed and I wasn’t just the “player” everyone thought I was.
It was a long shot, but it was all I had.
An hour before I was slated to go have dinner with them, my phone rang, and I was glad to see Dash’s name on the screen.
“Hey Dash! So, where are we headed tonight?” I said.
“Oh, uh, well… my dad actually isn’t feeling well, so I don’t think we’re gonna go anywhere tonight.”
I felt my heart sinking right away. “Oh, really?” I said. “I’m so sorry, I hope he’s okay.”
“He’s definitely fine. He just needs to rest. But I’m sure you’ll see my parents at the season finale taping.”
“Right, right. Well, okay, Dash, thanks for letting me know.”
“See you soon, Eric.”
“You too.”
After staring into the middle distance for a while, trying to rein in my disappointment, I got under the covers of my bed and buried myself in them for a few minutes. Wallowing was unusual behavior for me, but fuck, everything I’d been doing since meeting Dash was unusual. He did things to me that I couldn’t really understand.
I had no idea why I cared so much.
I guess I’d thought tonight would be the night I could impress his parents, impress him, and finally maybe convince him to be my boyfriend.
It was stupid as hell, and I knew it.
After a while I realized I needed to get the fuck out of the house. Anxiety about the dinner had morphed into a growing dread that I’d somehow never find true love.
So I went out for a walk, first wandering aimlessly, without a direction, and then realizing I was headed toward Fries. I hadn’t been there in too long, and it seemed like the perfect place to hide out, eat good food, and restore faith in myself.
I got my food and beer and sat down, and soon Jim, the owner, came and joined me.
“How’s it going, Eric? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Used to be you’d come every week.” His eyes twinkled at me past the wrinkled skin around them.
I sighed, smiling at him. “I know,” I said, “It’s my fault. I’ve gotten so caught up in work, and….” I trailed off.
“And that fine young fellow you’ve been dating. I remember him,” Jim said with a smile.
“Yeah,” I said with a laugh. “I know. I met him here, and now he’s my damn co-host. The world is a strange place.”
“Well, it at least seems like you’re happier with him than you ever were with Abe,” Jim said.
“Oh God yes,” I blurted out. “I mean, yeah. Dash couldn’t be more different than Abe.”
He chuckled.
“Hey… Jim?” I asked, glancing up at him.
“What’s up?”
“Do you… do you think I’m a bad person?”
He barked out a short laugh. “Bad person? What? Where is this coming from?”
I sighed. “I… kind of feel like sometimes I’m an overgrown child. I grew up so fast in my career, and yet… when I take stock of my life, what do I have to show for it? I have no family, no one to go home to…”
“That certainly doesn’t make you a bad person,” he said, “And you just said yourself that you’ve got Dash now, right?”
“I don’t deserve him, and he doesn’t know that yet.”
“Now I really don’t think that’s true, Eric. You’re a great guy. I’ve seen it since I met you. I think your biggest issue might be what you think of yourself, not what they’d think of you.”
“You’re probably right, Jim.”
I finished eating, fiddling with my drink and chatting idly with Jim about the show and about his recent adventures in gardening, and despite Jim’s pep talk I still felt like shit. Guilt had taken the place of anxiety and turned the evening sad instead of frenetic.
Could I be a good boyfriend to Dash? Or would I always be holding back?
I tossed my empty beer bottle in the recycle and pushed open the door to step outside. I thought maybe I’d even walk down to the beach for a while and just let the breeze wash over me before going home.
There were people coming into the store just as I was leaving and I held open the door behind me. A middle-aged woman smiled at me and then gave me a double-take, as if she maybe recognized me from the show. I smiled at her, and then looked to see Dash rounding the corner of the street, walking toward the store after her.
My first instinct was joy, when I saw him—but it quickly melted into panic, and deep realization.
I was holding open the door for Dash’s mom. And Dash was right there, coming toward me.
He wasn’t at home, at all. He was going out to dinner with his mom still.
As Dash stepped closer he just looked at me, giving me a long stare. “Eric. I—”
“Dash….” I couldn’t even finish my thought. Had he really lied to me over the phone? “I thought you were staying home?”
He fidgeted, not meeting my eyes. “Well, my dad’s at home, but my mom and I still decided to go out, and….”
I looked into the store, where his mom had stepped inside, and was looking back, probably wondering where Dash was. She was looking at us with a completely knowing stare—clearly she knew that something was up.
And I realized that this had probably been completely my own fault.
I’d been too pushy, too eager, and Dash wasn’t ready. It was sad, more than anything else.
I looked back to Dash and just saw that he was shaking his head, his face crestfallen.
“I’ve… I’ve gotta go,” I said. My stomach was lurching, and I stepped out onto the sidewalk, letting the door swing shut behind me.
As I walked down the sidewalk I was in a daze. I considered heading back, talking to Dash, and either trying to apologize or asking him why he thought he had to lie to me. But it was no use, and certainly not what I should be doing in front of his mom.
I also realized that this was now his mom’s first impression of me.
Tears started to stream down my face as I walked back up the hill to my house—both from frustration and disappointment.
Because I’d realized that I was never going to be able to be with Das
h.
Sixteen
Dash
Halfway through dinner with my mom, my phone buzzed in my pocket.
>>ERIC: I know this will mean nothing to you but please come see me later tonight. Please.
I read the message quick and then quickly slipped my phone back in my pocket. I had a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach, guilt beyond what I knew I was capable of feeling.
I hadn’t meant to lie to him—not in the slightest—my dad actually was at home resting, but my mom and I had decided to go out and get a bite to eat anyway. I guess I could have still invited Eric to come with me and my mom but… the truth was, the entire fucking idea made me so nervous.
Was I ready for him to meet my parents? And why did that make everything feel so real?
I brushed it off with my mom. She asked why he didn’t come to dinner with us, and I told her that he just wanted to go home, but I was sure even she could tell it was bullshit. It was so awkward, just like so many things had been with Eric and me. Throughout the whole dinner with my mom, I hid my guilt beneath the surface, and it grew with every passing minute.
I wasn’t going to respond to his text, but after I said goodbye to my mom and walked her back to her hotel, I realized my guilt wasn’t going anywhere, and if I didn’t confront him now I’d never be able to sleep. I had to see Eric. I’d be seeing him in just a few days at the season finale show taping, and I couldn’t imagine going into a live show feeling like this. Even if I could fake it for the cameras, I sure as hell would feel like shit being in the same room as him.
So I started walking toward his house. It was nighttime by then, and the moon was just a sliver, high in the sky. On my walk I realized I was shaking slightly.
I got to his door and knocked. He opened just a few seconds later, looking completely disheveled, like he’d been raking his hands through his hair all night.
“Eric—”
“Dash, you can come inside,” he said, with a desperate edge to his voice that I hadn’t even expected. He opened the door wider, gesturing me to come inside, but I shook my head. I knew if I went in, we’d be liable to end up in bed together, and then we never could have the conversation that we so desperately needed to have.
“I’m not coming in. But Eric, I’m so fucking sorry—”
“So just tell me really quick why the fuck you lied to me. And be honest with me. Please, Dash.”
“Eric, I freaked out, okay? I freaked the fuck out. I couldn’t eat all day, I was losing my mind, knowing that you were going to meet my parents. It’s so… It’s so much so soon, and we’re not even real boyfriends.”
“But you didn’t have to lie,” Eric said softly. “It’s okay if you aren’t ready. But you could have said that. Instead of pretending that you guys weren’t even going out to dinner.”
I could try to argue, but I knew he was completely right.
“Yeah, I know.” I looked down toward the floor, leaning helplessly against the doorframe.
He buried his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Dash. I’m a fucking mess.” His voice cracked a little as he said it. “I know I’d be a bad boyfriend, and it’s clear that you see it too. I know why you don’t want me.”
Realization hit me sharp and cold. Eric really still wanted to be my boyfriend. And even though that should have sounded terrible to me, in reality I thought it was the sweetest thing he could have said in that moment.
I started to feel choked up, but I willed any tears away. “I’m not saying you’re a terrible person, Eric, I’m just saying maybe this isn’t the right time.”
He stared at the ground for a while, his face in a pained frown, and then finally met my eyes, nodding.
“I guess you’re right,” he said, his voice low and hoarse.
And despite how much I wanted to believe what I was saying, I still had an urge to reach out and catch his face in my hands, and press a kiss to his lips. He looked broken and devastated but still beautiful, still Eric, still the man who just a couple days ago had let me cry on his shoulder after Caleb had called me.
And he’d found a fucking place in my heart. Despite all my efforts not to let him in.
“So, Dash,” he said, a slight shakiness to his voice. “We can go back to being fake boyfriends again, but I think… I think we should slowly fade it out. We can go to a few more Eat Network events together, but I don’t want to be in the public eye as much anymore. I can’t take it. It’s only gonna end up hurting me to be so close to you and not… really being with you.”
I nodded, swallowing. “Okay.”
There was so much more I wanted to say, but it wasn’t the time to say it. I didn’t know if there would ever be a right time. So I looked up at him and said the only thing I could.
“Bye, Eric. I’ll see you at the season finale.” I walked away, not looking back, guilt coursing through me like it was my lifeblood. And I wondered if it would be the last time I’d walk away from Eric’s house.
For the next few days I didn’t leave home at all.
It was life as I’d known it before Eric—solitary, domestic, and isolated. The first day I’d been completely useless, crying on and off all day, and stupidly looking at Facebook and seeing photos of Caleb and his fiancé littering the screen.
I didn’t cook. I didn’t clean. I didn’t even walk down to the water or to town, instead ordering food in every day.
And what pissed me off the most was that I couldn’t talk to Eric, the one person who I knew would make me feel better, tell me some dumb joke, or walk with me to the beach.
Sure, he was wrong for me in almost every way, but it was unbelievable how quickly he’d come to mean so much to me. He’d brought so much to my life, and I found myself missing even our fake dates, and the lame parties we had to go to together just to make an appearance.
Because Eric had always found a way to make any event tolerable. He’d make stupid jokes. Put his hand at the small of my back. Whisper silly stories to me about the other people in the room.
And now I was on my own again—which I thought I would have liked better than the fake relationship and the annoying parties—but instead I just felt so goddamn lonely.
I was so tired of it, and it had only been a few days.
And I realized quickly something that I probably should have predicted a long time ago: I was never going to get over Eric. I could fake it, and I could try, but working with him would always be a struggle.
So as I sat in the center of my bed, after posting a lame update to my food blog about why I hadn’t updated a damn thing lately, I made a decision.
I wasn’t going to continue with Eric & Dash.
I’d finish the season finale, and then I’d give the news to Andrea the following day. They could still have 2 months to find a replacement, and judging by how fast they’d found me, I was sure they’d find someone ready and willing within weeks.
It was a heartbreaking decision—and as I came to it, I started to cry—but it was the right one.
And for the first time in my life, I was going to be in control of ending a relationship that was important to me. It would hurt like fucking hell, and I knew I may end up being alone forever, but it was necessary.
The season finale taping went shockingly well.
I don’t know what I had expected—Eric and I had always been professional, even throughout the most tenuous routes our relationship had taken—but seeing him at his house the other night had been final in a way other things hadn’t.
It really had felt like the end of something, and so did tonight.
So I was surprised when the show went off without a hitch. Eric & Dash had garnered a following that had gone beyond my wildest expectations, and we’d gotten into a rhythm with the show that not even our breakup could mess up.
Of course, no one but us knew that we were no longer together, just like they hadn’t known that our “relationship” had been fake. So after making the final dish of the season, a simple but delicious ch
icken piccata, it was time for the final round of fan questions at the end of the show. The first two were food-related, someone wanting to know how much flour to use in a roux, and someone asking what you could use a pastry blender for. But the final question threw me.
Eric was the one who read it out loud.
He looked to the teleprompter as the fan question came up, reading automatically, without thinking.
“Dear Eric & Dash, I just wanted to say that I’ve come to love your show over the past months, but even more, I’ve come to love the both of you. I love your dynamic, the way you work so well together, and how you always seem so happy whenever you’re out in public. So my question is—and forgive me if this is too forward—is it love?”
I was dumbstruck. How and why had the producers chosen this question? We hadn’t really acknowledged the relationship on the show, even though it was widely known elsewhere—Eric & Dash hadn’t seemed like quite an appropriate venue for discussing it.
But I think because it was the final show, or maybe because of the fact that we’d ignored it for so long, people wanted to know.
“Um,” I finally said, looking over to Eric. “Eric, do you want to take this one?” I said, with a nervous laugh. I looked out past the blinding bright lights toward the audience, scanning the front row for my parents, and swallowing. I had no fucking clue how to react to this. We were supposed to be “scaling back” our public relationship, but now we get a question like this, the last one of the season?
“I’ve been working with Dash for a while now,” Eric said, cutting a glance over at me, and then leaning forward on the marble countertop, looking back to the camera. “It’s been an incredible journey. Dash is one of the most creative, hardworking, and caring people I’ve ever met, and he’s exceeded any expectation I had for him.”
My heart started beating faster.
The Sweetest Star: Under the Stars Book 2 Page 17
